El & Em, page 23
“I really don't think you should be encouraging him,” Emmett said, laughing, “but sure, I can try that.”
“You think Clarissa'll mind?”
“Why would she care?”
“Has she figured out about us?”
Emmett paused, his eyes hidden behind dark Ray-bans. “I don't know. She's never said anything. She knows we're close.”
The long grass scratched their bare legs, both of them in denim shorts and sneakers. Luke pulled a dead branch off one of the trees near the property line and swung it at some tall weeds. “What about the boys? You think they know?”
“Maybe. I guess they're old enough to start wondering.” Robbie and Walt were teens now, fifteen and thirteen.
“Don't it ever bother you, Em? That you can't share your whole life even with your own family?”
“What does it matter if my kids think you're their stepfather or their fun Uncle Luke?” Emmett, his Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned and loose in the breeze, seemed as unconcerned as always.
For some reason, Luke suddenly found himself infuriated. “How come you never care? Why don't it matter to you that we're always livin' a lie?”
“It's not a lie if they make you lie.”
Luke hurled his stick across the field and walked on, still brooding. “I thought you don't care what people think.”
“I don't, but the world's fucked up, man. We don't need to give people ammunition so they can use it against us.” Emmett slid an arm around Luke's waist and pulled him closer.
“You ever think about...settling down?” Luke asked after a moment.
“What do you mean?”
“Like, what if we stayed in one place for a while. No big tours for a few years. Just makin' a life here in Pennsylvania.”
Emmett didn't respond right away. His black high-tops made heavy impressions in the grass on the trail. “Tours are your decision,” he said finally. “If you don't want to, that's up to you.”
“Ain't you tired of livin’ on the road for years at a time?”
“Not really. Remember, I was settled down – for a long time, while you were out there scrambling around trying to make it. I can see how it feels old to you, but it's still kinda exciting for me.”
Luke felt another stab of irritation. “So you ain't ready to settle down again? You just wanna be out there partyin’ with – ”
“Don't start that again,” Emmett said firmly. “It's got nothing to do with Angela, or anyone else. I'm just saying, we have different histories. But I get how you feel. I mean, I'm forty-one, I probably should stay home more.”
“Well, what about the rest of it? Makin' a life for ourselves here...”
“I don’t know what you mean by that.”
“You know. Home. Family. Kids.”
Emmett let his arm drop from Luke's waist and walked on for a moment without speaking.
“Okay, I get it,” Luke said, ripping a leaf off an overhanging branch and then tearing it apart. “You don't want that with me.”
“It's not that I don't want it.” Emmett grabbed Luke's arm so the torn bits of leaf fell from his hands. “I do, I mean – I would love to have all that with you. But what's the point of wanting something I can't have?”
“Why can't you? I got a nice place here, maybe I can figure out kids...why can't this be our life?”
“Because I can't stay here indefinitely. Look, Luke, you can have all those things – you should have them – but you can't have them with me.”
“Why not?”
“Because it would cost your career.” Emmett stopped walking and pulled Luke around to face him, almost harshly. “If you want a family I won't stand in your way. But I'm not gonna be responsible for destroying everything you've spent your life building.”
“You're saying you'd leave me,” Luke said, blinking rapidly.
“That's the last thing I want to do. But – but – I mean, I think it's possible that we can't spend our whole lives together. I wish it was...but maybe it's not.”
Luke turned away and started heading back toward the house, unwilling to even consider Emmett's line of thinking. “Why's everyone so sure I have to choose between you and my music?” he asked instead.
“Because we know how the world works.”
“I ain't saying I want to come out. We don't need to, like, put out a press release or somethin’. But why can't we just live our lives and not talk about it?”
“Isn't that what we're doing?”
“We could stop hiding it. I could stop bringin’ girls to events and just bring you. You could give up your apartment, tell Clarissa to bring the boys here – ” Luke broke off when he glanced up and saw Emmett's face, mouth set in a grim line.
“You might as well just put out a press release. What are you going to say when people ask if you're gay and sleeping with your horn player?”
“I can just say I don't answer personal questions. Lots of rock stars do that – look at that guy from Queen. Or Lou Reed – he’s American. You ever hear him when people ask if he's – ”
“Luke,” Emmett cut in tensely, like he was running out of patience. “You can do what you want with your career, you're in charge of that. Quit touring, I'm not even complaining about it. But I think you should ask Jerry before you go off and do something stupid. And maybe look up how much Billie Jean King lost when people found out about her. Now c'mon, lets go inside and start dinner.”
That night, as they took their after-dinner drinks into the living room and settled down to watch the Discovery launch on CNN, Emmett pulled Luke into his lap and kissed his forehead.
“Listen, man,” he said. “I'm sorry for what I said this afternoon. I don't want you to feel like I'm threatening to leave or something. I want to spend my life with you, I'd love it if we could settle down together.” He gathered Luke into his arms and kissed him again, on the mouth this time. “And I hope you can get what you want. I just...don't want either of us to sacrifice our careers for something that doesn't matter to me.”
It matters to me. Luke heard the words in his head, but in the moment all he could do was wrap his arms around Emmett and kiss him back.
A couple of days later he did ask Jerry, as vaguely as he could, what would happen if, hypothetically, it came out that he was in a relationship with another man. Jerry gave a long-suffering sigh and said, “Just give me a few weeks' notice first so I can find myself some other line of work. You won't need me anymore.”
That didn't help. When José happened to call soon afterward, Luke couldn't resist asking him about the impact of being out on his working life. While José said things were better now than they had been when he was young, his blunt description of the difficulties he still faced took Luke by surprise.
“Especially now,” José said, “losing so many friends to AIDS, and all the fear and panic about it. Straight people don't wanna come near me, they're afraid to touch anything I touch. We're like pariahs. I think it's worse now than it was in the ’70s.”
Disheartened, Luke tried to put the whole question out of his mind again. The following week Emmett brought Robbie and Walt out to the farmhouse, and the four of them spent two days jamming, hanging out in the pool, and playing touch football in one of the back fields. By the end of it, Luke's frustration was back. No matter what Emmett said, he knew in his heart that whether the boys thought of him as their dad's buddy or their step-dad made a difference to him.
Chapter 22
By early spring of 1985, Luke had the new album mostly wrapped up. This one was bleaker, darker and more introspective than his previous records. When Emmett listened to the near-final tracks, he looked concerned, but Luke assured him it was just a way of getting his feelings out. Eddie and Emmett both helped with production again, Emmett acting as chief engineer.
They had Forge booked for final review and track listing but at the last minute, Eddie and, inexplicably, Emmett didn't show up. Jenny had just had her first baby so Luke understood that Eddie was needed at home, but Emmett? He'd just left a message at the studio saying something came up and he'd see Luke at home later.
“He's been like this a lot lately,” Luke said moodily, looking down at his beer. “Something's always comin' up.”
“I'm sure it was important,” Laura soothed. “I wish I could help.”
Luke had invited Jerry and Laura to the session as well. Jerry went home once Luke gave up on getting anything done, but Laura joined Luke at a nearby tavern where he could drown his vexations.
“You do help. But – but I need his input before I finalize anything. I don't know what's such a big deal that ...”
“It's okay, we have the studio tomorrow too. I'm sure you can finish everything then.”
“That ain't exactly the point.” Luke downed his beer and called for another one. “Sometimes I feel like...” He paused.
“What? You feel like what?”
Laura was a good listener, and always discreet. “Like we ain't always on the same page.”
“You mean...musically?”
“Naw, not that, he's always on board with the music. More like – personally.”
“How do you mean?” Laura coaxed. Her hair had settled down to something closer to normal now, and she wore a long, loose skirt that looked a lot more comfortable.
“You know, I...” Luke paused again, trying to marshal his thoughts coherently after the four or five drinks he'd already polished off. “I like to – to be honest with the fans. I mean, I like to think I got a bit of, you know, personal integrity.”
“Sure, I think most people would say you do.”
“Well, Em – he, he don't think we owe anyone anything. He thinks it's fine to just – not be so honest.” Luke waved a hand vaguely. It occurred to him that if she asked what they weren't being honest about he'd have a hard time explaining, but she had too much tact to ask.
“I think Emmett sees the world his own way,” Laura said thoughtfully. “Different from us.”
“He don't care about having a family like we do, he's already got one.” Between the sympathy and the alcohol, Luke found it easy to keep talking; the hard part was not getting emotional. “He's already done the settling down thing.”
“He's just at a different point in his life, I guess.”
“He'd rather just keep touring and fucking Angela so he can be a big deal...”
“Well, touring is his livelihood, right? That's where he makes his money.”
“What does he need money for? I got plenty.” Luke spoke irritably, and then stopped as it occurred to him he might be saying too much. “Anyway, anyway,” he said, floundering to change the subject. “He loves me, that's what counts.”
“Well, you're very loveable.” Laura laughed, then stopped and reached across the table to grasp his forearm earnestly. “Listen, Luke. I know how it feels. I hope you get what you want.”
Something in the way she said it made Luke realize it was time to wrap up their conversation. Laura found his driver for him, and he headed back to the farmhouse.
At home, Luke found Emmett pacing the living room, wearing a black turtleneck under a pale blue, oversized sportscoat, as though he’d been dealing with something serious.
“What happened? Why didn't you show up?” Luke asked. He could hear the aggression in his voice but, after all, this was his work. Emmett was supposed to do what he said.
“I'm sorry, Luke. I had to go deal with something. Look, would you sit down? How'd it go?”
“It didn't. We put it off till tomorrow. Hopefully you'll deign to join us then.”
“I should be able to. Here – ” Emmett handed Luke a whiskey and soda, and motioned toward the couch. “Have a seat. We need to talk.”
Luke started to say he'd had enough already, but when he heard the last words, he tossed the drink back and sat, bracing himself.
“Here's the thing.” Emmett took the armchair across from him and leaned forward, arms on his knees. He took a breath and continued. “Angela's pregnant.”
“What?” Luke stared. “How'd that – wait. Are you saying...it's yours?”
“We think so.” Emmett sat quite still in his chair. “She'll do a test when the baby's born but there's only a couple of possibilities and...well, we had an accident around the right time.”
Luke looked into his empty glass and wished it was full. “So...she's having the kid?” he asked sullenly. Emmett would be a father again while he still couldn't figure out how to have a child of his own.
“Yes. She's having it. It's going to be – ”
“That's why you bailed out on me today? You had to go see Angela?”
“Yes. Look, it's not going to be easy for her. She's going to be taking care of a baby and still trying to keep her career going. I have to be able to support her – ”
“Okay. I get it. You got to be there for her. I suppose you'll have to miss a few – ”
“Luke. I'm marrying her.”
“What?”
Emmett slid quickly off his chair and onto the couch beside Luke. But when he reached over, Luke wrenched himself away and sprang up to his feet.
“It doesn't change anything, Lukey. My feelings for you are exactly the same. She knows it's only a temporary thing. It's just to give her some cover, so she doesn't start out as a single mom. I'll get her a place and give her some financial support and...”
“You don't have to marry her to do that.” Luke threw his back against the living room wall, as though trying to get away far away from Emmett’s words. “What do you mean it don't change anything?”
“She just wants the baby to have an official family. I'll be around enough to keep up appearances, that's all. We should be able to afford a nanny or something, and she'll go back to work. After a few years we'll get a divorce. That's it, Luke.”
“That's it? What do you mean, that's it?” Luke drew in a panting breath, wishing he could focus his thoughts. “That's everything! That's – that's your whole fucking life!”
“No it's not. C'mon, man, don't be so dramatic. Will you come back over here and...”
“No. You won't even – even tell your kids who I am but you're going to marry this chick? And you think it's no big deal?”
Emmett leaned forward on the couch and looked up at Luke imploringly. “Please try and understand, Luke. I know it's upsetting – ”
“Upsetting?” Luke looked around for something to hit or throw, but there was nothing nearby. He imagined throwing his fists against Emmett's solid chest and wondered if Emmett would even feel them. Sometimes it felt like nothing Luke said or did made any impression on him at all.
“I'm really sorry,” Emmett went on, still earnest. “It's not what I wanted, and I know it's not fair to you. It was an accident, but it happened and I – I just want to do the right thing.”
“Why can't you do the right thing for me?”
Emmett’s face seemed to soften further into sorrow and regret. “I want to, Luke. I try every day but I don't always know what that is.”
Something in the way Emmett spoke finally drained the fury out of Luke, leaving him limp and exhausted. He slid down the wall to the floor, drawing up his knees and covering his face with his arms. After a moment he felt Emmett beside him and didn't have the strength to move away this time.
“It's just...hard,” Luke said at last, his voice low and muffled. “Those things you're giving her – why don't I get them?”
“I wish you could have everything you want, Luke. But those things are just for appearances. They aren't ...they don't show what's in my heart.”
After a long moment, Luke raised his head, his eyes swollen but dry now. “That don't make it any easier.”
Emmett reached for him again, and this time Luke let himself be lifted from the floor and carried to the couch. Even now, he felt safer and somehow comforted while he was wrapped in Emmett’s arms, but tonight he noticed that Emmett’s breath came heavily, as though holding all of Luke's weight wasn't as effortless for him as it had once been.
They agreed that the wedding would be in late September, just before the baby was due, so Emmett could stay with Luke for as long as possible. When the album released in mid-summer, Luke began planning another tour to support it – a little shorter than the previous ones, but still playing the largest stadiums and coliseums. It would start in November and last till the following June, with almost a month off over the holidays. Band rehearsals were planned around Emmett's schedule, starting in August and running until the wedding, with refreshers in October or early November, after the baby's arrival.
Luke wasn't inclined to spread the news about Emmett's upcoming marriage himself, so most people first heard about it from the media. It was hard not to feel embarrassed, almost humiliated, when he started getting calls from friends and people on his team – surprised, curious, or sympathetic. The next time he saw Eddie, he got a big supportive hug; Laura squeezed his arm compassionately when they met. Luke wanted to snap that this wasn't a break-up; he hadn't lost his partner; he didn't need condolences. But even that was more than he was supposed to say. All he could do was play it cool, talk about how happy he was for his friend, and fall into Emmett's arms as soon as they were alone.
During this time Emmett was kinder, gentler and more patient than ever – the exact opposite, Luke often thought, of what would have actually helped. He didn't have the heart to complain, and it seemed pointless anyway since they only had a few months left together, despite Emmett's protestations that nothing would change after his marriage. So Luke slowly stopped asking for instructions or permissions, and Emmett barely seemed to notice that he was no longer in control.
Luke had only met Angela briefly up till now, which was how he liked it. But as band rehearsals began in August, wedding preparations were also ramping up, which apparently required Angela to consult endlessly with Emmett. Often Luke found himself picking up the phone at home and having to make conversation with her while he waited for Emmett to pick up an extension somewhere. He did his best to remain cordial, but some days it felt like the last in a long series of indignities grinding on his nerves.
