Lost In Seoul, page 12
I’m in shock.
I’ve never heard anyone outside our circle speak this way. And to know that a fan feels so protective is humbling.
Stunned I almost stop walking, then whisper my own truth, suddenly comfortable in front of a complete stranger, knowing somehow I can implicitly trust her. “If I wasn’t already in love with someone I think you’d make me fall.”
She stumbles.
I catch her.
And when she looks up at me she nods. “I’ll protect you too, Sookie,” She loops her arm in mine. “And the girl you love.”
“I think,” I smile down at her. “We just became best friends.”
“You know,” She shrugs as she gets into the van, the cameras are following us all but not closely. “You may be my new bias.”
I burst out laughing and hold up my hand for a high five. She jumps into my arms instead and leans into my neck. “Give them something to watch, then go back to her, take the focus off of your cursing.”
I spin her around and set her down, all before she turns toward the cameras and says. “I already know who my idol is for the day, does that mean I win prize money and we get to go first?”
Producer Lee is looking down at his phone eyes wide, he elbows Director Simon, who then elbows Ari, who won’t even look my way. Her face is tense, and I can’t tell what she’s thinking, but I do know that she’s been watching my interaction with Dueri. I know if the tables were turned I wouldn’t be too happy.
I turn my attention back to Simon and the producers who are staring at their phones like a miracle just happened.
Lucas joins them, stares at the phone then shows Grace, her eyes widen, but I can tell she’s sad as she steps up in front of the camera. “It looks like we have our first contenders for the challenge, and yes if you’ve guessed the correct identity of your idol you’ll be the first ones to get prize money.”
Dueri looks up at me, her eyes soft. “It’s Sookie.”
“And how do you know?” Lucas steps forward in full on protective mode, then again we both know at this point everyone’s going to know I cussed and that my image will be tarnished, but Dueri surprises me again when she slowly pulls off my clown mask lowering it from my face and answers.
“Because of his heart.”
Gasps are heard on set.
The rest of the guys paired up with girls are just standing there staring at us so I play into it the way I’ve always been told and the way I’m hoping this number one fan understands and say. “Being an idol is hard sometimes, but what makes it the best is when your fans know your heart the way she knows mine.”
I swear one of the makeup artists looks ready to pass out.
Director Simon grins so big you’d think his face was about to crack, but when I look back at Ari all I see is pain.
And fuck. It hurts me to know that I just did this to her. but…
There is such a long list of buts that I could interject here, I’m just too tired to do it. I’m sorry I hurt her—she’s the last woman… the last person in the world I want to hurt, but… this is my life. This is the life—the contract—she approved me to sign.
And when I lock eyes with Lucas, it’s like he knows I may have just ended my own career.
I should have probably, stayed silent and kept on the bow, at least that’s what I tell myself until I get into the van and sit next to the guy in the mask and feel a tap on my thigh before he grips my hand.
So she was right in the end, it was him, and he was possibly going to get asked about the girlfriend nobody knows about.
Even if I hate TestME I’ll protect them at all costs now, because we’re in it together, and I know what it’s like to lose and to love and to know you’ll never have it, so if he does, I’ll cover for him. maybe I went through my hell to help him through his.
Maybe that’s all Ari is. A lesson. A lesson or a test or a fucking albatross to help me help others.
Maybe I’m on this show for a reason.
Maybe I’ve been falling for so long I forgot what it was like to fly.
I smile.
Maybe I go bad after being so good.
Sounds nice.
Chapter Eleven
Ari
Well, that was the worst experience of my life.
Scratch that.
Not experience, because I was in no way participating in any of that crap I was forced to watch… no, I was just a voyeur like the rest of them, peeking in… creeping in and having my heart broken when I saw the genuine connection Sookie had with that fan of his. No, she wasn’t crazy.
She seemed sweet.
God.
She seems sweet.
Like the kind of girl I’d want my brother to end up with, even though she’s a super fan. But not Sookie.
Never Sookie.
Watching them is painful to the point of no return. I don’t even know what to do. He looks genuinely happy getting in that black van, like that was a real smile on his face… something I rarely ever get to see. I think I’m going to be sick. What’s worse? She’d be perfect for him… this girl who has this sweet smile and is probably a sweetheart to match, and now he also has his ex in the van. God. Talk about torture. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this crap situation. I don’t know how things could actually get better at this point.
Emotionally I’m dying inside.
On the outside I’m prim and proper, doing my job, all business. I’m the type A Ari that Simon oh so pointed out earlier in the day. But on the inside…
I’m dying. I’m crumbling. All I want is to get to my apartment, close the door, get in a bath and cry my eyes out. Why can’t I be there right now?
And then, as my emotions get the best of me I walk up to the van, my heels digging into the grass nearly making me fall as I think about the Maknae of the group. Who wouldn’t fall for Sookie?
Who?
“You doing all right?” Producer Sung-Bin walks up to me and grabs ahold of my arm just as the doors start to close to the van. He pulls me against his body right before my left heel gets caught and I trip into him. I look back to see Sookie’s usual pale face replaced by a smirk—an angry one that says he came to play and will absolutely wreck the world.
It’s sexy.
Oh my god, is it sexy. Like he’s all grown up even more kind of sexy. My cheeks flush, my body tingles and I’m suddenly thinking about kissing him.
Crap.
I feel guilty.
And I’m without a shoe. I’m officially a mess.
I shove Sung-Bin away and collect myself as much as I can. I lean down to grab my shoe from the ground only to trip and fall face first into the grass. Sung-Bin grabs my arm and spins me around. “Are you okay?”
“Save it for the cameras.” Director Simon laughs and walks by us.
I shrug away from Sung-Bin. “Thanks for the save.”
He grabs my shoe and puts it back on my left foot, leaning down on his haunches, dressed in his impeccable pinstriped black and white pants and white shirt. He looks up, his eyes lock onto mine.
“Isn’t this part of some fairytale?” He asks me.
“It is,” I have to admit.
“Cinderella?”
“Yes,” I return except he’s not my Prince Charming. The guy in the back of the van wearing the clown costume is.
“I could be your savior.” He continues on having no clue the mental insanity that is taking place inside my brain.
If I wasn’t so emotional, I’d probably laugh at his obvious line, instead it brings tears to my eyes. Oh my god. I’m going to cry!
“It would be nice if it could be you. But it’s not.”
He shoves the heel onto my foot and stands to his full height then casually puts his hands into his pockets. “We’ll see about that.”
He walks off and I can’t tell if I’ve pissed him off but I stumble toward the van looking like a mess with dirt attached to both my hands and my heels. By the time I get in we’re already late for the next location according to schedule.
My mind instantly rushes back to the problem at hand.
My problem.
Sookie.
Who wouldn’t fall for Sookie? I fell for him the minute I laid eyes on him and it wasn’t because he was gorgeous---it was because he was kind…
Fine. The gorgeous part didn’t hurt. But I’ve been around gorgeous all my life. Looks get old real fast if you don’t have someone you genuinely love and adore.
And I do adore him.
God.
And I love him too.
Does he hate me now? For doing my job? Do I hate myself? I don’t even know, best but then a small part of myself says yes… I do hate you.
I hate you because you just pushed the man you love into another woman’s arms. You just pushed the best thing that’s ever happened to you away. All on your own.
All on your own volition.
How about that?
I grimace some more then try and cloud my mind with work. I do know that I have a few hours to clock in and it’s about to be a grim long night at a haunted school watching women fight over him. How exciting for me? I mean, what the hell? I should get an award for being subjected to this torture. And I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but he seems to be the one everyone wants.
Is it his innocence?
Kindness?
Ability to appear like a bad boy?
And then my stupid brain goes right to the place.
“You wanted him—you still want him, you still look up his videos, you watch the variety shows, you watch him like a hawk and deny him the one thing he wants. Freedom to be with you. All in a desperate attempt to protect him—but at the end of the day is it really him or your own heart?”
And now I’m talking to myself.
Sung-Bin pats my knee. “Are you good?”
I lie and stare down at my muddy heels. “Never been better.”
Chapter Twelve
Sookie
“All right!” Lucas claps his hands together once we get to the “haunted” school. The only fear that’s been revealed is Sookie, can you please take a minute and tell us why you’re afraid of clowns and apparently small, tiny, little pink bows?”
I can’t glare because my mask is finally off so I force a small smile that I’m sure gives him the idea I’m going to be punching him later.
I hate clowns because they’re always smiling and I find that to be terrifying, nobody is that happy all the time,” I tell him deadpan.
“And that’s the only reason why you fear them so much?” Lucas asks curiously.
”No, that’s not all. Once, when I was at a theme park, a clown came up to me and accidentally popped a balloon in my face. It looked like a bow, I was on Weverse live when I said something about it so apparently people remembered. I’m also scared of spiders and…” I play it up for the camera. “Snails set me back a bit too, they’re too slow.” I have a sudden vision of watching Monsters University where the snail never makes it to class and actually feel stressed, like I haven’t made it to dance practice in time. I mean, they can literally nap for up to three years. It’s a fact.
Grace grins, folding her arms across her black leather jacket. “And you’re fast?”
“Says the girl who taught me English.” I smirk when I realize it was only the bad words or things I shouldn’t say then realize I should probably thank her for all of that sometime. She helped me a lot. But first I need to build up enough nerve to tell her the story she asked about a year ago when I was texting at the kitchen counter, trying to make sure I looked fine when everything wasn’t, trying to keep my screen hidden when we both were going through the trauma of our lives. I’m sure she remembers that moment well.
Lucas clears his throat while Grace laughs. It’s endearing and I like watching them together. I like seeing them so happy. It reminds me that I have friends outside of the group, which then reminds me that at some point, if all went to hell, beyond them, I would have her. The girl I held hands with while taking her to the airport, while her heart was breaking over Lucas. Grace will always be my friend.
Maybe there can be a good ending after all even if it isn’t necessarily the one that I want, maybe it can be good., But Grace and Lucas are living proof of happily ever after—or at least on its way to being that. And right now I need to believe in those kind of miracles. I need proof that they do happen. That they’re fucking real, especially since I’m about to go inside the haunted school with a girl I don’t know, with my ex watching, and the girl I love most likely looking at the film while I go.
I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
I stop and look up at the giant clown face we have to walk through just to get into the school.
She pauses. “It’s just a face.”
I have to laugh, it escapes too hard through my teeth. “It’s just a lot of things.”
She reaches for my hand and grips hard, putting her fingers between mine in a reassuring way. And I appreciate the gesture. “Let’s win more money for charity, and then you can figure… things out.”
“Life.” I nod and grip her hand. “Right?”
She grips it back, “Well, Director Simon, I think we’re going in the clowns mouth.”
“And down the dark tunnel.” I add. I mean, no worries, no stress, just a dark tunnel full of who knows what while in a matching clown costume that I may be buried in.
Everyone around us laughs and cheers good luck to us, and as we cling to each other, I realize that for the first time in a really long time I feel like I have one other person on my side. It’s a nice feeling to know that my tribe just expanded even more., Somehow, I know she’s got my back… that is until we pass through the terrifying clown mouth and end up next to teeth that start chomping.
“Aghhhhhhhhhh!” She screams and lets go of my hand as she takes off for her life. “Run, run!”
She doesn’t have to tell me twice. Running sounds like the best option ever. Run away from all of it, but mainly the clowns.
We both run toward the throat, yeah that sounds safe, and then fall down a slide and go right into a murky swamp of mud full of weird looking demons that look real but I’m hoping aren’t. They’re dressed in all white with red faces, fangs dripping with blood, and horns protruding out of their foreheads. The horns are black, and their hands are folded in front of them like they’re about to either pray or attack us. This is like my worst nightmare come to life.
“Trainee days didn’t prepare us for this.” I wrap an arm around her back and pull her close not realizing what I’m doing.
She grabs my arm with her fingers, digging in with fear and relief that I’m touching her. She’s shaking so I at least know I’m not the only one a bit freaked out. “Let’s just move really, really, slow.”
“Or we make noise and scare the monsters before they scare us?”
She laughs and I’m reminded again what it’s like to have someone by your side—even if she came into my life by way of fandom—I know she cares.
“Hey…” I stop walking and pull her into a dark corner away from the creepy stalker looking guy walking down the hall with an ax who is wearing a clown mask and combat boots—Yeah, think we’ll just skip that one.
“Thanks.” I tell her.
Everything around us is terrifying, I can’t see a thing, but I can see her face as she leans up and in and cups my cheeks. Her heart-shaped face is adorable, especially when she bites her lower lip. In another world, she’s someone I would be interested in. Someone I would go for. But shit. Life sucks, why couldn’t I fall for someone like her? Why does it have to be the impossible? Ari. The one girl who can never truly be mine?
“I’m going to try something.”
“What?” I’m suddenly confused.
She stands up on her tiptoes and presses a soft kiss to my cheek then my mouth and I part my lips and let her in because why not at this point… I’m so lost. I’m so done. I let her in because she feels safe and I need safe, and I’m angry and sad, and everything in my life is out of control—but this. not this moment. no one can tell me who I can kiss right now. No one. I realize I have no feelings for her other than this moment. Do I feel guilty? No. She wanted this. she instigated this kiss, I’m just reciprocating—she knows I’m in love with another woman. She guessed it. so I feel no remorse—maybe we both need this. It’s one small moment that I’m not allowed to get in my daily life, granted it’s one that could ruin me, but I’m already there… how did it get this far? How am I kissing a woman in front of cameras and the world?
Where did the sensible Sookie go?
I’d been so careful this entire time and then it just hits, I’ve lost my censor, my measure of everything, my mind.
Who the hell am I?
She pulls back after my tongue slides against hers, after I tug her top lip and remember how she didn’t ask for more. With a laugh she pulls further away and crosses her arms over her black trench coat.
“So we getting out of here or what?”
“Do we need to discuss?” What just happened? We just kissed? We just broke every rule to break, and she knows I’m in love with someone else, and what? How is she acting so cool and unaffected? Why am I the one who needs to discuss our feelings?
“Meh, sexual repression happens to everyone, just like fear, I was present, you were present,” She lowers her voice and waves her hand in the air like it’s no big deal. “I know you don’t care about me, but also thanks for making my last few months worth it.”
I stop her and try to pull her away from any cameras in the hallway. “What? You can’t kill yourself, no, don’t—”
She starts laughing and looks at me like I’m crazy.
“I’m not killing myself! Don’t be so dramatic… myself is killing itself.” She pulls me out into the hallway where all the hidden cameras can see us. “Thank you, genuinely, thank you. I’ve been following you for years and you’ve always been my favorite idol, I’ve always wanted just one weird fan moment with you before I die and you gave that to me, so thank you.”
