Chasing River, page 37
"River." I sighed finally moving after so long,
"Yeah?" He replied softly and I pulled him towards me and he handed me the nightgown I was wearing so I could slip back into it.
"We have the exhibit today," I told him and he quirked an eyebrow in question,
"Yeah and?" He asked and we walked back inside.
He sat down on the couch and I propped myself onto him with my legs on either side of him, he placed his careful hands on my waist.
"Let's go early," I suggested hopefully and he gazed back at the balcony to where his incomplete painting was,
"I don't know?" He shrugged,
"Come on please!" I urged and I moved my hips slightly but he placed a hand on my thigh to stop me from moving, blood rushed to his cheeks and I couldn't help but giggle,
"I don't think you want to do that." He pointed out and I realised what I was doing, I grinned guiltily,
"I'm sorry!" I apologised and he laughed,
"Don't worry about it." He teased, he was so easy to get all worked up.
I slipped out of my nightgown once more and made my way into the shower. I'd taken my braids out and it felt nice to feel the hot water soak through my hair and down my neck. I smoothed my face mask onto my skin and rubbed in slow circles, I turned behind me and saw River make his way in too. I smiled and he took hold of my loofah and squeezed shower gel onto it and proceeded to lather my back with soap. He wrapped his arms around me and did the same with the front of my body too. He placed a soft kiss onto my neck and I turned around to kiss his lips instead as the aroma of lavender filled the bathroom.
"I don't think I'll ever get tired of being yours, I can't wait to do this every day with you." He spoke into our kiss, and I smiled against his lips,
"I remember I once dreamed of hearing you say those words," I recalled as his tongue swiped over my own, I'd gotten so accustomed to his taste, warm and familiar, "This really is a dream."
"Then I never want to wake from it." He declared as I melted completely into his touch.
Afterwards, I blew my hair out with a hairdryer and tied it into a small bun, and laid my edges neatly. All while River watched me intently sitting on the edge of the sink, I laughed at the way he seemed completely mesmerised by the simplest of things that I did. River insisted on picking out my clothes today because he wanted our outfits to match, he always had such amazing style I thought he could've been a fashion major. He was wearing a plain Calvin Klein t-shirt and denim jacket with a silver chain around his neck and I put on a pair of black jeans and one of River's band t-shirts of a band I had no idea even existed.
I looked in the mirror as he stood beside me and it was impossible to deny that we looked really good together, I’d never noticed it before. Hell, if I saw us I would want to be us too. We got in the car and drove to the Amelie Art Gallery, and I had no idea just how official and elegant everything was going to be. There was a literal red carpet leading up to the doorway and all the cars parked in the driveway were expensive, it was clear that they were hosting an elite audience.
"Monsieur Kennedy, we haven't seen you here in a while!" One of the ladies getting out of her car greeted, she was wearing a stunning red dress to match her ginger curls and had the most enchanting green eyes. "Which piece of yours did you enter, I haven't seen it on the list of entries?"
"Evelyn." River greeted and she smiled, as another woman made her way over, just as stunning and she was middle eastern and had long dark hair that spun all the way to her waist, she leaned in and kissed Evelyn's lips, "Unfortunately I'm just a guest today, I'm accompanying the real star of the exhibit."
"Ahh I see, so this is the talk of the town, a pleasure to meet you Miss Nnandi. This is my wife Aaminah, she's an artist too." I exchanged pleasantries with her as well, "Now I must go before she has to drag me inside, congratulations!"
"Evelyn was my mentor when I was in high school," River told me and I nodded slowly in agreement,
"She's-" I begin but he cuts me off,
"Yeah." He responded with a slight laugh.
We made our way over to the banquet hall first where I was being introduced to so many people in the art community whose names I'd only seen in magazines or on newspaper headlines. They wanted to know more about me, my background, my inspiration, and my future plans. And how on earth was I to tell them that I didn’t know and I didn't have any? It was a little overwhelming I had to admit. A waiter came around with glasses of champagne and I attempted to drink it all in one go but River noticed and took the glass away from me.
"Okay, that's enough socialising for one evening." He laughed and I groaned in frustration,
"It's like they want this amazing story about my life, family and history that I just don't have, I don't want to lie to them but it's like when I tell them the truth they're already bored of me." I admitted and River smiled warmly, "I don't think I'm made for this River."
"How about we take a break, yeah?" He suggested and took me away from the crowd to the quiet and empty room where all the art was being kept. We sat down on the cold floor and I pressed my forehead against his and took a few deep breaths, "You're the best artist I know."
"You don't mean that." I retaliated, and he looked up and looked around him,
"I don't see anything even remotely better than your painting here and I'm pretty sure everyone agrees with me otherwise yours wouldn't be the one on display." River said softly, getting up and pulling me up with him by my hand, "Come on let's scope out the competition and determine this ourselves."
"What?" I asked not really in the mood,
"I said let's scope out the competition!" He insisted, but I didn’t budge. "Come on ma lumière, let me prove to you that you deserve all the good things."
"Okay." I agreed and he smiled and we walked over to the first painting by an artist called Jane Pauline.
It was an eerie painting of a house on a hill built atop a cemetery and all the lost souls were clawing up the hill to get revenge of sorts. In all honesty, it was mediocre at best and all wrong for this competition.
"Someone needed to tell Jane that this was an art competition and not a weekly meeting for the Stephen King fan club." River joked, "Because it's definitely not IT."
I laughed at the pennywise reference and his eyes lit up when I did. I appreciated what he was trying to do more than anything. Before I could say anything he dragged me along to the next piece which was by an artist who used the pen name, Mary Jane. It was an abstract painting of the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland smoking away at a pipe dreaming up a world of his own. The brush strokes were in the wrong direction and there was a clash of colours, too many going on at the same time, perhaps that was to enhance the whole trippy effect.
"I don't even think the mad hatter would approve of this one." River critiqued,
"Curiouser and curiouser..." I replied in reference and he winked, "I don't think McDonald's recommends slipping the devil's lettuce into your Big Mac before an exhibit."
We took a look at the last piece which caught my eye far more than anything else in the entire room, it was a collection of photographs of random objects belonging to a woman. A used toothbrush, a loch of her hair, pages of her diary, the soles of her feet, her naked silhouette, a jar that said all the tears you cried for me, and her toenail clippings. It was beautiful but it was also undeniably disturbing, where one might see the love I saw a dangerous obsession. There was lettering on one of the Polaroids that read, for my wife, I serve you this instead of divorce papers. I read the artist's name, Anon.
"Oh wow." Was all I could possibly bring myself to say, "This is...odd."
"Odd is an understatement." River cringed,
"If you were my husband I'd collect pieces of your hair rather than divorce you too." I joked and he laughed,
"I'd expect nothing less." He chuckled, "If you were my wife I'd bathe in your bath water to absorb your very essence."
I laughed so hard I had to place a hand on my stomach because I couldn't breathe, "if you were my husband I'd knock your teeth out and bargain with the tooth fairy to keep them."
"If you were my wife I'd make an entire shrine for you and make daily offerings." He laughed so hard tears of mirth spilt over from his eyes,
"If you were my husband I'd write an entire book about how much I love you, and I appreciate you more than you know," I said holding his hand in mine,
"If you were my wife I'd tell you that I love you more and that I'm only ever happy when you are, and that we may be standing in a room full of art but I am still only mesmerised by you." He said placing a kiss on the palm of my hand,
"If I was your wife I-" I began but he interrupts me with a kiss, his lips were soft and passionate.
"When." He mumbled against my lips,
"What?" I questioned,
"When you are my wife." He corrected staring into my eyes lovingly and yet possessively,
"When I am your wife, I will never leave your side, not even in death my love," I assured him with a smile,
"Do you know why I love you, Armani?" He said, trailing his touch up my forearm, "I love you for the way you touch me without using your hands, know that- If I am a dreamer then you are my dream, for you made me feel something I didn't believe in anymore."
I leaned in to kiss him slowly, tenderly, and passionately, his tongue on mine was like fire on ice. He placed his hand on the small of my back and dipped me down like, in one of those cheesy rom-coms, his lips never leaving mine.
This, I could do this forever, because forever didn't seem so infinite when I was with him.
Just then my mind drifted to the rather cruel reminder that I was withholding information from him, and that he needed to know sooner or later and I had to be the one to tell him.
Chapter 34
Chasing River
RIVER AND I sat beside each other on a bench outside in the dead of night. The exhibit had been a success and I got to meet so many prevalent figures in the industry and the craziest thing of all was that they recognized me first. They knew my name before I even called out theirs. It all just felt so incredibly unreal. That I was sitting here in the middle of the night, on a bench along the River Seine, in Paris beside someone who loved me.
I found it incredibly perplexing how much someone’s life could change in a year.
A year ago around this time, I was crying alone in my room stressed out because of my final exams, terrified that I wouldn’t make it, terrified that I would never make it out of there, that I would never get to have my own freedom and see the world outside of my little glass bubble. I was so tired of watching from the windowsill as others accomplished my dreams, and so I decided that night that I would stop feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in sorrow— and go out and chase them. That I would move at my pace, no matter how long It took and claim what belonged to me. I hope this is the fate for all African women, that someday we stop being afraid of taking up space and appreciate all that we have worked for. Because I did, I worked so hard to be here right now, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my days in France.
I turned to River who was staring at me, I suddenly felt flushed, had I been thinking out loud? His eyes seemed to glitter almost in the presence of the moon, the echoing sound of the water in the distance. “What is it?” I asked.
And then he just…smiled at me. His eyes almost disappearing entirely into crescents, I smiled back because my heart…for the first time in my life was so full. I was so content with everything I had, so content with the woman I had grown to be. I felt the tears begin to well in my eyes and River lifted a gentle hand to wipe them away, softly kissing my cheeks to calm me down.
“Why do you cry, my sweet girl?” He asked me.
“B-Because I love you and I’m scared to tell you,” I admitted, remembering Fabian and Keomi’s secret.
“Why would you ever be afraid, to be honest with me?” He wondered, his eyebrows furrowing in concern.
“Because I don’t want to hurt you, your pain is my pain and this…this will hurt River.” I cried, my tears falling hopelessly down my face, my mascara smudging.
“Hey.” He spoke sternly, placing a hand on my cheek and looking deep into my eyes, “I’ll be okay, don’t be scared.”
“I wish I could protect you from this truth.” I pleaded, holding his hands as he rubs circles on my palm to calm me down. “I wish that in this case, ignorance was bliss.”
“Talk to me.” He insisted and I nodded slowly.
“Yesterday when I went over to my dorm, I overheard Keomi and Fabian having a conversation and so I decided to listen in because it sounded serious. Keomi was telling Fabian that everything was all their fault and that she could never forgive herself for what they did. And so then I was really curious as to what they were talking about. So then I asked them to explain everything and Fabian told me that he knew about you and Jace, that he had seen you two that day a few years ago at the mountain peak. That he promised Jace that he would never tell, but then Jace saw Fabian there the day that a girl named Claudia broke her leg when she was being bullied by Elle and her friends. Jace wanted Fabian to give his statement to the police but he was scared, so he threatened Jace to…” I paused feeling my breath catch in my throat.
“He threatened Jace with what?” River asked, his expression immediately turned serious.
“He told Jace that if he told the police, that he would tell everyone about what he saw between you two,” I confessed and I watched as River’s expression contorted from hurt, to annoyance to…absolutely nothing at all. He just stared blankly at me blinking, opening and closing his mouth almost as if he wanted to speak but he didn’t know what to say.
“River…” I hummed, placing my hand on his shoulder in comfort.
“He…threatened to tell, he…” River muttered slowly, processing the information.
“I’m sorry.” I apologised in Fabian’s place. “Fabian also, he told me to tell you that he’s sorry for what he did. That it plagued him every day, Keomi knew about it too and she’s remorseful as well.”
“To who?” He exasperated, “Because it sure as hell can’t be towards me, it’s not me he hurt. It was Jace. What he did was awful.”
“I know, I told him that I was so…so angry.” I expressed.
“No.” River refuted.
“No?”
“No, you are far too precious to carry all that anger inside of you. Anger that you’re adopting vicariously through me, it’s not yours my love. And I know you, I know that you have such a good heart, your natural instinct is to empathise and I love that about you. But I cannot allow you to hurt for me any longer.” He explained to me holding my hands in his. “I do not carry any more anger with me, and you shouldn’t either.”
“A-Are you not upset with me, with Fabian…with Keomi?” I asked him with a sniffle and he shook his head no in refusal.
“No.” He assured me, “No I’m not.”
“So you don’t hate them?”
“I am disappointed, but not angry, nor do I feel any hatred towards them. There are no saints in this story, Armani, as much as Jace was loved I realize now that he was not all perfect. He did and said cruel things too, just like all of us. The pressure that this academy puts on its students, we’re bound to crack sometimes.” He sighed, “I have made peace with the fact that I will never know what happened in that car that day, whether Jace drove it off the road on purpose out of fear, or if it really was all an accident. I refuse to drive myself off too hyper-fixating on it, I burned the paintings, and I said goodbye. I have let go.”
His expression was calm, as I placed my hand on his cheek and then stroked his hair. “You have, haven’t you?”
“Yes I have, and I need you to do so as well.” He asked of me, “Let go, my love, let go of what could’ve been. In all aspects of who you are, because I’m right here with you in the present and I promise that it’s…it’s beautiful here too.” He hushed and I nodded.
“Live in the present, you’re right.” I agreed. “But I have to ask, is there anything I can do to make you feel better, anything at all?”
“Well.” River thought, pausing. “Tu peux me faire un câlin.”
You can give me a hug.
“Come here.” I smiled, pulling him closer to me, as he buried his face into my neck. “I know it’s hard baby.”
“I’m okay.” He spoke with a shaky voice, and he thought I didn’t notice but I felt a warm tear fall into my shoulder, then another, and another.
“You’re okay.” I agreed with him, as he sniffled. “We’ve got this.”
We watched in the distance as the fireworks then set off, the colours were an array of light and hues of blues and green. An explosion of truth and a promise of what was to come, I didn’t know at the time exactly what that would be but I was certain that I would be present for it and that it would be different, that it would be beautiful.
A month later, Jace’s memorial, January 2010
I looked at myself in the mirror, my itchy new black dress was bought just for the occasion. I tied my hair up into a bun and laid my edges neatly, classes would reopen within the next week as the winter holidays came to an end.
Jace’s memorial was being held at a local Catholic Church a long drive away from Paris, and everyone was going to be attending. Jace had a lot of friends, a lot of people who loved him yet…knew very little about his life. The church was old but beautiful, with vines that crept up the walls and an evergreen courtyard that stretched out for miles. River wore a plain black suit, and we knew we weren’t going to stay long here.
