El & Em, page 30
“There's places we can't go back to, no matter what we – even if we wanted to. And I know it's a risk, if we try'n get part of it back and not the rest. But we can't both be in this band and not be easy with each other, it just don't work.”
Luke paused, but Emmett didn't know what to say. His mouth had gone suddenly dry, and his lips felt cracked.
“The fans, too – they miss us, how we used to be, can't you feel it?”
Emmett tried to swallow. “What...what's Laura gonna think if we – get touchy with each other, like we used to?”
“She won't care. She's got her own stuff going on, better things to do than baby-sit me. And she knows I keep my word.”
“So...” Emmett narrowed his eyes to study Luke’s face, then turned his body against the window. “How come you aren't leaning on me right now then, like you used to?”
Luke looked surprised, then broke into a smile. “Thought you might not want me to.”
“Seems like you'd be more comfy.”
In an instant, Luke had slid over to rest his back against Emmett's chest. “Thanks, Em. Will you work on it with me?”
“Course I will.”
It was hard at first. Emmett had to push through some of the motions even when they didn't feel natural to him, and he could see Luke doing the same thing. But so much of their old interaction was part of their muscle memory, like the songs themselves, that it came back almost immediately when they relaxed and allowed it to. Once in a while something odd or awkward would happen and they'd exchange a look, but then Luke would laugh and shrug and throw an arm around Emmett, and the moment would be forgotten.
They still split up to lead the crowd interaction, but now they'd move toward each other once everyone was singing, until they eventually met in the middle of the stage and wrapped their arms around each other in a show of unity that would somehow bring the whole crowd together into a single cohesive community.
As their comfort increased, it soon felt natural to be physically connected whenever they were within reach, just as it had in the old days. Luke resumed many of his other moves, sliding up to Emmett and dancing around him, standing shoulder to shoulder, leaning against his chest or propping himself on Emmett's back. The first time Luke rested his weight against Emmett's chest again, a whole shiver ran through Emmett's body, as though he'd somehow just stolen something forbidden in broad daylight. As the moments became more frequent he grew accustomed to the sensation, but he never lost the small guilty thrill at feeling Luke's body against his own.
Emmett still couldn't quite read Luke – couldn't tell if he simply wanted to resume their on-stage familiarity or if he too felt those small currents of electricity when their bare skin connected. Sometimes he thought he sensed a kind of lingering in Luke's touch, a reluctance to end their contact – but he could never be entirely sure.
Emmett took to crossing the stage at times to stand beside Laura, putting his arm around her slight shoulders or sharing her mic for back up vocals so they could face each other. Laura always welcomed him with an outstretched arm and a smile, as though happy to be included in the general entertainment. At the start of each show Luke would lead Laura onto the stage, holding her hand, but Emmett took to escorting her off, with an arm around her or under her elbow, standing by and helping her down the stairs from the stage.
The end of the tour's first phase was coming up in early September. Emmett had taken a couple of trips home to work, and Luke had accommodated him without complaint. The band would take a six-week break, then begin the second phase in mid-October, with a series of shows in Paris, London, Amsterdam, Madrid and Rome, before wrapping up the reunion tour at the end of November. Mary-Ann had spent the summer in Vegas with her mother, and toward the end of August Denise flew out there to pick her up and meet the tour in Austin so they could join Emmett for the final weeks before the break.
Emmett was excited to have Mary-Ann with him, and also strangely relieved to see Denise. Being with her helped to burn off some of his pent-up tension and, perhaps, guilt. Sometimes he found himself feeling vaguely contrite when he saw Luke with Laura, and he had a vague sense that being with Denise showed his intentions were honourable.
The last stateside show was in Portland. As the band arrived and unloaded, Emmett watched Denise hold Mary-Ann's hand to help her off the bus, and mused over how well they got along. Luke and Laura walked into the hotel together, and Emmett thought about how they seemed to fit together comfortably and wondered if he and Denise might work the same way.
That night, in their hotel room, Emmett asked Denise if she wanted to marry him.
She looked amused and skeptical. “We're not even exclusive. Are you sure you wouldn't rather just keep things casual?” she asked.
When she said it, Emmett wondered if he would; but somehow it seemed vitally important right then for him to be in a settled relationship, to ensure there were no misunderstandings on his own part or anyone else’s. He assured her his question was real and after a bit of discussion she agreed. He suggested they get married sometime after the full tour was over.
“Yeah,” Denise said, still not sounding completely convinced. “Let's leave it casual till the end of the tour, then we can figure it out.”
Emmett didn't tell anyone about the engagement except Mary-Ann, as he knew she'd be happy to have Denise in the family. But not surprisingly, word got around among the children and eventually spread to the adults.
As they headed on stage for their last show before the break, Luke suddenly stepped up and seized Emmett's arm. “What's this I hear,” he said abruptly, his tone unusually rough, “about you and Denise? Is it true you're engaged?”
Emmett understood the reaction, but Luke would need to get over this confusion just as he had. He gently pulled his arm free. “Yes,” he said, and continued on to his station on the stage.
That night Emmett could feel something off for the whole show. Luke would run toward him, only to stop and turn away; when they met in the middle of the stage after an audience sing-along, Luke's grip on his waist would be tighter than usual and then suddenly disappear. At one point he caught Luke staring at him with a troubled look, but when their eyes met Luke just smiled coolly and motioned him backwards on the stage. When Emmett whispered in Luke's ear between songs, asking if something was wrong, Luke snapped impatiently and moved to the other side of the stage. By now, Emmett usually knew what Luke wanted at any moment during a show, but tonight it seemed completely impossible to make him happy.
On this tour the band did a three-song encore, ending with an upbeat version of one of Luke's newer songs. Tonight, as they wrapped up the second song in the encore, Luke skipped over toward Emmett and Emmett instinctively reached out to catch him and pull him close, expecting Luke to reciprocate with an arm around his own waist – as they used to do in the old days, and now did again. But this time Luke didn't react at all for a second; then in a quick motion he pushed Emmett’s arm away, wrenched himself free, and hissed, “Stop it!”
Emmett froze, shocked and mortified, like he'd been publicly chastised. What had he done wrong? Had he somehow pushed Luke too far? Across from him, Luke looked stunned, stricken.
Then the lights went down between songs, and in the darkness Emmett recovered himself – he set his face to a neutral expression and turned away to change his instrument.
Leo started the beat for the next song, but instead of counting them in, Luke suddenly stopped and turned around to face the band. “‘Mountain Home’,” he ordered. “‘Mountain Home’!”
The band exchanged surprised looks, but Leo quickly adjusted his beat and the band launched smoothly into “Mountain Home” – a song that hadn't been played once on this tour and yet remained forever in their collective memory. Emmett quickly switched his harp back to his trumpet and stepped to the front of the stage for his first solo. In a moment Luke was at his side, bouncing restlessly on the balls of his feet and shooting him little glances, trying to catch his attention. But Emmett focused stoically on his trumpet, too wounded and wary to respond.
When the trumpet solo ended, Luke ran back to his mic for the chorus, with Emmett and Laura joining in.
LC and the Mountain
LC and the Mountain
LC found that Mountain home
The band began the outro, Emmett stepped up again for his final solo, and Luke retreated to the far side of the stage. As Luke started his run along the riser, Emmett knew what was coming and had to close his eyes against memories that threatened to overwhelm him. When he re-opened them, Luke had landed on his knees at Emmett's feet and was looking up at him with such earnest remorse that Emmett could only smile and put out a hand to pull him up, and they took their bows together with clasped hands.
After that night, Emmett no longer had doubts about Luke's feelings for him.
Chapter 28
Just before the break, Laura told Luke she wouldn't be joining the band for the second phase of the tour. She wanted to stay home with the kids so they could start at their regular school in the fall, and so she could prepare for her own upcoming solo tour.
Luke congratulated himself on his foresight in adding Robbie to the band. To learn Laura's parts, Robbie spent most of the break at the farmhouse working with Luke. They spent their days holed up in the studio, then emerged in the evening to join the rest of the family.
“So my old band called me today,” Robbie said casually over dinner one night. “They wanted me to join their new tour.”
“When?” Luke asked, trying not to sound alarmed. Laura was out at rehearsal tonight, so he and Robbie were trying to keep Julia and Jason corralled at the table.
“Next month.” Robbie leaned over to cut up Jason’s salmon for him, and gave Luke a reassuring grin. “I told them I can't, obviously.”
“Don't you like your old band?” Julia asked curiously.
“Sure I do, buddy. I'd love to tour with them sometime. But I have a great opportunity playing with your dad's band right now, so why would I throw that away?”
Now that the danger had passed, Luke felt more inclined to provide benevolent advice. “You can't be afraid to take risks if you want to make it in this business, Robbie.”
“Sure, but – ”
“As long as you got talent and work hard, you'll do fine.”
“Yeah, but why would I want to throw away something I've already got – and love – to take a risk that might not pay off?”
“You gotta have faith in yourself.”
“I have faith in myself. It's the rest of the world I'm not so sure of.”
“The world's not so bad. It's always treated me well.”
Robbie started to respond, then stopped himself with a small laugh.
“Well, daddy,” Julia piped up. “Maybe that's ’cause you don't look like Robbie.”
“What?” Luke almost choked on his food.
“Mama says some people get treated different cause of how they look.” Julia glanced from Luke to Robbie and back again, as though wondering why she had to explain this. “People like Robbie and Em and Gordie.”
“Well, that don't – ” Luke started, and then stopped. “I mean, it's the same world for everyone.”
Robbie was laughing openly now. “What do you think, Jules? Is it the same for everyone?”
Julia looked at her father as though she felt a bit sorry for him. “That doesn't even make sense.”
Luke barely spoke for the rest of the meal. Afterward he put the kids to bed with Robbie's help, still distracted, then picked up a guitar in the living room and ran his fingers over the strings idly to try and clear his head. When Robbie looked in to say good-night, Luke waved without looking up.
“Hey...everything okay, dude?” Robbie asked, pausing on his way out.
“Yeah, sure, sorry. Just thinking. And, um...of course you're right, man. It's not the same world for all of us.”
Robbie gave him a quick hug and headed out, leaving Luke to sort out his thoughts alone.
Ever since the conversation at dinner, he'd had a vague, disquieting notion that something about his internal narrative needed to be reassessed. For years, he'd thought of himself as a poor working-class kid who got ahead through grit, hard work and talent. Now it occurred to him for the first time that there might be more to his story than that. He remembered a long-ago conversation with Emmett, when he'd suggested they take a leap forward together, start over again if necessary – how he'd seen himself as the bold, scrappy risk-taker and Emmett as hesitant, fearful, faithless. Now, once again, he had that familiar sense of his perspective shifting as he looked back on the moment. Could their differences have been less about faith and more about how they saw the world, and how the world saw each of them?
Luke played a few notes on his guitar as he reconsidered the past. He'd always looked up to Emmett, seen him as older, wiser, worldlier, better educated, more middle-class. It hadn't occurred to him that on other scales, Emmett might not be as well off. Not just the one Julia and Robbie had alluded to, either. Money, for another example, and power – Luke had enough of both to fully control his life and his career. Emmett had answered to others – his family, his job – for his whole life; it was only now, with his own business and his own band, that he had any experience of true independence.
Did all of that really make the world so different for the two of them? Luke strummed a few chords, pondering. Wasn't reality objective? Was what you saw the same thing your neighbour saw? Could one truth be told for everyone? Words began forming in his mind, the way song lyrics often did for him. Maybe truth depended on who told it, and who saw it...
He worked for the rest of the night on a tune for his new lyrics, shaping them together into a bluesy, melancholy, acoustic number. Not something for the full band, but maybe a little sax accompaniment would work? The song was roughly formulated when he went to bed that night – late, and wondering why Laura wasn't home yet.
The next day he got an answer to his question about Laura. He was in the studio with Robbie, playing him the new song and explaining what he had in mind for a sax refrain, when she popped in and asked to speak to him.
Luke left Robbie working on his part and followed Laura to the living room, where he sat down and she poured them both drinks. It started to dawn on him that this was going to be a serious conversation.
“What's up?” he asked, taking the drink. “And hey, weren't you out pretty late last night?”
“Yeah.” Laura sat down in the chair across from him and hesitated a little. She wore loose jeans with an oversized sweatshirt, and her hair fell to her shoulders in simple waves now. “Listen. I really hate to spring this on you when you'll be back on the road so soon. But it can't wait till the end of the tour so I'm afraid it has to be now.”
“What? What is it?”
“It's Pedro.”
“Pedro – your piano player? What about him?”
“Well, the thing is, I – I'm afraid we have feelings for each other.”
Luke's mouth fell open. He froze for a long moment, then remembered his drink and tossed it back. Laura waited while he recovered.
“What – but, what – since when?”
“I mean, it's been under the surface for a while, you know. But we've talked about it and...Luke, he loves me back. I never knew what that felt like. And now I know – well, I can't settle for anything else. I'm sorry, I don't mean to disrupt your life. But I want a divorce.”
Luke shut his mouth and looked into his empty glass, then got up and went over to the bar.
“I'm sorry, Luke. It's my fault – I thought we could make things work knowing my feelings were one-sided, and I guess we did for a while. But I can't pass up this chance for something real.”
“Of course.” The words came out automatically as Luke topped up his soda with scotch, but he meant them. Of course she wanted to be loved, of course that was the right choice for her, of course it would be better than this – this arrangement of convenience. “Laura, I totally understand.”
“Do you?” She looked up at him so wistfully that he set his glass down and went over to take her in his arms.
“You're doing the right thing. I mean – if you're really sure about it?”
“I'm sure. I mean – we've known for a while. I didn't want to tell you till I was positive.”
“Then I'm happy for you. You always deserved more than I could give you.”
“You've been a fine partner, Luke.” She hugged him back with affection and regret, then pulled away and brushed at her eyes, sighing. “The kids are going to be devastated.”
“We'll just have to make it as easy as we can for them. You know I'll support you and...we'll figure everything out.”
For the rest of the break, Luke worked with Robbie on the new song, and with Laura on their future. He was genuinely happy for her – surely no one deserved love more than she did – and approved of Pedro, who he'd met a couple of times and knew well by reputation. But even with the best of intentions, a change this big, after seven years and two kids, would take some time to work through.
Luke had a few amicable discussions with Laura and Pedro to discuss living arrangements, shared parenting, public announcements, and the like, and then a few more with lawyers and publicists. Everyone agreed to keep the news quiet until the end of Luke's current tour – both to give Laura and Pedro some privacy, and to avoid overshadowing Laura's upcoming solo shows or Luke's big comeback. The children would be told by both parents together, once Luke returned from the tour. To reduce disruption, Luke offered to move out when he returned, leaving Laura and the kids at the farmhouse, and Laura was inclined to accept, at least for a while.
By the time the break ended, Luke had more or less adapted to the new normal. He joined the rest of the band for the next phase of the tour, leaving Laura and the kids at home.
Emmett returned to the tour with Mary-Ann but not Denise, who hadn't arranged any more time off work. It was a bit lonelier for Mary-Ann without the other kids, but Luke kept Jason and Julia's teacher on for her benefit, and Emmett had employed a full-time caregiver, so she was well looked after.
