Waves of Guilt, page 14
I padded across the landing lit by a weak light from the street lamp. The same light filtered into my bedroom as I opened the door and I could make out Craig’s form, but couldn’t see whether his eyes were open or not. He was very still.
Craig and I were both middle-aged, so our physical relationship was unlikely to be like it had been before, but there was no reason it couldn’t be just as tender. The time for vacillating was over. It was time to begin the next phase of my life.
I walked around to my side of the bed, shrugged off my robe and slipped into bed. Craig turned towards me, and I moved into his welcoming arms. There was no need for words. I felt a few tears escape from my eyes as he held and caressed me.
At first, I felt nervous, but Craig was patient, sensitive and caring. It would take time for us to become familiar with each other’s bodies again, but we had made the first step. I tried not to think of David, and to allow myself to succumb to the moment. I’d spent too long thinking about how my marriage had ended.
Craig whispered, ‘I want to be with you forever, Sarah,’ which caused me to shed some more tears. ‘I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.’
‘I hope we will stay together,’ I replied. Although we had only been back together for a few weeks, I knew this was the start of something serious. ‘I love you, Craig,’ I said. It had been ages since I’d uttered those words, and I realised how distant David and I had become in recent years.
Sleep, when it came, was disturbed with images of David’s last moments. At one point, I cried out, ‘Don’t!’ as I jerked awake, the thud of his body hitting the concrete reverberating through me. Craig’s arms were ready to console me, and I drifted back off to sleep.
Chapter 28
I awoke early, happy to listen to Craig’s breathing and to feel his warmth beside me. Occasionally, his body twitched, and I thought he might wake, but instead, he put his arm across me. I wanted to stroke it but was afraid of waking him, so I allowed my mind to mull over recent events, unafraid to re-examine the upsetting revelations as I had the security of a companion.
The seagulls were particularly noisy that morning, running up and down my roof and no doubt hopping on and off the television aerial. I was used to it, but the cacophony of screeching was enough to wake Craig.
‘What’s that?’ he murmured.
‘The seagulls are having a party on the roof.’
‘God, they are noisy.’
‘The penalty of living by the sea. I’ve got used to them.’
‘It sounds like they are trying to dislodge the tiles,’ he said.
‘That’s probably the crows. They pick at the moss. I find loads of it on the front lawn.’
‘Crows and seagulls. It’s like Hitchcock’s, “The Birds.” I’m going to watch out when I leave the house in future. I might get pecked to pieces!’ Craig yawned. ‘What time is it?’
‘Just after six.’
‘Oh, early then. What time do you normally get up?’
‘Around seven. Although in the winter I sometimes snuggle in the warm for a bit longer.’
Craig put his arm around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder.
‘Are you OK?’ I asked.
‘Yes, and you?’
‘I think so.’
‘I’m so glad we met up again,’ he said.
‘So am I.’
Craig kissed me. ‘It just seems so right,’ he said.
‘I know. I can’ t believe it, really.’
‘I hope you don’t think that we’ve taken things too quickly.’
‘Let’s not analyse things too much,’ I said. ‘That might sound strange coming from me, but I think I just need to start living again.
Craig kissed my hair, and we held each other for a while before getting up to start the day.
**
After breakfast, I gave Craig a lift to Broadstairs station.
‘Phone me tonight, won’t you?’ said Craig.
‘Of course. I hope you have a good day.’
‘Thanks. I’m going to finish that article for Clare. Hopefully, she’ll be happy with the next version, and that will be another one done and dusted.’
‘You’ve really taken to it, haven’t you?’
‘Well, it’s going well at the moment. I’m not getting too confident though. Clare might suddenly take a dislike to me.’
I smiled. ‘Just make sure she doesn’t start pushing you too hard.’
‘Right, thanks for the lift. Chat this evening. Have a good morning up at Marks and Spencer.’
We kissed, and Craig headed off to catch his train. As it was the tail end of the school run, I had to wait to join the main road and then I sat in a long queue at the traffic lights.
The traffic built up as I approached the Westwood Cross retail park, bringing back memories of the slow-moving traffic on the approach to the QexChem site. Eventually, I reached the final roundabout before the main area of shops. However, instead of heading straight across, I indicated right towards a quite different address. Was I being foolish? I would soon find out.
**
Fifteen minutes later, I parked in a side street, locked my car, then hesitated. Once more, indecision was reaching its tentacles around me. My feet felt leaden. I also felt guilty about keeping this from Craig. Although it had been in the back of my mind, I genuinely had intended to go shopping. It had been a last-minute change of heart when courage had momentarily suffused my veins. However, now it was less apparent.
I sighed. Was I such a bag of nerves in the past? In my previous career, I’d had to make difficult decisions all the time, now making any seemed such a trial. However, this wasn’t a work matter, it was something far more personal, and that was the difference.
This was my second visit to Margate Police Station in the past fortnight. Hitherto, I’d only driven past, giving the building the merest glance. I got within a two-feet of the main door and stopped. I could feel my palms sweating, and I surreptitiously wiped them on my linen jacket. Was this the best course of action? My resolve deserted me, and I felt foolish and impulsive. Cursing my stupidity, I turned around just as the door opened and a middle-aged man emerged.
‘Oh, sorry,’ he said, ‘let me get the door for you.’
‘Oh, it’s OK, I’m....,’ my voice trailed off.
‘Are you going in?’ he asked.
‘Er, no, well, er, yes, thank you,’ I replied, avoiding the man’s gaze. I realised I was acting very strangely and I intended to wait a few moments before leaving the station and heading back to my car.
Once my eyes had adjusted from the bright sunlight outside, I could see one other person waiting, a young woman who was texting furiously at an enviable speed.
‘Good morning. How can I help?’ said a middle-aged woman at the reception desk.
‘Oh, good morning,’ I replied. However, I remained rooted to the spot. The woman was still looking at me expectantly, her expression gradually darkening to one of concern.
‘Are you alright, madam?’
‘Oh, yes. Sorry,’ I paused. ‘Actually, I think I’ll come back another time. I’ve made a mistake.’
‘I’m happy to chat things through with you if you would like.’
‘No, no, as I said, I think it’s better if I come back another time.’ Now, it wasn’t just my palms which were sweating, my armpits were perspiring profusely. Before she could question me further, I headed out through the main door. I didn’t look at the young woman in the waiting area for fear of seeing her smirking. On reflection, she had every right to smirk.
I checked my mobile, squinting against the sunlight to read the display. Craig had texted me jokingly, telling me to buy him something nice at the shops. I replied that I was having a good morning, and decided I had better stop off at the retail park on the way back. That way, I wouldn’t be telling lies to Craig when we spoke this evening, well, not completely. I would miss out my visit to the police as it was embarrassing in the extreme.
I sensed a car pulling up in the car park, and I put my phone back in my bag.
‘Oh, hi!’ called someone. ‘Mrs Needham, isn’t it?’
I looked up as the figure walked towards me. ‘Oh, yes, hi, Detective, er DI Forbes.’
‘DS Forbes. Are you OK? You look a bit flushed,’ she said.
‘Oh, yes, just a bit hot,’ I replied, shrugging off my linen jacket.
‘It’s not Rory, is it?’ asked DS Forbes, a note of concern in her voice. ‘Nothing else has happened, has it?’
‘Oh, no. No, nothing to do with Rory. Well, I’ve not heard from him for a while.’
‘I’ll go in!’ called her colleague, a large imposing man who looked to be suffering worse from the heat than myself.
‘So, what brings you here today? I know it’s a lovely building, but it’s not usually worth a special visit,’ she said sarcastically. Margate Police station had little to show for itself in terms of architectural excellence and was looking its age. I guessed it had been built in the 1960s and like many of the buildings of the era was bland and unprepossessing.
I pulled a wry smile. ‘I’ve been a bit foolish, I mean, my judgment was a bit off, shall we say. I shouldn’t have come here.’
‘Really? That does surprise me,’ said DS Forbes. ‘Your judgment was spot on the other day. You did the right thing in persuading Rory to come to us.’
‘Well, that’s nice of you to say. That was the right thing to do, but today, well, I shouldn’t have come. I’ve been worrying about something, and I didn’t have enough evidence for you to do anything about it.’
DS Forbes frowned. ‘Has anyone threatened you?’
‘Threatened?’
‘Yes. Because of Rory.’
The possibility of any comeback after persuading Rory to go to the police had never crossed my mind. I’d not considered that Rory’s thuggish associates might somehow have ascertained my identity.
‘No, no, nothing like that,’ I replied. ‘It’s a completely different matter.’ I tried to sound relaxed, but now I felt even more disquieted by the detective’s suggestion.
DS Forbes stared at me, then looked at her watch. ‘Are you sure you are OK?’ she asked. ‘I’m worried about you.’
Perhaps I looked even worse now on hearing the suggestion that someone might target me in retribution. ‘Sorry, I’ll be going, I don’t want to delay you.’
‘It’s OK. Fancy a cup of tea and a chat? You know how good our refreshments are here,’ she said. ‘Best cup of tea in Margate!’
‘Er, well, yes, OK.’
‘I’ve got a meeting in half an hour, but I could do with a break before then.’
We headed back into the police station, and the receptionist’s jaw dropped slightly as DS Forbes used her security pass and ushered me through the door in reception.
Chapter 29
‘Please call me Katy,’ said DS Forbes. ‘Now, is there something I can help with?’
We were sitting in a small office, and thankfully not an interview room. Despite Katy’s apology about the tea, it tasted fine to me. I had definitely had worse.
‘I’m not sure. I’m worried about wasting your time,’ I replied.
‘Just tell me what’s bothering you, and I’ll answer you as best I can.’
I told Katy about the circumstances of David’s death, and my concern that his suicide was questionable because of my recent discoveries. I also explained how he had been uncontactable for thirty-six hours before his death, and how uncharacteristic that had been. Katy didn’t take any notes but listened intently as if absorbing all my information like a sponge.
She did raise an eyebrow when I mentioned Craig’s discovery of David’s use of the dark web, and I felt perhaps that had been a revelation too far. Although, I needed to be honest, and emphasise just how secretive my husband had been.
‘Did your husband have any financial worries?’ asked Katy.
‘No, none at all. I administered his estate.’
‘So, you didn’t see any payments which you didn’t recognise or that he had withdrawn large sums of cash? That can suggest blackmail.’
I shook my head. ‘You see, I’ve begun to think that he was working on something for a journalist. Possibly a journalist, that is because I don’t know the person is, in fact, a journalist.’ Inwardly I winced at my inarticulate language. I was stumbling over my words, and as the minutes crept by I began to regret broaching the subject. I must have sounded so ill-prepared.
‘Do you have the journalist’s name?’ asked Katy, reaching in her pocket for a notebook.
I shook my head, ‘No. Just his first name and his email.’ I gave DS Forbes a post-it note with the email. ‘I’ve contacted him to ask him whether he was working with David on an exposé about what went on at QexChem.’
‘And what was that exactly?’
‘There was some misrepresentation of the data from a clinical trial, and details are in the documents.’
‘OK, but what do you think this journalist might have to do with your husband’s death?’
‘Well, I just wondered whether he put David under too much pressure. You see, he had mental health problems. He was very fragile. Perhaps it sort of pushed him over the edge, metaphorically speaking, I mean.’ I could hardly believe I’d said that. ‘My husband jumped from the cliff to his death, but I’m not suggesting this person pushed him, not in a physical sense.’
‘The thing is, Mrs Needham, the inquest usually discusses these sort of concerns, and we would have to have good reason to re-open it to obtain another verdict. And, we would need even more evidence or suspicion to open a criminal enquiry.’
‘What about the email?’
‘Anyone can create an email. If someone is trying to hide their identity, then it’s probably an alias email.’
‘I’ve got the details of one email because David copied it into a document, but he must have deleted all the others. But I’ve read that you can get a forensic examination of a laptop as nothing is really ever deleted. Isn’t that right?’
‘Well, yes, but that would be a lot of effort,’ replied Katy.
‘Yes, but if they found the emails then I’ve read you can trace the location of the computer? Oh, what’s the term? You can locate the ISP, that’s it.’
‘Your husband died eight months ago and when were these emails sent?’
I thought about the documents we had found. ‘I’m not exactly sure, but before my husband died. Obviously.’
‘So, coming up to a year then. The person might not be at that address now. It could be really difficult.’
I nodded. ‘I should have thought more about it at the time. When I think back to David’s death, I suppose my judgment was clouded by his mental state. You see, it wasn’t his first suicide attempt.’
‘Well, I can appreciate it was a very difficult time for you.’ Katy gave me a sympathetic smile. ‘Based on what you’ve told me, then I think I would have thought the same thing. As for the missing hours when David didn’t contact you, I’m afraid that’s not uncommon. People often want time alone to think about things before they take their own lives. I know it’s painful to accept, but, well, that’s what happens.’
What could I say? Everything Katy was saying made sense. I was acting on gut instinct, but the police dealt in facts. I should never have come to the police without further evidence.
‘I have to be honest with you, I don’t think there’s a lot we can do,’ Katy raised her hand to stop me interrupting. ‘However, I will think about it.’
‘I should have waited until I had more proof,’ I replied.
‘Perhaps, but you might not get more proof.’
I looked at her. ‘You think I should just forget it?’
‘I’m not saying that. I just don’t want to get your hopes up, that’s all.’
‘OK, well, thanks,’ I replied. ‘Sorry if I’ve wasted your time.’
‘So, are you happy for me to take a look at the documents he was working on?’
‘Yes, of course. I’ve put them on this USB stick.’
‘OK, I’ll have a read.’
‘Thank you. Also, he asked a friend of mine to set up a meeting with someone at QexChem, but she didn’t want to get involved.’
‘And do you know whether he ever met any of the current management there to discuss it?’
‘I don’t know. He might have kept it from me. He never told me about this, so there might be other things he kept from me.’
I heard Katy’s mobile vibrate.
‘Sorry, I’ve got to go now. Let me think about this. I’m not promising anything, you must realise that, and it’s not something I could work on officially. I’ll just think about it in my spare time, OK?’
‘Well, yes, that’s great. Thank you so much.’
‘It’s you I should thank for getting Rory to come in. We’ve made some significant arrests and not just in this area. We’ve broken up a big County Lines drug gang.’
‘Really? Well, that’s excellent!’
‘Yes, and Rory’s testimony made it easier.’
We said our goodbyes and I left Margate Police Station for the second time, except on this occasion I didn’t feel quite so foolish.
**
I spent a couple of hours at the retail park and bought some new trousers and a linen blouse which I didn’t really need, but somehow it helped to balance my trip to the police station. I didn’t feel so guilty that I had lied to Craig about my plans for the morning. It also meant I had less time at home to mull over my discussion with Katy. I just hoped I had done the right thing.
I was about halfway through mowing my back lawn which was growing with vigour due to the recent heavy rain, when I felt my mobile vibrating in my pocket.
‘Oh, hi, Craig! I wasn’t expecting to hear from you until this evening.’
‘Am I disturbing you?’
‘Only from mowing, it’s fine.’ I headed over to a chair and slumped down.
‘Did you spend lots of money in the shops?’ he asked.
