Chasing River, page 20
"Well, hopefully, tonight will give you the opportunity to let loose and forget about school for a little while." He proposed playfully nudging my shoulder.
Maybe it was wrong to only be going out with Fabian because River had rejected me yet again, maybe a part of me felt like I was using him and that he didn't deserve it, that he didn't deserve to have me play with his emotions. But I would’ve accompanied him regardless if I hadn’t made other plans and all sense had left me in this compelling orchestra of cruel intentions I was playing with River Kennedy. Sometimes I felt like he was brought into my life to turn everything upside down. To make me doubt and forget everything I thought I knew.
Once Keomi, Gene and Mer had left to go shopping for their costumes I knew it would be awkward so I decided to leave with Fabian. River didn't try to stop me and apologise, he just watched emotionless as Fabian opened the taxi door for me and I disappeared down the road. Fabian and I talked about anything and everything at a thousand miles per hour, conversations were so effortless with him and I didn't realise when we'd arrived at the Cinema.
It had an archaic style to it, like something straight out of the 1950s and it made me want to go back in time and experience it when the idea of film was still fresh in people's minds.
Fabian and I made it to the front desk and paid for our tickets. The ticket sales lady was a tired-looking brunette with dark circles beneath her age-old rusty amber eyes.
"Merci, thank you for visiting and enjoy the film." She said in a monotonous voice as though she simply had to show this little enthusiasm off script.
"What snacks do you want?" Fabian asked looking through the glass at the selection of chocolate and candy,
"I'll have the sour gummy bears please," I told him and he picked them out for me before we made our way into the theatre. I was whispering because I didn't want to interrupt the other moviegoers.
But to our surprise, we were the only people in the entire theatre room. Fabian had mentioned earlier that the Downtown theatre wasn't popular these days and didn't get many attendees. Some part of me when I looked at Fabian who didn't seem to mind that we'd be all alone knew that he'd intended for it to be this way.
"This is...odd," I commented on the awkwardness of the situation,
"Not really." Fabian shrugged, "I guess it's just you and me, that's not so bad right?"
I paused for a second not knowing exactly what to say but also not wanting to disappoint him again.
"Not bad at all." I smiled amiably.
We took a seat directly in the front row and watched the movie credits begin to roll in, I wondered why in French films the credits always come in at the very beginning. I remembered watching Amelie for the first time in school and having my entire eighth-grade French class freak out about all the raunchy scenes. Watching it then as an adult, no longer bearing the curiosities of a thirteen-year-old It wasn’t as fascinating.
And I turned my gaze to Fabian who was looking awfully casual and nonchalant at the scene in front of us. He didn’t react, he didn’t flush uncontrollably like the boys from eighth grade nor was he mesmerised like I once was.
"I can't imagine how uncomfortable this must've been to film." I disclosed and Fabian's eyes gleamed with amusement,
"This is France if you want to make it as a film actor you've got to be prepared to shed a few layers," Fabian told me and I was taken back,
"What?" I asked, wondering if I heard his statement correctly,
"Hear me out, nudity in France is not something portrayed as inherently sexual Armani, nude art is about appreciating the human body in its purest and most natural form, it’s about the kind of vulnerability one can only portray through it." Fabian explained to me, "it's different from American film."
"I see..." I replied and the look on his face suggested he wanted to say something else,
"My mom was an actress and a lot of her films had a fair amount of nudity, she'd let me watch them when I was younger but scolded me for watching them when I got older because according to her le jeune esprit est pur de choses que le plus âgé n'est pas." The young are pure of things that the older is not,
"Your mom sounds wise," I told him,
"Sometimes it's almost like she wishes I was never born." Fabian blurted out, "Shit I'm sorry I didn't mean for that to sound so dark."
"No no, it's okay you can talk to me," I assured him, and now the movie faded into the background.
"Don't get me wrong, ma maman m'aime (my mom loves me) but a part of me knows she loved her career more. And I think she misses it; the red carpets, the spotlight, and being hounded by the paparazzi. She'll never admit it of course but I've known this for a while." He explained and my heart ached at his words,
"I've never had the best relationship with my mom either, and people are always focused on the stigma surrounding strained relationships with fathers and their children but seem to neglect that the most damage is done by the ones who we’re told are supposed to love us no matter what, the ones we're told loved us at first sight, the ones who brought us into this world, our mothers." I sighed sinking into the seat,
"Armani, I don't want to bore you with my problems, today was supposed to be a fun escape, remember?" Fabian said changing the topic,
"You're not boring me Fabes, you never bore me," I assured him.
And then there was this beat of empty silence before an idea strung into my mind.
“I think that this can happen because a lot of women are told that they have to love their children no matter what, from the time they’re young they’re told that there exists this promised connection she’s supposed to immediately feel towards her child. And when that doesn’t happen, it can really affect both the mother and her child.” Fabian explicated, “We talked about this in my psychology class.”
"I have an idea, wait here for me," I told him and he looked at me like I was crazy,
"Where're you going?" He asked, "You're not abandoning me are you Nnandi?"
"Of course not, I'm not a total asshole, but I will be leaving momentarily just give me a second, no questions asked," I promised before getting out of my seat and making my way to the front desk again.
I was met with the same weary-looking brunette who was sweeping the floor with earphones in and I tried my best to get her attention.
"Excusez moi." I called but she kept on cleaning and couldn't hear me, "Excusez moi!"
She finally heard my call and stopped the music playing in her ears and sighed heavily as though I were interrupting her. I still have no idea why the French seem to not like foreigners so much, then again if I were French I'd hate us too.
"How can I help you?" She groaned looking at the time on her watch, "it's almost my break."
"Sorry to interrupt I- uh I was just wondering if you had any old movies in the back starring Camille Lyon?" I asked and she gave me a condescending glare holding out her hand,
"Maybe, maybe not, perhaps there's something you can do to, comment dites-vous les Américains? Jog my memory." She contemplated and I knew exactly what she was referring to, I dug in my purse and handed her 20 euros which she gracefully accepted. It was probably more than she expected but she looked like she was struggling, I knew what it was like to struggle.
"Merci mademoiselle, I'll see what I can do." She thanked me with a wink.
I made my way back into the Cinema with Fabian waiting for me, I took my seat next to him and he gestured to the now empty packet of sour gummy bears.
"Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to keep a lady waiting?" He joked and I shoved his shoulder playfully,
"Still doesn't give you the right to rob me of my candy," I replied just as the screen flickered and the movie begun to change.
"What's going on?" Fabian muttered just as the new film title appeared on the screen.
THE DAME WHO SAVED ME
Fabian almost immediately recognized the film and his eyes lit up with nothing but the purest happiness, his keen amber eyes focused on the screen and I didn’t think I'd ever seen someone so excited to watch a movie in my life.
Camille looked not that different than she did when I’d met her, except that her eyes held a little more youth and her figure was slimmer and more well-rounded, her full rose-tinted lips were rouged along with her prominent Cupid's bow and were her signature style. She spoke in an enthralling manner that demanded her audience's attention. She had a fire in her that couldn't be extinguished, not by age and not by time.
A fire I'd only seen in one other person, I turned to him and he was speechless after her performance.
"Armani you- I don't know how I can possibly thank you." Fabian said, "What you did, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me."
"Don't thank me, what're friends for?" I reminded him, Fabian paused.
"What year was this movie shot?" Fabian asked just as the credits rolled in and the year 1991 appeared on the screen.
"She was pregnant when this was shot, I was born a few months later, this must've been her last movie." Fabian realized, "I was the end of everything she loved."
"No Fabian, you were the beginning of her love."
Chapter 16
Halloween Highs
THE NEXT DAY River Kennedy didn't show up to school, which was odd considering he was never even late. Our friends kept asking me where he was like I'd know the answer, even Monsieur Ettiene asked me. And I gave them the exact same answer, I don't know I don't know I don't fucking know. Because I didn't and we weren't exactly on speaking terms since everything that happened the day before.
I wanted him to know that he couldn't treat me like that, like I was an option on a menu he could pick and choose when he wanted whenever he wanted. Sometimes I wondered what it'd be like to take a trip into his mind, to see the world the way he does, to understand what only he understands, to just know for sure what he felt for me. That's if he felt anything for me, well, that I wasn't so sure of anymore.
I mean there I was standing in the doorway of Victoria's party on Halloween night while everyone else was drunk off their asses and playing a not-so-appropriate version of trick or treat in the foyer. I looked up at the security camera, I looked pretty and felt even prettier. I managed to find this mint-condition Guardian Angel costume with Fabian at a thrift store downtown. I had glitter in places glitter shouldn't be and my wings were starting to feel awfully heavy.
"I see a certain little bird grew some wings? Glad you made it." Victoria's voice threw me out of my trance and she looked absolutely breathtaking in her sexy kitten costume, which had an awful lot of lace and faux fur. "But don't stand outside and mope you're getting all your emotions on my patio."
"Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind." I smiled apologetically and her expression turned more understanding than playful.
"You've got it bad for this one hm?" She realized placing a hand on my shoulder before digging in her purse for some lip gloss before applying it on her lips and then kissing me so it rubs off on me.
"Put your lips together."
I smoothed the lipgloss onto my own lips and automatically felt ten times more confident than I actually was.
"Thanks," I said as she fluffed up my white wings to give them more poofyness.
"Don't worry about it." She acknowledged then proceeded to look over her shoulder at the party raging behind her, "Now rumour has it there are two angels at this party and they are destined to collide tonight."
"What do you mean?" I asked but she was already going back inside and heading straight to the bar,
Just then my eye met that of another angel across the room, he was wearing all black and even his wings were tinted obsidian. Dark as night. I wondered if he'd copied my costume, but there was little to no chance of that, he couldn't have known. He had glittery tears painted on his flawlessly sculpted porcelain face, hues of silver, purple, blue, and gold. And people looked at us like we'd intended on matching, I even got a few compliments on our unintentional duo costume here and there.
I wanted to ask him what the hell he was doing here but then I remembered he was invited and I couldn't get mad at him for attending, I couldn't feel irate towards him for anything. And it was for that exact reason that I joined Victoria and Keomi at the bar and took a single shot of tequila. I had no intention of getting wasted tonight, I just wanted to let loose and have some fun for once.
I wanted to not care about River Kennedy for one night.
The alcohol burned my throat as I swallowed but it immediately went to my head and made me feel like I could do anything, say anything and be anything. I made my way over to Fabian who was dancing all by himself and that was the beginning of the first bad decision I made that night.
"You look awfully lonely Fabian," I commented and Fabian followed his eyes in amusement,
"Not at all, I was just about to ask the prettiest girl in the room to dance with me." He assured me,
"Well, then you should go do that!" I encouraged,
"Will you dance with me?" He asked and oh god this was the first time being called pretty made me feel guilty.
"Uh- I-" I murmured and then my eye caught River's and he was watching Fabian and I intently, he was daring me, challenging me and I wasn't about to crack under pressure, "Of course."
Triggered by Chase Atlantic began to blast through the speakers and the music took over my body and I almost forgot I was dancing with Fabian for a moment. I wanted him to be River, I wished he were River and so in my mind, for this moment I pretended he was. I writhed to the rhythm up and down his body and his dark brown pupils appeared entranced and dilated and I smiled knowing River was watching.
I wanted him to watch and see the power I held over him, I wanted him to know damn well that he wasn't the only one who could make me feel alive and that he wasn't the only man for me. That I could have whoever I wanted whenever I wanted just like him. And Fabian wasn't protesting, he most definitely wasn't protesting. But then River did something I didn't expect, he retaliated.
Before I knew it he was dancing with a random blue-eyed blonde girl I recognized from school but I couldn't exactly pinpoint, she was getting into it, really into it. She had her lips on his neck and her hands in his hair, she was everywhere on his body I wished I was.
"If you're going to challenge the devil you have to learn to play like you're in hell." Fabian whispered in my ear, "When he plays dirty, you play dirtier."
"Let's play," I replied and Fabian's teeth nipped at my earlobe ever so slightly and I shut my eyes, I kept moving to the rhythm along with him but just then I felt someone pull me away from him.
"What the hell Kennedy!" Fabian scoffed, "She can do whatever she wants, she's not your goddamn property."
"I've been patient enough with you Fabian, don't make me have to show you just how protective I am of what's mine." River sneered getting daringly close to Fabian who looked almost terrified now. I don’t think I'd ever seen River that serious and that angry.
"Leave me alone." I challenged, trying to untangle myself from his grip but he didn’t let go, he simply lead me along to the upstairs balcony.
The cool Parisian midnight air swept over me and I looked up at the night sky which was aligned with an array of stars.
"Is that really what you want?" He asked, "If it is I'll let go, I'll let you go."
My heart sank and I didn’t know what to say, all I knew was that I had to stand my ground to get what I wanted, what I deserved.
"I don't want to be your ‘what if’ anymore!" I argued, shoving him back, "I'm sick of all the mixed signals and emotions, tired of getting lost in translation with you, for once can we speak the same language?"
"Armani listen to me-" he began but I cut him off once more,
"I've been listening to you this entire time, I'm done listening I want you to just be honest with me!" I snapped,
"Armani I-" he began but I shoved him back again,
"I'm standing right in front of you, I've been standing right in front of you showing you how I feel and you still don't see me." I dismissed, "Why don't you see me River I-"
"I'm sorry," River said cutting me off and I stopped talking, he was…. apologising?
"No, you're not, you say that now but who's to say you'll mean it a few days from now?" I fought,
but he didn’t move so I shoved him even harder because I was angry and I was tired of getting hurt by him every time I opened up. He didn’t stop me, he just watched me and let me get all my anger out. "I just… want you to care, I just want to be yours."
"You are." River chastised and my heart sunk, "And I'm yours whether I like it or not. I've never been good with words which I believe you've come to know, but you've taken hold of me. You have enraptured every waking fibre of my being and I had no say in the matter. I don't know how they say it in English but Armani tu me possède."
You possess me.
"You don't mean that..." I wavered stumbling back,
"You said that you and I can't be anything."
"Forget what I said, listen to what I'm saying now," he took a deep breath before he said, "it's you."
“It’s me?” I muttered in disbelief,
“It has been you since the day we first crossed paths.” He assured me, his eyes frantic and desperate. “Call it chance, call it whatever you want but all I know is that you venture through the palace of my mind like you own it, and what’s far more wicked is that you really do.”
"Oh, River I-" I began but this time it was he who cut me off,
"Let me show you how sorry I am." He declared and I didn’t know exactly what he meant until he moved closer towards me and I took a step back and I leaned against the balcony. We're two floors up from the cold concrete. "Let me show you what I can't bring myself to say."
He moved closer and the only other place I could move to would be to fall off the edge, either way, I was going to face a near-death experience, either by the concrete or death by River Kennedy. And the latter sounded far more pleasurable. Before I knew it his lips were on mine, his kiss was much more forceful this time, it was as though he were claiming me with every stroke of his tongue on mine. He attempted to wrap his hand around my neck, I smiled at the contact and his eyes lit up when I did so,
