Into the Light, page 7
part #2 of Dark Angel Series
“Kate, I could have fucked up big time,” I spoke barely above a whisper.
“Yes, you could have. I knew you would regret this and Charlie would never in this lifetime forgive you for it despite the fact that you aren’t together.”
“But who’s to say she didn’t fuck Julian in the past week or even last night?” The words leaving my mouth were enough to allow the rage inside me to boil over once again.
“Because she wouldn’t. Both of you need to learn the meaning of trust because without it, how can you give yourself completely to another person?”
“There’s nothing left to give. I’m heading back to London tonight and staying put. Any New York work can be handled by you or even Peters. Yeah, send him over to handle the press of the new office.”
“Is this how you are going to leave it?”
“There’s no other option, she made that clear.”
“There always is, you just don’t want to open your eyes.” Maybe that was the case but I was sick of being in this love triangle. All I ever wanted was her, alone. No one else.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Thank you for stopping me last night but this topic is off limits, you understand?”
“Yes, sir.” She stood up and walked away, defeated. I was harsh and I knew she had good intentions. I wanted nothing more than to climb into my man cave, drink beer and watch reruns of Seinfeld all day. Fuck, I would do anything to erase all this mess right now.
…
“Hold still, Lex!”
I stood there on this podium-looking thing in the middle of Adriana’s guest bedroom. She placed pins along the hemline, circling both legs.
“Okay, done! Not bad, big bro.”
“I feel like a penguin. Why do the suits have these tail things?”
“Because it’s a classic tuxedo, you doofus.”
As I glanced around the room the three matching dresses caught my attention. One would have to be Charlotte’s, right? The wedding was just over a month away. There was no way of avoiding it. I would have to see her. And I would have to walk down the aisle with her. I would have to dance with her.
“I know what you’re thinking. You’ll have to see her in a little over a month, have to walk down the aisle with her, dance with her.”
“Seriously, Adriana, what the fuck?”
“I know, right? It appears as I’m getting older I’m becoming more psychic. Either that or you’re easier to read.” She packed up her pins and placed them in her sewing kit. Sitting on the floor cross-legged, she looked me in the face. I knew the look so I decided to avoid it by walking behind the screen and changing back into my jeans.
“Look, Lex, if I have to rearrange partners and stuff I can.”
“No Adriana, this is your wedding. Don’t change anything. We are adults. We can behave for a few hours.”
“Like six hours, Lex.”
“What! Your wedding goes on for six hours?”
“Well, eight if you include the ceremony.”
This is why I didn’t do weddings. I hated all this shit, it was just for show anyway. You don’t need to spend ridiculous amounts of money and invite hundreds of people to show how much you love each other. Fuck, eight hours of pretending to smile.
“Listen, I got a flight to catch. I better go.”
“To London?”
“Yeah. So look, I won’t see you till the wedding.”
“You’re not coming back to New York?”
“No, Adriana. Please don’t ask. Not now.” I headed out of the guest room to be greeted by a nervous Elijah. The guy looked like he was about to crap his pants. I wondered what his problem was. “I was just leaving, Elijah.”
“Listen, Lex…I um…well, there’s um…”
“What?” Frustrated, I pushed him aside.
She was here, in the living room.
“Sorry. I tried to warn you.”
I shot him back an annoyed look. He could have warned me if he wasn’t babbling on like a schoolgirl. She stood by the door, avoiding my eyes. She looked different. She was wearing these low cut jeans, a grey hoody that said Just Sweat and her converse. Her hair was tied back in a rough ponytail but it wasn’t her clothes that caught my attention, it was her face. It looked paler and even more tired than last night. There were dark circles around her eyes which looked swollen. She had been crying and I ached to just reach out and touch her, caress her face and take away the pain she was living, but I was the one that said it was over. I couldn’t go back on my words...could I? But she was my wife. To have and to hold till death do us part.
“Oh hey, Charlie. I thought you were coming after eight?” Adriana asked nervously.
She paused, staring down at the ground. “Sorry, Adriana, I have something on tonight. I hope you don’t mind, I just needed to do this fitting now.”
She had something on tonight after eight. Like a date? Or an all-night fucking session with Julian? My mind was going crazy. That guilt I had felt when I saw her eyes suddenly turned into rage and I knew I had to leave before I said something I would regret later. I kissed my sister goodbye and walked past Charlotte, not flinching for a moment. Closing the door behind me, I rushed for the closest cab, escaping as quickly as possible.
August 2005
I was lying in bed reading Time Magazine – the only thing keeping me sane these days. She walked into the room not saying a word. She removed her earrings, sorry, one earring. Why would she wear just one earring? She slid off her dress, her naked body reflected off the mirror. The bump was now evident which made me cringe every time I looked at it. Slipping her night gown on, she climbed into bed.
I was just about to ask her how her night out with the girls was when I smelled it: Brut.
I had my suspicions but what the fuck could I do? It wasn’t like I was innocent in all this. Hell, we only fucked once since we moved here and even then it was a fucking chore.
“Alex, we need to talk.” She looked down at her hands where I noticed the missing wedding ring.
“About the fact that you smell like Brut or that you are not wearing your wedding ring?”
She looked at me, her face turning from sad to bitter. “I don’t need a lecture. I fucked up, just like you did.”
I put the magazine down knowing all too well we would have this conversation again. No matter what I did she held my affair with Charlotte over my head. How the fuck were we supposed to raise a baby in this?
“Alex, the baby, it’s...” She broke down crying. It was rare to see her cry. Suddenly I felt guilty for treating her like shit.
“What’s wrong with the baby?”
“It’s not... It’s not yours,” she sobbed.
“What did you just say?” I was trying to control my temper but it was impossible, every thought swirling in my head. What the fuck did she say?
“It’s not your baby. I lied, I’m sorry! We didn’t make love that night. You were out drunk and I saw you. I saw you holding her. I saw the way you looked at her. I couldn’t handle it and, well Rodney was there.” She continued crying before reaching over to touch me.
“Don’t you dare touch me, Samantha! You fucking spiteful bitch! Do you know what I gave up for this baby? AND IT ISN’T EVEN MINE!” I could feel my body shaking, my fists clenched and without thinking I stood up and smashed my fist through the bathroom door, my hand throbbing in pain but the physical pain so much more bearable than the pain I felt in my chest, knowing I left Charlotte for this fucking bitch.
“I thought I was doing the right thing for our marriage. But no matter what it always comes back to her. I am so sick of living in her shadow. Do you know you talk in your sleep at night asking her to come back to you?! Do you know how it feels to be second best!” she screamed. “Rodney is different, he wants me. He wants our baby.” She had calmed down. Too bad I hadn’t.
“Fucking hell, Samantha, I LOST CHARLOTTE BECAUSE OF YOU!”
I went to my closet, changing into my jeans and sweater. I grabbed my overnight bag putting in some spare clothes. Leaning into the back of my closet, I rummaged around in my old football helmet. There, in a loose cavity in the lining, was the one thing I kept: a picture taken of her on prom night. I allowed myself after three months to finally look at the picture, my heart sinking as I didn’t expect the tsunami of emotions that came with seeing her face again, even if it was only a picture. Placing the final things in my bag, I walked out of the closet. Samantha was still sitting there on the bed sobbing.
“I’m so sorry, Alex,” she cried.
I walked over to her, my anger intensifying. I took my wedding ring off my finger and placed it on the bedside table. I left the house, knowing what I had to do.
I called my sister. I needed her right away. “Adriana, can you meet me at the airport in two hours? Bring your passport.”
“Yes, Alex.” She didn’t have to ask why. She was my sister and no one in the world knew me better than her.
Chapter 7
Charlie
They say if you love someone you’re supposed to set them free. What if it was the other way around? They set you free. Was I supposed to fly back? Or was I supposed to leave it up to fate? There was a high chance fate wasn’t on my side, my wings had been clipped and without them I couldn’t soar, couldn’t be free. This was me after Lex told me he was done.
The storm set in that night at the restaurant where I broke the heart of the one guy who actually loved me enough to want to be with me despite what I’d put him through. But it wasn’t fair, life wasn’t fair. Why didn’t I love Julian the same way I loved Lex? Life would have been easy then. Okay, so it wasn’t the love that set me on fire, but he was safe and solid. No past, no memories. But he deserved better than me, better than this rollercoaster I put him through. I did to him just what Lex had been doing to me. How could I cause so much pain when I knew firsthand how much it hurt to be treated like that?
It started to pour but I walked at a normal pace, the people around me scurrying for cover and looking at me like I belonged on another planet. But I didn’t care. It all felt so insignificant now. The cold rain drenching my barely covered body as the fabric of my dress clung to my skin, I shivered uncontrollably. As I entered my apartment, I made my way to the bathroom. Turning the bath on, I let the hot water steam up the room. I wiped the mirror with my hand to look at my face. My mascara had smeared under my eyes, my lipstick long gone, and my hair was a wild, tangled mess. I stripped out of my clothes and climbed into the hot bath, a small slice of heaven in a fucked up situation. Sinking down further I let it spread over my body. The warmth provided me with security for just a split second. But of course, the water slowly became cold and the reality hit me just as hard. I climbed out and made my way to the bedroom. Placing my pajamas on, I tucked myself in, willing myself to close my eyes.
It was the first night I cried myself to sleep.
The next day I did everything possible to keep myself busy. I went for a run, but without Kate it wasn’t the same. I did my laundry and my grocery shopping even though I had zero appetite. I cleaned my entire apartment and then watched three movies back-to-back hoping for some comedic relief. It was only 6 pm but I decided to go to Adriana’s early for the final fitting for my dress that she kept nagging me about. It wasn’t until about an hour ago that I realized I had promised Will I would watch the meteor shower with him on his rooftop at eight.
I welcomed the drive to Brooklyn, deciding to take my bike out. As I drove onto her street, I parked the bike, pulling my helmet off. Okay, Brooklyn wasn’t my favorite place to leave the bike, but I made friends with the thugs down the road last time I was here and they told me they had my back. Well, so far they did. I made my way up to her apartment and knocked on the door. Elijah answered the door but when he saw me his face looked panicked. I couldn’t blame him, I looked like fucking shit. There are just some things that makeup can’t cover!
“What are you doing here?” he asked, looking back into the living room.
“Fitting. Apparently I’ve lost weight and Bridezilla says I need to fatten up to fit back in the dress.”
“Oh right, the fitting. Wasn’t that supposed to be after eight?" Again he turned around; the sweat beads had formed on his forehead.
“Uh, yeah, but I have to see Will tonight so I was hoping to get this done early. Elijah, are you okay? Did I catch you in the middle of something?” OMG was Elijah having an affair and that’s why he was in a panic? I seriously needed to stop watching The Bold and the Beautiful.
“Just hang on a sec, Charlie...” He scurried out of the room leaving me to stand there confused by his odd behavior. It wasn’t long before I heard the familiar voice. Panicking, my body froze. I stood there unable to move, unable to run away like I so desperately wanted to. FUCK! It was him. I didn’t want to be here, but it was too late… His voice got closer and closer. He turned the corner and our eyes met for a brief second. Adriana panicked as well, asking me why I was early. I explained that I was busy tonight and in a flash he said goodbye to them (ignoring me) and walked out the door.
He looked amazingly beautiful.
And I missed him. So much.
My stomach was in knots when I realized how easy it was for him to ignore me. He truly was done and that inkling, that little ray of hope walked out the door with him. I was left standing there, mustering any bit of dignity I had left.
“Char… C’mon, let’s have tea before the fitting,” Adriana offered.
“When you said tea you meant vodka, right?”
She laughed and we walked into the kitchen as she boiled her kettle. I sat at the small round table, flipping aimlessly through a wedding magazine that lay in front of me. The pictures were all one big blur. I needed a distraction, anything to stop me from remembering the way he looked, the way he gave up on me again.
“We won’t talk about him.”
“Thank you.” It was all I could manage to say.
She led me to her guest room where I changed into my dress. I couldn’t help but look over at the suits that were hanging on the rack, especially the one with the post-it note that said ‘Lex’.
“Adriana, when did you really know Elijah was the one?”
She took the pins out of her mouth and placed them back into her sewing box. “I think it was my first year of college. I mean, yeah, I always fantasized about marrying him and I sure did love him but, you know, it was high school and I was only eighteen. Then the first year of college was rough. We were apart and I had lost you. Lex had gone AWOL and I really felt alone. I made some friends on campus and there was this one guy, Matthew. He was great, your typical college guy, he was sweet and a great friend. One day he made a move and I froze. I didn’t see him that way and I apologized that I gave him the wrong impression. Of course being a great guy he understood but then I asked myself what made me stop. And then I realized Elijah was the only one who’d ever kissed me, the only one who had ever touched me and I didn’t want that to change. I knew I wanted him for the rest of my life but, you know, trying to propose to a guy takes balls.”
“You proposed to Elijah?”
“No, although I was close to doing it. He proposed to me. It was our second year of college and he was studying art. I never really saw much of his work because it was very private to him. One day he invited me to have dinner in his dorm room. Not the most romantic of settings but of course he decked it out with a million candles. Anyways, he said he wanted to show me what his assignment was, it was supposed to be something that captured you. He pulled the curtain away and there was this black and white painting. It was me. But the thing was it looked so familiar, the scene, and then he told me it was when we used to sit by the lake and watch the sunrise. We never took photos of that time but he told me he knew he loved me even back then and that image would forever be engrained in his memory. I was touched, of course, but what caught my eye was that the portrait of me sitting by the lake had something different. There was a wedding band in the painting. It stood out because everything was black and white but the band...it was gold. I started to cry and then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.”
“Oh my God, Adriana. That’s so sweet. You guys are soul mates, you know that right?”
“I wouldn’t marry him if I didn’t think so myself.” She grinned.
It was well after midnight when I crawled into bed that night. The fitting went well and according to Adriana I’d gain a few (like I needed another reminder of why my boobs no longer felt comfortable in my one hundred-dollar Victoria’s Secret bra). I couldn’t get her story out of my mind. Sometimes things are just meant to be, you don’t really need to work at it. I don’t know why but the thought kept plaguing me as well as the way Lex ignored me. His face tonight, the way he avoided looking at me, the way he couldn’t even say a word to me made my stomach queasy. The images, the memories of us standing in that gazebo saying ‘I do’. He was my husband and it hurt like fucking hell that he had forgotten that. Now what? Do we get a divorce? Annulment? Was is actually valid?
It was the second night I cried myself to sleep.
I spent the majority of the week with Will, taking him to school, picking him up from school. Taking him to the park, museum and library, practically visiting every part of New York. Bulls encouraged me to take the week off since my cases were quiet, and I gladly welcomed the break.
I couldn’t shake how ill I felt. I barely slept, waking up in hot and cold sweats. The vomiting hadn’t stopped so I narrowed it down to Will’s bug. I was sent home by Bulls faster than you could say ‘vomit bug’. That was Monday. By Tuesday I was told to not even step foot in the office. I hated being home alone. It gave me too much time to think. By Wednesday I had gone insane and I didn’t feel any better. I dragged my ass to the drug store to buy whatever I could to stop this. I waited for the pharmacist who was busy talking to a lady who looked like she was about to pop out an elephant. I half smiled at her as she rubbed her belly and complained to the pharmacist about the terrible heartburn she was having. I wasn’t really listening to her but something about her, I just couldn’t look away. Despite her complaint her face glowed; her long red hair had that shine, the one they always say pregnant ladies have. Her loose dress sat comfortably over her stomach and of course her ankles were as swollen as tree trunks. She looked beautiful…and then it hit me like a ton of bricks laced with acid.
