El & Em, page 26
Emmett looked at the phone. He hadn't made any attempt to call Luke since he got the news. After all, he understood what Luke was doing and why, and he hadn't wanted to interfere or make it any more difficult than it must already be, for everyone. But surely he could still talk to his friend. Didn't he at least owe Luke a thanks for the bonus? He picked up the phone and dialled Luke's number.
It was out of service.
Had he dialled wrong? He called again, the main line at the farmhouse where they'd lived together so comfortably just last year. But no, that number was definitely out of service.
Emmett stared at the phone, perplexed. Of course, he could hunt Luke down if he needed to. But...what was going on?
It was a week or so before he found out. Jerry put out another public statement, and Emmett read it in the paper like everyone else. Luke had sold the Pennsylvania property, married Laura, and moved to Seattle.
Emmett told himself he'd always known his time with Luke was limited, that it had an end date, it couldn't last forever. In some ways, that decade of joy had just been a respite from the mundane reality of life, which he understood required sacrifice and compromise and obligation. He'd been there before, and now he was here again.
It took some time, maybe a year or so, but eventually he was able to wake up each morning without an aching reminder that the idyll was over and real life had resumed. In fact, he couldn't really complain – his new life was a big improvement over the one he'd given up so long ago, the one with the 9-to-5 job, the constant scramble to support a family, and the struggle to fit music in at all.
With the financial cushion of that exit bonus, Emmett had been able to take his time and slowly rebuild a life that gave him satisfaction, even enjoyment. At first, he'd worked sporadically, playing with a few different bands, accepting some session gigs, and collaborating with a handful of musicians he admired. Just around the time he thought he should find something steadier, he'd heard that Forge – the studio where he'd worked on so many albums with Luke – was up for sale. After careful discussion with his accountant, Emmett invested his bonus funds, along with his own small savings, into buying it.
The property included not just the studio but a bit of land and a house next door – across the field where he'd once pitched Clarissa's tent – so he couldn't afford to buy it outright, but with a reasonable mortgage and regular income, it would be all his in a few years. And in the meantime, he had a place to live and a built-in job.
Emmett had always liked the production side of recording; he'd done a lot of it on Luke's records and been pretty successful. Now he had the opportunity to hone his skills, first alongside the in-house engineer and other producers, and then on his own. Before long, the bands and artists that booked his studio were hiring him to produce their albums, and record companies sent acts over specifically to work with him. Emmett invested carefully into the studio to ensure it remained state-of-the-art, and over time he and Forge, collectively, grew to be one of the most respected production services in the industry.
It was a good living. Emmett liked the job and enjoyed working with so many other musicians. After a while he put together a small band of his own – a casual jazz and soul ensemble called the Mountain Tops that played together for fun and picked up a few gigs locally or in nearby towns. The band was nothing serious, but it was his own – for the first time he was the leader, not a journeyman musician.
In fact, between Forge and the Mountain Tops, Emmett was now his own boss for the first time in his life. Managing his new empires, he often found himself remembering lessons he'd learned from Luke and Jerry in those early days with the band, or even later when Luke would talk about his daily business dealings. He missed life with the B-Sides, but being in control of his own destiny was a novel and exciting experience.
Angela and Mary-Ann moved with him into the house beside Forge. It was bigger than their previous apartment, with an extra room for the boys when they visited, and green grass outside where Mary-Ann could run around once she started walking. They had to hire a day-time nanny since Emmett and Angela both worked outside the home, but Emmett found life as a father very different this time around.
When Robbie and Walt were babies, he'd been working long hours and Clarissa had done most of the child-raising. With Mary-Ann, Angela picked up work again as soon as she could, and it often kept her away from home for long hours, while Emmett was usually right next door at the studio. Then, when Angela's career took off and she started accepting positions out of town, Emmett often became the sole parent as soon as the nanny went home in the afternoon. He had to learn a whole new set of skills, and sometimes he wondered if he was too old for the job, but when he thought back on everything he'd missed as Walt and Robbie were growing up – while he'd been at work or out on tour – he wouldn't have traded this life with his lively, adventurous daughter for anything.
His parents came out to visit when they could, and were very taken with his beautiful wife and daughter, his new home and business. His mama told him approvingly that he did right by quitting the vagabond musician's life and settling down at home with his lovely family. But whenever she asked about “that nice boy Luke,” she would pat Emmett's hand and sigh with what seemed to be a kind of forlorn sympathy.
Of course, Luke was never far from Emmett's mind. At night he’d lie awake in bed, thinking about the way things had turned out. It was funny to remember everything he'd done – everything he'd refused to do – to protect Luke's career and the band...when in the end they both seemed to have been lost anyway. He wouldn't have the life and business he had now if they'd gone public the way Luke wanted to – no one would be working with him now. But maybe he’d still have Luke.
It was hard not to keep re-thinking the past. Emmett always returned in his mind to that day when Luke proposed giving up everything to be together. He knew he'd let Luke down then, that Luke saw him as lacking faith. And it was true – he didn't have Luke's total conviction that he could do anything, get whatever he wanted in the world. Somehow, he'd been unable to explain to Luke why things seemed so different to him.
The band was gone either way. As for Luke's career, that remained to be seen. He'd released one solo album, with decent reviews and respectable sales, and was said to be working on another, way out there on the west coast. His new music was quieter, more thoughtful and introspective, than what he’d made with the B-Sides. He didn't tour extensively and hadn't formed a new band, but apparently put together a small group of musicians for occasional public appearances. Gordon had been invited to work on the second album; Luke flew him out to Seattle for a couple of days. Luke seemed good, Gordie said afterward; being a father seemed to suit him.
Emmett always watched when Luke was on TV. He thought Luke looked a little awkward these days – a tiny bit less sure of himself, sort of like he was in those early days when Emmett first met him, but without the youthful brashness and energy. His wardrobe had evolved into an odd mix of east and west coast styles; he started to lose his distinctive Philly accent and adopt a more standard, slightly erudite voice in interviews and talks. Emmett thought Luke hadn't quite decided what he wanted to be in his new life yet.
The hardest part to accept was not being in charge of Luke's protection and well-being anymore – knowing that someone else had that job. Did Luke love Laura now, the way he used to love Emmett? Had he moved on, had his affections fully transferred? Surely Laura loved Luke as much as he did. And unlike Emmett, she could give Luke all the things he most wanted – a family, kids, a home, a life in the open.
In 1988, when Mary-Ann was three, Angela accepted a regular role as a backup dancer with an act based in Las Vegas. It was a big break for her, and Emmett encouraged her to take it. But he didn't want to move to Vegas. His business, his life, his family – everything was here on the east coast. Except Luke, of course, but Emmett couldn't pretend Luke was part of his life anymore. He and Angela had a long, honest discussion and ultimately decided it was time to separate. Angela no longer needed Emmett's help or cover; his job was done. They worked out the arrangements very amicably, and when Angela got on the plane for Las Vegas, Mary-Ann stayed home with Emmett for the first few months.
In the days and weeks after Angela left, Emmett found himself thinking about Luke even more than before. Hadn't he always promised Luke they'd separate and he'd be free again? He wondered what might have happened if Luke had been able to wait this out. Would it have made any difference? The question nagged at him a little and gave him a sense of unfinished business, though he knew that, realistically, none of it mattered now.
He thought again about calling Luke. They hadn't spoken since that fateful night when he was in London. Luke had made no attempt to reach him, not even to provide a new phone number. Of course, Emmett understood why; he understood Luke needed a clean break to be able to forge his new life. Emmett's last and final duty had been to let Luke go as easily and painlessly as he could.
But two years had passed; they'd both moved on. Was he never to speak to Luke again? Surely there had to come a point when they would resume their platonic friendship, though the romantic one was gone. Emmett would take Luke either way.
He mulled it over for a couple of days, then got Luke's new number from Jerry. That night, after he put Mary-Ann to bed, Emmett poured himself a whiskey and soda, settled himself in his favourite easy chair, and dialled the number.
The voice that answered was neither Luke's nor Laura's; presumably it was someone on staff. Emmett asked for Luke without introducing himself. After a long pause he heard Luke's voice – still familiar, though slightly altered.
“Hello.” Luke sounded curious but not wary; perhaps staff usually identified callers for him.
“Luke. It's me,” Emmett said, trying to sound calmer than he felt; then he clarified quickly, “Emmett.”
He heard Luke take in his breath. There was a short pause, and Emmett wondered if he'd made a mistake.
“Em,” Luke said at last. “What's up? Is something – ?”
Of course; Luke must think there was a reason for Emmett to contact him out of the blue like this. Emmett rushed to reassure him. “I'm fine. Nothing's wrong, everyone's fine. I just – wanted to say hi. Is that okay?”
Luke let out his breath quickly. “Oh, good. Uh – of course, it's fine. How are you?”
Emmett leaned his head back against the chair and shut his eyes. He wished he could just listen to Luke's voice. “I'm good. How about you?”
“I'm good, fine.” Luke spoke quickly, like he did when he was thinking ahead. “I – I'm glad you called. Listen, Em, I'm so sorry for – how I handled things. I know I – ”
“No, it's okay. Really, it's fine. Don't apologize, man. In fact, I owe you a thank you. That bonus was very generous, I really appreciated it...”
“It's nothing,” Luke said, sounding embarrassed. “Least I could do. Hey, I heard you bought Forge – congratulations.”
“Thanks, man. And congratulations to you on your – is it two kids now?”
“Yeah, two – girl and a boy, they're great, thanks, man.”
“How’s Laura?”
“Oh, she’s good, busy with her own music, you know...”
Emmett paused, blinking at the receiver in his hand. There was so much more to talk about, but so little he could say. “I, um...I just got separated. Angela, she moved out to Vegas but I'm still here in Philly. We're getting divorced now – just like I said.”
Luke didn't speak right away, and Emmett squeezed his eyes shut, cursing himself mentally; this was absurd.
“Yeah, that's, um...” Luke took a long breath. “Em, you know, it's – it's too late, I can't – ”
“I know, I know – of course. I just – wanted to tell you. Because I always said I would. But it doesn't matter now, I know.”
“Em...”
“It's okay, Luke. Listen, I just wanted to say hi, see how you're doing. I'm – I'm glad things are going so well for you.”
Luke's laugh was slightly shaky. “Well, I'm not sure how well, I mean musically. We'll see what happens with the next record. But yeah, we're all good here. I'm glad you're doing okay too.”
“Yeah. I mean – I miss you though. I was hoping...” Emmett paused again, and thought about the unsteadiness, the slight cracks, in Luke's voice. “But maybe it's better we don't talk for a bit, huh?”
A faint sigh slipped through the line. “I wish we could – but – ”
“It's okay. We don't need to. But Luke – just – don't make me go through someone else to track down your phone number next time, okay?”
This time Luke's chuckle was real. “Of course. Sorry about that. Here, let me give you my personal number, this one's kinda the work line, guess you got it from Jerry. Ready? It's...”
Emmett wrote the number down, circled it, and added a big L. “Thanks, man. I won't use it unless I have to.”
“If you ever need anything, just let me know. I love you, Em.”
“You too, El.”
After he hung up, Emmett felt strangely at peace. He didn't call Luke again, but he put the piece of paper with the phone number away in a small drawer in the desk in his study, and knowing it was there always made him feel better.
He still thought about Luke at night, but he no longer wondered what might have been. This was his life now, and he guessed he was okay with it. For the first time he didn’t have anyone else to answer to. For so many years, he’d tried to meet other people’s expectations – his mother’s at first, then Clarissa’s, most recently Angela’s, and, for so many years, Luke’s. Now it was up to Emmett alone to forge the life he wanted. People might think he was alone and lonely, but he filled his world with music, family and friends, his craft and his business. He had no reason to date again – there was nothing to hide anymore, and Luke would always own his heart. He'd just rattle around in this house, with Mary-Ann when it was her turn to stay with him, until she left or he died, whichever came first.
Chapter 25
Luke and Laura had one long discussion before he made his decision, and then never really spoke about it again. Laura's bottom line was simple: she wanted a real partner and a real family, not a public relations exercise. Other than that, she put no rules or restrictions on Luke; she just trusted him. So it wasn't because of her that Luke cut off contact with Emmett; no, he made that choice himself.
He suggested relocating and she had no objection. He picked Seattle not only for the distance – whatever that was worth, when he was rich enough to charter a plane any time of the day or night and be with Emmett in a matter of hours – but because he'd heard that interesting music was coming from the area and thought it might be inspiring or at least distracting. The other option was Austin, and Luke didn't see himself living in Texas.
Being a father turned out to be everything Luke had hoped for. Laura must have conceived on one of their very first tries, because Julia was born in March of 1987. By then Laura was thirty-six and afraid to wait any longer, so Jason arrived just nine months later. They had both left their own families behind on the east coast; their parents came out for extended visits when the kids were born, but otherwise they were on their own except for paid help.
At first, of course, Luke felt unequipped and relied too heavily on others. But Laura wanted the full experience of parenthood, and after watching her figure things out, make mistakes, and try again, he knew wanted to do more as well. He started getting up when the kids did, learned how to make them breakfast and get them dressed, read them stories, give them baths and put them to bed. He found the patience to teach them how to drink from a cup, tie shoelaces, catch a ball, turn cartwheels, ride a bike, make music. And in exchange he got to see those two mysterious creatures grow into small people he knew intimately: Jase – precocious, wise, earnest; and Julia, who took after him – creative, impetuous, ambitious. When he looked at the two of them, he had no regrets.
Making those phone calls – first to Emmett, and then to Leo, Pete and Gordon – had probably been the hardest thing Luke had ever done, the lowest point in his life – worse even than the call to Lexi. His memory of that time was a vague blur, as though the experience was so painful his brain refused to record it. For the first year or so afterward he tried not to think about any of them at all.
Of course, he couldn't avoid thoughts of Emmett – they were almost non-stop at first – but he taught himself that Emmett hadn't had enough faith, hadn't loved him enough, and forced his mind to move on. The distance helped; you didn't hear much about the Philly scene out on the west coast, and he didn't see many of his old friends – except Eddie occasionally, who was too smart to mention Emmett's name – so he didn't get regular news or updates. He did hear about Emmett buying Forge, and sometimes saw his name in record credits as a performer or producer. Once in a while Luke would be out somewhere a radio was playing and hear a trumpet or harp solo that he instantly recognized; Emmett's playing was unmistakable to him. He always wanted to stay and savour every note, but he'd force himself to move along quickly instead.
The property Luke bought outside of Seattle was similar to the one in Pennsylvania: a big old house surrounded by fields and trees. Like before, he converted one room into a studio and one into a gym. As always, he had plenty of songs in the hopper, so he was able to record his first solo album in the small spaces between child-raising. His heart wasn't exactly in it, but it kept his mind busy, and Jerry constantly warned him about the dangers of fading from the public eye. After the record’s release Luke declined to tour – he was not interested in forming another band, or in being away from home while the kids were so young. Instead, he and Laura played a couple of small local shows and a launch party in LA, and called it a day.
