Witches Be Crazy, page 31
“Er, mister Dungar … Do you need help working out your anger issues … ?”
“Nope.” The blacksmith answered flatly. “I just did.”
“You blithering idiots just don’t get it, do you?!” The voice of Rainchild piped up behind them. Whirling around, Dungar now saw the form of a new man wearing Rainchild’s blood stained clothing.
“I’m all but invincible to you meddling worms!” He continued. “By merely mumbling a word or two I can simply change into another form before you can kill me! I mean you did just shatter the jaw of my main form so now I need to start cultivating my social ties all over again, but the fact still remains I am far from beaten!”
He began to pace and murmur to himself, causing his body to morph once more. This time it settled in the form of Dungar, complete with narrowed eyes and bared teeth.
“Rawr, me smash everything!” He mockingly impersonated the blacksmith. “I’m incapable of doing anything else!”
The true Dungar reacted by throwing a wild haymaker at his reflection. However, Rainchild ducked the swing and threw a right cross in retaliation, causing Dungar to feel what it was like to be hit by one of his fists. It was not pleasant. He staggered backwards rubbing at his face yet feeling oddly proud to know his swings hurt that much.
“Ye may find yerself having a wee bit o’ difficulty trying to speak—” Nobeard began, drawing his sword. “—without a head.”
Mumbling to himself once more, Rainchild strode casually over to the pirate. By the end of his short walk, his form had changed yet again into that of a marbalt.
“Yarrr, matey!” He taunted in a bizarre gravelly voice, head split in half and looking like a puppet. “And how do ye propose to dislodge me cranium?”
Nobeard grimaced at the rocky creature before him, clearly not aware of what he was looking at. At the lack of response, Rainchild shrugged and then ate the blade of the sword pointed at him.
“Whoa.” Rose exclaimed. “I didn’t know marbalts were able to talk.”
“Well there’s a lot you don’t know, you naïve little wench!” Rainchild declared as he spun around to face her, taking her form as well. “In fact you’re probably the most useless member of this ragtag group of misfits. Why are you even here? Do you think some ability to recall factoids from library books makes you useful? Do you think it makes you intelligent? My god, girl, it’s clear as day to everyone here that you’re nothing more than dead weight with a penchant for trivia.”
“Wizard!” Gilly yelled at him as she drew her sword. “I’ll have you know that I am still armed and able to lop off your head faster than you can mumble your magic words.”
“And yet you still haven’t!” Rainchild snapped back at her. Gilly pointed her sword at him threateningly, but he was completely unfazed by it as he changed shape once again. Gilly watched powerlessly as a perfect replica of herself casually walked towards her and slowly pushed her sword away.
“Pathetic slaves to faith like yourself are the easiest to deal with of all.” Rainchild scoffed as he looked her up and down. “You’re all completely devoid of individuality. I’ve memorized all the tenets of your adorable faith, all the obligations you must uphold to pay lip service to your precious goddess. So long as I’m not a direct threat to you, you are even less of a threat to me than your crying counterpart that I just tore to pieces.”
He paused briefly to glance back at Rose who was futilely trying to disguise her crushed self-esteem. Satisfied that his harsh words had hit home, he turned back to Gilly to finish his bullying rhetoric.
“It’s always a shame when you come across a scenario that your precious book of values doesn’t tell you how to resolve isn’t it?”
Gilly looked at him with clenched teeth but ultimately lowered her sword. Instead, she moved to go console her sister.
“Oooh, do me next! Do me next!” Jimminy insisted, bouncing up and down excitedly.
Trading Gilly’s bright blue eyes and short blonde hair for Jimminy’s beady brown optical organs and long black bushy locks, Rainchild strutted over to his next victim.
“Oh blimey, mista mate!” He exclaimed, waving his arms and parodying Jimminy’s accent. “There’s not a whole lot I can say to tear down someone who is completely devoid of respectability to begin with. Out of all the deserving individuals who could capitalize on immortality and an army of servants, it is truly depressing such a boon was wasted upon a dim-witted imbecile like yourself.”
“Blimey I’m handsome.” Jimminy smiled to himself, looking his reflection up and down. “I missed wot you said, mate. I was lost in me eyes.”
Futilely attempting to contort Jimminy’s naturally cheerful face into a frown, Rainchild opened his mouth to speak. However, all that came out was a muffled “Hurk—”
Everyone watched in bewilderment as the wizard’s eyes began to bulge and his boney fingers grasped at his throat. His face quickly became flushed as muffled choking sounds began to emanate from his mouth. Within seconds he had fallen to his knees, his eyes and lips swollen and his arms flailing around.
“What in the six crystals is going on?!” Koey exclaimed. “Who did this to him?!”
“He’s the only wizard here!” Dungar fired back. “None of us could do this to him.”
“I don’t think this is magic.” Rose offered urgently. “I think he’s in anaphylaxis!”
“ENGLISH, ROSE!”
“I … uh … he’s … choking?!”
“On what?!” Koey demanded.
“Well no … It’s … His body reacting to something!”
By this point Rainchild had fallen to the ground, tongue protruding from his mouth. Everyone stared open mouthed at his now motionless body.
“Huh.” Jimminy mused. “So that’s wot I look like dying.”
“What did you do to him, Jimmy?”
“I don’t know, mate. I just said I wasn’t even paying attention.”
“Rosie, what just happened to him?” Gilly grilled her sister.
“I … I don’t know!” She stammered. “Maybe something stung him? That usually only happens when something your body can’t handle is introduced to your system. Remember what happened to that lady that ate the peanuts?”
“But he didn’t eat any peanuts, Rosie.”
“He ate cheese.” Dungar stated, staring down at the body.
Everyone stopped for a moment to look at the body, then back to Rose.
“Uh. Maybe? I’ve read about people having bad reactions to lactose.”
“Are you serious?!” Koey exclaimed incredulously. “After everything we just went through, all of his scheming and evil powers we had to overcome, and he died from lactose intolerance?!”
“Well technically it would be an allergy, not an intolerance.” Rose clarified. “But it does appear that way, yes.”
“I say.” Jimminy mused. “That was statistically improbable.”
“Wait.” Koey interjected. “Why did it just kill him now then!?”
“Well, I have no idea how the inner workings of a shapeshifter … well … work.” Rose began tentatively. She then looked at Jimminy. “If you’re allergic to dairy products then he probably reacted to the cheese that was already inside him when he turned into you.”
“Oh right, I am allergic to that cow business.” Jimminy exclaimed, smacking himself in the head. “Never liked the way it tasted anyway.”
“This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Koey grumbled, folding her arms and looking away.
“Aye. And yet here it be.” Nobeard affirmed with a shrug.
“Cut his head off just to make sure.” Koey ordered Gilly.
“Without just cause I cannot bring myself to deface a corpse.” She informed the queen gravely.
“I’ll do it!” Jimminy excitedly offered, decapitating the body with his katana before anyone gave a response. Sickeningly, the head rolled away from its body just as it did the first time Jimminy was beheaded. He eagerly chased after his head as the rest of the company looked on in disgust.
“I look so surprised!” He exclaimed as he poked the head’s swollen face. “Can I keep it?!” He asked the group.
Koey sighed. “I still can’t believe any of this, but I don’t have time to dwell on it. I still have the matter of my treasonous subjects to deal with.”
Without another word, she began making her way through the dark forest back to the castle, the rest of the party following suit. No one had anything left to say; all that was left was to let the situation sink in.
Dungar looked over to Jimminy who was having difficulty trying to determine the proper etiquette for carrying a dismembered head. Eventually he pulled all the hair back into a pony tail and used it like a handle. He found himself sharing a similar sentiment as his friend towards Rainchild’s body. The thought of a dismembered corpse of the wizard was so satisfying he wished he could have it taxidermized so he could carry it around and use it as a stress reliever.
Stuffed or not, the death of Rainchild was an enormous load off of his mind. He agreed with Koey that the nature of the man’s death was one of the dumbest things he’d ever witnessed. However, dumb as the death was, it had been a pretty dumb day and a pretty dumb trip and it was oddly satisfying to see it all wrapped up in one big fat fittingly dumb conclusion.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Resolving, Absolving, and Evolving
By the time they had cleared the forest a clear night sky loomed over them. As he looked up at the stars, Dungar couldn’t help but wonder if they were indeed the garden of lights of lore. Looking at Gilly, it was clear there was no question of the sort in her mind as she too gazed skyward. He found himself ever so slightly jealous of her surety.
Despite his many brushes with it, he had never really given death much thought. He had always assumed it would simply happen when it happened and there would be nothing he could do about it anyway. However the world was no longer as simple to approach as he once found it to be. It was a sprawling place filled with things beyond his imagination that no story had ever done justice. After experiencing such a small part of it he found himself compelled to wonder what may lay in the rest of it, let alone beyond. Now he knew how Rose felt.
“It’s interesting, you know!” Rose thought out loud, breaking the silence of the group. She looked around expectantly, hoping someone would ask her what was. But no one bothered, they just looked at her and waited for her to carry on of her own accord.
“I know this is real life.” She continued. “But it played out just like my favorite stories! The good guys rallied together to defeat the big evil wizard guy even after he tried to overpower them and divide them! It’s just like a fairy tale!”
Everyone looked at her curiously before dispersing confused glances amongst themselves.
“Alright well …” Rose qualified hastily. “Yeah there was no mystical prophecy, or prince charming, or wise old wizard, or romance …” She glanced shyly at Nobeard before continuing. “But still—”
“Let us not disregard the fact my kingdom was still pushed to the verge of collapse.” Koey interjected. “My entire town guard was massacred and my subjects are all against me.”
“And my original plan was to kill the queen, not save her.” Dungar added.
“And our salvation only resulted from our savior having uncontrollable anger issues.” Gilly also added as she nodded sheepishly towards Dungar.
“And Jaunty died like five times!” Nobeard pointed out.
“Nah, three, mate!” Jimminy corrected with a grin as he booped his severed head’s nose. “… That I’m aware of.” He then added as he looked up thoughtfully.
“But you guys are all missing the point!” Rose insisted. “Rainchild failed because he was so busy pointing out the flaws in all of us that he failed to see his own! He saw himself as a perfect mastermind who was impervious to defeat while we knowingly embraced ourselves as flawed people, using both our flaws and our strengths to overcome his adversity. That is why we triumphed and he failed!”
Everyone stopped for a moment to let her words sink in and be considered. The faint sounds of wildlife were all that was heard as each surviving member of the fellowship considered their role in the preceding plot. Dungar quite liked the notion as it was presented, though he wasn’t quite sure if he bought it or not. The brief period of reflection was cut short by Jimminy’s penchant for silence shattering.
“I’m pretty sure he failed because he died, mate.”
“And one should not be obliged to take credit when they may not be privy to all the unseen forces that may have come to their aid.” Gilly added.
“Oh you guys are hopeless.” Rose sighed. “Whatever. I finally have a story of my own to write! But I’ll have to get a bit of background somehow. Like how he managed to overthrow Farrawee.”
“Well I can tell you that.” Dungar grunted, thinking back to his conversation with Stranger. “He posed as the queen in order to lure the king’s attention and then probably used some of his stupid magic to put the king under his spell to do his bidding.”
Koey nodded with pursed lips, looking down at the ground.
“See that’s the thing, though.” Rose mused. “Rainchild was a shapeshifter, his only magic consisted of changing the makeups of his body or things around him. So if he influenced the king to do his bidding somehow then it couldn’t have involved magic.”
“Perhaps he transformed into the king?” Nobeard offered.
“No no, that can’t be right.” Koey cut in. “The intent of his exploits in Farrawee was to frame me, so he had to have been very public that I was manipulating the strings somehow. I’m not sure how he managed to accomplish that. King Sheen was not a dumb man, in fact the only thing he was really known for was …”
Her voice trailed off as a look of pure unbridled horror spread across her face. Dungar grimaced as he put it together and arrived at the same conclusion. Everyone else, however, continued to look on in confusion.
“… What?” Rose finally asked.
“OH MY GOD HE MADE ME A WHORE!!!!” The queen shrieked into the night.
“Blimey.” Jimminy exclaimed. “Perhaps we oughtta call him Rainchild Kinghumper, eh, mate?” He chuckled and nudged Dungar as he said it. His laughter was cut short by a sharp look from Koey.
“Erm…” He stammered. “Or we could never talk about it ever again?”
“See to it that you don’t.”
“For wot it’s with, me lady, everyone else who knew is probably dead!”
His grin weakened as he surveyed the uncomfortable expressions around him.
“Oh right, people are dead now …”
“I’m so confused!” Rose proclaimed loudly.
“Ye best leave it alone, lass.” Nobeard advised her. “I don’t think any of yer stories would have covered anything like this.”
No other conversation was had as they climbed the torch lit hill towards the familiar castle gate and made their way into the confines of the walls. Eerily, the main entrance was just as empty as it was when they first arrived, even with no commotion left taking place. The “Law Resistonce” graffiti was now crossed out and underneath it now read “Law Resisted!” However the latter graffiti also had a line through it and underneath it, in different writing, read “Please stop painting on my wall.”
The group made their way down the charred streets and into the main square where the riot had taken place several hours before. Much to their amazement, the crowd was still there. In the wake of the chaos, after the guards left, they appeared to have banded together and taken it upon themselves to clean up the mess that was made. The burnt carts were now all neatly stacked in a bonfire that lit the area as detachments of citizens swept away debris and cleaned up blood. However, at first sight of their queen, all carried items were immediately dropped.
“The witch whore has returned!!”
“She must have defeated Rainchild!”
“Burn her in the bonfire!”
“People please!” Koey yelled to them as she hopped on the remnants of the stage and raised her arms. “Before you take up your arms I beg for your ears!”
Grumbles of disdain echoed from the crowd as citizens as they gathered menacingly around her. But they stayed their advance, even if only temporarily.
“I do not wish to presume upon your intelligence!” The would-be deposed queen insisted, struggling to reason with her subjects. “However there has been much trickery afoot in recent days! I understand your scorn for witchcraft; therefore I must inform you that the man to whom you entrusted the task of vanquishing me was a practitioner himself.”
“We know!” One of the citizens called out. “That’s why we needed him to kill you.”
“Wh- What?” Koey stammered in bewilderment. “You’re permissive of magic? Then why did you want me killed?!”
“Because you’re a witch!” The crowd roared unanimously.
“So is he!”
A low buzzing swept over the crowd as they debated with themselves.
“No, he’s a wizard.” One of them eventually called out. “There’s a difference. Wizards are good and witches are bad!”
“They’re the same thing!” Koey insisted.
The crowd buzzed amongst themselves once more.
“Alright then!” Somebody shouted. “Burn the witch … AND THE WIZARD!”
“BURN THE WITCH AND THE WIZARD! BURN THE WITCH AND THE WIZARD!”
“The wizard’s already dead, mates!” Jimminy called to the group as he too jumped on the stage. “I got his head right here!”
“Hey they saved us from the wizard! They’re alright after all!”
“Elect them our new king and queen!”
“But the princess is still a witch!”
“Oh yeah …”
“Burn the witch! Burn the witch!”
“Is that guy holding his own head?”
