Waves of Guilt, page 12
I awoke at 5 a.m. and realised that I had experienced six hours of unbroken sleep, something of a record for me. Normally, the sound of birdsong and strong sunlight penetrating my bedroom curtains would have made further sleep impossible, but I turned over and managed another hour and a half of light slumber.
As I was eating breakfast, Craig contacted me, and we exchanged our usual early morning texts. Then, I checked the local news, and my heart began to beat faster. The police had arrested two men in connection with Luke Shepherd’s death and had been granted extra time for questioning them. My hands were shaking as I scrolled down the article. Would they be charged with assault or even murder? Time would tell, but I was so pleased that I had been able to persuade Rory to go to the police.
Naturally, Luke’s recent death had brought David’s suicide into focus. I still had to decide whether I wanted to pursue my concerns about it. Also, I didn’t want to focus on my late husband during my weekend with Craig as I didn’t want to sour my new found relationship before it had even got off the ground. I checked the fridge and saw that fruit supplies were running low, as were milk, eggs and cheese. It was time to stock up on provisions, and I knew which supermarket I would visit.
**
I wandered up and down the aisles at Waitrose at a more leisurely pace than I normally would, observing every employee in the hope of spotting Bella. At times, I wondered whether the security guard was keeping a close watch on me, so I decided to stop at the small cafe where I could linger longer without arousing suspicion.
There were only six tables, but I managed to get a seat facing into the shop. It wasn’t far from the Customer Services desk, and I hoped that Bella would be on duty that morning. She wasn’t on one of the tills, nor stacking the shelves, but I remained hopeful.
After half an hour, I'd seen no sign of my quarry, and I was beginning to feel despondent. I was aware that my chilled shopping was now almost certainly at room temperature, so it was time to admit defeat.
Another customer stood looking for a table, so I got up and offered mine. On reflection, I felt rather foolish. Had my memory let me down on this occasion? Thankfully, I’d not told Craig of my plan, otherwise, he might think I had an obsessive nature. Our relationship felt under enough strain as it was, and I needed to watch my step. Craig could just as easily flee from my life as quickly as he had entered it, and that thought made me sad.
As I made my way along to the tills, I passed the door to the service lift and the corridor to the staff room. Two assistants came out, chatting and laughing. I was transfixed. One of them was certainly Bella. There was no mistake.
‘Excuse me!’ said a customer. I had stopped blocking the aisle, and as it was now 10 a.m., the shop was getting busy with weekend shoppers.
‘Sorry,’ I replied, pushing my trolley to one side.
I saw Bella relieve another assistant on the Customer Services desk. Now was my chance. But what could I ask? Are you Bella, and why did your father lie about you being in France?
I wandered up and down the aisles thinking of a plan, then returned to Customer Services and asked about an item which appeared to have sold out.
‘Certainly, I’ll just go and check the stock room,’ replied the assistant. ‘Won’t be a moment.’
I nodded and smiled. I was now one hundred percent certain that this was the girl on Laura’s phone. Today, her auburn hair was twisted up on top of her head and secured with a clip. I had also noticed a small mole on her left cheek. Once again, I had faith in my memory. What’s more, her name badge said Isabella. Isabella or Bella, was this Joe’s daughter? From what I could see, I felt certain she was.
Chapter 23
We walked back from our meal at Posillipo’s pleasantly full, and in a relaxed mood. We had started with some antipasti dishes, followed by a vegetarian pasta dish for me and a pizza for Craig. The spinach and aubergine side dishes were too tempting, so we had a plate of each to share.
‘I want to go there again. It’s so authentic, and I loved sitting outside on the terrace overlooking the sea,’ said Craig.
‘It’s like being abroad without having the hassle of the journey,’ I added.
Upon leaving the restaurant, I’d linked arms with Craig. It seemed the natural thing to do, and I did feel slightly tipsy after sharing a bottle of red wine.
‘Oi!’ I said, as we turned into my road, spotting the fox snuffing across my front lawn. ‘I hope it’s not left me any little messages.’
‘Oh, dear, does that happen often?’
‘Not too often, but it’s not very pleasant when it does. It’s very liquid and smelly. Mind you, it’s easier to get rid of than Cyril!’
‘Enough detail, please! I’ve just eaten,’ said Craig.
I unlocked the door and switched on the lights, pulling the curtains closed in the lounge.
‘Put the TV on if you want,’ I said, offering Craig the remote control. ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’
I popped to the toilet and glanced at my reflection in the mirror. My cheeks were slightly flushed from the effect of the wine, but I had to admit that I looked more relaxed than I had for the last few days. After returning from Waitrose confused and concerned, I had decided to set aside my anxieties at least for one night. I was in danger of overloading myself, and though I still felt in the middle of an enigma, there was no immediate need for action. I had tried to focus on one positive from the past week, the arrests connected with Luke Shepherd’s death.
‘Can I get you anything?’ I asked. ‘Another drink? Tea, coffee?’
‘Er, well, are you having anything?’
‘I fancy a whisky, but I’ve other things.’
‘Then I’ll have a whisky too.’
I returned with two glasses and the bottle of single malt and poured us both a generous measure. ‘Cheers!’ I said
‘What are we celebrating?’ asked Craig sipping his whisky. ‘Mmm, lovely.’
‘We are celebrating a pleasant evening. Good company and good food,’ I replied.
‘I’ll drink to that,’ said Craig. He paused as if gathering his thoughts. ‘Thanks, Sarah for coming out with me. I enjoy being with you so much. It’s, I don’t know, it’s just, I feel so comfortable with you.’
He was looking straight at me as he spoke, then he leant forward and covered his face with his hands. ‘I’m getting embarrassed,’ he said. ‘I hope I don’t sound too soppy.’
I got up and went to sit next to him on the sofa. ‘You don’t sound soppy at all. Why is it that people don’t think men should share their feelings?’
Craig smiled and squeezed my hand. There didn’t seem to be a need to say anything, and we sat in silence, sipping our drinks.
After a few minutes, Craig broke the silence, ‘It’s so quiet here,’ he said. ‘My ears feel that they are ringing with the silence. I’ve not heard a car since we’ve been sitting here.’
‘It’s a quiet road. That’s one of the reasons why we chose it.’
‘There’s much more noise where I am in Canterbury, not surprisingly. It’s OK, though.’ Craig, placed his empty glass on the coffee table.
‘Refill?’
‘Why not. It’s not a school day tomorrow,’ he joked. ‘Bye the way, I had a look at Laura’s profile on Facebook,’ said Craig. ‘There are a few pictures of them both. Want to see them?’ Craig brought up the pictures, and I swiped through them.
‘That’s the one she showed me,’ I said.
I closed my eyes and relaxed back against the sofa. I felt guilty keeping my concerns from Craig, but at the same time, would it be yet another example of my paranoia? I didn’t want Craig to think I spent my time creating intrigue where none existed.
‘Sarah, something is clearly worrying you. Want to tell me about it?’
I poured myself another drop of whisky. Now was the moment. If our relationship had any mileage, I wanted us to be honest with each other from the start, so I told Craig about my shopping trip that morning.
Craig raised his eyebrows, and I quickly added, ‘I know, I know. It’s just, well, I’ve always had this knack for recognising faces.’
‘Even when Laura just flashed a photo at you?’
I shrugged.
‘Well, there’s not a lot I can say, either he’s lying, or you’re mistaken.’
‘It’s not a very common name, is it?’
‘I suppose not, but what are you going to do about it?’
‘Nothing, I suppose. Well, not at the moment.’
‘No. So, put it out of your mind.’
I didn’t reply.
‘Sorry,’ said Craig. ‘That sounded a bit bossy and patronising. I didn’t mean it to be. I just don’t want you to worry about it too much.’
‘It’s OK. It’s just bothering me.’
‘Sarah. I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but I want you to think about yourself. You’ve had a tough time, and you deserve some happiness.’
‘I know. I shouldn’t have said anything.’
‘It’s not that. I want you to discuss things with me, but I’m just concerned it’s all becoming too much for you.’
‘It’s not. Look, let’s forget it. I don’t want to ruin our evening.’
‘You haven’t ruined it at all. It’s the best evening I’ve had in ages.’
‘Me too.’
I snuggled against Craig, and he put his arm around my shoulder. I could feel his head on top of mine and the warmth of his body. Suddenly, I felt tense. David’s photo was on the bookshelf facing me. Guilt rushed in, and I pulled away from Craig, leaning forwards.
‘Are you OK?’ he asked. ‘Do you feel ill?’
I shook my head as tears filled my eyes. I brushed at them as they started to drop down on to my trousers.
‘Sarah? What’s the matter?’
‘I’ve just looked at David’s photo, and I feel like I’m betraying him. It’s silly, but I can’t help it.’
‘Oh, Sarah, come here,’ said Craig. He pulled me towards him, and I pressed myself against his chest. This simple action unleashed my grief. Was this the emotion I’d kept locked away for too long? Had I not grieved properly in the immediate aftermath of my loss?
I wasn’t a hugely demonstrative person, but whether it was the drink or maybe the company, I felt so emotionally fragile. Somehow I had pricked the tight skin of my reserve, and the puncture grew under the tension, creating a wide fissure, through which, my pain and anguish flowed in an unstoppable torrent. Although I had wept in the aftermath of David’s death, tonight’s outpouring was on a totally different scale. Its action was draining and cleansing at the same time. Had I crossed the Rubicon? I was unaware of time, of my environment, all I felt was Craig’s comforting words, and the strength of his arms as they remained wrapped around me, rocking me gently. I was transported back to our time together. The familiarity of his body was so amazingly reassuring. He was the rock I had needed in these past months as I had faced my tragedies alone. Now, held tightly by him, I could allow my grief to flow without embarrassment.
Chapter 24
I awoke feeling hot, my head pounding. I was lying on my side, facing the window, and I could sense the sunlight promising a fine day. My chest ached in the region of my breastbone, and the pain transported me back to the previous evening when I had yielded to the pent up grief which had been tormenting me for the last six months. As I regained my senses, I realised I wasn’t alone in my bed. Carefully, I turned on to my back, then looked at my companion, whose back was towards me, his bare arm outside the duvet. Craig was sleeping peacefully, his breathing barely discernable.
I felt uncomfortable and restrained by my clothing, which appeared to be my outfit from last night. My blouse was cutting into my armpit, and the waistband of my trousers felt damp with perspiration. I closed my eyes, and the sketchy details of my emotional breakdown returned. Sometime after midnight, Craig had made me a cup of tea, then brought me up to bed. I remembered him supporting me as I gingerly sought out each tread of the staircase. Every step required great effort as the tears still flowed. He must have been worried about my welfare and had slept alongside me in case I needed him or had nightmares. There was even a glass of water on my bedside table.
It was a shock waking up with Craig, but it made me realise how caring and considerate he was. Last night I’d been so vulnerable, and he had been my rock, providing me with the stability I had lacked for many years. I’d become so used to supporting David in his emotional battle that I’d forgotten what it was like to be able to lean on someone else. As I lay there, I decided I liked that feeling.
Even though I felt comfortable with Craig, our reborn relationship was in its infancy, and I wanted to tidy myself up before Craig saw me again in the cold light of day. I didn’t want to wake Craig by using my en-suite bathroom, so I inched myself upright, swung my legs out of bed very slowly and lifted myself off the mattress. Holding my breath, I tiptoed barefoot towards the bedroom door, which luckily was open. I felt like a burglar in my own home, scurrying along the landing to reach the sanctuary of the main bathroom. I closed the door as carefully as I could and peered at myself in the mirror.
I longed for a soak in a foaming bath, but that would entail running the water, and the plumbing in my house was quite noisy. I opted for a strip wash at the basin, discarding my clothes in a heap in the bath. Feeling slightly fresher and dressed in a towelling robe, I hurried along to the smallest bedroom which I used for ironing and airing my clothes. Dressed in clean underwear, a T-shirt and cropped chinos, I padded slowly downstairs in search of a comforting cup of tea.
It was just after 9 a.m., whilst I was on my second large mug of tea, when I heard my creaking staircase, signalling Craig was awake.
‘Sarah, how are you?’ he asked almost whispering as he entered the kitchen, dressed in his clothes from last night. His face looked strained, and his stubble more pronounced than I remembered from when he had stayed over before.
‘I’ve felt better, but I’d be much worse if you hadn’t been here last night.’
Craig smiled weakly as he sat down opposite me.
‘I’m so sorry I, er, well, lost it last night. I feel shocked at the way I just crumbled. I’m sorry you had to witness it.’
Craig reached for my hand. ‘There’s no need to apologise. Don’t be embarrassed, there’s no need. No need at all.’
‘I hadn’t realised how I must have been trying to hold it all together. I think I got so used to being strong for David, that when I needed to let go, I’d forgotten how to.’
Craig smiled encouragingly.
‘I’ve been thinking back to the time immediately after he died.’ I sighed. ‘I was sort of drifting along, existing. I’d go to buy something in the shop, then leave it on the counter or I’d come back without the things I needed.’ I shook my head. ‘I had to cancel my credit card a couple of times as I thought I’d lost it, then I found it had been in my purse all the time.’
‘It’s perfectly understandable.’
‘Once or twice I found myself driving and I’d no idea where I was going. I even ended up on the Thanet Way, heading towards the M2 when I’d intended to go to Canterbury. I had no recollection of the journey.’
‘Oh, Sarah. It must have been so awful coping alone. Did the counselling help?’
‘A bit, but I wasn’t really honest about my feelings. I didn’t tell her all these incidents.’
‘Why not?’
I shrugged. ‘Pride, I guess. I didn’t want her to realise what a mess I was. My family had never been very demonstrative when it came to showing their feelings. I suppose it was a carry-over from them.’
‘I hope it’s helped you to get it out of your system. Do you think it has?’
‘It’s too soon to tell, but I hope so. At the moment, I feel sort of empty as if someone has drained all the life out of me. Exhausted as if I’ve walked ten miles or so.’
‘You can rest, you don’t have to do anything.’
‘I know I can, and I will.’
We held hands, and Craig’s face relaxed slightly, which lessened the lines on his forehead.
‘Oh, Craig, I’ve not offered you any breakfast. I’m so rude,’ I said, shaking my head.
‘I’ll just get some water. Then if you don’t mind, I’ll grab a quick shower. Why don’t you go back to bed or lie on the sofa?’
‘OK, I’ll go into the lounge whilst you get ready.’
I opened the curtains in the lounge before sitting down with my legs up on the sofa. As usual, my eyes drifted towards David’s photo on the bookshelf. ‘Oh, David. How I loved you. Please forgive me, but I think it’s time for me to move on.’
Tears pricked my eyes as I thought once more about my loss. Life went in phases, I could never forget my time with David, nor did I ever want to, but the emphasis had to shift, and his memory would have to diminish. I knew I had to move forward. I just wasn’t sure how difficult it would be.
Chapter 25
Late morning, we went for a short walk down to the sea, then returned home for some lunch. I didn’t feel very hungry but felt I should try to eat something, so I scrambled some eggs, and we had them with toast and salad. We adjourned to the garden to have a cup of tea as the weather was by now, pleasantly warm.
I put up the parasol and tilted it to give us some privacy, as I had noticed that Cyril often found something to do atop his ladder.
‘Oh, this is the life,’ said Craig. ‘I’m looking forward to retirement!’
‘I can recommend it, not that I’ve been free from work for very long.’
We were interrupted by some drilling and knocking from my new neighbours.
‘Well, Cyril should be pleased. It sounds like they are doing some work on the house,’ I said.
‘What’s it to do with him?’
I explained Cyril’s recent complaints and Craig raised his eyes heavenward. ‘So basically, he’s a nosey old devil.’
