Lost In Seoul, page 6
I’m going to have to watch the guy I obsess about smile and flirt with other girls. What kind of nightmare is this?
What if he falls for one?
What if he realizes I’m nothing special?
I know that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter, we can’t ever be anything no matter how much either of us may want it…
And… he’s still young. God. What am I saying? He certainly doesn’t feel young—at least, not his experience level, which is shocking.
Yes, my mind immediately goes there. To his experience level.
The way he touches me. The caress of his fingertips, of his lips. The power in his grip… the way he just takes charge and owns me. I’m not kissing the youngest K-pop idol in SWT.
I’m kissing a grown ass man.
I shiver.
I need to stop thinking about it.
I walk back into the conference room and quickly start to collect all of the contracts and tuck them in the leather portfolios. My feet ache from being in heels all day and my heart hurts where it shouldn’t all because I fell for the wrong person.
Don’t they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else? Yuck. The idea is physically repulsive to me. I can’t imagine anyone else touching me, let alone putting their hands on my body. I shake my head and try to steer my thoughts back to business. Of course, I stare right down at Sookie’s contract. He’s always done a bigger S in the beginning and a heart over his I when signing anything.
Today, it looks like he’s lost all his joy and simply decided to sign like a normal human—not an idol. I know he’s been having it rough lately, I just wish I knew what else was bothering him other than the stress from all the pressure this job of his brings.
I can’t blame him for feeling the way he does.
He’s not a child. He’s a grown man with needs and wants—playing the cutesy innocent guy that he’s forced to project would get old for anyone—no matter how much money and fame is being thrown at you. I’m pretty sure he physically gags when he has to do a little heart in front of his face and talk in a cutesy voice.
It’s the furthest thing from what he is.
He’s too deep for the persona he plays. He’s too masculine. There’s so much going on underneath all the layers he’s forced to project to the world.
Now that’s the guy I think the fans would go even crazier for.
The real Sookie.
The real Sookie that feels deeply.
But revealing that side of him is not part of the plan—at least not for now. And at the end of the day, what’s more important? Being real? Or making money? I love Siu, I think he’s a great manager but when things take off like they have been it’s easy to lose focus, it’s easy to stop asking the questions, “Is this okay? Are you good?”
I don’t blame him.
I just wish he would notice how much the group is suffering emotionally.
To cheer myself up, I think about Sookie’s unusual outbursts today and have to cover my mouth with a laugh.
It was hilarious.
I think the guys from TestME were so shocked they didn’t even know how to respond. I mean, none of us really did. And to be fair, for all the toughness they throw out, those boys from TestME are the most innocent I’ve ever met. One time someone said shit and their leader paled and asked if they were going to get fired. They put up a front because it’s SWT but on the inside I know they’re just terrified of not living up to expectations. Everyone’s playing a part in this crazy, K-pop world we live in.
Everyone. With a sigh, I grab the rest of the papers and stack them inside for filing. Once I’m done, I turn to leave the conference room and nearly bump into Producer Sung-Bin.
He grabs me by the shoulders, his hands linger longer than necessary. “I’m so sorry, I was just coming back for my jacket.”
I tilt my head at him and smile as wide as I can, masking all the feelings percolating inside of me. I can’t show the world how I feel. I can’t show how much I’m hurting inside, or how I’m thinking about someone I shouldn’t be thinking about.
“That’s okay, I’m sure it’s over by the chair.”
He grabs my elbow lightly, touching me again, before dropping his hand. “Have you thought about it?”
I quickly look down at my tan heels, eye contact reveals too much, or at least mine does. I’ve been told even though I’m a lawyer, I’m great in the courtroom, great for contracts, but when it comes to things like this, I can’t lie.
I’m just not capable of it when it comes to personal emotion. “I did think about it.”
“Why won’t you look at me?”
I sigh and slowly look up. He has jet black hair, light brown eyes, a small freckle near his bottom lip and a strong chin. He’s also muscular enough not to be too loud about it. He wears his three-piece suit—it doesn’t wear him. He also towers over me at nearly six foot three.
His stance is casual but I can see it in his eyes, he’s searching for an in, he’s waiting to see me crumble so he can get what he wants—he’s a producer straight out of Hollywood who came here because his Chaebol parents made him leave an affair he was having with an American actress.
He confided in me two years ago when I arrived.
And now he wants even more.
He wants a relationship.
He asked me out so many times I lost count until I finally gave in. We had fun, but it felt like friends. He doesn’t know how much I wish it was more so I could forget my brother’s best friend.
I shake my head. “I’m sorry, I’m just too busy and you know I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
“Oh, that’s what this is.” He nods. I can’t tell if he’s disappointed or just more determined, his jaw flexes like he’s clenching his teeth but trying not to. “Briefly forgot, just like I forgot my jacket.” He winks and goes to pick up the black peacoat and walks past me, giving me a whiff of Armani cologne.
He stops next to me when he returns, staring straight at the door.
“I hope he’s worth it.”
“Who?” I feign ignorance but I’m secretly freaking out. Does he know? Could he tell that my eyes kept darting to Sookie every single time I thought he wasn’t looking?
He smiles away from me and lowers his chin. “The one you’re waiting on. You know, the world doesn’t wait for all of us, Ari. Have a good night.”
He strolls out of the room and I catch a few co-workers in marketing who are loitering in the hall, stop and watch him. When he’s out of sight one covers her mouth with her hand, while the other giggles. They are definitely into him.
He’s beautiful, I’ll give him that. He’s my age, and he’s seemingly the perfect catch. If I was taking an exam and had all the right answers for what to do when trying to find your perfect partner, this guy would check every box.
But I don’t want perfection.
I don’t want someone who seems perfect for me, someone who never has a hair out of place and is always manicured. Someone who won’t show me their damaged parts I want to see the dark. I want to see that part because everyone it is wounded in some way. Everyone has those parts of themselves that they hide from the world but reveal to the one they trust. That’s real. That’s love. And I can’t trust someone who won’t show me that side. Someone who won’t let you truly see.
And as far as the perfect producer goes… how can I possibly go there with him? How can I be vulnerable with someone I know I’ll never fully be able to commit to, even if it’s just dinner, because it would never just be dinner. It would turn into more, or he’d want more, and I would maybe go there because it’s the right thing to do. It’s the proper way and then I’d be stuck in a relationship where I was unfulfilled All while thinking of someone else.
It’s not faIr to him.
Or to me.
And as far as Sookie goes…
I know I need to somehow move past this; I need to move past us—but it’s hard. I just wish there was some manual to tell you what to do when you’re so lost.
And.
I.
Am.
Lost.
I’m lost in my desire and love for a man I can never have.
I close my eyes for a second and just let that seep into my brain. I tell myself he’s about to go on a dating spree and he can very well meet someone that will take his attention away from me. My heart cries out over that possibility. It hurts to think I could be so easily replaced.
Chill, Ari, I tell myself. Just take it one minute at a time.
I straighten my spine and leave the conference room and start walking toward my office. My phone goes off in my t hand.
I stop and look down.
SK
WTF
Yeah. My heart gets really happy when I see his text. I can’t help it.
But he’s definitely pissed. I knew he would be.
I quickly text back.
ME
I had no control over this, all I did was look over the contracts.
SK
No control? You couldn’t at least warn me of what was coming? Even after we kissed?
I can feel my cheeks burn at the reminder.
ME
You know I’m not allowed to do that.
SK
No? I thought I meant a little more to you, but I guess I was wrong. I’ll see you on set while I’m dating random girls for press. You know this sounds like an actual nightmare come to life, but then again, I could always find a girl my age who actually acknowledges me and who I matter to.
I almost throw my phone. The thought of him finding another girl…
No.
No. I can’t go there right now. It’s too much to contemplate.
ME
That’s not fair, you know what would happen, besides…
I almost don’t type it.
And then I can’t help myself.
He hurt me, I want to hurt him back. Ass I look around and hear the laughter of my co-workers and really think about the situation, I realize the only person that can end this is me.
SK
?
ME
Besides, it was just a fling, right?
I want him to say no so bad.
Instead.
He says nothing.
I would prefer yelling, but all Sookie gives me is absolute silence. Horrible silence that makes your brain go to all the dark places… thinking all the worse thoughts.
And I only have myself to blame.
I hate myself.
The rest of the day goes by in a blur. I force a smile and try to stay busy but the amount of times I stare at a text gone unanswered, is obscene. Iwonder if I just ruined the best thing that ever happened to me all because I was afraid.
All because I told myself I was protecting his career.
When really, I wonder if I was really trying to protect my heart.
Chapter Five
Sookie
I’ve never wanted to throw my phone so much in my entire life.
Instead, I stare at the screen and wonder how many cracks I’ll take to demolish the words I just read.
Fury washes over me. Fury and anger. And goddamn outrage over her words.
A fling?
I have ink on my body from this “fling” I have scars on my soul from this “fling” I have wounds still bleeding from this “fling.”
Fling?
My breathing becomes erratic and I quickly realize that I’m in a bad place, worse than before. I can’t stop it. I can’t breathe… I can’t.
I drop my phone and stumble toward my bed and narrowly miss my dresser.
The door opens.
Jay walks in, takes one look at me and lunges for me, pulling me into his arms. “Hey, just breathe, breathe, in and out, there you go, count to three.”
I start to count in my head.
One. She’s gone. She was never here.
Two. I need to let go.
Three. I’m lost.
I exhale and lean against Jay. He’s always wearing this heavy cologne I can’t place, but right now it smells familiar and safe, so I cling to him while he holds me. I can’t believe how broken I feel from her words. Pieces of my soul are getting ripped from me in real time, to the point I think if I looked in an actual mirror, I would see my entire body and soul getting torn apart.
A fling?
“Hey.” She held my hand. “It’s going to be okay.”
“It’s hard.” I confess and look up at her with sweat pouring down my face. “I want this but it’s so fucking hard!”
I break.
And she holds the pieces.
She grabs me by the shoulders and shoves me into the corner of the practice room. “You won’t break.”
“Why?”
“Because.” She reaches for my hand. “I’m holding you.”
I collapse against her shoulder and sob, and then I do the stupidest thing in existence when facing my hero.
I fall in love. “
“Hey.” His warm arms wrap around me. “I don’t fully know what’s going on, but what I do know is this: you’re going to be okay. And if anyone, any human in existence, doesn’t realize how incredible you are, then they aren’t worth it. They should sacrifice the world for you, or at least offer it before breaking your heart by trying to push you away. So allow the sacrifice, and know you’re okay.”
I grip his forearms and try to let his words in. I try to hear the logic, the truth in them, but when your heart hurts bad, when someone shatters it’s hard to let the light in. The darkness somehow feels more comforting.
“You know,” I lower my head and try to lighten the mood. “Even you hugging me is a scandal or thirst trap, in our own dorm.”
He hugs me tighter. “Yeah, well you’re not really my type, you’re too messy and I swear if you leave one more wet towel on the floor again I will murder you in your sleep and ask for forgiveness later, then bury you with said towel.”
It makes me laugh, then again Jay always makes me laugh. “You and wet towels, so much damage there.”
“We all have our things.”
I cling to him tighter, then turn in his arms and hug him. “You’re the best big brother I could ask for.”
“Damn right I am.” He pats me on the back. “You don’t have to talk about it, but I’m here.”
I pull back and frown down at the floor. “Do you ever just think it’s not enough? It’s exhausting, living this life? I can’t help but feel like the joy keeps getting sucked dry. We go from these incredible highs, to the lowest of the low, and then we’re expected to say fucking thank you.”
“Grace did a number on you teaching you so many curse words in English.” Jay runs his hands through his hair and sits down on his bed. “And I have no answer for that, you know I have my own… background, damage, whatever you want to call it, but I do know this, at the end of the day if you only helped one person would it still be worth it?”
I sigh and collapse next to him on the bed. “Stop making sense.”
“Would it?”
I take a deep breath. “Yes.”
“So what you do has worth, but that doesn’t mean people are allowed to define your worth, if that makes sense. Just continue to be who you are and if people can’t accept that, then that’s on them. I know it’s hard for you. Being the youngest and the Maknae—there’s a lot of pressure in that role you have to play. I get it. But the role will change because that’s just what happens. That’s just what time brings. All this… all of this reality will be so different in six months from now—that’s the only thing that’s guaranteed in our world. It’s always moving. Always shifting. Always changing. You just have to learn how to flow with it. And you’re young, you’ll find your way.
I look over at him.
“With or without her.”
The way he says that makes me feel like someone’s squeezing my chest again. I can’t imagine without…
But… he’s not wrong.
I’m quiet, probably too quiet, I can feel the words on my tongue. I can see her in my minds eye, her smile, her beauty, the way she would take me out when I needed support and now—now I’m going to be forced into a dating scene that’s not even real while she watches.
And doesn’t give a shit about it.
She calls whatever we had a fling, a bucking fling—when it was the most important moment of my life, defining even. A fling… while I’ve been waiting for my contract to end so I can ask her to go on a date. While I’ve been counting down the days for the contract to end.
I’m just a fling.
And if that’s how she sees me, then I’ve been delusional for a long time now. I’m mad at myself for suffering this entire time, only to be told that she’s never seen me as anything more than a fun hook up.
I get that the stakes are high, I’m not stupid. I get all the reasons why we can’t be together—but I was always under the delusional assumption that those reasons were why we couldn’t be… I thought I meant more to her. But now I know I didn’t.
Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe this will make me hate her instead…
My mind rebels against even the thought of that.
I rest my head against Jay’s shoulder and let out a frustrated sigh. “I think I need to get laid.”
He bursts out laughing.
“Wow, not where I saw you going with this conversation.”
“Well, I did.”
“Look, the idea definitely has merit, but I know you-”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I cock a brow at him.
“You’re a feelings guy. It won’t help. Broken hearts don’t heal from P or V.”
I have to laugh.
“We should make shirts.” I say. “It’s a great slogan.”
“I think so. And then we can compose a song and shock the entire industry. It would be a hit like no other. We have a solid marketing plan now., I’ll just be right back after I pitch that to management.”
“I love you, man.”
“We might be a group, but you’re my family.” He says it so simply. “Even if I want to fight you over towels, at the end of the day, I will always have your back. Now go eat some food, you’re losing weight and not in a good way.”
I sigh. “I just want a Dorito.”
