Witches Be Crazy, page 18
Dungar still held the remaining bombs given to him by Nobeard. Carefully he reared his arm back, ready to throw. But the two combatants where moving very quickly, bobbing side to side and moving up and down as they remained engaged in their duel. He followed Blaine carefully with his eyes. The pirate was incredibly agile; this was going to be a difficult shot. If he missed his mark then he will likely doom both Nobeard and himself. But he couldn’t afford to wait too long either, lest he lose his opportunity.
It was now or never. Dungar took a deep breath and fired away. The explosive launched straight and hard towards the two pirates. Dungar grimaced, silently praying to a deity he didn’t even believe in for a bit of luck. It was a good shot, straight as an arrow with perfect spin. Unfortunately, while Dungar did throw it straight, he didn’t throw it straight at Blaine, but rather straight to Blaine’s right. The bomb flew wide right of its target’s ribs, underneath his arm, and straight into the groin of Nobeard.
Fortunately for the pirate captain, the impact was soft enough that the explosive was not triggered. Unfortunately for the pirate captain, the impact was hard enough that his limbs crumpled into themselves and he fell to the ground. Tears streaming from his eyes, Nobeard looked up at Dungar and could only manage one word.
“Whyyy … !?”
Blaine, upon seeing this, began roaring with laughter so raucous that he too was momentarily out of fighting commission. With just one flick of Dungar’s arm, the tense fight to the death between two rivals had turned into a bout of pirates clutching their sides for different reasons. For a brief moment, Dungar was so embarrassed that he forgot to be worried.
Through the great pain coursing through his body, Nobeard still managed to take advantage of the situation. Still on his hands and knees, he raised his knife high over his head and stabbed it through the foot of Blaine and deep into the wooden tree floor before frantically crawling towards Dungar.
Blaine’s laughter turned to screams as he tried to pry his foot loose. The knife in the ground effectively pinned him in place. Nobeard still slightly limped when he reached Dungar and got to his feet.
“Gimme those, ye ham-handed buffoon!” Nobeard grunted before he snatched the sack of bombs out of Dungar’s hands. He then pulled one out and turned to Blaine. His would-be killer was still pinned to the ground, struggling hopelessly as he only opened the wound in his foot further.
“Avast, ye double-crossing mermaid molester!” Nobeard hollered to him.
Blaine looked up from his foot. His magically induced ethereal green eyes meeting with Nobeard’s own naturally green pair.
“Would ye like me to wait a moment so ye can piss yerself?” The captain taunted him. Then he turned to Dungar. “Watch me closely, lad. The key is in the grip and the shoulder rotation.”
With excellent form, Nobeard burnt the bomb towards Blaine at breakneck speed. It hit the pirate square between the eyes so fast that he didn’t even have time to flinch. After the explosion, all that remained were smoking pairs of arms and legs, one of the latter still nailed to the floor.
“Bah, serves him right.” Nobeard declared as he shrugged bitterly. “That bloody limpit broke my swords, did ye see that, matey? Snapped em clean off at the hilt. I loved those bloody things.” He paused for a moment, considering the situation. “Oh yeah, and the killin’ Ozzy thing was pretty low too. Anyway, we best be gettin’ outta here, lad.”
They began to walk towards the hole in the wall when the tree began to send out violent tremors.
“Well then. Perhaps we best be gettin’ outta here a little faster.” Nobeard said casually.
The two men broke into a run, trying to escape the convulsing tree. As they emerged through the hole Dungar created, they found themselves high in the air walking out on a tree branch just below the cloud line. Dungar glanced over the side only to find that he could barely even see the island, he couldn’t make out any of the details of the ground. A sea of blue just stretched far into the horizon in every direction.
“How did we get up here?!” He called to Nobeard.
“Magic, lad! Inside the tree up is down and down is up. Probably best for one not to try and understand it. Just run!”
Making one’s way across the tree was difficult. The massive plant swayed back and forth causing a ripple effect throughout its limbs. The height they were at only served to impede their escape too. The wind howled as it blew through the immense leaves around them and hindered their balance further. As they made their way across the branch, Dungar and the pirate captain saw the figures of the three other pirates clinging to the tip of the branch, hanging on for dear life.
“Ahoy, mateys!” Jimminy waved to them, grinning.
“Captain! What do we do?” Finn called to them.
Nobeard and Dungar both stopped as they reached the branch edge. They had absolutely nowhere to go. Unless they intended to climb back up the tree, or down it technically, then a thousand foot drop into open water seemed to be their only option.
“Alright, lads, we almost be out of the woods. But we got ourselves one last hurdle to traverse!” Nobeard reassured the party. He stepped out to the tip of the branch and looked off into the distance where the ship could be seen waiting for them. The wind rustled his jet black hair and made his coat flap behind him as he gazed out to sea.
“Do ye trust me, lads?” He asked the crew, wearing his charismatic grin.
He was silently answered by four blank faces, unsure how to respond.
“That’s the spirit, mateys! Everybody grab a leaf.”
Tentatively but obediently, each of the pirates approached the monstrous leaves and picked one. The leaves were all enormous, at least ten or twelve feet long apiece. Dungar and Jimminy each picked one as well.
“You can’t possibly expect us to do what I think you’re expecting us to do.” Dungar protested.
“Do ye have a better plan, lad?” Nobeard asked rhetorically while grabbing a leaf of his own. “It’s easy, just run, jump, and hang on tight til ye get close to the ship. Then swim ’til they pick ye up.”
Dungar sighed; he forgot that Nobeard still didn’t know.
“I can’t swim, captain.” He informed the man.
Nobeard stopped short and turned back to Dungar. Then he shrugged. “Guess you’ll have to fly all the way to the ship then. It be a big boat, I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
Dungar looked out into the distance. The enormous pirate ship he rode in on, in all its triple-masted glory, now looked no bigger than a bath toy floating in an ocean. If it weren’t for the tremoring tree and wild winds he wouldn’t even consider attempting what he was about to attempt.
“It works better if ye take a bit of a run at it.” Nobeard reassured him. “Here, watch how your companions do it.”
As if on cue, Jimminy, Finn, and Larry all dashed down the length of the tree branch and tossed both caution and their bodies to the wind. It was oddly graceful the way Jimminy and Larry daintily drifted through the air. Finn not so much. Seconds after the chubby pirate took to flight he lost his grip and plummeted downwards into the water, his leaf drifting away in the breeze.
Nobeard, who had been fumbling with the treasure chest trying to affix it to a leaf of its own, stopped after he saw Finn fall.
“Alright, don’t do it like him.”
Dungar grimaced as he looked out into the horizon. The entire shimmering blue lake may as well have been a pit of lava for all the good landing in it would do for him. He couldn’t expect them to sail in and pick him up though, they’d never make it. He briefly considered trying to get back to the lifeboat, but he had no way of getting down to it without using the leaf, so there was no point. He couldn’t think of any other course of action, this was his only option.
“Hold up, lad!” Nobeard called out.
Dungar turned around to see Nobeard dragging the chest towards him.
“It’s no use trying to tie it to its own leaf, lad, it’d never stay. I need yer help carryin’ it!”
“You better be kidding with me, captain.” Dungar informed him skeptically as he peered at the heavy looking chest. “There’s no way we can bring that thing.”
Nobeard set the chest down and stared at Dungar with a pleading look in his eyes. “Please, lad …” He urged. “This box be the culmination of me livelihood, I can’t leave it behind.”
Dungar sighed. He had neither the time nor the ability to talk this man out of taking the treasure. He looked down at the box. It was a simple wooden chest with iron trim but, given the captain’s difficulty pulling it, it had to have weighed at least three or four hundred pounds.
“Even if I did help you, how could we even do it?”
“Aye, I’m glad ye asked, matey!” Nobeard declared before he hopped up several branches, higher into the tree. After a few moments he jumped back down pulling behind him the largest piece of foliage Dungar had ever seen. The leaf was truly enormous; it looked every bit as big as one of the pirate ship’s sails. It made a slight whooshing sound as it gently floated to the ground behind the captain.
“Alright, here’s our ride!” Nobeard informed him enthusiastically. “Grab a side of the chest and hang on tight!”
As instructed, Dungar grasped one of the handles on the side of the chest with his left hand while he gripped the tip of the leaf with his right. This entire plan was just plain ridiculous. Nobeard mirrored him on the opposite side of the chest, in both stance and demeanor.
“This plan be totally solid, matey! Are ye ready?”
“Not particularly.”
“Here we go!”
They didn’t even need to take a run. The sheer size of the leaf caught the first gust of wind that blew by, catapulting Dungar, Nobeard, and the treasure chest off the branch and into the air. The moment Dungar started to move his heart began to pound. He thought he was uncomfortable enough with being on a boat, but it did not hold a candle to being airborne. There was an inherent feeling of exposure and vulnerability to flying, knowing that the slightest mishap meant a long fall to a watery grave.
Breathing did not come easy, especially when he looked down at the passing sea a long way down beneath him. The view clouded his mind and knotted his stomach. The only thing keeping him focused was the stress on his hands. The pressure on his left hand was quite formidable; doubly so on his right hand, but fear itself was enough to keep both his fists clenched every bit as tight as his ass cheeks were.
The ship was getting close now; outlines of sailors aboard it could be seen buzzing about. They were descending awfully quickly though, even if they made it to the pirate ship they were going to be in for a rough landing.
“Hang on tight, lad.” Nobeard ordered him. “I be aiming us for the mainsail. It won’t be comfy, but we’ll live. LOOK OUT BELOWWWW!”
As soon as they saw the sturdy wood of the ship’s deck beneath their feet, both Dungar and Nobeard released the chest and let it plummet into the ship where it smashed a hole through the upper deck and landed in the hull with a loud crash. Mere moments afterward, their leaf wrapped itself around the mast and drove both men face first into the sail affixed to it. As far as landing after a thousand foot drop goes, it certainly could have been worse, but sailcloth is far from being an effective shock absorber.
The initial impact rattled Dungar enough, but it was a slight bump compared to the following tumble down the sail and rough landing onto the deck. After enduring that terrible touchdown, all Dungar could bring himself to do was lie still for a brief period and groan some incoherent obscenities. Thankfully, within seconds of his own difficult disembarkment onto the deck, Nobeard had hopped to his feet and began barking orders to his crew.
“Look alive, mateys! Raise the headsail, secure the boom, and man the cannons!” He then pointed at a nearby crewman who was bustling over to his station. “You, sailor! We lost our helmsman in the giant shrub ye see across the sea. Ye shall be our new helmsman now! Get up there and take us hard to starboard, we be needing to make a speedy exit!”
“But captain, I’ve never driven the ship before!”
“It be easy, laddy! It practically sails itself. Just don’t hit any rocks or I’ll kill ye.”
“Mista Dungar! You’re alive!” Dungar heard Jimminy yell into his ear.
With another groan, Dungar got to his feet and rubbed his head.
“Hello Jimmy.” He sighed. “Did you guys have a better landing than us?”
“I’m quite alright, mate, thanks for asking! Larry’s in some rough shape though. The bloke broke both his legs!”
“Jimmy, you do know that Larry just has two wooden peg legs right?”
“Oh yeah …”
“Oi, landlubbers!” Nobeard yelled at them. “Man a battle station!”
“What do you mean?” Dungar asked as Jimminy scurried away. “Are we not out of danger?”
“Look at the water, lad, that bubblin’ be not a good sign.”
Curious, Dungar peered over the side of the boat. Sure enough, the deep blue lake water bubbled as if it were boiling. Schools of fish could be seen leaping from the water and mass migrating away from the tree. He had no idea what was going on, but he didn’t really want to find out either.
Having reached the helm, the pirate yanked the wheel and the ship veered sharply to the right. Various cargo began to slide across the deck as the ship tilted. Nobeard also fell over as if he wasn’t expecting the sudden change in direction.
“Damn it, boy!” Nobeard yelled at his new helmsman. “I said starboard!”
“But captain, starboard is to the righ—”
“IF SOMEONE TRIES TO TELL ME ONE MORE TIME THAT STARBOARD IS RIGHT THEN THEY’RE GOING OVERBOARD.”
All the bustling about halted briefly as eyes began to turn to the aggravated mariner.
“Do ye all want to die!? Get back to yer stations!”
“What’s going on?” Dungar asked the captain as the rest of the pirates darted away.
“Aye, the tree isn’t done with us yet, it seems. I guess it be more attached to the treasure than I initially anticipated.”
The words had hardly left his mouth when several long, thin brown tentacle-like objects surfaced from the lake and began to loom dangerously over the vessel.
“What in the blazes are those things?!” Dungar demanded.
“I’ve never seen me a creature that possessed appendages like those.” Nobeard commented, intrigued. “If I had to place me a wager then I’d reckon those are the roots of the wizard tree, lad. Methinks it wants its treasure back.”
Dungar gawked at the tree limbs that now loomed over the boat, swaying and writhing menacingly around them.
“God I hate wizards.”
EIGHTEEN
Within the Fathoms of the Great Big Sea
At no point in this entire excursion did Dungar feel as attached and protective of the treasure as he did now. It was an interesting feeling of possessiveness. It wasn’t that he wanted the treasure, but rather he just didn’t want the tree to have it. He didn’t know if the feeling stemmed from his prejudices or was just plain pettiness, but it made no difference either way. His patience for magical dealings had long since run out, so he had a very hostile answer in mind for this call from nature.
“Head down to the cargo hold and fetch us some weapons, lad.” Nobeard ordered Dungar. “I be about ready to go lumberjack on this wench.”
Dungar couldn’t have said it any better himself. He pushed his way through the scurrying pirates and towards the door leading to that familiar staircase then through the door and down into the dim and gloomy storage area. Just as he remembered, there was very little light to illuminate the room, the air instead filled with the smell of now decaying fish. But there was no time to be wasted.
Dungar began rifling through boxes looking for any weapons capable of cleaving through any attackers. The available resources were meagre at best. Most of the boxes were filled with assorted produce, raw materials, or petty loot from smalltime raids. As he continued to search, Dungar found himself distracted by a faint scraping sound slowly becoming audible over the usual sounds of sailing on the sea. He also noticed the room seemed to be somehow getting even darker.
As he slammed down the lid of the crate he currently rifled through, Dungar looked around the room. The various cracks and holes in the wooden room were still present, just smaller, as if something were plugging parts of them. The scraping sound continued as he tentatively moved towards the wall to inspect it. The openings were still becoming smaller yet, almost like the walls were repairing themselves, but it was impossible to know for sure in the darkness.
“Back away from the bulkheads, lad!” The authoritative voice of Nobeard called out.
Dungar could just barely make out the pirate captain’s silhouette in the room with him.
“Hold this.” Nobeard ordered once again, handing an unlit torch to Dungar.
With a quick flash from Nobeard’s flint and steel, the torch ignited and the cargo hold was illuminated by a faint light. The light, albeit dim, was still enough to make the walls visible. The cracks and holes were still very much present, however any light shining through them was hindered by the hundreds of slim roots forcing their way through like brown worms. They made the eerie scraping noise as they slid against the wooden wall, making their way farther inside the ship and finding things to latch onto.
“It be tryin’ to stop us cold in the water!” Nobeard exclaimed.
Thinking on his feet, Dungar took the torch he held and plunged it into the writhing entanglement of the creeping roots. Hisses and sizzles were immediately heard as the plant organs began to wriggle frantically, trying to escape the flames. He continued to stick the torch into each of the entanglements until they had all retreated out of the cargo hold.
