Witches Be Crazy, page 24
Inside the town hall was a large square room that contained an absolutely enormous padded throne with a podium surrounded by bleachers. The walls were also lined with extra chairs. Assorted pots of flowers hung from the ceiling and each wall had murals of hearts, flowers, or beautiful landscapes painted on it. It vaguely reminded Dungar of the town square in his home town where his town meetings were conducted. If he were not in such a serious situation, he would have taken more time to admire the aesthetics.
“Stand there and do not move a single muscle.” One of the guards ordered, pointing next to the podium. As the blacksmith took his position, the crowd efficiently filed into the bleachers while the guards pulled up chairs beside him. Soon the buzz of crowd chatter filled the room as everyone shared theories and individual versions of the rumor they heard while they all presumably waited for their fair Lady to make her inevitable appearance. It was never a good sign when everyone was convinced of the defendant’s guilt before the trial had even begun.
As time ticked by, more women would occasionally drift into the room, having been informed of recent events, but Bibi still had not shown. It wasn’t entirely surprising. The hall was at least a hundred paces away from her house, so they’d be lucky to see her before nightfall.
Reflecting on his actions, Dungar recalled her promise to execute him and he found himself wondering if he would indeed rather die. He had stared death in the face enough times as of late that the experience was almost starting to become mundane, but being executed for a crime as heinous and ridiculous as this was certainly not the legacy he wanted to leave. He vowed not to make any rash decisions just yet, but he was fully prepared to give these women a fight if events came to it.
Finally a familiar rumbling was heard from outside. The window panes began to vibrate and Dungar swore he could hear small children screaming somewhere in the distance as the thuds began to grow more and more violent until some of the women in chairs had to hang on to avoid tipping over. Then the double wide doors flew open and in walked Jimminy bearing a silver platter that held an overflowing smorgasbord. Following a short ways behind him was the alleged victim herself. She was so slow coming through the doorway that a line of women had formed behind her like a clogged artery.
Eventually she managed to ooze her way through the doorway and into the hall. The moment she set foot inside, every single chair snapped under the mere prospect of encountering her pulchritudinous curves. Slowly but surely, Bibi waddled over to her throne, collapsing into it like she had just run a marathon. Mighty waterfalls of sweat cascaded down her face, ruining her freshly reapplied makeup. She had also swapped her tent-sized robe for a bright pink blouse that, despite its equally enormous size, was stretched so tight that if the buttons popped then someone was getting hurt. Perhaps that’s how they intended to execute him.
After stuffing her face with several handfuls of food from Jimminy’s platter, Bibi turned to the accused and immediately started bawling again, much to his disgust.
“You see what happens!?” She called out to the audience, hoping to incite sympathy. “You see what happens when you let an animal like a man into our town?!”
Sympathetic murmurs echoed from the bleachers while Dungar just gaped in awe. Strange how she could be so convinced men were dangerous enemies while simultaneously letting one hand feed her.
“I should have known when I saw how he was looking at me! Looking at me like I was a piece of meat. But, being the good soul that I am, I gave him the benefit of the doubt! And this is the payment I get for my actions.”
The rest of her sanctimonious speech became unintelligible over her wails and blubbering. A short middle aged lady in a black pantsuit emerged from the crowd to comfort her while everyone else stared daggers at Dungar, who was just shaking his head.
“I can’t look at him anymore!” Bibi declared, dramatically covering her eyes and leaning away. “Throw him into the puppy pit!”
“The what?!” Dungar and Jimminy both rang out simultaneously.
The lady comforting Bibi stood up and addressed the crowd. “It is the decree of Lady Dubya that, for the crime of rape, the prisoner is to be subjected to the canines of the puppy pit!” She then turned to Dungar. “Here in the city of SRS, we have a supply of puppies that we keep sufficiently starved until they are aggressive enough to eat people. Dying is really gross, so the puppies offset the grossness with their cuteness so we can watch long enough to make sure you’re actually dead. And there’s no clean-up!”
As soon as she finished speaking, a lever was pulled and the floor opened up to reveal a pit filled with emaciated puppies of every breed. As soon as they saw the light above, they began yipping frantically and pawing at the walls. It was morbidly adorable.
“Do you have any final requests, prisoner?” The pantsuit lady inquired.
Dungar thought for a moment. If there was any time to not be aggressive, it was while asserting your innocence in regards to a heinous crime like rape. But if he even hoped to successfully assert that then he needed to buy more time.
“Surely I should be allowed one last drink.”
“NO!” Bibi shrieked. “Throw him in already!”
“With all due respect, dear Lady,” the woman in black interjected. “We are not savages. It is our custom to grant a final request. Very well, male, what beverage do you desire?”
“Scotch. A lot of it.”
“Ew. We don’t have that.”
“Any kind of whisky then.”
“We don’t have that.”
“Well what in the blazes do you have then?”
“The only alcoholic beverages we have available are apple-tinis, cosmos, daiquiris, mojitos, fuzzy navels, pink ladies, and bellinis.”
“Alright, I’m ready to die now.”
Pantsuit lady shrugged and took her seat. Dungar’s two guards both stood up and guided him over to the lip of the pit. At the sight of the blacksmith, all the puppies gazed up at him with voracious looks of hunger that were quite reminiscent of another nearby consumption machine. The moment the two gloved hands were placed on his back, he called out once more.
“Okay, hang on a second!”
The confused guards froze as all murmuring stopped. All eyes were on Dungar, who decided to take advantage of the attention and plead his case.
“Of all the women in this town, why would I rape YOU?!” He asked desperately, nodding towards Bibi.
“How should I know how your twisted mind works?!” She snapped back. “Maybe you thought I was an easy target because of my size and that’s why you snuck into my house and attacked me!”
“Snuck into your house?! You sent armed guards to escort me there.”
“Nuh uh!” Bibi denied, a faint smug smirk on her face.
Dungar looked frantically at the two guards, hoping against hope they would validate his story. They just exchanged guilty looks with each other before looking at him and shaking their heads.
“It’s true!!” Rose’s voice rang out from the doorway.
All eyes turned to her standing in the doorway, bent over and taking heaving breaths.
“Man, I need to work on my cardio …” She soliloquized to herself. Then, noticing the attention from everyone, she straightened back up. “Er, yes! I was there when the guards came for … Uh, I’m really sorry but what’s your name again?”
“OH I SEE HOW IT IS!” Bibi shrieked, pounding her beefy paws against the arm rests of her throne. “YOU THINK YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR ME BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN BANGING THIS SKINNY WHORE, HAVEN’T YOU?!”
“What?!” Rose and Dungar exclaimed in unison.
“THROW HER IN THE PIT TOO!”
Bibi folded her arms defiantly and sat pouting in her chair as a pair of guards grabbed Rose by the arms and hauled her over to the pit next to Dungar. Worried looks were starting to spread over members of the audience, as well as the pantsuit woman, but no one said a word in protest.
“Oh, Rosie …” The lady whispered mournfully, putting a hand on Rose’s shoulder. “It is the decree of Lady Dubya that, for the crime of, er …” She looked over at Bibi confusedly.
“BEING AN UGLY HARLOT!” Bibi screeched.
“… You are to be thrown into the puppy pit.” She finished with a sigh. “Do you have any final requests?”
“I request to not be executed!” Rose declared.
The pantsuit woman looked back at Bibi hopefully, as if the request had a chance of being honored.
“NO!” Bibi denied vehemently, mouth full of hors d’oeuvres. “THROW THEM IN ALREADY!”
As the guards grabbed them once more, Dungar reared back, ready to start throwing head-butts. But, almost as if on cue, another voice rang out in the room.
“THAT IS ENOUGH!”
It was a woman’s voice, the most confident and imposing he had ever heard. It came from one of the guards from the line had broken rank and stepped out onto the floor. As she walked, she removed her helmet revealing her youthful face and blonde pixie cut. She was tall for a woman, almost the same height as Rose, and she carried herself in a very dignified manner and with an air of stoicism that intensified as she unflinchingly stared down Bibi with her azure eyes.
“With all due respect, Lady, Rose has done no wrong. Do whatever you wish with the male, but one of our citizens cannot be executed on such a whim. It would be unforgivable. I urge you not to resort to the same savage tactics that you condemn men for.”
All in the hall fell silent. Even though it wasn’t his life the woman was trying to save, Dungar hoped the message she preached would be enough to rouse the Lady to reason and mercy. As all attention turned to her, Bibi continued to slump in her chair, apparently deep in thought. She could feel the penetrating stares of her audience pressuring her to a decision. It seemed unlikely that she of all people would be able to assess a situation with any amount of rationality or compassion, but stranger things have happened. Eventually her head rose and she met the defiant guard’s gaze.
“I don’t like you.” She stated with a frown. “THROW HER IN THE PIT TOO!”
TWENTY-TWO
Pint-Size Allies
The hall was filled with stunned silence once more in the wake of Lady Dubya’s power play. Even Dungar found himself shocked by just how little concern she had for the welfare of everyone in her life. Putting three people to death didn’t faze her in the slightest. In fact, the look on her face implied a level of macabre enjoyment.
Rose, by contrast, now wore a look of unbridled despair. She had gone limp in the arms of the guards as she shot pleading looks at anyone who could bring themselves to make eye contact with her. She then turned to the other prisoner.
“Please!” She begged. “Please, you have to do something!”
The blonde guard just stared at the ground solemnly. “You know I cannot harm the innocent, Rose.” She reminded her soberly.
“But they’re not innocent! They’re going to kill us!”
“They are but faithful servants, not unlike myself.”
“Gilly, we’re going to die!”
Gilly looked up at Rose, her blue eyes welling with tears.
“Rosie, you know I’d do anything to protect you. I love you more than anything in this world. But I cannot break my vows to Suola!”
“WHY HAVEN’T THEY BEEN THROWN IN THE PIT YET!?” Bibi shrilly interjected.
“Bibi, my darling perhaps maybe you should perchance—” Jimminy attempted to reason with her.
“GO GET ME MORE FOOD, JIMMY!” The dictator screamed, dumping the remnants of the platter into her lap then handing it to Jimminy.
As he stared down at the dish, Jimminy’s hands began to shake. First they shook in small vibrations, then in full blown tremors as he looked up at his beloved with a quivering lower lip. Then, without warning, he hurled the empty silver platter at the ceiling hard enough that it punched a hole clean through.
“YOU’RE NOT A VERY NICE LADY!”
It was difficult to tell who between Dungar and Bibi was more shocked by Jimminy’s sudden growth of a spine. But after her brief stint of shock, Bibi huffed loudly and motioned for the guards to take him away as well.
“Don’t even bother!” Jimminy snapped at the approaching women. “I’ll throw meself into the pit!”
Without so much as a pause to reconsider, he marched right over to the pit where Dungar and the women stood, gave a slight bow, and hopped into it. The moment the thud of his feet against the ground was heard he began screaming.
“OH BLIMEY, THIS WAS A VERY BAD IDEA! OW! OW! THEY’RE SO BITEY!”
Immediately his hands reappeared above the pit as he hastily tried to climb out. Screams erupted from the audience as some covered their eyes while others craned their necks for a better look. One of the guards ran over to stomp his hands and prevent his escape. However, before she could reach him a spider dropped out of the hole and the ceiling and landed on her face. She froze immediately and the screams began.
“SPIDER!!!!!!!!!”
She began running around flailing her arms wildly while the audience struggled to decide which commotion was preferable to watch. Taking action, another guard ran up and slapped the first right across the face where the spider crawled.
“Hey!” The first guard screeched. “I just had my makeup professionally done this morning!” She then slapped her slapper. Her slapper did not take kindly to this and gave her a shove backwards whilst shouting at her.
“Then get a hold of yourself and bloody well do your job! It’s just a spider for god sakes.”
The moment she uttered the words, a virtual waterfall of tiny black spiders came pouring out of the hole in the ceiling and quickly began filling the room. The guard was thoroughly covered with them within a matter of seconds, and immediately fainted.
No coherent words or sounds could have been heard over the terrified wails that ensued. Women abandoned the bleachers and guards abandoned their posts faster than they would have if the building was engulfed in flames. No longer held at sword point, the four prisoners took the opportunity to make their escape as well, slipping out a back door. Once they were outside, though, Jimminy stopped them.
“Wait, mista Dungar! What about Bibi?”
“What about her?! You can’t possibly want to go back and save her!”
“I can’t let her die, mate! Sure she’s not a nice lady, but she doesn’t deserve to die if those spiders are poisonous!”
Dungar had no response because he couldn’t immediately decide if he agreed with that or not.
“Um, the spiders aren’t venomous.” Rose interrupted.
Stopping their bickering, the two men looked at Rose who was standing with her hands behind her back and a guilty look on her face.
“Rosie …” Gilly prompted her. “What did you do?”
“I …” Rose began with a grimace. “May have read a book about spiders then started secretly breeding them in the attic of the town hall so I could kill them for the bounty?” Her voice trailed off as she looked out at the growing carpet of black insects that was making its way through the town. “… And it may have gotten just a little out of hand.”
“Hah!” Dungar laughed while Jimminy and Gilly both looked at her incredulously.
“Don’t look at me like that! I told you they weren’t venomous!”
“EEEEEEEEEEKKKK!” Bibi screamed from inside.
Immediately Jimminy bolted back into the hall, forcing Dungar to begrudgingly follow. The interior was still crawling with spiders, many continued to spill from the hole in the ceiling as well. Their bloated would-be executor had not moved from her throne. Spiders were crawling all over her, making her spasm and flail, but she continued trying to inhale the remaining food in her lap. Her strongest instinct was neither fight nor flight, but rather consume.
“GIT EM OFF ME, GIT EM OFF ME!” She howled incessantly between bites.
“Bibi we need to get out of here!” Jimminy insisted, pulling at her greasy arms.
“GIT EM OFF MEEEEE!!!”
Disregarding his animosity momentarily, Dungar joined in the hoisting efforts as well, but even with his added might, the large slimy creature could not be budged. Her limbs continued to flail increasingly violently, and her words were no longer coherent, just a medley of screams and syllables. Then, out of nowhere, she lost all consciousness. Her screams fell silent, her flailing limbs went limp, and her grinding jaws halted.
“Oh blimey, mista Dungar, she’s unconscious! We’re going to have to carry her out!”
“Jimmy we can’t even move her! And I think she’s dead.”
“No no, she’s just unconscious! Quickly now, if we find a doctor then she’ll be okay!”
Bibi’s body then spontaneously combusted.
“Does anybody have any water handy?” Jimminy yelled into the empty room.
“Jimmy …”
“Why is she on fire?”
“I don’t know. Look, we should probably get out of here before she explodes.”
“People don’t do that, mate.”
An ominous rumbling sound then came from within the deceased woman’s bulky burning body.
“Er, let’s go outside for a completely unrelated reason, mate.”
Nodding, Dungar led the defeated Jimminy out of the burning spider-infested building to where Rose and Gilly still stood.
“What happened in there?” Rose asked.
“And where is Lady Dubya?” Gilly added.
Before the blacksmith could respond, an explosion blew a gaping hole in the side of the building and the air became filled with the sickening stench of burning fat. Dungar and Gilly both grimaced, Rose immediately vomited, and Jimminy breathed the air deeply, basking in the final putrescent odor his lost love would bestow upon the world.
They all stood in silence for a few moments, allowing the surprising turn of events to sink in. Jimminy mourned Bibi in silence, Dungar debated internally how long to give him, and Rose and Gilly tearfully hugged one another, thankful to be alive. As usual, Jimminy was the first to break the silence.
