The Hate Between Us, page 7
I nodded in return and moved to grab my backpack, feeling as though a portion of something heavy that had been crushing my chest had just disappeared.
I’d made an impression. Me. And I’d managed to prepare on such short notice . . . I still wasn’t sure if this was all real or not.
Outside, I took a long breath in, staring at the clouds peppering the sky. Whether they chose me or not, it wouldn’t take away from the fact that I’d taken the plunge and done what I’d wanted all this time.
And that was much more than I could’ve hoped for just a day ago.
My parents were over the moon to hear about my audition. Mom even made cookies to celebrate it, so sure I was going to get the role of Chloe. I didn’t let myself expect too much. The crush of reality would only hurt more once I found out I hadn’t gotten the role. So, I played it down and acted as though it wasn’t important, squashing that glimmer of hope I’d felt, and when Tuesday arrived, I ignored the erratic thumping of my heart and sweating of my hands.
Jason cast me a glare through narrowed eyes as he entered English but fortunately didn’t say anything. Ms. Holloway was supposed to put the cast list on the announcement board in the hall at some point during the day, but as soon as she walked in, she clapped her hands to get our attention.
“Alright, class. Before we start, I have an announcement to make. As you all know, Lake Gate High’s centennial celebration will take place in a little more than two months, and we held the auditions for the centennial play on Saturday.” She looked between me and Jason with a grin. “I’m happy to say that we’ve cast Katie Turner and Jason Adams as the leads Chloe and Nathan.”
My heart contracted in my chest. They chose me. They actually chose me.
Me, Katie Turner, the lead.
I waited for the punchline, but it never came. I looked around me to confirm this was all a joke, but no one was laughing. No one was clapping either, for that matter. Half of my classmates looked at me with raised brows, and I could see it in their eyes—the girl in a wheelchair got a lead role?
“You’re not serious, right?” Jason bit out before I could get lost in the euphoria, and I finally looked at him. My stomach twisted at the mixture of hate and incredulity on his face. “She auditioned for Chloe?”
Ms. Holloway frowned. “I don’t think I like the tone of your voice, Jason. Yes, Katie auditioned for Chloe.”
“She can’t be Chloe.”
Murmurs erupted all around the class. Ms. Holloway’s frown deepened. I bet she was surprised that her most favorite student was acting this way. He’d never made problems before. He’d always had great relationships with his co-actors, and everyone loved him. Until now.
Ms. Holloway took off her glasses. “Why not?”
“She has no real talent.”
A few gasps broke out. I lowered my head, his words twisting a knife into my heart. I hated him for doing this in front of the whole class. The rumors would spread through the school lickety-split.
Ms. Holloway’s expression turned stony. “That’s very rude of you, Jason. I don’t allow such behavior among my students.”
Jason’s glare didn’t falter an inch. “If she’s going to be in the play, I’m dropping out of it.”
Ms. Holloway blanched. “You can’t be serious. I would’ve expected something like this from anyone but you. I don’t know what your problem with Katie is, but you’re going to deal with it. We’re talking about this later.”
“I don’t want to—”
“Later, Jason.” Her tone left no room for discussion.
On that note, she started the lecture, but most of my classmates’ attention was divided between me and Jason, murmurs and whispers surrounding me on all sides. I couldn’t even savor my achievement, what with the reactions I received from them and Jason. It was one thing to handle Jason during rehearsals as a secondary character. But as the lead? He would make working with him impossible.
The bell rang, and Jason was the first to rush for the door, but Ms. Holloway stopped him. “Hold on, Jason.”
He curled his lip at me before he followed Ms. Holloway out. They stopped right beyond the door, but because of the rustling the students made as they packed their stuff, I couldn’t quite hear what Ms. Holloway and Jason were talking about. Once the room got emptier, I managed to catch snippets as I took my time to leave.
“You always took acting seriously. You . . .”
“I don’t want to do the play with her . . .”
“You’re an extraordinary young actor. That’s the only reason I’m putting up with your behavior. Think about this. This will be a huge opportunity for you. My friend, the talent agent . . .”
They moved farther away from the door, so I could no longer hear them. I sighed and finished packing my stuff.
When I left the classroom, Ms. Holloway was alone and walking back in my direction. Her mouth was set in a hard line.
“I’m sorry about Jason,” she said.
My fingers tightened around my backpack in my lap. “You don’t have to apologize on his behalf. But I don’t think I’ll be able to work with him if he’s going to be like that.”
“I’m sure he’ll change his mind.”
She sounded certain of it, but I wasn’t so sure. Then there was the thing with choosing me over Tallie as Chloe.
“Are you sure choosing me as Chloe isn’t a mistake? Tallie did an amazing job.”
“Yes, she did. But so did you. You’re going to do just fine.”
Her praise meant a great deal to me—how could it not when this was something I’d always dreamed about?—but it also felt like the edge of a cliff I could be pushed off of at any moment.
I looked down at my stubby nails.
“You don’t look happy, Katie. Is something wrong?”
Beside Jason being a total douchebag? “It’s just that this came as a surprise. I never thought I’d get a lead role.”
She smiled a smile that showed all her teeth. “But you did, and you should be very proud of yourself. We’re going to do the first read-through this Friday in the theater. If you have any questions about the script or want to discuss some details about your character, you’ll have your chance then. Now, you better go so you won’t be late for your next class.”
“Sure. Thanks.”
Her eyes glimmered with excitement as I moved to leave. “Don’t worry about anything. You’ll see. It will all turn out amazing.”
She was wrong, and I got the first proof of it by lunch. I’d been right about the rumors—it didn’t take long for the word that I had been cast as Chloe to spread, along with the news of Jason’s insult in English class. It was quickly becoming Lake Gate High’s hot topic, and the constant stares being thrown my way were already too much. Everywhere I went, I got to hear someone commenting on it, and some people even placed bets on whether Jason and I would kill each other or not in the process.
As the cherry on top, social media was on fire. There were supportive comments, but there were also malicious ones.
She’s playing the leading role? I’m sure the school cast her only because #diversity #PCculture.
What were they thinking? She’s in a wheelchair.
She’s pretty, but not that pretty. They should find someone hot.
I was overcome with panic the more I read, and I had to rush to the nearest restroom to hide, struggling to breathe. I moved to the nearest corner, hoping no one would enter as I worked to return my breathing to normal.
What had I been thinking? I was so not the right person for the role of Chloe. How could I ever go out on that stage with so many mean people watching me? I’d forever be the laughingstock of the school. Tallie should’ve been Chloe, not me. I was just someone worthless.
I’m sure the school cast her only because #diversity #PCculture.
A sob wracked through me as I thought about that comment. I fought to stop the tears, but they kept coming, and I wanted to stay here hiding forever.
No, not hiding here. I wanted to go home.
Once my breathing evened, I shot a text to Mom asking her to come pick me up because I was feeling a little sick. I felt a prickle of guilt for lying to her, but I couldn’t stay in school any longer. I messaged Dylan to tell her I was going home and headed to the stairs.
The wheelchair lift at the side looked neither new nor safe, and as far as I knew, it hadn’t been used for years. I was the only one using it now, and it was just another source of humiliation. Dylan had told me to see the bright side of it—at least there was a wheelchair lift; but that didn’t help.
I pressed the button to activate the platform, glancing around to see a few students watching me while I waited for it. The platform took forever to lower to the floor and then move downstairs once I’d secured my wheelchair on it, but I never moved my eyes from my lap. The stares only underscored how different I was.
I counted seconds until I was out of there, but someone must’ve wanted to play more cruel jokes on me, because Jason showed up at the bottom of the stairs just as the platform stopped there, his eyes the darkest color of brown as he watched me.
My heart kicked into a gallop. He stood right next to the platform, deliberately refusing to give me personal space. I didn’t waste time releasing the wheelchair brakes and moving as fast as I could to the exit, but I should’ve known better than to think he’d just let me go.
In a second, he reached me and put his hands on my armrests to stop me.
I whipped my eyes up to look at him. “What are you doing, Jason?”
“Not only did you not listen to me when I told you not to audition, but you also auditioned for Chloe.”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but I did it only because Ms. Holloway asked me to. She obviously thinks I can do it, so maybe you should take this up with her.”
“Holloway has lost it,” he snarled. “I don’t know why she ever thought you would be a good choice. And don’t think for a second that my agreeing to act in the play means things will be okay between us.”
I bit into my wobbly lip. “I’d be crazy to think that. The only way things would ever be okay between us was if you stopped treating me like crap and apologized.”
He let out a growl that sent my stomach flipping. He leveled his head with mine, too close for comfort. “I’ll never apologize to you. You’re the one who should apologize. For ruining everyone’s lives when you didn’t move when you should have.”
Tears filled my eyes before I could stop them. I pressed my teeth together so hard my jaw ached. First his insult in English, and now this. I needed to get out of there before I had a breakdown in front of him.
I fought not to show in my voice how shaken he’d made me feel. “I’ll move now, alright. From you, because I refuse to just sit here and take your insults like I’m a punching bag.” I wheeled backward then past him.
“If you’re so bothered by me, you should leave this school.”
I barely suppressed a sob as I stopped to look at him. “Are you serious? Why do you have to treat me this way? Just why do you have to be such an asshole?”
“Because I can’t fucking stand you!” he erupted, his face going crimson with fury. “You’re an eyesore!”
I recoiled. An eyesore.
“She has no real talent.”
“You’re an eyesore!”
How come it was so easy for this guy to reduce me to nothing? With just a few words?
A few words that basically summed up how I felt about myself. My stomach twisted into a tight ball.
My lips formed a wobbly smile. “You know, I wonder how I could’ve misjudged you so much before. Jason Adams. The most popular guy at Lake Gate High. Every girl’s dream. A straight-A student with a brilliant future. I thought you were much more than this”—I motioned at him—“but you’re a jerk.”
His whole face went taut. “While you are—that’s right—no one. I never even noticed you before, which only goes to show you’ve always been some loser with no life. I wonder who’s got it worse—me or you?”
He was horrible. Each word was like a nail into my battered soul, and it was unbearable. My breathing became erratic. I would suffocate any second if I didn’t get out of here right away.
I put all my strength into my arms and turned around, rushing to the exit without ever looking back.
I slammed the door to my room and moved to my bed. I transferred myself to the mattress and slumped, head down, into the pillow. I couldn’t breathe as my nose pressed into it, and I contemplated staying like that . . .
Seconds ticked by as my lungs struggled to take in enough air, and the familiar burning sensation spread through my chest. My heart rate increased. I didn’t move.
But just like those few times after the accident when I’d done the same thing, I didn’t go through with it, and I rolled to my back, taking a gulp of air. My eyes prickled with tears as I stared at the ceiling. Stared for so long time stopped to exist.
“You’re an eyesore!”
Something twisted my stomach hard.
“I never even noticed you before, which only goes to show you’ve always been some loser with no life.”
Pain sliced into me deeply, refusing to let up.
His guess wasn’t far off. I’d always been too socially inept to make waves or friends. It was my fault that Dylan remained in that same circle, because if she hadn’t been hanging out with me, she would’ve most definitely been popular.
Tall, with a body and face girls envied, she was every guy’s dream. I hadn’t been surprised when she’d told me Seth had asked her out, because he’d had his eye on her for a long time, ever since she’d dropped her books near his locker in the eleventh grade and he’d rushed to help her.
Even Jason had been attracted to her at one point . . . until she told him straight out he wasn’t her type, effectively ending his interest in her. She was probably the only girl that had ever rejected him, not that she cared about that because she was just that cool.
While I . . . I was never anyone’s center of attention. No one ever found something worthy in me.
And now I was a joke. An object of pity. A nuisance.
I couldn’t even be happy about getting the role of Chloe anymore. It was tainted.
My tears poured out before I was aware of them. I was now crying daily, and it didn’t seem likely that was going to stop. My days began with dark thoughts and ended with even darker ones, and it was all one big, poisonous loop. The worst part of it? The dreams. Dreams in which I could still walk, and the feeling was so fresh, so natural, it felt as though I’d never lost the ability to walk. And then I would open my eyes, and for a few seconds—a few blissful seconds—there was no memory of the accident and everything was normal again. I could walk.
But then reality would strike me like lightning, and I would remember.
And the darkness would return to cradle me in its heavy arms.
I wanted to wake up to a new day—a day with no burdens. A day with peace. Instead, I had no perspective. I had no hope for a better day. It was always cloudy in my world, and I just wished everything would stop. That I would stop.
I wondered why I still bothered with life at all.
My phone buzzed. Feeling as though I weighed a ton, I moved to the edge of my bed and reached for my backpack hanging on my chair. I took my phone out. It was Dylan.
Dylan: Did you leave because of Jason?
I wiped away my tears with a frown.
Katie: What do you mean?
Dylan: Seth said Jason was pissed off when he saw him earlier. He mentioned something about you, but Seth didn’t catch much.
Katie: He’s just part of the reason. Everyone’s comments about me playing Chloe was too much, and I had to leave.
Dylan: You shouldn’t pay attention to them. Haters gonna hate.
Katie: That’s easy for you to say.
Dylan: What happened with Jason?
An eyesore.
Katie: Just his usual assholeness. He didn’t miss the chance to make me feel like absolute crap.
Dylan: I don’t understand why he’s so hung up on you. Like I get that he hates you for a reason only he can understand, but he’s pushing it too far.
I pressed my hand against my mouth and closed my eyes. I was so tired. I tossed my phone away as a knock came at my door.
“Honey? May I come in?” Mom asked.
I squeezed my eyes shut and inhaled a deep breath. “Sure.”
She was wearing a smile when she entered, but it ebbed to a frown when she saw my face. “Honey, what’s wrong?”
That pushed me over the edge.
My chest cracked open as I buried my head into my hands and wept. Acid surged through my veins. It had been weeks since I’d last allowed my mom to see me like this, but I didn’t have it in me to pretend I was fine. Nothing was fine. Nothing would ever be fine.
“Everything! I hate myself. I hate my life. My legs are useless!” I hit them with my hands. I didn’t feel a damn thing. “Useless, useless, useless!”
I started punching my legs, and Mom rushed into the room, dropping to her knees in front of me. She secured my hands in hers on my thighs.
“Don’t do this, Katie. Don’t say that.” She gave my hands a tight squeeze. “Remember what the doctor said. You may not be able to walk, but you can do plenty of other things. You can—”
“I want to walk, Mom! I don’t want to feel so helpless each time I try to move and my legs never listen! Do you know how hard that is? How hard it is each time I see others around me and know I’ll never walk again? My life is over!”
“No, honey.” She sat next to me and pulled me into a firm hug. “Your life is far from over. You can still do many things and have a fulfilling life.”
I clung to her, sobbing against her shoulder. It was so easy for her to say that. For all of them. They hadn’t been robbed of something so essential.
But of all possible outcomes, that one had happened to me, and now I was left with the pieces of my life I didn’t know how to glue back together.
