Witches Be Crazy, page 17
Nobeard laughed heartily as he put a hand on Dungar’s shoulder. “Impressive feat there, lad!” He acknowledged. Then he leaned in close so only Dungar could hear him. “But trust me when I say ye don’t scare me. By the way, how did ye get here so fast?”
“I took a shortcut.” Dungar explained, pointing at the hole in the wall that he was thrown through.
“Well regardless of how ye made it here, ye be here now. So let us continue with the treasure hunting. We be getting close now.”
The party of seven headed set off once more down yet another ominous passageway. Dungar and Nobeard led as Blaine, Finn, Ozzy, Larry, and Jimminy walked together in a group.
“So what happened to the rest of your mateys, mates?” Jimminy questioned the pirates.
“Well after you two left, we real pirates figured it was a better idea to look for Larry.” Finn explained as they walked. “We all started to lose it after a while though. By the time we found Larry, who was just laying down in the middle of the floor for some reason, we had already lost Wally, Ozzy, Shane, and Blaine.”
“I already told ya that I was laying in a bed!” Larry chastised him. “It was an enormous and comfy bed made entirely out of pillows. It was bliss, I tell ya!”
“And we already told you that it wasn’t real!” Ozzy admonished back. “Just like mine wasn’t either.” He added with a sigh.
“What did you see, mate?” Jimminy asked him.
Ozzy’s mouth curled into a satisfied smile as his eyes retreated to their corners and his teeth subtly bit down on his lower lip. Before he could respond, though, Blaine cut in.
“Trust me, lad, I know Ozzy here pretty well. Well enough to know that whatever temptation lured him in is not one you’d be wanting to hear about.”
“So what about you then, ya blind knowitall?” Finn mocked. “You can’t even see your own ugly mug in a mirror, so what did you feel?”
Blaine smiled to himself as well while the group continued to walk down the windy hallway. “There is no description for what I felt, lads. There be no sights, sounds, or smells which I could convey to ye with a coherent description. But I’ll tell ye this, though. I felt powerful.”
“This be the place, buccaneers!” Nobeard loudly called to the group, causing everyone’s heads to turn forward.
They stood before a large wooden door, heavily adorned with vines and flowers.
“Behind this here door lays the treasure we all seek.” Nobeard advised the crew as he gingerly reached into his shirt and produced a golden key. “This key is the only device that is capable of unlocking it. It was swallowed many a decade ago by a sea critter within the lake, and trust me, yer mind would be blown by the amount of days I spent fishing up the little bastards until I found it! All of that work will have paid off when I retrieve the fortune hidden behind this door though.”
Slowly he put the key in the lock, but before he turned it he cried out a mighty “Yarrrrr!” and drew both his swords on the party. Shocked and terrified, everyone jumped backwards out of the sharp steel’s reach. None of them took an aggressive stance, they all poised themselves to run away if the need to arose. Nobeard howled with enthusiastic laughter as he sheathed his swords.
“Sorry about that, mateys!” He apologized to the group. “If any of ye were going to betray me and take the treasure fer yerselves then that woulda been the perfect opportunity! So I figured I’d get the jump on you first!”
He continued to laugh to himself as he casually turned the key and pushed the door open. Inside was a small room with no floor and instead just a long pole leading into an abyss.
“Now I know what you’re thinking, lads.” The captain asserted as he grasped the pole. “Jumping into a dark hole while you’re exploring a magical hallucinogenic tree is about as ridiculous of an idea as cheating in a game of dice against a pirate with anger problems and a couple screws loose.”
Blaine acknowledged the comparison with a grunt of approval.
“But if ye want yerselves a piece of my sweet sweet booty then it be time to throw caution to the wind and plunge deep into this hole!”
And just like that, Nobeard courageously leapt onto the pole and slid down it into the ominous depths. Dungar was a lot less hesitant than he thought he would be. He figured with all the outrageous things he’d been put through today it was best to just not question Nobeard’s orders anymore. He had no idea how long he slid, it felt like hours, but he was relieved when his feet finally hit floor. He found himself right in the middle of yet another large circular room. However, this one was not entirely empty. On the far side, just as Nobeard had assured, there was indeed a large treasure chest on a pedestal.
As soon as everyone from the fellowship had made it into the room, a spotlight of sunshine shot from the ceiling and onto the treasure chest while a choir of soprano voices could be heard singing from an unknown location. Each member from the crew, naturally with the exception of Blaine, had their eyes transfixed on the treasure chest, giddy over the idea of what was inside. Nobeard, however, was looking around the room unimpressed.
“Huh.” He grunted disapprovingly. “I expected there to be at least some kind of final boss fight or something.”
He paused for a moment, hoping that his foreshadowing comment would maybe trigger something. But alas, he was not granted such a boon. With a dejected shrug, he strolled over to the chest and proceeded to open it.
“What do ye reckon is inside here, mateys?” Nobeard asked the crew as he fiddled with the lock. “Gold? Jewels? Weapons? Ah I can’t even contain me excitement!”
Before he had the clasps unlatched, though, another pirate fell from the ceiling and joined the crew. That pirate was none other than Eye-gougin’ Hugo Bonny.
“I should more than suffice as your ‘boss fight,’ captain!” He sneered at Nobeard. His features were every bit as sharp, and his hair every bit as oily as it ever was. The only aspect of him that had changed was his eyes which now emitted a sinister green glow.
Unimpressed, Nobeard turned back to him. “Ye timed yer entrance awfully, sailor. I’d already changed the topic since I mentioned that boss fight business, so trying to respond to it that late with a one liner just makes ye sound like a dumbass.”
“… What?” The bewildered Hugo asked.
“I’m just saying, matey, if ye wanted to make a cool entrance with a one-liner then ye gotta be fast enough to respond to the comment that prompts ya.”
“I’d trust him, Hugo.” Finn added. “He’s proven himself to be the most eloquent guy in this room.”
“Now hold up there, lads,” Blaine weighed in. “I’ve proven my ability to turn a phrase many a time during our voyages.”
“I know you gentlemen haven’t been acquainted with me all that long.” Jimminy interrupted. “But I think I should be considered as a contender for this particular title too!”
“Shut up, ye stupid little bilge rats! I’m the captain, so I’m automatically the best spoken. End of discussion!”
“ARE YOU GOING TO FIGHT ME OR NOT?!” Hugo screamed.
“Are ye waiting fer my permission or something?” Nobeard chided. “Come at me, ye sissy!”
As Hugo walked briskly towards him, the pirate captain removed his overcoat to reveal the tight pink sleeveless muscle shirt that lay beneath. The black overcoat Nobeard wore certainly did his physique no justice. After the garment was removed, his body was revealed to be something that could only be described as nothing less than hairy and hulking. Tufts of jet black chest hair could be seen sticking out from the top of his shirt as he flexed his pecs and cracked his equally hairy knuckles.
He was impressively agile for his size as well. Hugo lunged at him with a barrage of swings which Nobeard dodged with seemingly little effort before he grabbed the weaselly looking man’s arm at the wrist with one hand then used his free arm’s elbow to snap Hugo’s arm clean in half.
Dungar was mesmerized as he watched Nobeard viciously yet meticulously bash the entranced Hugo into a pulp. There were absolutely no wasted movements in the captain’s actions. Every punch, every kick, every blow delivered from each part of his body quickly moved into a follow up strike or a counter or a dodge. After breaking Hugo’s arm, Nobeard deftly leaned out of the way of his opponent’s frantic uppercut before responding with a right knee to the stomach, left knee to the face, foot stomp, and throat punch before kicking the pirate’s legs out from underneath him and punching him square in the nose as he fell sending him spinning to the ground.
The fight was over even faster than the conversation that preceded it. The crewmen gingerly gathered around the pirate captain as he kept Hugo pinned to the ground with his boot. The captain wasn’t ready to finish him off quite yet.
“As you know, my dear Hugo,” Nobeard mused nonchalantly as Hugo futilely tried to lift the man’s boot of his neck. “I’m not one who is quick to kill me own crew. Now I know this here wizard tree, seductive little minx that she is, has managed to worm her way into your brain. But after we take this treasure and get out of this place I promise ye will get better, forget all about her, and return to yer proper pirating ways.”
Hugo, like a rabid animal, continued to convulse beneath Nobeard’s foot as he gazed up at his former captain with hate in his eyes.
“I am indebted to this tree!” He spat. “It was there to save my life when the rest of you were content to leave me to drown! It has promised me life! And vengeance! Every desire that I could ever seek and that you could never provide!”
Nobeard shrugged. “Well that may be true, but it comes at the cost of yer freedom, lad. Life has itself no satisfaction if everything be given to you for free! Accompany us back to the real world. Everything you could ever desire is out there too, but I won’t be serving it to ye on a silver platter. Tis better to dish yer own plate in this life, that way ye won’t have to eat any veggies if ye don’t wanna.”
“My life …” Hugo breathed as his resistance began to wane. “Belongs to the wizard tree now! My purpose is to protect it, and die for it if need be!”
As he said those words, Blaine reached over and grabbed both of Nobeard’s swords off of his back.
“If dying for this tree is what ye wish, matey, then I’ll be happy to oblige ya!” Blaine gibed before the blind pirate stabbed both of the captain’s swords through Hugo’s eyes.
Nobeard sighed as he turned to Blaine. “Yes yes, through the eyes, how very clever and poetic, sailor. But I was right in the middle of reasoning with the poor, misguided lad.”
Blaine drew both swords from the lifeless skull of his former comrade.
“I have no time for poetry or reasoning, captain.” He stated coldly in his gravelly voice. After he did so, he then stabbed both of the swords he pilfered from Nobeard into the torso of Ozzy and snapped off both hilts.
The old, quivering man was so shocked that he couldn’t even react. He just stared disbelievingly down at the two pieces of folded steel jutting out of his chest. His hands shook and his knees buckled as his body quickly began to fail on him. Ozzy the Old managed one last pleading look to his beloved crew before his deadlights dimmed and his long pirating career reached its tragic end.
The five survivors of the original crew of ten gaped at the scene, mortified by what they had just witnessed.
“Don’t be so shocked, captain, you just said it yourself. I’m just dishing up my plate,” Blaine mused forebodingly. “And a meal as delicious as this one isn’t meant to be shared.” He added as he removed both eye patches to reveal a brand new pair of glowing green eyes.
SEVENTEEN
The Blind Who Led the Sightless
Everyone stood in stunned silence. Not only had Blaine turned on the remaining crew members, but by taking away Nobeard’s swords he had left them completely unarmed as well. The sunlight shining on the treasure chest bathed that side of the room in light while Blaine stood alone in the darker half. He was outnumbered, but he had weapons, magically enhanced strength and fortitude, and a newly restored sense of vision.
Until he saw Blaine’s face uninhibited by the eye patches, Dungar had never really noticed what an imposing figure the pirate was. He was slightly shorter and slenderer than Nobeard, but his posture and manner in which he carried himself gave the impression of a man of superb physical condition and solidity. It’s remarkable what one can overlook when they’re distracted by a man’s disability.
“I know this is a really inappropriate time to say this:” Jimminy whispered. “But remember earlier when I was the only one who happened to inquire as to whether or not this fellow was actually blind?”
“Now is not the best time to say ‘I told you so’, Jimmy!” Dungar exasperatedly whispered back.
“Oh is that so, Mista Dungar? When do you propose would be a better time?”
“Shut up, both of you!” Nobeard hissed.
Clearing his throat, the pirate captain slowly moved towards Blaine, positioning himself between the traitor and the rest of his crew. He took his time as he moved, making each step slow and deliberate as he surveyed his surroundings and sized up the corrupted pirate that was currently staring him down. He was at a significant disadvantage, but one would think he didn’t even know it by the way he coolly moved around.
“Are ye sure ye wish to do this laddy?” Nobeard condescended, nodding slightly towards the body of Hugo. “I mean, ye did just see what happened to the last man who tried.”
Blaine reached down and produced two long, shiny kukri knives from the scabbards on his belt. He then twirled them around in a series of flashy flourishes, all the while staring down Nobeard with a look of superiority.
“Don’t compare me to Hugo, captain. Especially Hugo when he’s unarmed and useless.”
Nobeard shrugged. “Fair point. But it’s like you just heard me say to Hugo, lad, none of—”
“Don’t tell me none of this is real!” Blaine cut him off. “You see that treasure over there? You see these eyes on my face? They’re real, Nobeard. They’re real, and there’s no other way to get them without this tree! Not even you can deny that.”
Nobeard had no response. He just gazed at Blaine’s new green eyes. Dungar waited, hoping the pirate captain could come up with some sort of diplomacy between the two. But there was no reasoning to be had. How could one possibly talk a formerly blind man into giving up a chance to see again?
“Alright, Blaine.” Nobeard finally spoke. “Stay here with the tree as its defender if ye must. Let it grant ye all the boons ye could ever desire. But if I be not mistaken, your role as defender is simply to protect the tree from harm and exploitation.” Nobeard turned and gestured towards the treasure chest. “This treasure is not of this tree, and fer us to take it would pose no danger to yer precious tree whatsoever. Everybody wins.”
Silence. Dungar, Jimminy, Finn, and Larry all waited in bated breath as they watched the standoff between the Nobeard and Blaine. Nobeard stood stone faced as he patiently awaited Blaine’s response. Stoic as the man tried to appear, Dungar could see the unmistakable subtle earmarks of worry and uncertainty. If the pirate captain was worried then it was generally a sign that there was something worth worrying about.
“Oh, captain.” Blaine smiled. “It’s like you just said, nothing this tree can conjure for me is real. So why would I let real treasure slip right through my grasp?”
“Wait, wot does the treasure mean in this metaphor?” Jimminy whispered to Dungar.
“This isn’t a metaphor, Jimmy. He said he’s going to kill us and take the treasure.” Dungar muttered back.
“They aren’t talking in metaphors? Then wot was the serving each other supper thing all about?”
Dungar sighed as he put a hand over his face.
“Before you do this then, Blaine, there’s one other thing.” Nobeard called out. He took another step towards Blaine so he was now almost within the man’s reach. “What about all those nights we’ve had at sea over the last several years?”
Dungar and Jimminy halted their discussion and turned back towards the two pirates.
“I faked it every time.” Blaine informed him with a smirk.
“What?!” Dungar and Jimminy blurted out.
“You are one evil, deceitful, corrupt, rapacious son of a bitch!!” Nobeard screamed into his face. Then the pirate captain fell to his knees and his voice began to shake. “But how could you lie to me like that?” He pleaded pitifully to Blaine.
“Oh get up you simpering bastard, you’re embarrassing yourself.” Blaine condescended as he used one of his knives to tip Nobeard’s chin back upwards to him. As soon as he felt the blade touch his skin, Nobeard reacted like lightning. In three swift movements he ripped the knife from Blaine’s hand, elbowed him in the ribs, and slashed him across the face with the blade.
As Blaine recoiled backwards, Nobeard hopped to his feet and addressed the remainder of his crew. “Alright, lads, there be some bombs in me coat. While I hold him off, I need ye to blow a hole in the tree wall and get the treasure out of here.”
“Captain, we’re underground!” Dungar informed him. “Blowing a hole in the wall won’t get us anywhere.”
“DO AS I TELL YE!” The captain commanded him before he leapt at Blaine.
Dungar could hear the grunts and yells of exertion coming from the two men, as well as the occasional metallic clash, but he paid it no mind. He immediately started to leaf through Nobeard’s black overcoat until he found a small bundle of grapefruit sized iron balls.
“How do I light them?!” Dungar called to the captain.
“Just throw them, lad!”
Obediently, Dungar turned and whipped one at the wall of the tree. Sure enough, as soon as it hit its mark, the grenade exploded leaving a small hole in the wood. Oddly enough, daylight seemed to be shining through it. Looking to widen their exit, Dungar hurled more and more at the opening until it was large enough for a person and the treasure chest to pass through.
Soon as the opening was made, Finn and Jimminy grabbed the chest and took off through it, Larry following right behind them. Dungar made a move to the exit too, but he looked back at Nobeard and Blaine who were still locked in combat. Now that he had a weapon of his own, Nobeard stood a fighting chance against his entranced adversary. However the differences in physicality were evident as Nobeard slowly began to tire while Blaine still retained his magically enhanced vigor.
