Witches Be Crazy, page 30
“I’m afraid he’s right, Rosie.” Gilly sheepishly admitted as she pushed the metal blade away and moved towards the other diamond sword. But Rose leapt in front of her, blocking her path.
“Don’t any of you know anything?!” She lectured them urgently. “Do you even know what hardness means?!”
Everyone shared uneasy looks with one another before turning back to Rose looking mildly embarrassed.
She sighed and smacked her forehead. “The covalent crystalline structure of diamond minerals results in a rigidity that eliminates any capacity for flexion!!”
Her audience stared at her completely blank faced.
“THEY WILL SHATTER WHEN YOU SMACK THEM!”
Her three allies all glanced back to Rainchild. Although the wizard attempted to hide his consternation, the faint frown on his face indicated he had not considered that tidbit of information.
“I love having a brilliant little sister!” Gilly exclaimed triumphantly, grinning ear to ear as she took the steel sword from Rose.
“You’re still hopelessly outnumbered!” The wizard snarled. “Even with weapons you don’t stand a chance!”
Koey retrieved the other diamond sword from the ground and dug the point of it into his chest.
“For your own sake you had better hope you’re wrong, you treasonous malefactor!” She threatened him as she slowly applied more force to the blade boring into him. “For if we do not survive this battle, then I will personally see to it that you do not either!”
Dungar grabbed one of the knight’s helmets from the ground and put his hand inside it. He still had the marbalt glove on his left, now he also had protection for his right. If what Rose said was true, then armor clad hands would be more than a match for flimsy weapons. If it wasn’t, then he’d have a lot more to worry about than some digital lacerations.
“Are you ready, Dungar?” Gilly asked him as she defiantly stared down the approaching horde.
“That’s kind of a pointless question, don’t you think? I don’t imagine they intend to wait if I’m not.”
“Now is a poor time to be difficult, blacksmith.”
“Well it might be the last time I get to be.”
“Not on this day.” She lowered her sword and turned to her ally. “I can feel a presence watching over us. If your cause is just and your actions valiant, then Suola will always—”
“DUCK, GILLY!”
Diamond sword raised aggressively, the soldier at the head of the pack was nearly upon her. As he began to bring his blade down, Gilly swung her heavy steel sword upwards causing the two weapons to powerfully crash together. True to Rose’s word, the air became filled with a flurry of fragmented shining shards as the knight’s weapon exploded on contact with the steel blade.
He froze in place as he stared down at the stump of a weapon he now held in his hand. As soon as he became disarmed, Gilly ceased in her attack and readopted her odd fighting stance, prompting Dungar to take matters into his own fists and finish the soldier off with an uppercut.
Seeing the fate of the fighter before them, the swarm of Jenair guardsmen came to a sliding halt as they began inspecting their own swords. Soon the air was filled with the sounds of metallic clangs and shattering blades as sword after sword was subjected to, and subsequently failed, every test of tensile strength the soldiers tried. Before long, they had all thrown the remains of their weapons to the ground and proceeded in their march unarmed.
Gilly lowered her own sword as well, much to Dungar’s dismay.
“Don’t tell me they’re now innocent just because they’re unarmed!”
“It is a tenet of my faith that I may not apply greater force than is applied towards me.”
“Then drop the sword and start cracking skulls!”
Obediently, she discarded her weapon and raised her hands, palms facing the chargers. Dungar too raised his hands, balled into the tightest fists he could muster. His whole body shook from adrenaline as he was bore down upon.
Finally the remaining attackers reached them. The blacksmith reared back then swung as hard as he could towards the first in line, a move that was completely useless as the sheer number of men in the army immediately overwhelmed him and Gilly. They were both instantly knocked to the ground and force to curl up as an innumerable amount of punches and kicks were laid into them.
Rose watched the ordeal in horror, eyes wide and both hands covering her mouth. Koey pushed the sword even harder into Rainchild.
“Order them to stop!”
“Well you’re their queen. Why don’t you do it?”
“I am not jesting, wizard!”
“You know, my dear Koey, if you start running right now then I could probably still get the public’s favor on the grounds of having simply driven you away. That way you don’t have to die. It would be less fun, sure, but I’ll make that sacrifice just for you.”
“I AM WARNING YOU!”
A booming roar suddenly swept over the forest, shaking the trees and stopping the skirmish. The Jenair guards looked wildly around at the forest and each other, searching for the source of the sound. Then it came again, louder this time. Dungar and Gilly hurriedly crawled away in the shower of falling leaves as several guards were forced to their knees with their hands on their ears.
“THERE!” A guard shouted, pointing behind everyone. “On the horizon! What is that thing?!”
Bathed in the dimming rays of the nearly set sun was the silhouette, complete with unmistakable enormous afro, of Shaffleton the Farrawee fighting goat. The soldiers watched in awe as the graceful creature began its charge down the hill towards them. A path was efficiently cleared in the crowd as guards either dove out of the way or were effortlessly knocked aside.
Dungar’s jaw dropped at the display. Not only had Shaffleton returned to help them in their time of need, but mounted upon the formidable fighting goat, pale frail body clad only in a pair of tighty whities as his mighty mane of bushy black hair flowed majestically behind him, was Jimminy Appaya.
“Good evening, mates!” He announced triumphantly as Shaffleton kicked in the faceplate of a nearby guard. “And mate-ettes!” He added with a nod at the girls.
“Who is this guy?” Koey inquired.
“How are you alive?!” Dungar demanded, ignoring her.
“How did you find us?!” Gilly added.
“Where did you get that katana?!” Rose jumped in, pointing at his weapon.
“Why are you all standing there and letting them have this conversation?!” Rainchild screamed at his henchmen.
“All will be answered in good time!” Jimminy insisted. “But first, would any of you lovely lads or ladies care to inform me of the current events?”
“Oh god where to begin?!” Rose exclaimed exasperatedly. “So we managed to get into the castle, and then—”
“QUEEN GOOD, KNIGHTS BAD!” Dungar screamingly interjected.
“Thanks, mate!” Jimminy grinned and winked at him. He then turned back to the soldiers and yelled into the distance. “GET THE SHINY ONES, MATES!”
The guards once again found themselves looking around confusedly, clearly having no idea what was going on anymore. What happened next certainly only served to exacerbate their bewilderment, for yet another strange noise came rolling in from beyond the horizon.
“Jum! Jum! Jum! Jum! Jum!”
Like an army of fire ants, the robed red army swarmed over the hill and converged upon the unsuspecting soldier battalion. With neither party having weapons, the conflict quickly devolved into a massive bout of fisticuffs. However, the cultists were both outnumbered and outmatched by the impressive Jenair military.
“Er, Jimmy, your ‘friends’ are getting the snot beaten out of them.” Dungar pointed out uneasily.
“That is quite a keen observation, mate!” Jimminy acknowledged, not taking his eyes from the fight. “They’re not the greatest fighting blokes out there, but once a fellow pledges himself to Dynam and goes through initiation to become a Dynamite, upon death he will—”
His explanation was cut short by a large explosion that sent dismembered pieces of former guards in all directions. The blast then triggered the rest of the cultists, resulting in a domino effect of exploding people and mutilated military personnel. When the smoke finally cleared, roughly a quarter of the original guard population remained as well as a few scant surviving Dynamites.
Of the remaining guardsmen, many decided they could take no more and fled into the woods leaving roughly twenty or so remaining in fighting spirits. Dungar and Gilly reassumed their fighting stances while Jimminy tightened his grip on Shaffleton’s afro. Not a sound was uttered from anyone as the two sides stared each other down, waiting for a member of the other to make the first move.
“Oh right!” Jimminy suddenly exclaimed, smacking his forehead and causing everyone to jump. “I forgot about the other friends I ran into along the way!”
Everyone looked back to the hill where the Dynamites came from, expecting to see another pack on the horizon. However the hill remained empty, the woods remained still, and the air remained soundless yet rife with palpable tension.
Jimminy cleared his throat with a loud harrumph, then announced again. “I SAID I FORGOT ABOUT THE OTHER FRIENDS I—”
“AVAST, YE CUTLASS FLAPPING, RUM SWIGGING RASCALS!” Nobeard yelled as he came crashing down from a nearby tree. Suddenly all the trees began to shake as a slew of pirates descended from them with knives in their teeth. Dungar looked around in amazement, now realizing the true reason the trees shook during the roaring cries of Shaffleton.
“This was supposed to be a bit more coordinated of an effort.” Jimminy explained, attempting to demonstrate with his hands. “But SOMEBODY felt they had to make a show of their arrival!”
“In entrances piratical, atypical and impractical I am the very pinnacle of appearances theatrical!” Nobeard exclaimed enthusiastically, waving his sword in time with his words.
Rainchild watched the whole exchange with a contorted pained expression on his face while Rose stared in Nobeard in awe, grinning ear to ear. Jimminy shared a similar sentiment.
“Oh blimey, how could I possibly be mad at someone as glorious as you, mate?!”
“Let’s kick some asses, Jaunty!”
At that, every man, and Gilly, rushed into battle. Nobeard was the first to strike, driving a front kick into a knight so hard that the man’s chest plate caved in and he was hurled backwards into two of his comrades. The armor they wore was no match for the force behind his swinging cutlass as the weapon effortlessly cleaved limb from body and head from neck.
Shaffleton the goat flailed around violently, delivering kicks left and right while Jimminy’s body flailed in tandem. Although it appeared he was barely capable of even hanging on, his long thin blade continued to cut down his adversaries in spite of it.
Gilly resumed her strange circular approach to battle. Constantly spinning one way or the other, she opted to somehow dodge every swing directed at her rather than counter or parry. She almost appeared to possess a level of clairvoyance the way she was able to anticipate when to evade and when to strike with her surgeon-like accuracy and efficiency. Even without a sword, larger and more armored men dropped around her like the novices they were in comparison.
Lacking any formal training whatsoever, Dungar leapt into the fray relying on nothing more than the skills he acquired via bar brawls. Of all the conflicts he had engaged in throughout this adventure, it was in this one that he felt truly in his element. Countless angry men, double that amount of swinging fists, one oddly tough woman, and a confused and aggressive wild animal. This felt just like home.
The scene was chaos from its inception. Even if he had tried, Dungar couldn’t have counted the number of blows he received in the carnage. All sorts of limbs and body parts, not all of which were still attached to their bodies of origin, made violent contact with him during the scuffle. He knew it was going to happen, and that mere knowledge somehow helped make it bearable. Lacking any sort of strategy of his own, the most prudent course of action in his mind was to slug the nearest individual in sight with his armored hands. He was pretty sure he punched Nobeard in the face at some point, but in the midst of the chaos it was hard to know for certain.
The only thing anyone felt they could be certain of was that if they dared fall down they were not getting back up. As soon as a body hit the ground it was immediately besought upon by the merciless boots of both friend and foe. Significantly more unfortunate individuals found themselves simply stomped to death in the heat of battle than those who were done in by a calculated blow.
The combined might of the good guys was superior to that of their adversaries, but the true edge in the battle was allotted to them by way of being in the company of pirates that happened to be armed with sharp objects facing opponents who mostly had fists, having previously discarded their diamond swords. However it did not render the conflict completely onesided. By the time the crowd thinned, there were only five standing combatants left. Conveniently, they were Dungar, Gilly, Nobeard, Shaffleton the goat, and one random Dynamite that managed to finish the fight unexploded.
Weary from battle and breathing heavily, they all turned to face Rainchild who was wearing a facial expression that indicated he had absolutely no idea what to make of the events that had just transpired before his eyes. Before anyone could address him, however, the frantic voice of Rose called out.
“OH MY GOD! JIMMINY!”
Whipping back around to the pile of bodies, Dungar saw Jimminy laying among them, somehow having managed to get several different knives jammed into his chest. Immediately the blacksmith rushed to him and knelt by his side, cupping his head as he coughed feebly at the brink of death.
“Damn it, Jimmy!” Dungar scolded the fellow, half pained, half exasperated. “Will you stop bloody dying already!”
“Wa thi … mate …” Jimminy struggled to speak as he clutched Dungar’s shirt. “I gunb … cul …”
“Jimmy I don’t … I don’t understand you …”
Hacking violently and spitting out the blood from his mouth, Jimminy pulled him closer and whispered into his ear.
Before Dungar could respond, a final death rattle rasped from the man’s mouth and his body fell limp in the blacksmith’s arms. Nobeard bowed his head and put his hand over his heart while Rose clung to her sister, weeping as her eyes remained transfixed on Jimminy. Dungar, however, simply looked around confusedly.
“Did anyone else hear what he just said to me?”
“No.” Gilly replied. “What did he say?”
“He said ‘watch this, mate, it’s gonna be cool’ …”
“GRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
Everyone jumped backwards at the sudden booming roar that the lone Dynamite was hollering. His eyes had begun glowing a bright neon red and his voice had changed to a baritone demonic pitch that was clearly not his own.
“ONE STEP CLOSER TO RELEASE FROM THIS MORTAL COIL!” he yelled.
He then exploded in a shower of guts and body parts.
When the gang lowered their arms that had been raised to protect them from said shower, Jimminy Appaya stood once again good as new in the center of a blood splatter that looked oddly like a smiley face.
“Wasn’t that awesome, mates?!” He exclaimed giddily, jumping up and down. “That happens to the one nearest to me every time I die. Apparently I’m possessed by Dynam or something!”
“Don’t look at me, guys, I’m not familiar with this religion at all.” Rose dismissed the confused looks she was getting.
“If you are all quite finished.” The smooth voice of Rainchild cut in. “We still have the matter of me to deal with.”
Tentatively, the group surrounded him, unsure how to proceed. Koey lowered the sword and backed away to join them in their scrutiny.
“I suppose locking him in the dungeons is out of the question.” She proposed.
“Absolutely.” Gilly confirmed. “With his transmutation powers, no cell could hold him.”
“We could donate him to scientific research on magic!” Rose suggested hopefully.
“Or maybe just use his magic powers for diamond manufacturing.” Koey offered.
“Typical.” Rainchild scoffed at them. “I knew none of you would have the guts to kill me. It’s why you’re weak in terms of ruling, ‘queen.’ How do you think I got your subjects to turn on you so easily? The people love being told who to hate! Nothing unites them more. You think you can govern through benevolence? I can help you. Like it or not, people crave to be ruled by a commanding individual! An iron fist if you wi—”
He was unable to finish the sentence as Dungar silently retrieved the cheese sword during the sanctimonious spiel and then proceeded to cram the entire thing into the wizard’s mouth.
“Eat it! Eat it!! EAT IT, YOU COWARDLY VEGAN WORM!!!”
Choking and sputtering out chunks of cheese, Rainchild found himself helplessly pinned against his diamond tree as Dungar relentlessly crammed the entire length of the conjured coagulated dairy product down his throat. After the whole thing had disappeared into the wizard’s gullet, Dungar began to viciously bash Rainchild’s face in with his gloved hand all the while screaming “I’LL SHOW YOU A REAL IRON FIST!”
Jimminy and the women grimaced with distaste as Rainchild’s face was turned into mush before their very eyes. Nobeard merely cocked his head to the side and studied the unhinged brutality with a slight level of respect.
With revenge in his eyes and fire in his veins, Dungar had lost all touch with the situation and self-awareness. All rationality fell to the wayside as his arm and fist became an outlet or every frustration that had built up inside him over the course of the trip, and at that particular moment the only respite he could imagine came from turning the face of the catalyst into a bloody pulp.
During his blind barrage of blows, the blacksmith didn’t even notice the battered face of the wizard slump to the ground. He continued his furious swings, his iron knuckles knocking chunks of diamond out of the tree for several more seconds before he finally relented. Shoulders heaving up and down, Dungar turned back to his friends to find them gazing at him, mortified. A few moments of silence passed before Rose finally spoke.
