The Hate Between Us, page 3
Speaking of worlds, mine was a dumpster-fire. While Dylan had always had a planned path in front of her, my path had been murky and slippery at best. Wishes could only take you so far, and mine didn’t take me further than the drama club and a few failed attempts at auditioning for commercials. I’d never fooled myself into thinking I was anything special. I knew where my weaknesses lay. I knew I had to work a lot harder than some others to get to the level of acting that would get me somewhere. But there had always been a glimmer of hope that one day, I’d be able to make something out of myself. To be the actress I wanted to be.
But now that glimmer of hope was gone. Extinguished. Replaced by defeat. For lead roles weren’t meant for people in wheelchairs. You didn’t weave stories around people with disabilities. You weaved them as far away from them as possible. No one would ever pick me for anything, no matter how hard I tried to become a good actress.
I looked away from Dylan with a churning feeling in my gut. Mom had told me not to compare myself to her and to appreciate my own merits, but the human brain was an interesting thing. It went to places you’d rather not visit and forced you to think about things you’d rather exterminate from your mind. It found all the reasons why you should devalue yourself and think of yourself as unworthy, especially when all the days blended together in a series of failures with no hope of success on the horizon.
The moment we got out of Dylan’s car, Seth rushed across the parking lot to her, wearing a huge smile on his tanned face. He’d been on vacation in Europe the past two weeks and only gotten back yesterday. But from the way they embraced and started kissing as though they were starved for each other, it was as though he’d been gone for two years. Dylan had told me they had FaceTimed each day, but it hadn’t been the same.
Seth enjoyed almost the same level of popularity as Jason. He was the school’s football team quarterback, with talent that was a one-way ticket to the NFL, and he also had the looks. Blond, tall, and undeniably charming, Seth knew how to hold the attention of a whole room. He was slightly more muscular than Jason, showing he was a regular gym visitor, and he was far more friendly because, while Jason liked to hang out only with his inner circle of friends, Seth was all for socializing.
Dylan and Seth hadn’t stop kissing even after a full minute, and I felt a stab of envy. Being kissed like that must feel good. And by someone as gorgeous as Seth, no less.
I felt so inexperienced compared to Dylan. She hadn’t shared much, but I knew she’d lost her V-card to Seth over the summer and that it had been more than good for her first time. She’d wanted to tell me the details, but she must have seen the forlorn expression on my face and stopped herself.
I hadn’t been bummed because she’d had sex. Quite the contrary; I was happy for her. But I couldn’t help but feel jealous, because sex for me at this point felt like a pipe dream. Something unattainable. My doctor had assured me I would be able to experience it, but that wasn’t much of a consolation since I’d first have to find someone to get it on with and that was less probable than me landing on Mars.
Seth finally pulled away, but he didn’t remove his hands from her face. “I missed you so much, babe.”
She chuckled. “I noticed.”
“When will you ride with me to school?” he asked, motioning to his red Corvette. “Your seat is missing you.”
Dylan rolled her eyes and swatted his shoulder. “I’m driving Katie to school, or did you already forget that?”
Seth finally noticed me and gave me a crooked smile. I didn’t miss his gaze lingering on my wheelchair for a second too long. “Hey, there.”
“Hey, yourself,” I replied, but he was already looking back at Dylan.
“The coach wants to see me, so I gotta go now, but we’ll see each other later.” He smacked a kiss on her lips. “You’ll sit with me at lunch, right?”
“I can’t, boo. I’m sitting with Kat at our table.”
Seth glanced at me. “Oh, come on. Katie can join us too. I’m sure she’ll be okay with it.”
My stomach churned as I shared a look with Dylan. Seth and Jason sat together, so there was no way I could ever be okay with it.
Dylan twirled a strand of her hair around her finger. “I don’t think so. Not with your friend there. I don’t want Kat to have a hard time.”
I appreciated Dylan’s help, but I didn’t like the vertical line that formed between Seth’s brows. I felt like I was causing them trouble, and I didn’t want to be a bother.
“It’s okay. I don’t mind,” I muttered.
Seth’s smile illuminated his whole face as he looked at Dylan. “You see? She’s cool.”
He had no idea.
“Are you coming, man?” a deep, raspy voice said behind me, and a flicker of awareness went through me. Jason.
I looked over my shoulder. His gaze was already on me, making my heart give a wild kick. Resentment festered deep in his eyes, forcing me to quickly look away.
“Sure. See you around, babe.” Seth gave Dylan another kiss and went after Jason, who had gone on without waiting for him, as if he couldn’t handle being in close proximity to me a second longer.
Dylan placed her hand on her hip. “Are you really okay with it?”
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat as I looked everywhere but at her. I was already hard enough for her to be around without making her choose between me and her boyfriend.
“Yep. No problem at all.”
Dylan and Seth shared World History with me, and I had to watch them text each other the whole class. A hollow feeling formed in my stomach when I looked at my phone. My screen never lit up with a message from a guy.
Unlike Dylan, I hadn’t had any experience with guys. I’d lived vicariously through movie and television characters, often acting out their love scenes in front of my bathroom mirror. I’d used to fantasize about finding someone to look at me the way Antonio Banderas looked at Catherine Zeta-Jones in Zorro or Ian Somerhalder at Nina Dobrev in The Vampire Diaries.
Then I’d developed a crush on Jason, and each day had been a torture on its own, confirming all I’d ever have were fantasies.
Dylan and Seth didn’t separate from each other as we headed to the cafeteria after class. They held hands, their gazes mostly on each other as they talked about Seth’s trip, making me feel like a third wheel. A hollow feeling in my stomach increased when I caught a few curious gazes cast my way. Would I ever get used to people staring at me?
I made sure my hair hid most of my face and joined the lunch line with Dylan and Seth. I didn’t really have an appetite. Hadn’t had for months. I’d already lost several pounds skipping meals because I couldn’t stomach food, but my mom had talked to Dylan and made certain Dylan would ensure I ate at school.
Dylan took her role seriously, so when I said I wasn’t hungry, she totally ignored me and tossed a sandwich on my tray, making sure it wasn’t heavy on saturated fat. A balanced, healthy diet was another thing I had to think about. No highly processed foods for me.
“You’re going to eat, missy.” She leaned close to me and whispered into my ear, “And if Jason gives you a hard time, we’ll go to our table. Alright?”
“Whatever you say, boss.”
My nerves kicked into overdrive as we made for Seth’s table. Jason was already there, his flavor of the day sitting next to him. My insides clenched when he caught my gaze and held it, following me with his hard eyes. He was casually leaning back in his chair, but I didn’t let that deceive me. I was worried how he would react.
He didn’t waste a second. When we arrived at the table, he said, “What is she doing here?” He motioned his head at me, but his glare was on Seth. The whole table—his fling, a blonde girl sitting next to her and two guys—grew silent.
“We talked about this, man.”
“We talked about your girlfriend. I haven’t agreed to having her sit at my table.”
“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” I gritted out.
His eyes sliced into me. “I’ll talk however I want.”
I bit into my lip to hide the whimper that wanted to escape.
Dylan put her hand on her hip, staring down at him. “Look here, tough guy. My bestie and I come as a package deal. So, either we both sit here or neither of us do.”
Seth placed his hand on Dylan’s shoulder. “Relax, babe.” He offered Jason a grin. “Jason will behave. Isn’t that right, buddy?”
Jason clenched his fists but didn’t say anything. A muscle in his jaw ticked dangerously as he sank farther into his chair and draped his arm across its back.
Seth took Jason’s silence as a sign to pull Dylan to sit next to him. The only spaces left were next to Dylan and Jason, and it was a no-brainer for me which I would pick. The only problem was that it would mean I’d be directly across from Jason.
Dylan pushed the chair aside, allowing me to wheel in and take the space, and my hands trembled as I put my tray on the table. The contents on it were even less appealing to me now than they’d been when I entered the cafeteria.
Dylan mouthed “sorry” at me.
“It’s okay,” I whispered in reply, but I wasn’t okay. There was no way I could be okay as I dug into my sandwich and Jason parked his stare on me, refusing to look away. It was as if he wanted to make me so uncomfortable I’d have no other choice but to leave. There was a dark glint to his eyes that was meant only for me, deepening my unease.
The guys went on to talk about the football game that was to be part of the hundredth-year anniversary celebration. Since Jason wasn’t on the team, he didn’t join their conversation, turning his attention wholly to his phone. I noticed he hadn’t touched his pizza.
Seeing that she would get no attention from him, his fling turned to talk to the blonde next to her in a low whisper. Their gazes darted my way occasionally, and I didn’t doubt they were talking about me.
I looked at my sandwich, disinclined to eat it because I felt too self-conscious. I already felt judged enough. I didn’t want to be judged for the way I ate too. Hesitantly, I took it in my hand, but then I heard the brunette say to the blonde, “It takes guts to just show up at this table after what she caused. If my sister ended up in jail—”
I didn’t hear the rest of the sentence; anger reared from deep within me, rendering me deaf.
I dropped my sandwich and glared at her. “His sister was driving drunk. It was her fault for not being in control of her car.”
Jason smacked the table with his hand, sending everyone into silence. “Stop acting like you’re a total victim here.”
I was left without air. “Excuse me?”
“Why the hell didn’t you move out of the way? You had plenty of time to move.”
Tears welled in my eyes. My chest felt heavy, as though it was filled with lead, and it grew heavier and heavier until it started suffocating me. I tried taking a deep breath, but I couldn’t.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I let out on a raspy breath.
“I don’t? The last time I checked, you claimed you didn’t fully remember the accident. So, go on. Tell me I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.”
His words caused my chest to constrict and limited my air supply. I squeezed my hand into a fist, unable to say anything to refute that because it was true. I didn’t quite remember the accident, or most of that day, for that matter. But I did remember the two flashes of light from her headlights coming toward me in the dark. I did remember the speed at which the car drove, swallowing the distance between us too quickly. It happened so fast, and everything went black after that.
Even if what he said was true—even if I’d had enough time to move—anyone faced with something so traumatic could freeze and be unable to move. But I doubted that argument would win with him.
“What?” His lips formed a cold smile. “Cat got your tongue?” His smile turned ugly, and his gaze moved slowly down my body, examining every bit of me that wasn’t hidden by the table. His perusal ended with a sneer. “I just don’t understand how you can sit here and act all innocent when things could’ve been way different if you’d just used your brain.”
I dug my nails into my palm to the point of pain. I wished to cause him the same pain, both physically and emotionally. “And I don’t understand how you can defend someone who decided to drive when they clearly shouldn’t have and robbed someone of their mobility. I lost the use of my legs, Jason! I can’t walk for the rest of my life, and you act like she’s a damn victim. The jury agreed with me, so why can’t you?”
He fisted his hands on the table and leaned quickly forward as if he intended to pounce on me, but he stopped himself short. The muscles in his forearms twitched. The air between us grew saturated with something destructive, something so palpable it sliced me like a knife. I felt nauseated.
Suddenly, he stood up and grabbed his tray. “I’m out of here.”
His chair scraped the floor loudly as he pushed it aside. He marched out, stopping only to toss his food in the trash receptacle and drop the tray on the counter with a clatter. I swallowed past the obstruction in my throat as the force of his movement propelled the tray off the edge of the counter and sent it crashing to the floor. He didn’t bother picking it up.
The brunette looked between him and the blonde, appearing unsure whether to follow him or just stay where she was. Finally, she settled on picking up her tray and hurrying after him, like a desperate puppy, but not before she stopped next to me and gave me her unsolicited opinion. “If I were you, I wouldn’t sit here again.”
I almost snorted.
I’m way ahead of you.
By last period, physical education, I felt as though I’d been put through a meat grinder. I was emotionally exhausted from the day I’d had already and didn’t know what was waiting for me in the gym. I hadn’t talked to anyone about my PE curriculum, and I was half-hoping they would just let me spend that time elsewhere instead. I didn’t see the point in attending.
As I entered the gym, I was met with another reminder of my limitations. The sound of ball thumping and chatter greeted me, and I watched some of the students pass the ball idly between each other and run short distances without realizing how lucky they were to be able to move all parts of their body. Their bodies hadn’t betrayed them. Their bodies didn’t feel useless or incomplete. Their bodies didn’t feel as though they no longer belonged to them.
For a few moments, I couldn’t tear my gaze away from them. If I looked long enough, I would remember the feeling of my soles hitting the pavement—the feeling of my legs movingly fluidly, always obeying my commands. But memories were fickle, and mine were waning by the day. I feared that one day, I’d forget how it felt. How feeling felt. I was terrified.
As I moved to the bench lining the side wall, planning to wait there for class to start, I wished I had Dylan by my side. Everyone seemed to be paired up with their friends, and no one was interested in talking to me. I twisted my hands in my lap and tried not to think how lame I must look sitting all by myself.
My eyes caught sight of Jason on the other side of the gym. I groaned. Really? Here too?
He made a jump shot and scored three points, proving he was good at sports too. I knew I was supposed to ignore him, but he commanded my attention. His arm and leg muscles rippled and contracted in an impressive display as he passed the ball between his legs, talking to Seth and their friends. His calves were as defined as his arms, contributing to his nicely-shaped legs, and for a split second, a betraying thought snaked in my mind—how would it feel to run my hands down them? Down his smooth, flawless skin?
My heart sped up as I tore my gaze away.
“Katie?” someone said, and I looked up to find Liam Morgan standing above me. We’d shared some classes in eleventh grade.
The past six months had done him good because he was taller and bulkier than I remembered. Previously an ugly duckling, Liam had gone to study overseas in tenth grade and returned a year later almost unrecognizable. Gone were the pimples from his face, bad teeth, thick glasses, and bony frame, replaced with rugged features, muscles, straightened teeth, tousled haircut, and fashionable clothes.
We’d been paired up for a project a few months before my accident, which was the first time we’d talked. We’d hit it off and finished the project with flying colors, and we slowly got to know each other better. He’d always been nice to me and knew how to make me laugh. But then my accident happened, and we lost all contact.
Now, he was wearing a smile as he looked down at me, but I didn’t fail to notice a strange intensity in his deep green eyes. I willed my lips to return his smile.
“Hey, Liam. It’s been a while. How are you?”
“I’m good.” He stared at me for a long moment, and my smile faltered as color rose in my cheeks.
So he was going to be weird around me now that I was in a wheelchair too? Or maybe he’d think I was a major loser and regret coming up to me.
He cleared his throat and motioned at my wheelchair. “I was sorry to hear about the accident.”
I looked away. “Yeah, it was bad.”
“I heard some rumors, but I’m not sure what’s true or not. If it’s not too personal to ask, how did it happen?”
“It’s alright. I was standing on the sidewalk when I got hit. The girl was driving drunk.”
“Jesus. That must’ve been scary for you.”
“Probably. I don’t remember much, but I think so, yeah.”
He tilted his head to the side. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t fully remember the accident. In fact, I don’t remember most of the whole day.”
He scratched his chin. “I see. Maybe that’s for the best. It’s less traumatic.”
“Miss Turner?”
Our teacher, Mr. Fay, came to a stop next to me with a benevolent smile. “Miss Turner.” He nodded at me. “Mr. Morgan, can you give me a few minutes with Miss Turner?”
Liam’s gaze shifted to me before he nodded. “Okay.” He cast me a smile. “I’ll be around.”
