Chasing River, page 36
“But—”
“Please Fabian I’ll do anything just don’t tell!” Jace asked frantically.
“I was going to say that I had no intention of telling anyone, really it’s just…none of my business. I can wish you’d have opened up to me all you want but if that’s not what you wanted there’s nothing I can do. It’s okay man, chill.” Fabian reassured him, but it was evident that Jace was still on edge.
“Okay…thanks.” Jace sighed in relief.
“Anytime.” Fabian nodded before catching up with the girls by the peak, ready to make his move with Elle.
And yet to Fabian's surprise when he began to approach, he overheard the girls talking about how Elle was so smart, as to have strung Fabian along that whole time, and her ploy to get with River. That getting close to Fabien would mean getting closer to her original goal of hooking up with Kennedy. Fabian’s heart immediately sunk at the realization that she had never really liked him, and he had never stood a chance. He was frustrated and hurt, maybe even angry. He was swimming in a cesspool of his own emotions, toxic and overwhelming. He was so sick of always being second place to his own friend, despite the fact that he and River had never really been that close. But just as Fabian was about to approach and confront her, he noticed the group of girls, poking fun at Claudia, the least popular girl in the group who was fairly new at their school. They were daring her to do something that she didn’t want to, and she was getting nervous, he watched them from behind the tree as they gasped, and then he heard an ear piercing scream, and immediately knew that something had gone horribly wrong.
“Let’s get out of here!” Elle called out.
“We can’t just leave her here she’s hurt?” One of the girls argued in a burst of tears.
“We were never here Vera,” Elle spoke sternly before they ran.
Just then Jace ran up behind him, “What the hell happened I heard a scream?”
“I—I uh I didn’t hear anything.” Fabian lied.
The two boys watched as the medic and police showed up and took Claudia away, she had broken her leg and Fabian had seen it all. He knew it was no accident, he knew she had been pushed, she had been bullied.
“Fabian, you have to tell the police what you saw.” Jace insisted.
“I have nothing to say, I don’t know anything.” Fabian refused, and Jace was perplexed.
“What do you mean you don’t know anything, you were there, you saw everything that happened and you can help the police know what really happened to that girl,” Jace explained.
“I have a lot on the line, my scholarship— everything. I can’t risk being under suspicion of anything by the police.” Fabian scoffed.
“Are you serious?” Jace wondered taken aback.
“There’s more than one story going on here, and I can’t risk mine ending the wrong way.” Fabian dismissed.
“Listen if you won’t tell the police then I will, this isn’t right—” Jace prompted about to make his way over to the cops but Fabian grabbed hold of his arm.
“If you speak a word to the police, then I will tell everyone about what I saw between you and Kennedy earlier.” Fabian threatened and Jace’s stomach dropped.
“Y-you’ll what?” He muttered.
“You heard me, an eye for an eye,” Fabian warned.
“Makes the whole world blind.” Jace clarified shaking his head in disappointment before walking away.
A year ago, a day before the crash
KEOMI'S POV
I lay bare beside Fabien between my sheets in the summer heat, I had waited for this for a long time, for him to make love to me. But I knew that what he felt during our little spontaneous moment of passion was not love, but desperation and a need to take the company of a body other than his own. I watched him watching me, as he gazed up at the ceiling of my little dorm room. He was beautiful to me, I wish all the girls he chased after could see that.
"This," Fabien said, trailing his finger along my side, "Cannot happen again, do you understand me?"
"It's not like I forced you inside of me Fabes." I shrugged gathering the sheets so he could not see my body, I was starting to feel like he didn't deserve to.
"Indeed," he figured with that boyish grin that could melt me into honey, "But it was careless on both our parts and it can't afford to ever happen again. It won’t end well, we have to prioritise our friendship over everything,"
"Fine." I spat bitterly sitting up in bed, "If I was just your rebound you can leave now, don't let the door hit you on the way out."
"I wouldn't just leave you Keomi, you're my best friend and I do love you." Fabien soothed running his free hand through my hair, love he called it, but not the kind I felt, "I don't plan on making this a big deal."
"And at what cost, best friend?" I asked and he smiled, undressing me once more with his gaze alone, "you taught me better than anyone that there is nothing free in this world, so name your price?"
"Une simple faveur." He purred looking at me in a way that made it nearly impossible to say no, but I kept my wits about me.
“Depends on what this simple faveur is, do clarify." I requested,
"I need to talk to Jace and tell him that I didn’t mean what I said before about snitching about him and Kennedy, I was just mad." Fabien confessed, "Then again he must've known Elle was only using me to get to him and he let it happen,& I'm so sick of him always getting his way."
“River didn’t know, come on,” I told him. “Jace has been off lately, he’s being flakey and seems panicky all the time too.”
“Exactly…I think it’s because of what I said before.” Fabian expressed.
“I don’t know why you won’t just tell me what you saw happen between him and River.” I groaned. “It can’t be that big of a secret.”
“Oh, you have no idea…” Fabian sighed. “Just promise me you’ll talk to him.”
This was typical of Fabien Lyon, he just never knew how to accept defeat, he didn't know that when it comes to affairs of the heart there isn't much one can do to change the fates. I hated that he drooled over girls like Elle who will never even see how amazing he is, and will never appreciate it. Why couldn’t he see that I'd been here all along and that I was the only one for him? Perhaps this simple favour of his, if I agreed to do it, would finally make him realise that I was willing to do anything for him and that I'm the girl he needs to set his eyes on. I was right in front of him and he didn’t see me, even after he was just inside me, he didn’t fucking see me.
It would be in everyone's best interest to remember that I'd choose Fabien Lyon over anything.
“I don’t know if Jace will listen to me though, maybe you should talk to him. I'm worried about what will happen if we don’t.” I expressed.
"I thought you said you wanted to help me?" Fabian scoffed and I took a deep breath.
"Fabien is this really what you want, I mean he is your friend isn't he?" I questioned and his eyes darken, “you should be able to apologize.”
"Not right now." Fabien deadpanned, his gaze then softened and he leaned in to kiss me, his kiss that I craved like it was the elixir to life itself. "Say you'll help me?"
"Say I'm the best you've ever had," I retorted rolling on top of him, "Say I'm everything you've ever wanted,"
"Keomi I-" he began but I cut him off,
"Just for one night." I pleaded and he took his bottom lip between his teeth,
Fabien grinned, gripping my hips and propping me on top of him and he attached his lips to my feverish neck, his kiss was hot and slow and I melted into his touch.
"You're the best I've ever had, Keomi Nakamura," he hummed, slipping his hand up my thigh, "No one does it for me like you do, you're everything I've ever wanted."
"That's all I've ever wanted." I sighed and I let him inside me, not just my body, but my heart too once more.
Oh, how a fool in love is the most dangerous thing.
The day of Jace's Funeral
The Père Lachaise Cemetery was a sea of black and emptiness as the pastor read from the Bible words I didn't understand, he told promises of this good place where all the pure souls that have long left the earth went and I wanted to believe him. Because Jace Monet was indeed all things good and pure, he was cut from the same cloth of the white doves that soared the skies, the glimmer of seawater pearls, and the sheathed fur of the lambs. He was light incarnate and I'd watched as Fabien’s cruel words took that away.
I turned my gaze to his mother and father, he held her as she cried and asked her God 'why him' and got nothing but the pitter-patter of the rains as a reply. I held onto my black umbrella, my knuckles whitening at the guilt and disgust of knowing what was on his mind the day he crashed the car. I knew that he felt trapped and I couldn’t help him.
I turned my gaze to River who I'd assumed would be the most devastated, but he hadn't said a word since the accident, let alone shed a single tear. He appeared pale, numb almost and ghost-like, as though it was him in that casket instead of Jace. I watched Merilla and Geneviève speak their last words to him and I cried as they said goodbye to our friend. I could've stopped this, I could've.
I could’ve talked to him and said something. Fabien strode up behind me and placed a hand on my shoulder, one that I assumed was supposed to bring me comfort.
"It's okay Keomi, it wasn't our fault." Fabien cooed and I shrugged away from his touch,
"Are you out of your mind?" I cried, "Yes, yes it was Fabien."
"Don't you ever talk like that again, no one can hear you speak like that, do you understand me? This is my burden to carry not yours. I was the one who said words I didn’t mean." He said brushing my hair away from my face, his words were bitter but his expression remained eerily calm, "You will never have to face the consequences of my mistake."
"No it will be both of us, we will feel it every day perhaps not physically but here," I gestured tapping at the side of his forehead, "we will never erase the guilt, we will never erase the fact that we could’ve been there for him."
"Oh Keomi, you can’t say anything to anyone about this," Fabien said.
"Or what?" I spat bitterly, "You're the worst thing that ever happened to me." I hissed, I didn't mean it of course but perhaps in the moment I did.
"Oh but Keomi you're the best I've ever had," he recited, "You're everything I've ever wanted."
I knew I lost him when I looked into his eyes and everything I ever loved and cherished about him was gone
Chapter 33
The Truth Will Set You Free
I IMMEDIATELY swung open the door and stood there in my place, having heard enough. Fabian and Keomi turned around to meet my gaze, and their hands might as well have been painted red with how guilty they looked.
“Armani…” Fabian spoke, swallowing hard.
“We weren’t expecting you.” Keomi tried to smile off.
“Oh, were you expecting me to act like I didn’t just overhear everything?” I wondered out loud, a cold chill cascading down my spine. “Because that’s not going to happen.”
“Listen I don’t know what you think you heard but—” Fabian began but I immediately cut him off. I was not the girl that I was when I first arrived at St Katherine's, I would not allow myself to be spoken over and disregarded.
“Don’t do that, it’s beneath you. I heard everything, every single word. Quite frankly more than I wanted to.” I admitted walking in between them and taking a seat at my desk and folding my arms. “I want to know everything.”
“Armani no you don’t.” Keomi sighed, placing her fingers against her temples in frustration. “You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into, what you got yourself into by hanging out with us all in the first place.”
“I know what I heard, and this time I want to know the full story, with no hidden connotations, I want you to be honest with me,” I asked them and they gave each other a panicked look.
“Fine. As long as you promise to be understanding at the very least?” Fabian proposed.
“I don’t owe you anything because I highly doubt I’m going to be taking your side on any of this,” I warned.
“Do you want the long story or a short explanation?” Keomi asked me placing her hands on her hips.
“Tell it to me short and clear.” I directed.
“I had feelings for a girl named Elle a few years ago but she didn’t feel the same, shocker. Anyways, she was using me to get to Kennedy and I found out and I was really angry and upset. One day at camp, I found out about River and Jace having a….well whatever it was they had. I promised Jace that I wouldn’t say a word, because like I’d said, it was none of my business. But then I saw Elle’s group bullying one of their friends, and accidentally pushing her off the side of the rocks, she broke her leg. Jace knew that I was there, and wanted me to give a statement to the police but I wasn’t willing to risk getting involved. He started to question my morality in the situation and threatened to go to the police himself, but in turn, I got nervous and threatened to tell everyone about him and River. Then…well then Jace kinda started to spiral and I think that maybe that was my fault.” Fabian explained and I placed my hand over my heart to make sure my heart was still there, still beating. I couldn’t imagine what Jace probably had to go through, knowing everything that was on the line.
“Maybe?” Keomi speculated sarcastically. “It was.”
“Oh yeah? Well, you knew about them too, you could’ve talked to him and prevented everything—”
“Wait!” I paused, “How on earth would you have been able to change his fate?”
“Um…well, uh, sometimes we think that maybe Jace crashed the car on purpose.” Keomi hesitated.
“W-what do you mean?” I muttered.
“I think, he may have felt like the pressure of it all was too much and he wanted to end it,” Fabian suggested and I felt the tears begin to pool in my eyes, they then tumbled down my cheek and I wiped them away quickly.
“That’s…that’s insane.” I gasped.
“But not impossible,” Keomi added taking a deep breath and sitting on the edge of her bed. “People crack under pressure all the time.”
“That’s…awful, oh my God.” I thought to myself. “But wait, that doesn’t explain how Keomi knew?”
“We were…together at the time.” Keomi blushed. “He told me about it and wanted me to talk to Jace.”
“You dated Keomi?” I gasped in shock.
“We never technically dated but yes…we were together in many ways.” Fabian hinted and Keomi smacked his arm.
“Shut up, like seriously.” She asked of him.
“She wanted the whole truth Keomi, why spare her all the dirty details?” Fabian spat.
“Why…did you hide all of this?” I asked.
“Because some things are better left unsaid, better left hidden and digging them up always does more harm than good,” Keomi told me. “You were still new here, you didn’t need to know…everything.”
“This is so messed up.” I concluded, “River, he deserves to know.”
“No!” Fabian protested, grabbing hold of my arm. “He’s going to take it out of context, he’s going to blame us for everything.”
“Wow.” I sighed, shaking my head in disappointment. “You never did learn to grow a pair, did you Fabes? All this proves to me is that you don’t know your own friend at all.”
“Armani, wait!” Keomi called out. “Are you…angry with us?”
“I’m not angry at you Keomi, I wasn’t there, I don’t know the pain that was caused by all that was said…or left unsaid. But I do know that I won’t keep this a secret from River, he deserves this.” I concluded, “He deserves consolation, he deserves a reason at least.”
“You’re right,” Keomi spoke, her bottom lip trembling and tears collecting in her eyes. “Tell him. Give him a reason, even if it may not be right, even if it’s only a half-truth. He deserves to know.”
“I will.” I nodded but just as I was about to turn on my heel, Fabian grabbed my hand once more. His eyes turned teary as well. “What?”
“Please. If you tell him, please tell him that I— that I’m sorry.” Fabian suggested and I nodded.
“You must be.” I acknowledged. “I would be.”
“If you know anything, then know this. Know that what happened to Jace, It haunts us all, lingers in our walls and whispers cruelties in our sleep. Know that if you feel bad, then we have felt awful always. That we were young, and thought we knew everything. Only to grow up and realise that we know nothing at all.” Keomi expressed. “We don’t want to lose you, you brought such light into our lives.”
“If you stray away from us because of this, we will understand, even if it’s for a very long time. But please know that we will hope that you come back, the door is always open. We meant everything we said, we may not be certain of much but we are all sure that we will always be your friends even if you may not want to be ours any more.” Fabian narrated.
And then I left.
A day or two later
It was New Year’s Eve and I was perched on the balcony wearing nothing but a pearl necklace around my neck. River had been painting me for almost an hour and I was getting bored. Don't get me wrong, I adored being his muse and it still gave me butterflies but I wanted to do something different that day, something fun. Then I remembered that I had my exhibit that afternoon and had to go to the bank to deposit the cash prize. I was happy about that, mostly because I wanted to distract myself for a few hours while I figured out how or if I should even tell him the truth about everything with Fabian. It would break him to find out that not only did his friends keep this secret from him but that there was a chance that Jace would still be here if Fabian hadn’t threatened him.
He was only just recovering you see, his sleep schedule was finally back on track and he was getting at least six hours of sleep every night. I would never tell him but it hurt me to watch him all those previous restless nights, having him fall asleep and wake up two hours later wasn't just draining for him but for me too. Because watching someone you love more than anything struggle with something that should be as simple as sleep takes a toll on you too. Only after he burned those paintings and letters from Jace did things start to get better, now I don't know exactly what that meant to him but it was almost like he was finally allowing himself to move on. And I didn't want to be the one to tell him the truth. That there was a missing piece to the puzzle that might help him.
