Pack of Her Own, page 18
Dr. Maru stared at me for a long moment. “No. I don’t quite understand. What do you mean she was the first to mention it, but wasn’t?”
I flicked my hand in the air, the stimming helping to wean off the anxious energy. I was not going to have a panic attack. I was not going to have a panic attack.
“It was in my dreams,” I said, unable to look at her. “I know, it sounds fucking crazy. But I’ve been having dreams since I met her, and she’s always there. She protects me, takes care of me. And she told me we were mates. So, I asked her about it yesterday and she said—” I had to take a deep breath and force my hands to stop shaking and rubbing. “She said she didn’t know. Didn’t have the knowledge. It’s one of the reasons she left today. She said she’s going to speak with another Alpha and see what she can learn.” I didn’t mention Heather’s predicament. That wasn’t my story to tell.
Dr. Maru rubbed a hand across her face. “I do not get paid enough to deal with werewolf romance.” She groaned, and I couldn’t stifle my laughter. Not something you hear someone complaining about every day. “Look, there’s a lot of stuff that Wren doesn’t know. She’s going to have to learn if things keep happening like everything last week. She’s not going to be able to keep her head down and her territory off the map for long if people keep coming by to try to take it from her.”
That made sense. Wren hadn’t even wanted anything to do with a pack, but she couldn’t face every challenge alone. I stopped myself at that thought. I played far too many video games because I was looking at it like that. It wasn’t real life. Instead, it was battles to be fought and people to take care of. What the hell was happening to me?
“Having a mate will make her stronger, and also make the pack stronger. A wolf’s mate is usually their perfect match. Each one fits the other, complements the other, and boosts each other in every way. At least, that’s what the lore likes to say. I’m sure it’s not that convenient.”
“But how do you know if you have the right mate?”
“Because supposedly mates are chosen by the Mother of Wolves.” She did the air quotes thing with her fingers at those words. “I don’t know how accurate it is, but the stories go that there is one true mate for every wolf. Not all of them find that person, or sometimes they settle for something less. But when true mates find each other, even if they fight it, there’s little that will keep them apart in the end.”
I shook my head. “But I’m human. How am I supposed to be able to help her run a pack?”
“Beats me. But maybe you are exactly what she needs to find the strength to move on from her past and make a proper life, at ease with all of who she is.” She glanced away for a moment as if considering something, then caught my eyes again. “I don’t know how much she’s told you, but she didn’t have a good past.”
“Neither did I,” I said, but it only meant that I could understand letting the past rule you.
“Then you know what it’s like to try to find life after that. Wren wears her past on her sleeve, using it like an armor to keep the world out.” She hesitated. “You know, since she met you, I’ve never seen her so open. Maybe that’s part of what you could do for her.”
I shook my head again. “But there’s so much she doesn’t know about me. My past, my family, my parents.” I took another deep breath to push down the anxiety. “Everything that happened to me. How can I help her when I can’t help myself?”
She grimaced. “As cliché as it sounds, you need to follow your heart.” I held a hand to my chest, feeling my heartbeat and aching for Wren to be at my side. “And that stirring inside that’s making you pine for her.”
“How do you know so much?”
“I’m very observant.” We shared a smile and lapsed into silence. It gave me time to think over all the new information.
A mate. That’s what my dreams told me I was. Someone strong enough to support my Alpha, even for all my own flaws. Would she help me through them? Would she help me feel like the worthwhile person I only ever felt like on the really, really good days? Could I have forever like that with her?
Dreams. It was all just dreams and wishes. Things weren’t that easy, and they never would be.
“How does it work?” I asked softly, desperate for more before my brain could spiral into anxious oblivion.
“When the two of you are ready, the stronger wolf performs the mate-biting. Usually, it’s done during coitus. Then the mate bites them back. After that, well, your guess is as good as mine.”
“Fuck,” I groaned, slouching in the chair.
“What?”
I pulled the neck of my shirt to the side and revealed a line of bruises that I’d been proud of only a few seconds before. I remembered Wren’s mouth on my skin, sucking and nibbling and—I cut myself off before I started moaning in the damned doctor’s office.
“I mean, do love bites count?”
Dr. Maru barked out a laugh. “No, no. If she did the mate bite, you wouldn’t be questioning it.” She shook her head. “But it looks like she had fun nonetheless.”
My cheeks heated as I pulled my shirt back into place. “She wasn’t the only one,” I murmured.
“I can see that.” She gave a small sigh. “No, the mate bite requires her to call on her wolf in the moment. It won’t be made with solely human teeth.”
I stared at her. “Would I be able to survive something like that? I’m mean, I’m only human.”
“It’s…not widely accepted in most of shifter culture,” she said. There was something on her face that made me think she wasn’t pleased about that. “But there have been human mates to werewolves before.”
“So, it would be bad if Wren had me for a mate?”
“Why do you ask that?”
I took a moment to try to find the right words. “Because I don’t want to cause any trouble for her with the other wolves.” And suddenly I couldn’t be sitting there anymore. I leapt out of the chair and paced in the open area behind the chairs. I mumbled to myself but couldn’t even figure out what I was trying to say. Or think. Or feel. It was all too much, just too much. I hadn’t even known her for a week, and yes, I didn’t want to be away from her, and I needed her, and wanted her, and she took care of me and protected me, and—
“Stop!” I shouted to break the run-on sentence in my head. “Just stop. It’s too much, it’s all too much.”
Then there were arms around me, small but strong, and a warmth helped settle everything that was roaring inside. Dr. Maru held me close, her eyes at the level of my neck. But even knowing what she was, I didn’t have any fear of being that close. I trusted her. And I trusted Wren with all of my heart.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured.
“Don’t be,” she replied just as softly. “But if I could offer a little advice?” I nodded dumbly. “Don’t worry about all this. It can all be talked about and figured out in the future. For now, focus on you and her and how much you want to be together. Focus on your relationship and let everything else fall into place when it’s ready.”
I took a deep breath, then a second, then a third. Only then did I trust my words enough to say something. “Don’t borrow trouble,” I whispered. “My dad always told me that.”
“In this particular case, he’s not wrong.” The way she said it made me think she had a pretty good idea of why I didn’t often try to willingly remember my father’s advice.
She held me for another long moment before we separated. She grounded me. It was something very few people could do. Rory was one of them. Wren another. How was I getting so damned lucky?
“I really do like her, you know?”
She laughed, doing a small jump to sit on the corner of her desk instead of behind it. “I can tell. And like I said before, you’re good for her.”
I cleared my throat a couple of times, sniffling to hold back the waterworks that threatened to flood the room.
“So,” I choked out after a moment. “I’m pretty sure you didn’t ask me to come in to discuss my relationship.”
She froze, going so still it looked like she’d replaced herself with a statue. It was uncanny, disturbing, and I couldn’t help but hope she’d move again. The more disturbing thought was that this was the first time I had ever looked at her and seen something that wasn’t quite human. Even the reddish eyes were easier to handle.
“No, no, there was something else.” She moved off the desk, avoiding my gaze. “I have your tests back, the ones I put through after your recovery.”
I nodded in understanding. “Is there something wrong?”
“I want to preface this with something,” she began. “I have never had the pleasure of treating someone who is transgender. But I am learning, I am researching, so please have patience with me.”
“Of course.” I’d had doctors straight-up refuse to see me because I was trans. Already Dr. Maru was way ahead of the pack. “So does this have something to do with me being trans?”
She didn’t answer at first, keeping her head low as her hands fretted away at a loose thread on her chair.
“It does, I think.” She gave a long-suffering sigh. “It looks like my blood did more to you than I was expecting.”
“What do you mean? I’m not…” I started to panic again. “I’m not going to turn into a vampire or something, am I?”
“No. No, not even close. You would’ve needed to be much closer to death for that to have the best chances of happening. I mean, it was a possibility, but wasn’t likely.”
“Okay. So, what’s wrong then?”
“What medications do you take for your transition?”
I hesitated at her directness but didn’t let that stop me for long. “Testosterone blockers. And I use patches for my estradiol. Why?”
It was a long few minutes before she told me.
“So, I guess you don’t have to be on those things anymore,” she said as she handed me a large file folder with my name on it. I picked it up and started flipping through all the papers in there, understanding nothing. “My blood changed your body chemistry. You’re producing higher levels of estrogen instead of testosterone now.”
“Wait, what the fuck are you talking about?”
She shook her head. “I didn’t know that was even a thing it could do, honestly. I’ve never had to put that much blood into someone who was on hormone replacement. Something I’ll definitely keep in mind for the future.”
“No way. I don’t understand.” I stared down at my feet, taking deep breaths in an effort to push away the impending anxiety attack. “Does this mean my body is different?”
“No, I’m sorry.” And she honestly sounded so. “Your body is still the same, it’s only your hormones that are different now. That might affect your body to some degree more than the pills you were taking, but you don’t suddenly have a womb or ovaries or whatnot.”
I nodded, knowing well enough that even magic—or vampire blood in this case—was not a cure-all that I truly desired.
“Eight years,” I murmured, unable to tear my eyes away from the ground. “I’ve been on these meds for eight years, Doc.” I shook my head. “I don’t know how to not be on them. They’ve been the key to being who I really am for so long, and now you’re telling me I don’t need them anymore?”
“I’m sorry, Natalie.” And she truly did sound apologetic. “I don’t think you should up and toss all your pills and patches as soon as you get back or anything like that. I want to run more tests and would like to take more blood, just to make sure my findings are right. But if I am, then I guess you won’t need them anymore.”
A pair of feet appeared in my line of sight and a hand raised my chin up until I could see her face.
“Natalie, I want you to tell me how that makes you feel.”
“What are you, a psychiatrist?”
“One of my many medical specialties, though it’s a decade or two old.”
I rolled my eyes. Of course. Vampire.
“I don’t know how I feel,” I said. “I don’t know how I should feel, or what I think.” I took a deep breath. “I was prepared to be on these things for the rest of my life. I had this idea of how life was going to be. I chose to be nonoperative, to not have surgery…”
I drifted off, staring up at Dr. Maru. I realized that I was left staring into the red irises of a centuries-old vampire—who had given me as much of a miracle as anything in this world could.
“I’m scared. I’m scared it will be taken away from me. That it’s all a joke or wrong or that it will reverse itself or something. I’m afraid it’ll just be one more thing that I think I have in my life that gets snatched away.”
“Well, I promise you I will do whatever I can to ensure this is not taken away from you,” she told me. “Do you believe me?”
I nodded, unable to form the words I was sure she wanted to hear. I took a deep breath, trying to soothe the nerves that had been clawing around my insides. This was good news, not bad. In fact, it was amazing news. The kind of news that would literally be considered a miracle under any other circumstances.
But there was still one question I needed answered.
“Should I tell Wren?”
She shrugged and released my chin before she moved back behind her desk. “If you feel it necessary. Probably eventually if you two are going to be together.”
“Do you…do you think she’ll be happy about it?”
She was quiet for a long moment. “I think that she’ll be happy about it if you are. Has she given you any reason to think otherwise?”
I shook my head. “No, no. She’s been perfect. Absolutely perfect.” My heart swelled just thinking about it. Goddess, I missed her. I wished she was here beside me. She’d reach out, hold my hand, make sure I was okay. Maybe a kiss…
“Natalie.”
Dr. Maru’s voice broke me from my thoughts, and I smiled sheepishly. “Sorry.”
I left the office with a slight spring in my step and a second warning from the good doctor not to toss my meds just yet. She’d taken more blood to double-check things, but I was in too good a mood to care. Now all I needed to do was tell my Alpha about this.
I smiled. My Alpha. Definitely had the right ring to it.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Wren
I knew I needed to sit down and talk with Natalie. I knew we had to discuss what the future would bring and why we felt so connected. I knew that I couldn’t just force her into something like being my mate for life without making her aware of all the risks and other things that could happen.
I knew that.
But the moment my eyes landed on her again at the diner, I couldn’t even begin to care. I charged in, ignoring everything else, then took her hand and pulled her to me. My wolf almost purred at the surprised laugh that burst from her as I dug my nose into her collarbone, taking in that scent of her. The scent that made me want to tear her clothes off and take her right here on the bar in front of everyone.
“I missed you,” she said, and I pulled her closer, tighter, like we were one person.
“I missed you too.”
Mine! my wolf howled.
My sentiments exactly.
Her lips touched mine in a voracious meeting that bards would sing about for ages to come. Until something cold and wet slapped me in the face. Natalie shrieked as we parted, and I spun around to find whatever was attacking us.
Alisha stood behind the bar, a spray bottle in her hand. She gave us a stern look. “Get a room,” she said, spraying another jet of water that barely missed my cheek. “Or don’t and let me charge admission.”
I held up my hands in surrender. “I get it, I get it. Sorry.”
Natalie’s apology echoed mine but was full of laughter. I handed her a napkin off the bar, and she wiped her face with it.
“You realize we aren’t cats, right?”
Alisha raised an eyebrow. “Still works, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah.” Natalie chortled. “And since we’re not cats, we might actually learn our lessons.”
“I don’t care either way,” Alisha said, “but whatever you decide to do, do it off my floor.”
“Your floor?” I couldn’t keep the smile off my face.
“That’s right, my floor. At least until my shift is over.”
I opened my mouth, but Natalie moved in front of me, giving Alisha a sloppy salute. “Yes, ma’am.” She grabbed my shirt and tugged me to the door. “Come on, kitty, we need to talk.”
When we got outside, I turned and pushed her up against the Jeep. “Did you really just call me a kitty?” Her smile sent heat blooming through me, down between my thighs, where it ached.
“I couldn’t very well call you puppy or wolfy, now, could I?”
“You’re just getting yourself in deeper trouble, girl,” I snarled. She didn’t look the least bit afraid.
“Oh no, whatever shall I do against the big, bad wo—”
She finished the word inside my mouth before she started to moan as I pressed myself against her. Her arms wrapped around my neck, and she hoisted herself up so her legs could tuck around my waist. She let out a throaty growl.
“Seriously—” She panted as I kissed my way down her neck. “We—we need to talk, Wren.”
“So, talk,” I murmured into her glorious skin. She tasted like apples and peaches and summer and everything wonderful that I’d missed out on for so long.
“Not here! It’s sensitive!”
I sucked her skin into my mouth and nipped at it. “If I take you somewhere private, the only thing you’re going to be saying is my name.”
“I…can live with that—”
I opened the door and shunted my mate into the passenger seat, then ran around to the driver’s side. The engine was started, and I had peeled out of the parking lot by the time she got herself situated. She barely got her seat belt on before I hit the highway and sped down the asphalt.
