Waves of Guilt, page 11
I let Laura speak without interruption.
‘He’s a widower, actually.’
‘Oh, no. That’s sad.’
‘His wife died of a brain tumour three years ago. He’s had a tough time, but he’s trying to move on and rebuild his life.’
‘Well, I’m sure you will help him do that.’
‘I hope so,’ Laura paused. ‘As you know, brain tumours are so hard to treat. It must have been awful to watch her suffer.’
‘Tragic,’ I replied. ‘Were they able to operate on it?’
‘I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t like to ask him about it too much. I mean, I did mention it once, and I could see how upset he got. I’m avoiding the subject for the moment as I don’t want to embarrass him.’
‘He’ll tell you more about it when he’s ready,’ I replied. ‘Where does he work?’
‘In the NatWest Bank in Canterbury, he’s an assistant manager.’
‘Oh, very good,’ I replied. ‘Does he live in Canterbury?’
‘No. In Ramsgate. So, some nights he stays with me, and then he only has a short walk to work.’
Laura showed me a selfie of them both pulling faces at the camera. They looked relaxed and comfortable with each other.
‘Well, keep me posted, won’t you?’
‘I will,’ smiled Laura.
‘Does he have any children?’
‘Yes, a girl, Isabella. I’ve got a photo of her too. She’s very pretty.’
‘Oh, that’s a lovely name. Quite unusual.’
‘Joe’s wife, Maria, had Italian grandparents, that’s where the name comes from, but Joe calls his daughter Bella.’
I looked at the photo of Isabella, and a seed of recognition clicked in my brain. Laura must have noticed me frowning.
‘What’s the matter?’
‘Oh, nothing. She looks familiar. I’m just trying to think where I’ve seen her before. Perhaps in a shop, or was it.....?’ I really couldn’t quite place her, but I felt sure I’d seen her face. There was nothing particularly remarkable about her, but she was pretty with long auburn hair. Her eyes shone with laughter as she looked directly at the camera.
‘I think you must be mistaken. She’s doing languages at university and is currently in France doing her third year.’
‘Oh? I must be getting confused. Anyway, are you planning to meet her?’
‘I hope so, but Joe hasn’t arranged anything. He’s told her, of course, but she’s not due back until September before she starts back at uni. I guess I’ll meet her then.’
‘That will be nice,’ I murmured. I still couldn’t get the image of Isabella or Bella out of my mind. I was finding it increasingly difficult to remember names, but I prided myself on recognising a face. David had once suggested I offer my services to the police as a ‘super-recogniser’ before they started to use facial recognition by computer to pick out wanted people.
I decided to let the matter go as I might have been mistaken, and at that moment, the waitress wandered by to remove our empty bowls. We turned down desserts, but each asked for coffee.
‘I’ve been doing all the talking. I’m so rude. How are you, Sarah?’
‘I’m not too bad. I think I told you that I’ve given up writing for Modern Science. I fancied a change, and Clare can be a bit of a slave-driver.’
‘So she can hassle Craig now, then.’
‘Exactly. What else? Well, I’m going to be a school governor, and I’ve decided it’s time for some more hobbies.’
‘Fancy talking up running?’
‘Ha! I’m too old. Walking is fine for me.’ I began to feel tired, and although I was enjoying Laura’s company, my two consecutive nights of poor sleep were catching up with me. I tried to relax my shoulders, and my face muscles as I could feel a niggling pain above my eye. A headache was creeping back, and I wanted the comfort of my bed again.
‘Are you OK?’ asked Laura. ‘You look a bit, well, peaky.’
‘I’ve not been sleeping very well and perhaps ditching my job has made me anxious.’
‘Sure it’s nothing else? You are OK, physically, I mean?’
‘Yes, I’m due a check-up in a couple of months, and I examine myself regularly.’
Laura looked at me directly as if she might be able to see what was troubling me. ‘Completely sure there’s nothing else?’
I smiled. ‘Well, it’s hard getting used to life without David. I can’t pretend otherwise.’
‘Oh, Sarah. I hope you didn’t feel I was being insensitive by going on about Joe when you are still getting over David’s death. I don’t want to make things worse for you.’
‘Nonsense! I want to hear what’s going on in your life. I have to move on as well, and I’m trying to do that. I bagged up the remainder of his clothes the other day. That’s a step forward.’
‘Oh, that must have been so hard. I’ve heard people say that dealing with clothes is the worst part.’
I shrugged. The worse part was knowing that David wasn’t there to wear the clothes. Waking up and reaching across to his side of the bed, then realising it was empty. Doing everything alone and having nobody to discuss things with.
I told Laura about finding the memory stick and the document I’d read. ‘So, I just wondered whether you might have any idea what or whom he was writing it for? You came round for a couple of meals in the months before he died and I wondered whether he had chatted to you about it, with you being in the same line of work, so to speak?’
Laura thought for a few moments. ‘Well, now you come to mention it, there was one time actually when he asked me something. It was when I was around for lunch, and your neighbour came to the door about something. Well, whilst you were dealing with him, David started asking me about the Excelor programme and whether there was anyone still left on-site within the remaining staff of QexChem who would have access to the clinical data.’
I almost spilt my coffee. ‘What? Why was that?’
‘I think he wanted to set up a meeting with someone to get them on board with something he was writing. From what you’ve just said, I guess it was to do with the document you found.’
‘And what did you say?’
‘I said I couldn’t help him. I’d only just taken up my new job at BioJan, and I didn’t want to jeopardise it. If they got wind I was dredging all this up again, it could have compromised me.’
‘What did David say?’
‘He was disappointed, naturally. He asked if I thought anyone else would be willing to help him.’
‘And did you?’
‘I said I couldn’t think of anyone. I didn’t want to lumber someone else with it.’
‘Did you ask him what he was up to?’
Laura shook her head. ‘I wasn’t interested. I’d moved on from that part of my life. I wanted to forget it. Besides, asking him about it would have been showing interest in it, and I didn’t want to get sucked in.’
My headache was now firmly establishing itself, and I was starting to feel ill. I fumbled in my bag for some painkillers and washed them down with the dregs of my coffee.
‘Can I get you some water?’ asked Laura, looking concerned.
‘No, thanks.’
‘Are you annoyed with me?’
I sighed. ‘No, of course not. I just wish I’d known about it before.’
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t think to mention it after....,’ she paused. ‘Well, it didn’t seem relevant after what happened.’
‘No, but perhaps it is relevant,’ I said sullenly.
‘Why?’
‘I don’t know, but it concerns me. I thought I’d moved on as well, but now this has happened and it’s set me back. I can’t stop thinking about whether something was going on, which played a part in David’s death.’
Laura frowned. ‘I’m not really sure I understand.’
‘Nor do I, but I’m going to think about it and don’t tell me not to.’
Laura held up her hands in submission.
‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you.’
‘It’s OK. Don’t worry about it.’
‘I want to know what happened in those thirty-six hours when he didn’t contact me.’
‘But surely.....,’ Laura started to say.
My headache was making me irritable, and my face felt flushed. ‘I just can’t stop thinking about it. I think perhaps something isn’t right.’
‘How do you mean, isn’t right?’
‘I’m not sure. It’s just a feeling, and it’s eating away at me.’
‘Sarah, do you think you ought to discuss this with someone, I mean professionally? Like counselling?’
‘I do have counselling. You know that, but I’m not going to discuss this particular issue because it will look like I’m not making progress, and I’m planning to wind up the sessions soon.’
‘OK, but I think you should discuss it with someone. We can meet up again when I’ve got more time.’
‘I have,’ I replied bluntly. ‘I’ve discussed it with Craig.’
‘Oh, of course. So, you are seeing quite a bit of each other then?’
‘Well, I guess we are. Why?’
‘No, nothing. I mean, I’m pleased for you.’
Although the three of us had chatted together at Stuart’s funeral, I’d not got around to telling Laura about my previous relationship with Craig, so now seemed the time to enlighten her.
Laura smiled as I told her. ‘So, Craig thinks your suspicions are correct? David was writing an exposé?’
‘Well, it’s the most obvious observation. But exactly where I go with it, I’m not sure. My mind is in a muddle, and I’m not in the best frame of mind to think properly about it all.’
‘I’m so sorry, Sarah, that you are having to go through these painful memories again,’ said Laura. ‘Look, I don’t mean to seem rude, but I have to get back to work. As I said, we can discuss this again.’
‘Yes, possibly. I need to think about it myself first. I need to go. I’m not feeling that good.’
We said our goodbyes, and I felt sad that I had destroyed the light-hearted mood of our lunch. After leaving the pub, we walked along the pavement a little way before we went our separate ways.
‘Laura, I’m sorry I spoiled our meal. I’m still a bit fragile. I should have thought about things more before I mentioned it to you. It’s just you said you were going to be busy, and I wanted to seize the opportunity to run it by you.’
‘It’s fine. I’m glad you brought it up, but I can’t really shed much light on it for you. Sorry.’
We had parked in different places, so I wandered back to my car alone. Laura had confirmed that David was preparing a report, most likely for a journalist. However, the question remained, had it had a bearing on his death, and what could I do to uncover the truth?
Chapter 21
Upon returning home, I had gone straight up to bed. Tiredness overcame my anxiety, and I experienced a couple of hours of dreamless sleep. I awoke just after 5 p.m. feeling thirsty, but refreshed. My stomach was rumbling with hunger, but before I could satisfy it, I needed a shower and some clean clothes.
The comforting spray from the shower, lifted me physically and mentally, renewing my positivity. Though I was still determined to uncover more details about David’s project, I didn’t want my doggedness to destroy my relationships. There had to be a balance, I told myself. Until I found some firm evidence that a journalist had influenced David, I had to live in the moment, not in the past.
As I waited for the kettle to boil, I looked at my phone. Laura had texted me a few times, worried that I was OK and asking me to contact her. I reassured her that my headache was better and apologised for my ratty mood at lunchtime.
Craig had also texted me, and called a couple of times, but hadn’t left a voicemail.
Sarah, I got the advertising for my blog! Yippee! Hope you had a good lunch? Chat later XX.
Well done! Great news! I replied.
As I was drinking my tea, Craig phoned back.
‘Oh, hi, great news about picking up some extra advertising,’ I said, trying to sound as upbeat as possible.
‘Thanks. He’s also given me some good ideas for getting more exposure for my blog. Also, Clare liked my article and hasn’t made many changes.’
‘Sounds like you’ve had a great day,’ I replied.
‘I sound like I’m boasting, but it has gone well. What about you? How’s Laura?’
‘Oh, she’s really good. She seems very happy, and she told me all about her new bloke, Joe.’
‘Is he a real hunk?’
I laughed. ‘Well, he’s quite attractive, yes. A bit young for me, obviously.’
‘More of a hunk than me?’
‘Of course not,’ I replied, smiling.
‘What a relief. I thought you might be about to give me the push.’
I wasn’t sure what to say to Craig’s last remark, as I was deciding what to say next.
‘Sarah, are you sure you’re OK? You sound, I don’t know, hesitant as if something has upset you?’
I relayed the lunchtime conversation and how tensions had increased towards the end when I’d asked Laura about David. Part of me wished I’d waited until I could see his reaction. I wondered if he was raising his eyes heavenward as the details unfolded.
‘Well, it sounds like your suspicions were correct,’ said Craig. ‘I can understand how it was a shock for you.’
‘Yes, but I accused Laura of keeping stuff from me. That was unfair. If I had been in her position, I wouldn’t have said anything either.’
‘So, just tell her you’re sorry and that you want to see her again.’
‘I will. I feel guilty about spoiling our lunch when Laura was so excited about Joe.’ I filled Craig in on Joe’s background, and he was naturally sympathetic.
‘Well, I’m looking forward to tomorrow night. I won’t have much lunch so I can make a pig of myself at the restaurant.’
‘Yes. I’m looking forward to it too. By the way, I told Laura that we are seeing each other quite often.’ I felt my face flush, as I still felt nervous about acknowledging our newly fledged relationship. ‘I also told her that we’d been an item before.’
‘So,’ we both said simultaneously.
‘Sorry, go ahead,’ said Craig.
‘Oh, it’s just that I’m worried about Laura. She seems, well, so excited about Joe. I don’t want her to get hurt.’
‘She’s a grown woman. You don’t have to worry about her.’
‘I know, but I’m just worried that this Joe has.....,’ I paused, ‘well, a lot of baggage and Laura might find it difficult.’
‘You’ve got baggage too, remember.’
I felt stunned. Craig was right, but hearing it stated like that felt wounding. I bit my lip to prevent myself from retorting that he had just as much baggage, a divorce and a son who had struggled with drug addiction. My silence must have conveyed my shock down the line.
‘Sarah, sorry. I shouldn’t have said that,’ said Craig.
‘I guess we all collect baggage as we pass through life,’ I said rather coldly.
‘I just meant, you don’t need to feel responsible for Laura. She’s not stupid, and if she wants to rush headlong into a relationship, it’s up to her. As you said, she’s had a few relationships. Perhaps she feels that Joe is Mr Right?’
‘OK, well, I won’t feel responsible for Laura, then,’ I replied sternly.
We were both silent. Perhaps it was best if we took a few moments to think about our replies rather than resorting to sniping at each other.
I decided it was best to change the subject. ‘I’ve not thanked you for checking that email to Geoff.’
‘No problem. It was just short and sweet. Let me know as soon as you get a reply.’
‘Of course, I will, but I’m not getting my hopes up.’
‘I can’t wait to see you tomorrow,’ said Craig.
‘I hope the restaurant is good as I suggested it. I’ve not been there for a while,’ I replied.
We said our goodbyes, and before I could put it off any longer, I opened up my laptop and brought up my draft email to Geoff.
Dear Geoff,
I am David Needham’s late wife and I came across your email whilst dealing with David’s files and correspondence. It looks like you were writing an account of the clinical trial falsification which occurred at QexChem some years ago. If you met with my husband in the weeks before his death, I wondered whether you would be willing to speak to me, either in person or by phone or email?
Regards,
Sarah Needham.
I pressed send, and my heart began to race. I’d done it. Would anything come of it? I had no idea, but at least I’d contacted Geoff.
I poured away my tepid tea and began to look in the fridge for a meal. I picked up a box of filled pasta and decided to boil half of it and freeze the rest. As I looked at the label, an image flashed into my mind. The pasta was from Waitrose, and I was sure I’d seen Bella in the Ramsgate branch a few weeks ago. I closed my eyes, hoping I could conjure up the image. I’d gone there to pick up a John Lewis order, and I’d had to queue at the Customer Service desk as she was helping an elderly lady who was querying the price of something. Another assistant came over and took my order number before scurrying off to retrieve my parcel.
As I set some water to boil, I felt sure my memory was reliable. If the assistant was the girl on Laura’s phone, then Joe wasn’t telling Laura the truth. The first question was, why should he lie about his daughter being in France? The second question was, should I follow up on my concerns? It wasn’t my business, and I’d told Craig I wouldn’t worry about her, but deep down, I felt I owed it to Laura. However, would it end not just their relationship, but mine with Laura?
Chapter 22
That evening, I texted Laura a few times to apologise, attempting to build bridges. Thus, I had gone to bed at 10 p.m. feeling in a calmer state of mind than I had for a couple of days. I pushed my worries about David into the background as I felt I needed a break from emotional torment. I also eschewed alcohol, opting for a green tea instead, and downloaded the latest Mark Billingham novel, Their Little Secret, on to my tablet. Interestingly, part of the story took place in nearby Margate.
