Chasing River, page 19
"Fabian, qu'est-ce que je vous ai dit sur le flirt avec mes clients?" She scolded, what did I tell you about flirting with my clients?
"Maman je ne flirtais pas, c'est mon amie de l'école!" Fabian groaned, I wasn't flirting with her. She's my friend from school, "Armani."
And at that, her eyes softened and her gaze met mine and she gave me a welcoming smile, he had her smile too. The type that made you feel like you mattered, and like you were seen.
"Désolé, you must be the mystery girl my son won't stop talking about." She grinned, swatting him playfully on the shoulder, "You sure know how to pick the good ones."
"It's nice to meet you, Mrs Lyon, your café is lovely." I complimented,
"Merci, I wouldn't be able to keep it running without Fabian here helping out every day." She said, planting a kiss on his cheek and he smiled at her.
"If you're ever hiring, I'd love to work here after school," I suggested,
"I'm afraid as of right now the café is full, but if a position opens up I'll let you know chérie." She assured me, taking out a notepad, "Now what can I get you?"
"Do you have any vegan options?" I asked,
"Of course, what're you looking for?" She questioned,
"Cupcakes perhaps?" I advanced,
"We've got vegan salted peanut butter and vegan Belgian chocolate." She told me pointing to the notice board,
"Alright I'll have the Belgian choc-" I began but Fabian cut me off,
"She'll have the salted peanut butter," Fabian said as he packaged the four cupcakes, "River's allergic to chocolate, complément de la maison," On the house.
"No Fabian I can't accept that, I'll pay for it and you can keep the change, it's okay." I refuted digging in my purse for the money and handing it to Mrs Lyon politely.
"No no chérie, keep your money, think of it as a taste test, and if you like them be sure to come back next time you're craving something sweet, yes?" She offered,
"Thank you, I really appreciate your kindness." I thanked her just as Fabian handed me the paper bag.
Just as I was out the door I snuck a taste of the frosting and it turned out I was a fan of both of Mrs Lyon's creations. If only I could combine them both and have a Fabian-flavoured cupcake. Oh God, that sounded more morbid than sweet.
When I rang the bell in the elevator to request for River to let me up, I realized that perhaps I was crazy to be showing up unannounced at his penthouse at nine PM. Maybe he didn't even want to see me, God knows I wouldn't want anything to do with me after that little stunt I pulled at the exhibit. But to my surprise, he let me up anyway. When the elevator doors opened my eyes caught River’s who looked like he'd just come out of the shower because his dark hair was still wet and so was the neck of his black T-shirt.
I didn't know where to start so I just walked in and placed the card and cupcakes on the fancy kitchen counter. He didn't say anything, he just sat across from me and waited for me to speak. I pushed the cupcakes and card over to him across the table.
"I'm sorry." I apologised and he looked up at me in the way he did when he knew something I didn't. "For today."
"You don't have to apologise." He concluded, analysing my facial expressions as though he were trying to read me.
"But I do, I was jealous," I confessed and he lifted an eyebrow in confusion,
"Of me?" He asked,
"Always of you." I assured him, "I'm not used to losing to anyone, and when I heard Eloise call out your name instead of mine I freaked out and I was an asshole to you and you didn't deserve it, I'm sorry."
River reached his hand over to me, painfully slow.
Firstly he ran a single finger down the side of my face, and then he used his hand to caress my cheek and I leaned into his touch instinctively. Like my body had never known any other way, I closed my eyes and I was safe in the darkness.
"Are you mad at me?" I asked in anticipation, as his thumb slid over my eyelids, my nose, then the fullness of my lips,
"All the time." He replied, his voice honest and deep, "But not for that, or any of the reasons you may think."
"I'm mad at you all the time too," I whispered against his touch,
"I know." He cooed, "I know..."
I opened my eyes as I was released from his touch. He opened the card and smiled with amusement.
"You didn't have to do all of this, no one's ever done anything like this for me." He disclosed looking up at me, God I could look into those eyes forever.
"You deserve it," I assured him,
"What if I don't?" He countered and it scared me that he was genuinely asking me this,
"You deserve all the good things, you just do," I assured him, we all do. "Here, try this."
I took out one of the salted peanut butter cupcakes and I swore it took me forever to find a spoon from one of the many, many kitchen cabinets. I scooped some frosting onto the spoon and fed it to him, he tried to protest but I told him to stop being such a baby about it and he tasted it anyways.
"Mrs Lyon's?" He asked knowingly,
"Of course," I replied, I dipped my finger into more icing, and just as I was about to put it in my mouth River took my hand and licked the icing off of me, his mouth was oddly pleasant against my skin.
"Fuck you for that." I laughed, slightly flustered,
"Only at your request." He teased with a devilish grin.
River and I studied in the living room for our history test tomorrow in which I was convinced I was going to fail but he assured me that wasn’t going to happen. He was good at doing that, reassuring me.
"I'm hungry and there's nothing edible in your fridge," I whined afterwards, I grabbed his car keys on the counter and he dared me with his eyes, it was a fucking Porsche.
"I'm driving!" I insisted,
"You're not driving my car." He protested,
"Hell yeah, I am." I declared but he somehow managed to fight me for the keys.
Afterwards, we decided to go downtown to an elegant restaurant called the Heirloom Café, in which I had a lovely steak dinner and River ate literal grass as per usual. I wondered how he managed to not eat meat or any animal-made products like ever? It was odd but then again so was he.
It was nice to see this side of him that wasn't so caught up in everything, it was nice for him to just be River. He drove me back to campus and I nearly fell asleep in his car. A song by a band called The Neighborhood played as I watched him stare out at the open road.
Chapter 15
Collateral Damage
People at war with themselves will always cause collateral damage in the lives of those around them."
- JOHN MARK GREEN
BY THE TIME opened my eyes I was still asleep in River's car, we were parked on campus and the heating in the car was all the way up. I couldn't help but wonder how long I had been out? I turned to look at River, who was looking at me with tired eyes as I rubbed the sleep out of my own.
"Oh, I'm sorry, how long have I been asleep?" I asked sitting up,
"Only fifteen minutes." He told me, he looked pretty exhausted too, but he let me sleep in his car, why?
"Why didn't you wake me when we arrived?" I asked out of curiosity,
"You looked tired, I figured I'd let you get some rest." He admitted and I was immediately taken aback, he let me rest for nearly twenty minutes in his parked car when he simply could've just woken me up and been on his way back home, he was clearly just as tired as I was if not more.
"That's..."I began struggling to find the words, "Really nice of you, you didn't have to do that."
"Of course, I didn't." He replied turning down the heat,
"But you did." I realised,
"I did." He confirmed and a sleepy smile played on my lips, I grabbed my purse just as I opened the car door and the foreign cold breeze hit my skin.
"Well then, goodnight River, and congratulations on winning, you really did deserve it," I assured him.
And then we just stared at each other and as his pretty blue eyes focused on my browns, I knew not to expect him to kiss me goodnight. I knew not to expect him to offer to walk me back to my dorm and linger a little longer and make silly small talk because we couldn't bear to say goodbye. I knew not to, Because this wasn't a normal date with any normal guy, this wasn't anything really. I knew not to expect it, but I wanted it, I wanted to him to kiss me I really fucking did.
"Goodnight." He simply said before starting up the engine, I was disappointed, but I couldn't let it show.
I stepped out and shut the car door and watched as he reversed out of the parking space and drove off campus and into the night. I checked my phone and it was a quarter to midnight and I was all alone again. I made my way back to my dorm room where Keomi was pacing around in her nightclothes. She greeted me with surprise and relief when I walked through the door.
"Armani!" She sighed letting out an exhausted breath, "Where the hell have you been I was worried sick?"
"Oh I was at River's and then we went for dinner, I guess I lost track of time. I'm sorry I didn't mean to worry you." I apologised, I found myself doing a lot of that lately.
"I left you thousands of texts, Paris isn't exactly the safest place on earth." She scolded and I checked my phone and indeed I had twelve unread messages and five missed calls from Keomi. "Did you at least have a good time?" She asked lightening the mood,
"I think I did yeah." I authenticated, "About the competition--"
"I heard, I'm so sorry you lost that must’ve hurt, but remember there are always more opportunities and chances to improve and claim your victory." She emphasised with an encouraging smile and cheesy thumbs up,
"Yeah, it hit me pretty hard," I admitted and she offered me a hug and I took it, wrapping my arms around her.
"So what's been going on between you two, you've been hanging out a lot lately?" She asked and I wanted to tell her just as I did with Mer, I really did. But how could I explain a relationship I'm not even sure really exists?
Sometimes I felt like the connection I had with him was all in my head, like I’d made it up because of how I felt for him, maybe my efforts and feelings were unrequited. And so that is the only reason that I said,
"Nothing really, I guess we're just friends," I told her, and I could tell she was struggling to believe me,
"Whatever you say, you can talk to me when you're ready." She assured me just as I'd offered her the same courtesy when we first met.
"What did I do to deserve you?" I asked and she got a cocky smile on her face,
"Nothing, maybe I'm your Guardian Angel." She joked and turned on Skins on her laptop for us to watch since we'd basically watched every episode of Friends at that point. Eventually, the screen faded into the darkness and we fell fast asleep.
Fabian And I were in English when he tapped me on the shoulder and tossed a crumpled-up note onto my desk. I was hesitant to open it up right this moment because our English teacher had eyes at the back of her head and we could never get anything past her. But I took my chances and opened it up anyways.
They’re showing Amélie at the cinema tonight, wanna go downtown and watch it with me?
-A very hopeful Fabian
I smiled at the gesture but I had already offered to study with River that night and I couldn't back out of it, plus I was sure this wasn't just a friendly encounter, I knew better than to go along with it knowing it would mean way more to him than it did to me. So I did what I thought was best and let him down easily. I turned over the piece of paper and wrote on the other side before tossing it back at him.
I’m sorry Fabes but I can’t make it, maybe another time?
As he read my words his expression changed to disappointment and I mouthed I'm sorry once more but he just said it was okay and shrugged it off.
Our Teacher assigned us a thousand-word essay on the importance of grammar and punctuation, literally the most boring topic on the planet and sometimes I thought that she simply hated her job and her students.
After class we all decided to go to lunch together at Le Deux Magots and when I say all I mean all because it took an incredible amount of convincing to get River to tag along too. Plus we were supposed to be going to the library after to study for our final test tomorrow which was Halloween and it sucked to have to take a trigonometry exam on Halloween. I knew it wasn't particularly celebrated in France but apparently, there were many things to do in Paris to get your yearly dose of spooky on.
Geneviève was seated at the right end of the table and River on the left end, I was seated next to Fabianon on one end and Keomi and Mer on the other. I glanced towards River, reminiscing the last time we were here, I felt for the scar on my palm that was almost completely gone from the knife. River seemed oddly distracted and somewhere far away even though he was right here and out with us. Just then everyone's phones went off and I initially thought it was an email from the school until I checked my own and it was an invitation.
"No fucking way!" Mer gushed and it was clear that everyone was surprised and excited, "How the hell did we get invited to Victoria's Halloween party?"
"Why is it such a big deal?" I asked genuinely confused,
"Armani, only the most exclusive people on campus get invited and we've never been invited until...now!" Keomi explained and I was still utterly confused,
"It's probably because she's finally taken a liking to me." Gene claimed, "I should send my regards to her."
"Wait a minute, aren't you and Victoria like friends?" Fabian asked me and I realised, I proceeded to check my texts.
TORI: I hope you can make it, you can tell your buzzard friend Geneviève that she can stop pestering me now. Oh and keep her on a leash while you’re here xx
ME: Thanks for inviting us, no promises on the leash thing!
TORI: Try an electric collar
ME: WHAT.
"I guess I am..." I realised and Keomi squealed giddily,
"Who knew being roomies and friends with you would be the best thing to happen all year." Keomi sighed,
"That doesn't sound right," Gene mumbled and I rolled my eyes at her.
"I literally have nothing to wear." I complained as the realisation hit me, "and no money to buy anything because I spent my allowance ordering useless shit on Amazon."
"There's always a solution in Paris." Fabian assured me, "There are so many costume thrift stores on every corner, I'm sure you'll find something."
"Or she could dress up as herself." Gene added, "A sore loser; that's sure to scare everyone."
"Yeah, and when exactly do you plan to take yours off?" I fired back and she smiled devilishly,
I turned to River who's been sketching something on a napkin which I'd realised he only ever did when there was something on his mind, he will literally draw on any surface. Once I caught him drawing on the side of his pair of Converse like it was a canvas.
"Will you be going?" I asked but it was almost like he didn’t hear me so I slipped my hand under the table to hold his but he tensed under my touch,
"I don't know," he said and he pulled his hand away from me, "Don't."
"Why?" I asked at his sudden distance,
"Not here." He declared assertively,
"Then where, because it seems like everywhere there's something holding you back from me." I challenged and he lowered his eyes,
"I don't like the way I feel when I'm around you, when you look at me like that and when you touch me. It's like I'm slowly forgetting everything I swore I never would." He acknowledged and I felt like he just rubbed salt on an open wound,
"I wish you would all stop speaking in some code I don't fucking understand, I wish you would stop acting like it's only me who feels this between us. You're...you're-" I argued beneath my breath so no one else could hear what we were talking about,
"Yours?" He spoke, "I'm not yours Armani, I'm not anything right now, we're not anything and we can't be anything."
"Then why keep leading me on this entire time, why act like you care one day and act like I'm nothing to you the next?" I confronted and I was angry, I deserved to be angry,
"I never lead you on, I let you know from the very beginning that I can't be who you need me to be for you, I can't give you all the things you want." He argued defensively,
"River, you've never even asked me what I want." I sneered, "It's been about you this entire time and I'm tired of running around in circles with you because I'm the one who always gets hurt and left behind."
And then there was a beat of silence and I hoped that that was because he realised that I was right.
"I won't be left behind this time, I won't be your collateral damage." I expressed.
I laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation and I laughed because I was hurt and if I didn't laugh I would cry and I was so fucking done doing that. So I turned to Fabian and placed my hand on his the exact same way I did River's and made sure River watched.
"Fabian I’m actually free tonight, we should go watch that movie." I smiled and Fabian's eyes lit up at my statement,
I had no reason, no reason to turn him down anymore.
River narrowed his eyes at me in anger and frustration and I could see him digging his nails into the palms of his hand, that terrible habit I noticed he caved into when he got frustrated. I wanted to tell him to stop but I was mad at him and I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. So I simply looked away and returned my gaze to Fabian who was already looking up movie time showings at the downtown cinema.
"Are you okay, you seem kind of on edge?" Fabian asked running a hand through his loose curls,
"I'm okay, just stressed about exams." I lied and he believed me,
