Lost In Seoul, page 22
People don’t have her identity yet, but they will, the Netizens always have a way to find things out and the only reason Rae knows is because in the photo she’s wearing the cross bracelet he gave her last year for her birthday. I helped him pick it out and he was so surprised I knew her well enough to pick out a gift that made he cry. It’s dangling by my head, her arms are wrapped around me.
“New bad boy of K-pop?” Is the headline. The next one is. “Dirty little Maknae kissing all the girls.”
I can’t find my voice.
It simply no longer exists.
Who filmed us? What happened? We were careful! All the things I’m thinking in my head that I can’t voice out loud. I’ve had panic attacks before, this is way worse, this is world ending, this is me dying from the inside out knowing Rae had to find out this way, and that I have nothing to say other than I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I’m sorry I thought I had it handled.
I stand and back away slowly only to collapse onto the grass and it’s not even my own bandmates that come at me first. It’s Chul, it’s Eric, it’s Suho, they’re all surrounding me as if it’s going to make it better. Ji-Woo and Kwan follow, Kwan actually steps in front of me, I’m delirious. I don’t know what to say. I’m in absolute shock.
Rae jumps to his feet and turns to me. “Why?”
It’s a simple question.
I have only one answer to give. “I love her.”
“How long?” Tears stream down his face.
I betrayed him.
I snuck around him.
And it wasn’t for days or months, it was for years.
I squeeze my eyes shut while Eric grips my wrist then holds my hand while the rest of SWT just sit there because they knew and they know they’re just as screwed, that I screwed them because I wasn’t careful.
We’re done.
Our group is done.
We will never come back from this moment.
I feel like I’m going to throw up.
“We met before we knew you were siblings---we kissed years ago, we’ve been close ever since, we confessed days ago—” My stomach sinks to lead. “We tried to stay away from each other I just, I couldn’t, she’s my soul mate.”
Rae throws his phone into the fire and walks off. “Always the last to know.” He turns and looks at me, he’s so furious I can barely look at him. “Did you ever think, that maybe the right choice would be to talk to me before you got caught?”
“We knew.” Lucas steps forward. “We warned him. It’s not just on him.”
Kai sighs. “It’s on us too.”
Rae looks at Jay. “And you?”
Jay hangs his head. “I knew.”
“I see.” Rae starts walking. “Then maybe the best thing for this group is a better leader since I can’t fix shit.”
I start to go after him, but Suho holds me back. “I’ll talk to him.”
I do a double take. “You’re the worst person to run after him.”
“No.” Eric sighs. “Tough love, that’s Suho, let him go.”
So I do. I let Suho go after Rae, and I crumble.
The group really is going to be done right before our third album, because I fell in love. It’s my fault.
Because I fell for someone who understood me and held my hand.
I chase after him but it does nothing but make him more angry as he turns around and yells at me. “I’m always the last to fucking know! I’m the leader of this group. My sister?” He screams. “My sister? You’d do this? You’d go this far?”
I know cameras are most likely going to be on us now that this broke out into the media and sure enough a production crew shows up and starts filming. I say nothing. I can’t find words as TestME all stand by my side. Kai, Jay, and Lucas slowly come and surround me, and we just sit there on the grass, both groups suddenly together, no anger, nothing, just sadness and desperation.
Rae stops dead in his tracks right when Suho reaches him, he turns around and screams. “Who the hell do you think you are! You should have told me!
“I tried!” I yell back, “But every time I just, it didn’t, I don’t know what to say, do you even realize how often I’ve just wanted to hold her hand in public without people taking pictures? Or to tell you I kissed her when I was sad and she comforted me? That she held me when I cried? Helped me when I was lost? I was so lost and I couldn’t tell you so I told her, she’s been my best friend, so no I didn’t tell you, how do you tell your other best friend that you did the one thing, you shouldn’t do!” I’m confessing it all.
And it’s all on camera.
I get up and walk away from SWT, I start packing knowing full well, this is the end.
And I was the one who wrote it.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ari
I know something’s wrong the minute my phone starts blowing up, and it’s not from Sookie, it’s from the press, and then from management.
And CEO Siu.
Hands shaking, I answer. “Hello?”
“You’re fired.” He sighs. “I don’t want to, but I’m dealing with not just a legal mess right now with SWT and this show on top of Sookie, he’ll be kicked out of SWT just so you’re aware. I expected better from you, had you told me we could have managed this, but I don’t see the band coming back from it, we’ll salvage what we can for their comeback. Sookie’s already packing and on his way back to the dorms to do the same. Please turn in your ID and laptop while you leave set. We’ll do the finale for the show with TestME instead of SWT, I’m currently getting Grace to take them back to the dorms but I want to give Sookie ample time to pack up his belongings before they get there. Lay low. You’ll get six months severance.”
The phone goes dead.
Numb. I’m wondering what happened.
Then I see Sung-Bin, he walks up to me from catering and shakes his head, then hands over his phone.
It’s me.
It’s me and Sookie.
Making out, touching each other.
The group’s lawyer.
The leader’s sister with the youngest.
I accidentally drop his phone onto the grass then pick it up and hand it back. “I’m going to pack my things.”
“I can make it go away,” he whispers. “If you let me, I can make it go away.”
I straighten my spine. “The last thing I want, is for Sookie to go away.”
“The scandal.”
I turn on my heel and charge him. “The damn scandal of loving someone for years? Is that it? The scandal of having to sneak around because it could break his career and mine? All because we’ve loved each other that long? You want to make that go away. No. Thank. You.” Tears stream down my cheeks. “Do you even know how low Sookie must be right now? Yes, we got caught, it was inevitable, but what’s so wrong about this? What?”
“For starters you work for his company, he’s not allowed to date, he’s young, you’re four years older, you have to understand how this looks.” He shoves his hands into his stupid trouser pockets and I want to rage.
I point my finger at him and then drop my arm. “You’re not worth it. You’re a nice guy but I would rather suffer alongside the man I love than have you fix it with your money. Congratulations, at least the show’s gonna be a hit.”
I leave and start walking to my room, pissed off and ready to find Sookie, it’s out so that means no more secrets, I’m close to the house when I see him on the ground outside the house, unresponsive.
“SUNG-BIN!” I scream. “I need an ambulance!”
He comes running, phone in hand. The other group members start sprinting toward the mansion, obviously hearing the chaos, and of course cameras are catching it all.
He’s lying there nearly lifeless.
I feel for a pulse and start sobbing, hands shaking to where I can’t find one but I know he’s alive, he has to be alive. Sung-Bin pulls me away. I stumble back into Lucas who holds on to me while we watch Sung-Bin start to do chest compressions.
I fight Lucas in an effort to get to Sookie just as Suho and Rae appear around the corner. Rae starts sprinting toward us. Suho holds him back, Rae’s fighting. “Sookie! Sookie!”
“Stop!” Suho yells.
“Sookie!” Rae bursts into tears and collapses to the ground still bound by Suho’s arms. He holds him tight, the other band members rush over and have to hold Rae down while he tries to literally crawl toward Sookie. His fingernails dig into the concrete like he’s trying to grip it, blood starts pouring from his hands. “Sookie!”
“Stop!” Suho yells it again and again until all I hear is Sookie and stop for the next five minutes until the ambulance arrives.
When they get there Sung-Bin fills them in on what happened and they continue CPR while Sookie lays there lifeless.
I’m dying.
My heart stops beating, I can’t breathe. I start to rush toward him again only to have Lucas pull me back. By now, the girls have rushed out to the chaos.
And all I see is Iseul ’s shocked face.
“YOU!” I roar.
She jumps back.
I shove Lucas away. “You did this!”
“I didn’t know! I didn’t know!” She immediately starts crying. “I would never want to hurt him, I was just jealous, I didn’t know sending it in to Director Simon would---”
“Director Simon?” Sung-Bin jumps to his feet while the paramedics put Sookie into the ambulance. He turns to me. “That. I will handle.”
I wait a few seconds and finally nod. “Okay. Thank you.”
He stomps off toward the production room.
And I’m left watching Sookie, with nobody, all alone, getting put into the ambulance.
“Go.” Iseul says. “I never meant, I never thought.” She starts sobbing.
Lucas grabs my hand and walks me toward the ambulance. “Can she ride with you?”
He’s already being hooked up to machines.
It’s not real.
None of this is real.
“Yeah,” the paramedic says. “But once we’re in the ER family only.”
“He’s my family,” I say. “He’s mine.”
He sighs and holds out his hand, letting me in the ambulance. The last thing I see is Rae’s broken face as we drive off.
The last thing I hear, is Sookie coding.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Sookie
I’m floating.
It’s nice.
Freeing.
I hear her voice.
I want to stay for her.
What’s even happening?
I keep thinking about my dancing and almost fainting on stage, only to faint again and hear voices but, am I okay? Alive?
I slowly open my eyes.
The room is blurry or maybe it’s my eyes. It’s white all around me. Oh shit, did I die? I blink my eyes over and over again, but the blurriness remains until I finally just keep them squeezed shut.
If I’m in Heaven it sucks.
If I’m in hell, well that’s why my eyes won’t work.
I hear talking.
“I didn’t know.” Rae’s voice sounds. “Obviously. And I’m scared, I’m so scared not for the group but for you. You coded man, your heart literally stopped for over a minute an arrythmia apparently. I thought you were dead and all I kept thinking was that I left angry, so fucking angry, and you’re laying there lifeless on the ground while my sister screams your name with me. I never want to experience that again. I know you’re alive and breathing, but I really need you to wake up.”
I move my fingers for him then open my eyes. “I can’t see well.”
All I see is blond hair and a tall body lunging for my bed. “You can talk?”
“I’m human.”
“I mean, they weren’t sure about brain damage or anything.” Rae says, voice cracking, then he starts shaking and bawling over me. “I didn’t know. I don’t ever want to experience this again. Shit.”
I try to reach for his hand, but he grabs mine first.
“I was wrong for not telling you.” I rasp.
“Yes.” He agrees, which isn’t shocking, that’s just Rae. “But, I get why you didn’t and I’m sorry I reacted that way.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t say something first.” I turn my head to the side. “Can you do me a favor?”
“Anything.”
“Can you hand me that water right there or ice chips because I’m gonna go crazy.”
He hands me the ice chips as more knocks come on the door. I’m still blurry but my eyes focus on one person.
Her.
I hold out my left hand.
Ari rushes to the bed and pulls me into her arms and starts sobbing. “You were coding or it seemed like you were, and I didn’t know, I didn’t know—”
I hold her as tight as I can. “I’m okay.”
“No.” She’s shaking in my arms. “I can’t lose you. I won’t survive it, fuck the haters.”
I want to laugh, but I feel too weak. “Yeah, I’m sure they’ll respond well to that.”
Rae stands and looks over at us. “I’ll go get the doctor, the guys have all been standing outside for hours, both groups, Suho had to be pulled back because it looked like he was seconds away from hitting a doctor for not letting me in.”
“Suho.” I laugh and it hurts my lungs. “Always Suho.”
“He talked to me,” Rae whispers. “He told me a truly good leader never abandons their teammates, which I’ve always known but he asked me how hard it’s really been compared to the success and said I’ve been weighing them against each other. I’ve been so focused on making sure you guys succeed that I’ve forgotten about my first job.”
“Your first job?”
He smile spreads across his face. “Being a big brother. Taking care of you, it’s not just my job it’s my privilege.”
I nod. “I know, Rae. And I’m sorry.”
“For loving someone so amazing?” He shrugs. “The shock was a lot, but it brought us together with our Juniors, once and for all… we have the comeback stage in a few days. I hope you can see it.”
See it.
Not participate.
My stomach drops.
That’s right. I’m no longer in the group.
So I can only nod and say. “Me too.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ari
Five Days Later
Comeback Stage
“No. Legally, in his contract it states that—” I get interrupted immediately. Sookie’s doing great, he’s out of the hospital and the diagnosis was POTS, which is what was messing up his dancing and air during choreography. They’re still running more tests to figure out why his heart stopped and the only thing they’ve come up with is stress, along with his disease. Until recently, it hasn’t been something people really know about. But maybe, just maybe, he can use this as his purpose, to bring awareness to something so scary. He’s a fighter, and he’s someone who wants the best in everyone. My smile feels new, it feels like healing as I watch him. This can be a huge, amazing, good thing, out of something so damning to an idol.
I take another deep breath. I’m no longer working for the label but I can at least try to advocate for him. “He belongs in SWT, Sai and you know it.”
“I know it, you know it.” He agrees. “But the public is split.”
“Just, allow him to continue group activities after the comeback.”
Sai let’s out an exhausted sigh. “I can’t decide if seeing him on stage will inspire people or cancel him.”
“Let him perform.” I beg. “Please. He can bring awareness.”
“He needs more tests done, he can barely dance—”
I interrupt him. “—He’s strong, let him perform.”
“I heard.” He pauses. “That both groups have a song together, I approved it, but I’ve only heard parts, is he on the song?”
I smile even though he can’t see me. “Wait and see.”
“Fine. But if this comes back on our label it’s on you, you will take the fall.”
“Done.” I have zero hesitation for the first time in my life as I look over at Sookie, he’s been staying with me for the past three days and it’s been incredible, we’ve had time to ourselves and what’s even better.
I have him, without cameras.
The last episode that abruptly ended had a twenty percent watch rate throughout the country is unheard of, so it’s safe to say the scandal is still running strong, but people are curious and we can use it to our benefit, hopefully.
I walk into our shared bedroom, he’s on his laptop writing music, looking just as beautiful as the day I met him. “Need to let off some steam?”
He smiles away from me. “Sure, wanna go for a run?”
“You’re performing.” I blurt. “So maybe we save the lungs until we have a final diagnosis?”
He nods his head slowly. “I can’t believe we had no idea.”
“The human body is complicated. But you know what’s not?”
“What?” He frowns and closes the laptop.
“The heart, it carries the soul you know, and it’s not complicated at all, it makes total sense that you would carry someone there, that you would allow the blood to flow, the body to work, the brain to get blood. At the end of the day, the heart decides everything, so what an important decision to give that to someone, right? Who gives their actual heart, the main commander of the body, to another soul? Well, the answer is that the heart and soul are together and when the heart isn’t sure, the soul goes, them, that person, them. My heart has always been yours, so whatever happens, whatever hits our way. Just know, you have both.”
He reaches up and grabs my face, then presses a kiss to my mouth, it’s soft and full of aggression at the same time. His lips are so soft as they move against mine.
I can’t even imagine possibly losing him.
I crush my mouth to his harder and then he’s lifting me onto the bed and pulling my shirt over my head.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I think back.
Him on the ground.
Him unresponsive.
Coding.
“Marry me,” I whisper. “Marry me.”
“Just stealing all my thunder.” He brushes his lips against mine and leans up, grabbing my bracelet with the cross, he ties it around my left hand, my ring finger. “Yes.”
“New bad boy of K-pop?” Is the headline. The next one is. “Dirty little Maknae kissing all the girls.”
I can’t find my voice.
It simply no longer exists.
Who filmed us? What happened? We were careful! All the things I’m thinking in my head that I can’t voice out loud. I’ve had panic attacks before, this is way worse, this is world ending, this is me dying from the inside out knowing Rae had to find out this way, and that I have nothing to say other than I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I’m sorry I thought I had it handled.
I stand and back away slowly only to collapse onto the grass and it’s not even my own bandmates that come at me first. It’s Chul, it’s Eric, it’s Suho, they’re all surrounding me as if it’s going to make it better. Ji-Woo and Kwan follow, Kwan actually steps in front of me, I’m delirious. I don’t know what to say. I’m in absolute shock.
Rae jumps to his feet and turns to me. “Why?”
It’s a simple question.
I have only one answer to give. “I love her.”
“How long?” Tears stream down his face.
I betrayed him.
I snuck around him.
And it wasn’t for days or months, it was for years.
I squeeze my eyes shut while Eric grips my wrist then holds my hand while the rest of SWT just sit there because they knew and they know they’re just as screwed, that I screwed them because I wasn’t careful.
We’re done.
Our group is done.
We will never come back from this moment.
I feel like I’m going to throw up.
“We met before we knew you were siblings---we kissed years ago, we’ve been close ever since, we confessed days ago—” My stomach sinks to lead. “We tried to stay away from each other I just, I couldn’t, she’s my soul mate.”
Rae throws his phone into the fire and walks off. “Always the last to know.” He turns and looks at me, he’s so furious I can barely look at him. “Did you ever think, that maybe the right choice would be to talk to me before you got caught?”
“We knew.” Lucas steps forward. “We warned him. It’s not just on him.”
Kai sighs. “It’s on us too.”
Rae looks at Jay. “And you?”
Jay hangs his head. “I knew.”
“I see.” Rae starts walking. “Then maybe the best thing for this group is a better leader since I can’t fix shit.”
I start to go after him, but Suho holds me back. “I’ll talk to him.”
I do a double take. “You’re the worst person to run after him.”
“No.” Eric sighs. “Tough love, that’s Suho, let him go.”
So I do. I let Suho go after Rae, and I crumble.
The group really is going to be done right before our third album, because I fell in love. It’s my fault.
Because I fell for someone who understood me and held my hand.
I chase after him but it does nothing but make him more angry as he turns around and yells at me. “I’m always the last to fucking know! I’m the leader of this group. My sister?” He screams. “My sister? You’d do this? You’d go this far?”
I know cameras are most likely going to be on us now that this broke out into the media and sure enough a production crew shows up and starts filming. I say nothing. I can’t find words as TestME all stand by my side. Kai, Jay, and Lucas slowly come and surround me, and we just sit there on the grass, both groups suddenly together, no anger, nothing, just sadness and desperation.
Rae stops dead in his tracks right when Suho reaches him, he turns around and screams. “Who the hell do you think you are! You should have told me!
“I tried!” I yell back, “But every time I just, it didn’t, I don’t know what to say, do you even realize how often I’ve just wanted to hold her hand in public without people taking pictures? Or to tell you I kissed her when I was sad and she comforted me? That she held me when I cried? Helped me when I was lost? I was so lost and I couldn’t tell you so I told her, she’s been my best friend, so no I didn’t tell you, how do you tell your other best friend that you did the one thing, you shouldn’t do!” I’m confessing it all.
And it’s all on camera.
I get up and walk away from SWT, I start packing knowing full well, this is the end.
And I was the one who wrote it.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ari
I know something’s wrong the minute my phone starts blowing up, and it’s not from Sookie, it’s from the press, and then from management.
And CEO Siu.
Hands shaking, I answer. “Hello?”
“You’re fired.” He sighs. “I don’t want to, but I’m dealing with not just a legal mess right now with SWT and this show on top of Sookie, he’ll be kicked out of SWT just so you’re aware. I expected better from you, had you told me we could have managed this, but I don’t see the band coming back from it, we’ll salvage what we can for their comeback. Sookie’s already packing and on his way back to the dorms to do the same. Please turn in your ID and laptop while you leave set. We’ll do the finale for the show with TestME instead of SWT, I’m currently getting Grace to take them back to the dorms but I want to give Sookie ample time to pack up his belongings before they get there. Lay low. You’ll get six months severance.”
The phone goes dead.
Numb. I’m wondering what happened.
Then I see Sung-Bin, he walks up to me from catering and shakes his head, then hands over his phone.
It’s me.
It’s me and Sookie.
Making out, touching each other.
The group’s lawyer.
The leader’s sister with the youngest.
I accidentally drop his phone onto the grass then pick it up and hand it back. “I’m going to pack my things.”
“I can make it go away,” he whispers. “If you let me, I can make it go away.”
I straighten my spine. “The last thing I want, is for Sookie to go away.”
“The scandal.”
I turn on my heel and charge him. “The damn scandal of loving someone for years? Is that it? The scandal of having to sneak around because it could break his career and mine? All because we’ve loved each other that long? You want to make that go away. No. Thank. You.” Tears stream down my cheeks. “Do you even know how low Sookie must be right now? Yes, we got caught, it was inevitable, but what’s so wrong about this? What?”
“For starters you work for his company, he’s not allowed to date, he’s young, you’re four years older, you have to understand how this looks.” He shoves his hands into his stupid trouser pockets and I want to rage.
I point my finger at him and then drop my arm. “You’re not worth it. You’re a nice guy but I would rather suffer alongside the man I love than have you fix it with your money. Congratulations, at least the show’s gonna be a hit.”
I leave and start walking to my room, pissed off and ready to find Sookie, it’s out so that means no more secrets, I’m close to the house when I see him on the ground outside the house, unresponsive.
“SUNG-BIN!” I scream. “I need an ambulance!”
He comes running, phone in hand. The other group members start sprinting toward the mansion, obviously hearing the chaos, and of course cameras are catching it all.
He’s lying there nearly lifeless.
I feel for a pulse and start sobbing, hands shaking to where I can’t find one but I know he’s alive, he has to be alive. Sung-Bin pulls me away. I stumble back into Lucas who holds on to me while we watch Sung-Bin start to do chest compressions.
I fight Lucas in an effort to get to Sookie just as Suho and Rae appear around the corner. Rae starts sprinting toward us. Suho holds him back, Rae’s fighting. “Sookie! Sookie!”
“Stop!” Suho yells.
“Sookie!” Rae bursts into tears and collapses to the ground still bound by Suho’s arms. He holds him tight, the other band members rush over and have to hold Rae down while he tries to literally crawl toward Sookie. His fingernails dig into the concrete like he’s trying to grip it, blood starts pouring from his hands. “Sookie!”
“Stop!” Suho yells it again and again until all I hear is Sookie and stop for the next five minutes until the ambulance arrives.
When they get there Sung-Bin fills them in on what happened and they continue CPR while Sookie lays there lifeless.
I’m dying.
My heart stops beating, I can’t breathe. I start to rush toward him again only to have Lucas pull me back. By now, the girls have rushed out to the chaos.
And all I see is Iseul ’s shocked face.
“YOU!” I roar.
She jumps back.
I shove Lucas away. “You did this!”
“I didn’t know! I didn’t know!” She immediately starts crying. “I would never want to hurt him, I was just jealous, I didn’t know sending it in to Director Simon would---”
“Director Simon?” Sung-Bin jumps to his feet while the paramedics put Sookie into the ambulance. He turns to me. “That. I will handle.”
I wait a few seconds and finally nod. “Okay. Thank you.”
He stomps off toward the production room.
And I’m left watching Sookie, with nobody, all alone, getting put into the ambulance.
“Go.” Iseul says. “I never meant, I never thought.” She starts sobbing.
Lucas grabs my hand and walks me toward the ambulance. “Can she ride with you?”
He’s already being hooked up to machines.
It’s not real.
None of this is real.
“Yeah,” the paramedic says. “But once we’re in the ER family only.”
“He’s my family,” I say. “He’s mine.”
He sighs and holds out his hand, letting me in the ambulance. The last thing I see is Rae’s broken face as we drive off.
The last thing I hear, is Sookie coding.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Sookie
I’m floating.
It’s nice.
Freeing.
I hear her voice.
I want to stay for her.
What’s even happening?
I keep thinking about my dancing and almost fainting on stage, only to faint again and hear voices but, am I okay? Alive?
I slowly open my eyes.
The room is blurry or maybe it’s my eyes. It’s white all around me. Oh shit, did I die? I blink my eyes over and over again, but the blurriness remains until I finally just keep them squeezed shut.
If I’m in Heaven it sucks.
If I’m in hell, well that’s why my eyes won’t work.
I hear talking.
“I didn’t know.” Rae’s voice sounds. “Obviously. And I’m scared, I’m so scared not for the group but for you. You coded man, your heart literally stopped for over a minute an arrythmia apparently. I thought you were dead and all I kept thinking was that I left angry, so fucking angry, and you’re laying there lifeless on the ground while my sister screams your name with me. I never want to experience that again. I know you’re alive and breathing, but I really need you to wake up.”
I move my fingers for him then open my eyes. “I can’t see well.”
All I see is blond hair and a tall body lunging for my bed. “You can talk?”
“I’m human.”
“I mean, they weren’t sure about brain damage or anything.” Rae says, voice cracking, then he starts shaking and bawling over me. “I didn’t know. I don’t ever want to experience this again. Shit.”
I try to reach for his hand, but he grabs mine first.
“I was wrong for not telling you.” I rasp.
“Yes.” He agrees, which isn’t shocking, that’s just Rae. “But, I get why you didn’t and I’m sorry I reacted that way.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t say something first.” I turn my head to the side. “Can you do me a favor?”
“Anything.”
“Can you hand me that water right there or ice chips because I’m gonna go crazy.”
He hands me the ice chips as more knocks come on the door. I’m still blurry but my eyes focus on one person.
Her.
I hold out my left hand.
Ari rushes to the bed and pulls me into her arms and starts sobbing. “You were coding or it seemed like you were, and I didn’t know, I didn’t know—”
I hold her as tight as I can. “I’m okay.”
“No.” She’s shaking in my arms. “I can’t lose you. I won’t survive it, fuck the haters.”
I want to laugh, but I feel too weak. “Yeah, I’m sure they’ll respond well to that.”
Rae stands and looks over at us. “I’ll go get the doctor, the guys have all been standing outside for hours, both groups, Suho had to be pulled back because it looked like he was seconds away from hitting a doctor for not letting me in.”
“Suho.” I laugh and it hurts my lungs. “Always Suho.”
“He talked to me,” Rae whispers. “He told me a truly good leader never abandons their teammates, which I’ve always known but he asked me how hard it’s really been compared to the success and said I’ve been weighing them against each other. I’ve been so focused on making sure you guys succeed that I’ve forgotten about my first job.”
“Your first job?”
He smile spreads across his face. “Being a big brother. Taking care of you, it’s not just my job it’s my privilege.”
I nod. “I know, Rae. And I’m sorry.”
“For loving someone so amazing?” He shrugs. “The shock was a lot, but it brought us together with our Juniors, once and for all… we have the comeback stage in a few days. I hope you can see it.”
See it.
Not participate.
My stomach drops.
That’s right. I’m no longer in the group.
So I can only nod and say. “Me too.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ari
Five Days Later
Comeback Stage
“No. Legally, in his contract it states that—” I get interrupted immediately. Sookie’s doing great, he’s out of the hospital and the diagnosis was POTS, which is what was messing up his dancing and air during choreography. They’re still running more tests to figure out why his heart stopped and the only thing they’ve come up with is stress, along with his disease. Until recently, it hasn’t been something people really know about. But maybe, just maybe, he can use this as his purpose, to bring awareness to something so scary. He’s a fighter, and he’s someone who wants the best in everyone. My smile feels new, it feels like healing as I watch him. This can be a huge, amazing, good thing, out of something so damning to an idol.
I take another deep breath. I’m no longer working for the label but I can at least try to advocate for him. “He belongs in SWT, Sai and you know it.”
“I know it, you know it.” He agrees. “But the public is split.”
“Just, allow him to continue group activities after the comeback.”
Sai let’s out an exhausted sigh. “I can’t decide if seeing him on stage will inspire people or cancel him.”
“Let him perform.” I beg. “Please. He can bring awareness.”
“He needs more tests done, he can barely dance—”
I interrupt him. “—He’s strong, let him perform.”
“I heard.” He pauses. “That both groups have a song together, I approved it, but I’ve only heard parts, is he on the song?”
I smile even though he can’t see me. “Wait and see.”
“Fine. But if this comes back on our label it’s on you, you will take the fall.”
“Done.” I have zero hesitation for the first time in my life as I look over at Sookie, he’s been staying with me for the past three days and it’s been incredible, we’ve had time to ourselves and what’s even better.
I have him, without cameras.
The last episode that abruptly ended had a twenty percent watch rate throughout the country is unheard of, so it’s safe to say the scandal is still running strong, but people are curious and we can use it to our benefit, hopefully.
I walk into our shared bedroom, he’s on his laptop writing music, looking just as beautiful as the day I met him. “Need to let off some steam?”
He smiles away from me. “Sure, wanna go for a run?”
“You’re performing.” I blurt. “So maybe we save the lungs until we have a final diagnosis?”
He nods his head slowly. “I can’t believe we had no idea.”
“The human body is complicated. But you know what’s not?”
“What?” He frowns and closes the laptop.
“The heart, it carries the soul you know, and it’s not complicated at all, it makes total sense that you would carry someone there, that you would allow the blood to flow, the body to work, the brain to get blood. At the end of the day, the heart decides everything, so what an important decision to give that to someone, right? Who gives their actual heart, the main commander of the body, to another soul? Well, the answer is that the heart and soul are together and when the heart isn’t sure, the soul goes, them, that person, them. My heart has always been yours, so whatever happens, whatever hits our way. Just know, you have both.”
He reaches up and grabs my face, then presses a kiss to my mouth, it’s soft and full of aggression at the same time. His lips are so soft as they move against mine.
I can’t even imagine possibly losing him.
I crush my mouth to his harder and then he’s lifting me onto the bed and pulling my shirt over my head.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I think back.
Him on the ground.
Him unresponsive.
Coding.
“Marry me,” I whisper. “Marry me.”
“Just stealing all my thunder.” He brushes his lips against mine and leans up, grabbing my bracelet with the cross, he ties it around my left hand, my ring finger. “Yes.”
