El & Em, page 25
Emmett showed him articles speculating that Laura was the reason for Luke's hasty separation from Lexi, which had of course leaked out by now. Luke disliked this line of conjecture though Laura didn't seem to mind, and Emmett wholly approved. In defiance, Luke would sometimes stand beside Emmett in the middle of the stage and turn to kiss his mouth for no other reason than because he wanted to. But whatever he onstage only seemed to generate public commentary about his deep platonic love for Emmett, while increasing the rumours about Laura.
Some spark of Emmett's previous fire seemed to reignite in response to Luke's, and he decreed that if Luke wanted attention after the show, he would have to ask for it during; so Luke began whispering explicit requests into Emmett's ear between songs or when they were a safe distance away from his microphone. After the show, they'd hastily retreat to Emmett's room with only the barest attempts at covering their tracks. By the time they arrived back in the U.S. for the last few shows before the tour ended in June, Luke knew something had to be done. He'd been turning things over in his mind for a long time and now he'd reached a decision.
“Listen, Em,” he said over breakfast, the first morning when neither of them had anywhere to be. “I been thinking.”
It was early, and the “Do Not Disturb” sign still hung on Emmett's hotel room door. None of the assistants or other assorted attendants had shown up yet, and wouldn't until the sign was removed. Luke went over to the phone, picked up the receiver and set it down on the desk, to prevent any calls.
Emmett watched him from the table where they'd been eating. “I guess this is serious.”
“Real serious,” Luke agreed, returning to join him at the table. “I decided I'm ready.”
Emmett put down his fork and braced himself visibly. “Ready for what?”
“To go public. And – ” Luke added, cutting Emmett off before he could protest, “give up my career if that's what it means.”
“What?” Emmett almost laughed in disbelief. “That's crazy.”
“No it ain't.”
“Well, it is. First of all, you'd never do that. And second, you know damn well I'd never let you do it for me. So I don't know what you think – ”
“Not for you. For me. For both of us, I hope.”
Emmett waved a hand impatiently with his fork, resuming his breakfast. “Call it whatever you want, but you know I'm never going to agree so – ”
“It ain't your choice, Em. It's mine. We always agreed that I'm in charge of my career.”
“This isn't just about your career. It's about our lives, both of ours. I have a say in that.”
“Yeah, that's true. But all you ever say is – it'd be bad for my career. Which is up to me. And I'm ready to give it up.”
“All of it? The fans and the fame and the money...the sold-out stadiums, the...?”
“All of it,” Luke said firmly. “If I have to. Look, there ain't nothin’ – nothin’ else I can do that's better than what I already done. Remember that night in Rome? Nothin’s ever going to beat that. I already had everything, so what do I care if I lose it now?”
“What do you care?” Emmett repeated, giving him an oddly distant look, as though seeing him through some kind of filter. “Luke...what do you think happens if – I mean, what are you suggesting you'd do?”
“Well.” Luke paused to marshal his thoughts, a bit surprised to be at this point already. He'd expected Emmett to put up more of a fight. “I figure you're right that we can't just avoid talkin' about it, so best to put out a statement or whatever. I mean, first of all you're gonna have to talk to Angela...”
“Never mind that. You want to put out a press release saying – what? You're bisexual? You're living with a man?”
“I think it should be from both of us. That we're partners.”
Emmett seemed to be holding himself back. “All right. What do you think happens next?”
“Well, I'm sure there's a big shitstorm. Probably some – some stories about it on the news or whatever, and some assholes – y'know, burn my records or somethin’. But you and me, we can settle down at the farmhouse – or, I don't care, we can get a new place if you want – ”
“But what are you going to do? Are you – never gonna write music again?”
“Of course I'm gonna write music, I can't stop. But I get it, I ain't gonna sell as many records –”
“You aren't gonna release any records. The label's just going to drop you.”
“They got a contract with me. Nothin’ they can – ”
“For how many more records?”
“Well, just one left, but – ”
“They'll bury the last record – put it out, wash their hands. No publicity, no singles, no airplay, no tour. No new contract. Then what?”
“I don't care, Em. So I ain't got a contract, I'll get another. Just like I did when I was twenty-two, walkin’ in to some company and playin’ my songs – ”
“But it's not just like that. Back then you were unknown. Now everyone knows everything about you.”
Luke pushed back his chair irritably and stood up. “Stop tryin' to scare me, it ain't gonna work,” he said, pacing in a circle around the room. “I got thousands – hundreds of thousands of fans, I ain't gonna lose ’em all. Lots maybe, but there's still gonna be some people who don't care and just like the music. Maybe it won't be like it was before, maybe the deal is way smaller, but some company somewhere is gonna sign me. And if they don't – I got money, I'll start my own label.”
“So you want to go from selling out stadiums to playing coffee houses and college bars for fifty bucks a night?”
“If that's what I have to do for us to be together – then yes!” Luke threw the chair aside and slammed his hands down on the table. “I did it before, I'll do it again. It seems like you're the one – ”
“And the rest of the band?” Emmett interrupted. “Are you gonna split it five ways, ten bucks each? Are they gonna work for that?”
For the first time, Luke hesitated. “No,” he said after a moment. “They ain't gonna work for that. But it don't matter, they can all find other work. Every one of ’em is top of their class, any band'll be happy to hire ’em.”
“And me? Who's gonna hire me?”
“Why wouldn't – ”
“You think any rock band's gonna hire me after we put out our statement? The man sleeping with Luke Clarkston, the man who destroyed your career? They'll be afraid to come near me in case they get AIDS.”
“Em, you're being...”
“Maybe I could get a job with Little Richard. If he can afford to pay anyone these days.”
“Okay, so I'll hire you myself.”
“And I'll live on twenty-five bucks a gig?” Emmett lifted an eyebrow. He swallowed a forkful of eggs and shook his head. “I know you have other income, Luke, but I don't.”
“I got enough money to pay you whatever you want! I can give you what you're making now – ”
“You're just gonna give me your own money and call it a salary? So I'd basically be your kept man? Do you think I'd ever agree to that?”
“Look...” Luke pulled the chair back and sat down slowly. “I – I know it ain't gonna be easy. But I'm willing to give up everything and start over again, can't you take a chance with me too?”
“Man, Luke. It was a one in a million chance for me to get where I am today. You want me to throw that away so I can start over and hope for another one in a million chance?”
“It ain't luck that got me where I am now.”
Emmet gave him an odd smile. “Maybe not for you.”
“I mean, I work hard and I got talent – that's how I did it last time. I can do it again if I have to – so can you.”
“Yeah, you might get a second chance.”
“Why not? The world ain't all bad, Em. You just got to have faith.”
“I have faith – in you. But I don't think that's gonna support me and my kids and my family and everyone else counting on me – while we both try to start all over.”
Luke's frustration was building again. He shoved away Emmett’s plate away to stop him from eating. “You have too much pride to let me help –”
“I'm not gonna be dependent on you.”
“You're already dependent on me!” The words burst out before Luke could stop himself. He froze, aghast, then quickly grasped Emmett's arm. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.”
Emmett sat unmoving for a moment before smiling slightly, unfazed. “You're right,” he said. “I mean, I do work for you. But at least right now I could find other work if I had to.”
“I'm sorry, Em,” Luke said, his hand still on Emmett’s arm. He felt overwhelmed and emotional, close to tears. “You know I don't think of you like a – like an employee.”
Emmett covered Luke's hand with one of his own. “It's okay. I mean, I worked for plenty of other guys before you. They all treated me like the hired help. With you I'm like the guest of honour. I'm happy to work for you.”
In another moment Luke was in Emmett's lap, buried against his chest. Emmett stroked Luke's hair and back and whispered in his ear until Luke regained his composure.
“What are we gonna do, Em?” Luke asked finally, laying his wet cheek against Emmett's shoulder. “What are we gonna do?”
Emmett looked down at him sorrowfully. “I can...think about what you suggested,” he said finally, without conviction.
“Because I can't go on this way. I can't. We gotta do something.”
“I know, Lukey. I know.”
“I feel like...he just ain't got enough faith, you know?”
“I'm sure he has faith in you.”
Laura and Luke were drinking together again; it was Emmett's night for checking in with his kids.
“But not enough though. Not enough.”
“Why do you need him to...” Laura twisted a strand of hair, hesitating, always careful not to pry too hard.
“Because I'm ready to take a chance – I'm willing to risk it – but he's always been so cautious.”
Laura looked at Luke quizzically. “I always thought he was just careful. You know, he feels responsible for – ”
“He don't always need to be responsible,” Luke frowned. “He could take a chance once in a while, like I do.”
“Well...” Laura paused, holding her beer for a moment thoughtfully. “Maybe it's easier for some people to take chances than – ”
“Listen, Laur – I'm tired of not getting what I want most.”
“Yeah, I know that feeling. I've about given up on finding what I want too.”
For a moment they were both silent, Luke sliding his glass around the table in restless dissatisfaction.
Finally, Laura spoke again, hesitantly. “I'm starting to think that maybe...getting part of what I want is better than nothing.”
“I'm starting to think that too,” Luke said moodily.
“I mean, maybe I don't have the perfect guy, the one who loves me back – ” Laura shot Luke a quick glance, then looked away. “But I feel like I could make a good life with someone I love even if...even if they didn't feel exactly the same way.”
Luke started to nod vaguely, then stopped. It suddenly occurred to him that he understood what Laura was saying for the first time.
“Don't get me wrong,” she went on quickly. “I want you to be happy. I've always been rooting for you. But if you're giving up on what you want most...well, I'm just thinking, maybe something is better than nothing.”
“Laura...”
Laura was flushing slightly; her green eyes glistened. She pushed her glass away nervously and stood up in a quick movement. “I hope you work everything out, Luke,” she said. For a moment she seemed to want to add something else, then she gave him a small smile and a wave and left.
For the last few weeks of the tour, Luke and Emmett returned to their conversation multiple times, never finding a way through the difficulties, never coming up with a solution that worked for both of them. Emmett would suggest waiting a few more years, till Angela was independent again, till the boys were grown up, till Luke's career reached a lull. Luke would complain that he couldn't hold on that long, that Emmett was hoping for his career to fail, that Emmett didn't have faith in him. The discussions went round and round, both of them repeating the same points, the same arguments and complaints and suggestions, till they knew each other's words by heart and didn't need to say them any more; then the conversations slowed down and stopped and finally they gave up talking altogether.
After that Luke still joined Emmett in his room at night, and Emmett still pinned Luke down on the bed till he was helpless and desperate, they just didn't say much any more. Some nights Luke fought back, aching for Emmett to hold him harder, but Emmett would only loosen his grip and eventually let Luke go.
Part IV
Chapter 24
Emmett got the call in London. He'd been hired for a recording session with a big-name singer in the UK shortly after the tour ended. He left Angela and Mary-Ann at home and flew over a couple of days later, so he was alone in his hotel room when the phone rang.
“Hey, Em,” Luke said, his voice tired and strained.
Emmett knew something was up immediately. “Hi,” he said quietly, and waited.
“I wanted to let you know first. It's over, brother. I've decided not to work with the band anymore.”
“What?” Emmett stared dumbly at the phone. “What – what band?”
“You guys. The B-Sides.” Luke stopped, as though he knew Emmett would need a moment to take this in.
“Like – ever?”
“Indefinitely.” Luke went on briskly, like he was reading from a script. “If you check your contract, you'll see there’s a clause that allows for this. You'll get your final statement from the last tour in a couple days, and there's gonna be a little bonus with the payments. I'm telling the rest of the guys right after I finish with you...”
“Luke – ”
“...And Jerry'll put out a public statement for everyone. Let him know if you want to see it in advance.”
“Luke...” Emmett said again, faintly, and couldn't manage anything else.
There was a short pause, and then a tiny hitch in Luke's voice. “I'm sorry, Em. I love you.”
Before Emmett could recover, Luke hung up, and Emmett was left staring blindly at the receiver. He dropped the phone and stood motionless for several minutes, then reached out and started to dial Luke's number. This couldn't be real; surely he just needed to speak to Luke again. But he stopped himself, and sat down heavily on the bed instead.
After what might have been an hour of sitting there, turning things over in his mind, Emmett picked the phone back up and called Gordie.
“Yeah, I got the same news,” Gordon said, half bitter, half resigned. “I guess we all knew that gravy train wouldn’t last for ever.” He caught himself abruptly, and went on in a different tone. “But I'm sorry, man. I know you two were tight.”
Emmett understood it was real then. As he recovered from his initial shock and disbelief, he thought he really shouldn't have been so surprised. Hadn't he always predicted something like this? And hadn't Luke said they couldn't go on as they were? In a way, this was the best possible outcome – Luke still had his public image intact, and Emmett would have no trouble finding other work. He just hadn't expected it to happen quite this way.
No one seemed to know anything at the recording session in London the next day, but by the time Emmett stepped off the plane in Philadelphia a few days later, Jerry's press release had obviously done its work. The demise of the B-Sides was public knowledge.
Back at their apartment, Angela was sympathetic and supportive. The phone rang constantly, and Emmett spent the next few days taking calls from Clarissa and the boys, his parents, his siblings, his employees, friends, relatives, associates – all wanting to know what had happened, what was going to happen, what it meant for him and for them. Between the other conversations, Emmett spoke to his manager, Kaye, often. He knew fame would only last a short while once he was out of the public eye; he needed to move quickly to parlay his current status into more work before it was too late. Kaye lined up a few guest spots for him in other bands and some session work over the next few weeks, and started spreading the word that Emmett might be open to other gigs. In the meantime, Emmett regretfully told Diane he'd have to let her go, at least for now, and had a few similar conversations with other employees and associates as well.
A couple of days later Kaye called again, and this time her voice sounded strangely taut, as though she were holding herself in. “Have you checked out this statement yet?” she asked.
“What, from the last tour? No, I haven't seen it – why?”
“Well, they added something extra – they're calling it an exit bonus.”
“Oh yeah, Luke mentioned something about that.” Emmett leaned forward in his chair, remembering that brief conversation and then trying to forget it again. “Why, how much is it?”
“It's a million dollars.”
For a moment Emmett couldn't speak; his mouth opened but no words came out. “What?” he said finally.
“One mill. You didn't know?”
“No. I had no – are you sure that's just the bonus, not some – some extra payment from the tour?”
“No, Em, it's right there on the statement, Exit Bonus. There's nothing in the contract about this, it's just – goodwill or something.”
A sudden fear gripped Emmett. He let Kaye go and called Gordon immediately – then Leo, then Pete. It wasn't till he'd spoken to all three of them that he could breathe again. They'd all received exactly the same amount; he hadn't been given some kind of special treatment.
Finally, Emmett sat back with a drink and thought things through. That extra money would go a long way to take the heat off him in the short term; he'd be able to keep up with his expenses while he figured out his next steps. With the immediate financial pressure lifted, he could afford to let his mind wander. The bonus was a very generous gesture – even from someone who'd taken away the livelihood of five people in the blink of an eye. Five people? That was only the band. What about Ray and Mark and José, Janie and Diane, the roadie crew and security and...It was amazing, really, how much Luke had been responsible for. He'd probably given payouts to all of them. He must have agonized over this.
