El & Em, page 15
“Can't believe I didn't get to see that.” Luke raised his head again and looked up at Emmett. “Was Eddie there?”
“No, just me and Jerry from the team. You should've come.”
“Aw, I had enough of those industry parties. Even watching Jer embarrass himself don't make them worth it anymore.”
“So what did you do tonight?
“Oh, you know...hung out with some fans, had dinner with a guy from the radio station – I got an interview with him tomorrow before the show.” Luke stood up to make Emmett another drink. “But thank you for going, I appreciate you takin' one for the team.”
Emmett laughed. “I like those events. It's a good way to meet people, maybe line up new projects.”
“Yeah, you like being the talent and letting everyone make a big deal over you.”
“Sure I do, what's wrong with that?”
Luke shook his head, smiling. “Nothin’.” He poured Jim Beam over ice in the glass, then added ginger ale. The bottles came from his own room where Janie had left them as requested. His income had increased recently – not so much from tours, but from album sales and royalties – and he'd hired his first personal assistant just before the tour started. Janie was one of his oldest fans, willing to work cheap in exchange for joining the tour, and she freed him from the most banal aspects of daily life.
He brought the drink over to Emmett, who was leaning against the headboard now, and climbed back onto the bed.
“Bet that PR lady woulda gone home with you if you tried.”
“I bet she would too.” Emmett grinned at Luke over the glass as he sipped. “But I had plans with you, man. I wasn't going to stand you up.”
Luke planted a kiss on his shoulder, then lay back down to rest his head in Emmett's lap. “Thank you.”
“Hey, Luke...” Emmett looked down at him, more serious now. “I heard some of the company guys talking at the party, and they say this tour is doing really well.”
“Yeah, it is. You guys'll get a new statement soon, you're gonna be happy.”
Emmett's broad hand brushed the hair off Luke's forehead. “It's not just about the money. I'm glad it's going well; I thought maybe you weren't liking this one as much.”
“You know I love touring.” Luke could hear the caginess in his voice and knew Emmett would too.
“Is it the size of the venues? I know it's harder with the big crowds.”
“It's not that. I love the crowds. I love how many people want to see us.”
“What's bothering you, then?”
Luke lay on his back and stared up at the ceiling. “It just...feels different from before. Y'know, we got, like, fifty people on the team now – I don't even know everyone's name. I mean, I could pass someone at the store and not know they work for me.”
“Yeah, that seems weird.”
“And I barely see the guys. No one hangs out together any more.”
“Well, they have their own lives.”
“Sure, I mean, Leo’s got his wife and kids here...”
“Eddie's got Jenny...”
“His fiancée. But, like, I have fucking meetings with Ray and José and Mark...it's like we're some kind of corporation.”
“You meet with us too.”
“Yeah...sound-check, show, weekly meeting, that's the only time the band's together.”
“We've had a lot of togetherness over the last seven years, man.”
Luke laughed. “I get it, there ain't much left to talk about.”
“It's not like everyone hates each other.”
“I know, they just got shit to do.” Luke sat up and took a sip from Emmett's drink. “Even you, man. You're always busy with other people and these parties and all the chicks....” Actually, the women didn't bother Luke so much, although they were plentiful, because Emmett didn't seem serious about any of them. In fact, Luke suspected Emmett mainly brought attractive women to events so he'd get more attention from the media; he always scoured the papers the next day looking for coverage, much to Luke's amusement. “I ain't complaining, just sometimes I miss hangin’ out.”
“You're busier than me, though. I'd hang out with you if I could find you, but most days you're holed up with Jerry for hours.”
“Yeah.” Luke sighed. “I thought having Janie would free me up for fun stuff but I just spend more time with Jerry instead, going over money and contracts and new deals...”
“Aw, you don't like being a big star now?” Emmett said, pulling away so he could face Luke with gentle derision.
“I love bein’ a rock star. I love feeling like I can do something for the world. I love bein’ famous and having fans, and the money don't hurt either. It's just – it don't always feel like rock and roll now, feels more like a business. I spend all day making deals.”
“You know if you don't take care of your business, someone else is gonna do it for you.”
“I know, I'm glad I'm in control. But man, some days I just wish someone else would make the decisions for me.”
Emmett growled playfully, grabbed Luke and swung him back into his lap, then held him in place and leaned down to kiss his mouth. “I can decide some things for you if you want.”
Luke did want. The combination of powerlessness and safety in Emmett's arms still intoxicated him. He wanted that, and the friendship, and the physical intimacy, and all the things he already had with Emmett. Only he wanted more as well.
Luke wasn't the type to hide from the truth. He knew simple crushes didn't last for seven years; he knew he didn't sleep with Emmett out of curiosity, or because no girl happened to be handy; he knew who he was thinking about when he sang love songs these days. The way he felt with Emmett wasn't the same as he felt with a friend; the way Emmett felt to him wasn't the same as a woman did. This thing with Emmett was different from anything he'd known before – exciting and heady, rich and ripe for exploration.
But he still wasn't sure Emmett took their sleep-overs so seriously. It was as if Emmett figured as long as they just talked, made out, got each other off and went to sleep, he could continue to categorize everything they did under the heading friends. Was that really how he wanted it, or just the safer option?
Luke thought often about pushing the question, trying to force Emmett into an admission, or at least into actually considering the question. He hesitated not because he was afraid of the answer, but because he wasn't sure Emmett himself knew what he wanted yet. This was, after all, Emmett's first real taste of freedom; he'd spent his whole life before now doing what others wanted him to. How could he know his own preferences until he'd had chance to sample all the options? Wouldn't he reach the right decision eventually?
In the meantime, Luke tried to hold himself back and stay within Emmett's comfort zone. He let Emmett take the lead in bed as in most other places – because it just felt right. Perhaps Luke had been a bit intimidated at first, or grateful for Emmett's faith in him; maybe now he was burnt out on decision-making, or it might have something to do with that feeling he got whenever Emmett pinned him down or carried him, helpless as a child. Whatever the reason, Luke's instinct was to defer to Emmett in all things outside of work or music.
So tonight he was happy to let Emmett hold him down and kiss him until he was gasping, no longer embarrassed that it made him hard. Emmett knew what he liked and always seemed good-natured about taking care of him; in fact, Luke was pretty sure he enjoyed it more than he let on. Afterward Luke felt so good he almost drifted off. That was the great thing about being with a guy, he thought drowsily; they understood.
But he didn't want to miss his chance to return the favour if Emmett would let him, which he usually did without much protest these days. Rousing himself after a couple of minutes, Luke turned to face Emmett, who lay with an arm over him as always.
“Em?” He usually asked for permission first, just to be safe.
There was no answer; Emmett's breathing was soft and even but surely he couldn't have fallen asleep yet? Luke reached down and tentatively closed his hand around Emmett's dick.
“Hey – ” Emmett mumbled, swatting Luke's hand away sleepily. “You'd be in trouble if you were my boy...”
“Huh?” Luke’s hand froze in place, a few inches from Emmett’s hip. “What did you say?”
“Oh...” Emmett still sounded drowsy. “Sorry, Lukey, c'mere, it's okay...”
Luke's brain did not know what to compute first. “I'm...not?” he said finally.
“What?” Emmett, more awake now, tugged Luke toward him and kissed him apologetically. “I didn't mean to stop you.”
“I ain't your boy?” Luke pushed against Emmett's arms, trying to sit up.
“What? Oh, forget what I said, I was half asleep. C'mon back here.”
“No, wait, hold on.” Luke couldn't seem to formulate a complete thought. When he pushed again Emmett released him, and he jumped over to the other side of the bed, feeling dizzy. “What did you mean?”
“It was nothing. I was talking in my sleep.”
“You said I ain't your boy.”
“You're no one's boy, Luke.”
“I'm yours.” As he said the words, Luke had never been more sure of anything in his life.
“Don't talk crazy. You don't know what you're saying.”
Luke squeezed his eyes shut briefly and tried to move to the next half formed thought. “If you think I ain't – then who is?”
Emmett laughed. “No one. And you don't want to be. Come on, just forget I said anything.”
Still too many thoughts at once. “I do – and – why wouldn't I? And who was? When?”
“Look, you're not missing anything.” Emmett spoke more gently now, as though recognizing Luke's turmoil. He sat up in the bed, leaning against the headboard, and put a coaxing hand out toward Luke. “It's – it's just a thing I used to do, but it was a long time ago and it doesn't mean anything. Okay?”
“Do you...” It had never occurred to Luke to wonder before, but now it was urgent to him. “Do you do this with other guys?”
“What? No, man. Only you.”
Luke took a breath. “But – before?”
“I mean, a long time ago...yeah.”
“Your boy.”
“It wasn't...like, one particular guy.”
“Well, why them and not me? How come they get to be yours and I don't?”
“Because that was different. It's not what you're thinking, it wasn't, like, some romantic thing.”
Emmett's outstretched hand had dropped onto the bed, and he faced forward stoically, not meeting Luke's transfixed gaze. Somehow the jumble inside Luke's mind cleared enough for him to realize Emmett wasn't just reluctant to talk about this; he was embarrassed. Luke felt a pang of guilt; he told himself to drop it and realized instantly that was impossible.
“Listen, Em,” he said, trying to corral his emotions into a coherent sentence. “I don't mean to pry, I guess you don't like talking about this but...I'm sorry, I gotta know.”
They sat for a few minutes, Emmett stubbornly silent and Luke still trying to process. Finally, Luke got up, turned on a lamp, and made another drink. He brought it back to the bed and offered it to Emmett, then slid back in, lifted Emmett's arm and moved under it, leaning against his chest.
“How long ago?” Luke asked.
“In college.”
“Guys too?” “Some. In college.” Luke suddenly remembered their earlier conversation. “The ones that were...curious about you.”
“Yeah.”
“So who were they?”
Emmett frowned a little, and for a moment Luke thought he wouldn't answer. “You know...” he began finally, hesitantly. “There's, like, a group of these guys in college...”
“I wouldn't know, I never went.”
“Well, there was at PSU. Guys that like guys. They were friendly to me and...I mean, I knew what they were and it didn't bother me. So...then they started making passes.”
“You think it was because you're...”
“I think I was a big, exotic guy to them. There were other men who looked like me, but I was always cordial to these guys so they went after me. You know, I thought we were friends but...”
“But they only wanted one thing.”
“It wasn't just that. They didn't see me as a real person. They'd make this big show of being – afraid of me, or they'd act like I was some kind of tribal god they wanted to worship...”
In the midst of his consternation, Luke found himself suppressing a smile; he kind of knew that feeling. But Emmett wasn't smiling.
“Only they weren't really afraid of me. They didn't really even like me. It was just a game they were playing, you know?”
“But you...fooled around with them?”
“Yeah. That's how I learned what to do. This was long before Clarissa.” Emmett hesitated but Luke just waited, and eventually he went on. “I guess I figured, if they were playing games with me, I could do it back. So, you know, I'd order them around, or make up these crazy rules they had to follow, whatever...just to kind of get back at them.”
“Did you hurt anyone?”
“No, of course not. I mean,” Emmett paused again, then added. “Not on purpose.”
“How many were there?”
“Not that many. Five or six, over the years.”
“So did you...like it?”
“It was a fair trade, I guess. They got what they wanted, and I got what I wanted.” Emmett looked down at Luke. “Listen, I'm not proud of any of this. I – ”
“What kind of things did you make them do?”
“What? Oh...you know, dumb things. Buy me dinner, do my homework...”
“In bed. What did you make them do in bed?”
In the lamplight, Luke could barely make out the dark flush spreading over Emmett's face.
“Come on Luke,” Emmett said, “Don't make me...”
“Please. Tell me.”
“I don't know. Not let them touch me, or not touch themselves...or not let them come. Or make them ask for it. Or kneel, or...”
“And you liked that.”
“What?”
“You said they got what they wanted and you got what you wanted. So I guess you liked it.”
Emmett jumped out of bed, pulling his robe around him, and paced across the floor, avoiding Luke's gaze. “Look, man, it was just dumb college hijinks, it didn't mean anything. Don't make it out like – ”
“It's okay.” A calm had settled over Luke, as though Emmett's increased agitation reduced his own. He got up and went over to put his hands on Emmett's waist. “I'm just tryin' to understand. C'mon back to bed, will you?”
Emmett let Luke lead him to the bed, a little reluctantly. He took off his robe and slid in as Luke turned off the light. In the dark, Luke moved beside him, hands stroking his chest.
“I was tryin' to ask if I could take care of you, since you looked after me.”
“I'm not really in the mood now,” Emmett said.
“I feel like I got you all stressed out, least I could do is help you calm down.”
“You can do that better by letting me go to sleep.”
“If that's what you want.” Luke shifted onto his other side, his back to Emmett's chest, then reached behind to tug Emmett's hand towards him.
Emmett didn't need to be told. He wrapped his arm across Luke's back and pulled him closer. “Night, El.”
“Night, Em.”
Chapter 15
In the morning Luke got up and dressed and talked like nothing had happened, which Emmett was grateful for. He'd never meant to talk about his past that way; it was hard to believe Luke didn't think less of him now. But Luke didn't allude to the previous night's conversation or act any different at all.
Pretty soon everything else was forgotten in the excitement of preparing for the European leg of the tour. Emmett had flown to tournaments once or twice during his college wrestling career, but Luke had never been on a plane before and seemed like a kid looking forward to it.
Although the band was doing well now, financially, Luke didn't want to fly over the full team and all their equipment, so adjustments had to be made. The team was reduced to bare minimum, and they all spent more time together again. It was almost like the early touring days.
Emmett loved walking around the cities he'd heard or read about in his youth: Paris, Rome, Berlin, Amsterdam. He tried to get out every day, and the others often joined him – Ray or Gordon or Leo, or Luke whenever he could get away. They were especially curious to meet European women, who were indeed different from their American counterparts in ways Emmett couldn't exactly define, apart from their accents. Luke and Emmett were too busy investigating these differences to spend many nights with each other.
The shows themselves went well, with very large, warm, receptive audiences. In chatting with people before and after the shows, Emmett gathered that Luke had a dedicated fanbase in most of these countries that had been waiting years for him to make the trip overseas.
Luke got to know these new crowds by trying out different songs and stories and set lists. The European fans were especially enthusiastic about Emmett, and Luke played on their excitement with ever more over the top tributes to him during the introductions: “The handsomest man you ever seen!” “The greatest man that ever walked the earth!” This wasn't completely new, and Emmett had always found it amusing, but the deep bow or drop to one knee that Luke added now, with a sly glance at Emmett, was more disconcerting.
