Waves of Guilt, page 13
‘He’s not that bad. He just thinks everyone should live their lives as he does.’
‘Alone, you mean?’
‘Well, yes, I suppose so. He is kind, and he’s around a lot, so it’s added security for me. I think he just struggles with change.’
‘Who used to live next door?’
‘An elderly lady. She went into a home. Cyril used to spend a lot of time helping her, and I suppose he misses her.’
‘So now he’s latched on to you?’
‘He’d like to. Hopefully, you might put him off.’
‘Charming!’ joked Craig. ‘I’m so frightening, am I? Or just odd?’
I laughed. ‘Neither.’
The noise became louder, accompanied by some swearing.
‘Oh, dear. It doesn’t sound to be going too well,’ said Craig. ‘Shall I look over the fence?’
‘No! Don’t! They’ll spot you.’
‘I’ll be discreet,’ whispered Craig.
‘Look, if you want to peep, there’s a knothole in the wood. Just next to that concrete post there. Behind the rose bush.’
Craig crept along to the fence and put his eye to the whole. He turned and gave me a thumbs-up sign, then walked back exaggerating his steps like a cartoon character.
‘Mission accomplished, sir!’ he said, saluting. ‘It’s not very exciting. They seem to be putting a vent in the wall. Probably for a new central heating system.’
‘Oh, well, they seem to be struggling.’
‘The garden is like a jungle. They will need a new lawn.’
‘And I’ll have to do mine this week as well. It grows so quickly,’ I paused. ‘I’m surprised they are putting in a new heating system. I’m sure Mrs Willis had one installed only a couple of years ago.’
Craig shrugged. ‘Maybe it needed upgrading.’
I yawned. ‘Sorry.’
‘Why don’t you go and have a nap? I’m quite happy. Can I do anything for you?’
‘There are the files we need to try to unlock, but I can’t face it at the moment.’
‘I’m tired too. Perhaps we can look at the laptop this evening?’ suggested Craig.
‘Yes. Part of me wants to know, and part of me is frightened at what might be in there.’
‘As I said, we don’t have to look at them.’
‘I know, but we’ve come this far, I need to carry on.’ I yawned again. ‘God, this is hopeless. I just can’t stop yawning.’
‘Just go and have a sleep,’ said Craig firmly.
‘It seems rude. Besides, there’s all the knocking.’
‘Use the front bedroom. It should be quieter.’
‘OK, if you insist.’
‘I do. Go on now.’
I collected up the cups and headed inside.
**
My short nap became a four-hour sleep. Thus it was after 6 p.m., when I awoke, confused and then guilty at leaving Craig alone for so long. I arose, washed my face and listened for signs of life downstairs. I couldn’t hear the TV and went back into my bedroom to see if he was still in the garden, but he wasn’t there either.
As I approached the lounge, I could see Craig slumped on the sofa asleep, the TV still on. He too was catching up on the previous disturbed night I had bestowed upon him. I boiled the kettle and made myself a cup of tea as quietly as I could, but my actions were enough to disturb Craig.
‘Oh, hi,’ said Craig, ‘did you sleep well?’
‘I did. Four hours undisturbed sleep, I feel much better. What about you? Sleep well?’
‘I’d just closed my eyes,’ joked Craig. ‘I think I dropped off about four.’
‘Tea?’
‘Yes, please.’ He stretched his arms above his head. ‘Oh, that feels better.’
We took our drinks into the lounge, and Craig switched on David’s laptop. I snuggled up next to him and gave him a couple of kisses on his neck.
‘Put me down!’ joked Craig.
‘I can’t help it if you are irresistible,’ I replied.
‘Stop lying,’ said Craig.
‘I’m not! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.’
‘I’m trying to concentrate on sorting out these files,’ said Craig.
‘Sorry. Whilst you do that, I’ll go and put the oven on. Oh, one more thing, can you check the hard drive to see whether there are any other files or folders connected with GF?’
‘Will do.’
‘If you find any, copy them over to the USB stick in case there are any problems.’
‘Consider it done,’ replied Craig.
As I set the table in the kitchen and rummaged about in the fridge freezer, I hoped that we were finally about to discover the contents of the locked files. My late husband had been determined to keep his work secret from me, and I felt hurt. Maybe I would never know his true intentions?
‘Is a fish pie OK?’ I said, returning to the lounge.
‘Great. So, I’ve copied those files across to the USB stick.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Next, I need to install the software Andy recommended.’ Craig clicked a few buttons, and the software began to download. This was the moment of truth.
Chapter 26
‘Right, shall we see if it can work its magic?’
‘I’ll cross my fingers,’ I indicated to Craig and waited.
‘Yay!’ he shouted. ‘High five!’
I snuggled up next to Craig, and he angled the laptop so we could both see the screen.
‘It’s a bit complicated,’ said Craig. ‘There are loads of tables with statistical data.’
‘Scroll down to the bottom,’ I said, looking at the long document. Craig allowed me to read without interruption. ‘Well, it looks to me as though this is data which David must have copied when he worked at QexChem and he’s compiled it all together in a summary document. ‘See, he’s got a table comparing the efficacy of Excelor when you include different data sets.’
‘Meaning?’
I relaxed back and closed my eyes.
‘Are you OK?’ asked Craig.
‘Yes, I’m just thinking. I remember having this discussion with David at the time. He suspected that they were missing out some of the data which showed when it was less effective. That way, the results were skewed.’
‘But how did they manage that?’
‘Oh, I think they tried to make out there was some flaw in the trial or something.’
‘So do you think that this information is enough for a journalist to run with?’ asked Craig.
‘How do you mean?’
‘Well, would it be proof?’
I shrugged. ‘Not sure. I guess QexChem has probably destroyed the original data now. It’s quite a while ago.’
‘So, QexChem could just deny it, then?’
‘Yes, I suppose so, but a document like this would be bad publicity for the company. It would certainly damage their image.’
‘Shall we carry on?’ asked Craig.
The next document contained more data, and the subsequent one was David’s summary, presumably for Geoff, but in more detail. It was highly critical of senior management. David stated that there was a lack of regulation and internal validation.
‘Well, there seems little doubt that Geoff and David were working on an exposé,’ said Craig. ‘I wonder how David found him?’
‘That’s a good question. I’ve no idea. Or vice versa, Geoff could have found David. Either way, David never told me about any of this,’ I replied. ‘We lived together, and I’d no idea he was so involved in all this.’
‘Oh, Sarah,’ sighed Craig. ‘I’m so sorry if this is upsetting you.’
‘It’s OK. I wanted to know what was in the files. I’m getting used to the idea that I didn’t know David as well as I thought.’
‘Do you want to finish going through them?’
‘Yes, let’s get it over with.’
For some reason, the next file wouldn’t open. It appeared to be corrupted. However, the next one was a summary of all the results that David claimed hadn’t been reported. Further evidence of a lack of rigour in the clinical department.
The last file was headed, ‘Transcript.’ I quickly read through the first page. ‘Oh, God,’ I said. ‘It’s a summary of the conversation David had with Stuart Barnes when he confronted him about it.’
Craig scrolled down the text. ‘Do you think he secretly recorded it?’
‘I doubt it, but I’m sure David must have taken notes. He had a good memory, so he probably went straight back to his desk and typed it all up immediately afterwards.’
‘Well, it confirms what I always thought about Barnes,’ said Craig. ‘What a complete bastard.’
‘Look what it says here. Barnes told David that he would lose his bonus and be demoted if he complained about him. He accused him of taking time off sick when he wasn’t ill.’
‘But how could he do that?’
‘David almost had a nervous breakdown at one point. I think he was working too hard and well, he was a bit fragile. Also, his father was quite ill. So, he went back part-time for a few months, and Barnes wasn’t very sympathetic.’
‘But couldn’t David have gone to HR to complain about the way he was treated?’
‘Oh, yes, he did, but that only made Barnes even worse. He picked him up on the slightest thing. Hassled him all the time and then when David confronted him with the suspected data manipulation, he told him he couldn’t prove it.’
‘So, Excelor carried on for how long after this?’
I did the calculation. ‘Well, about another eighteen months, two years?’
‘By which time Barnes had risen up the ranks and that branch of QexChem, continued to be funded by the senior board in the hope that they would discover other potential drugs?’
‘Exactly, but they didn’t. Then it got to the stage when they couldn’t keep Excelor going any longer. Too many people were showing poor outcomes in the clinics. The drug just wasn’t good enough.’
Craig remained silent. We were both transported back to our time at QexChem.
I finished reading the transcript. ‘Here’s another thing. Barnes told David that he could jeopardise the future of the site, and then loads of people would lose their jobs.’
Craig shook his head. ‘Typical of him to try to make someone else feel guilty for his bad practice.’
‘Exactly. David would have felt so guilty if he had been the one to make things unravel at QexChem.’
‘I’m glad I left when I did. It doesn’t give a good feeling, does it?’
‘No, but it wasn’t all like this. Barnes was one bad apple, but not everyone was like him. Thankfully,’ I added.
‘True.’
‘Oh, goodness,’ I sighed. ‘I’m just trying to get my head around all this.’
Craig remained silent.
‘So, can you put the opened files on this memory stick, please?’ I said.
Craig did as I requested.
‘You know, it’s such a pity that Barnes isn’t around to have to face this. I’d love people to know how he was involved in all this.’
‘Me too.’
‘Well, at least we’ve solved one mystery,’ I said. ‘I’m still hoping that we can find out who the journalist is and what discussions he had with David.’
Craig didn’t reply immediately. I could sense he was thinking carefully about how to respond. ‘Sarah. I don’t want to seem negative, and I know I’ve said this before, but I just can’t see why or how Geoff would have influenced David to take his own life.’
I nodded. ‘No, deep down, I think I feel the same. Which means I’ve been reading too much into all this, doesn’t it?’
‘In terms of these files, then probably, yes. But, there’s still the fact that David had traces of drugs in his system. Drugs you knew nothing about.’
‘I know, and it’s niggling away at me.’
‘But at the same time, what can we do? That’s the question.’
I shrugged. ‘I think it’s been a combination of finding these files and Barnes’ death. It’s sort of focused my mind along this path, and I’ve got carried away.’
‘Well, it’s not exactly getting carried away. You’ve not done anything rash, have you?’
‘No. That’s because I’ve been able to discuss things with you,’ I replied, smiling at Craig.
‘I don’t think I deserve any credit.’
‘You helped me with this, just now! Of course you deserve credit.’ I thought about our discoveries. ‘It’s hard moving on,’ I said.
‘Sarah, believe me, I’m not blaming you for wanting to find out. It was the right thing to do.’
I looked at Craig. Despite my earlier enthusiasm, I knew that I had to face facts. ‘Well, I guess there’s no way of knowing whether David was with Geoff immediately before he died, is there?’
‘He still might contact you.’
‘I’m not holding out any hope,’ I replied. ‘And besides, I doubt he will want to be involved. Doubtless, he knows David’s dead.’
Craig took my hand. ‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have suggested contacting him?’
‘No, it was the right thing to do. It doesn’t matter.’
‘On balance, I think Geoff is unlikely to admit to influencing David in any way,’ said Craig.
‘I know,’ I paused. ‘I realise what I have to do now.’
‘Oh?’ said Craig.
‘Yes. I’ll have to let it go.’
Chapter 27
After dinner, we shared a bottle of white wine, which meant I had consumed a lot more alcohol than I normally did, but I felt I needed to relax. The next few days would be alcohol-free. I was subdued and thoughtful after reading the files, and we watched a wildlife programme as a distraction.
After watching the world news for ten minutes or so, Craig asked if he could switch the TV off. He seemed nervous, and I wondered why that was.
‘Sarah, whilst the software was installing, I just had a quick look at the program files, and I noticed something. I mean, well, you might already know about this.’
Craig had become hesitant, and I started to worry. Had he found porn on David’s laptop after all?
‘Well, to me, it looks like David was accessing the dark web. Were you aware of that?’
I frowned. ‘No. Really?’
‘The Tor browser is on there. Have you heard of it?’
‘I’m not sure, perhaps.’
‘Well, it’s certainly been installed. I don’t know what he was using it for.’
‘But isn’t it what people use to buy drugs and things like that? Oh, God, do you think he was trying to buy drugs to commit suicide?’
‘I’ve no idea, it’s possible, but that’s not its only use. It’s highly encrypted, so it’s more secure.’
‘I can’t believe this,’ I replied. ‘What on earth was so secret?’
‘I don’t know, but whether or not he used the dark web, it certainly seems he was involved in something he wanted to keep quiet,’ replied Craig.
I sighed.
‘I had to mention it,’ replied Craig. ‘Sorry, if I’ve given you something else to worry about.’
‘Don’t apologise. I’m glad you mentioned it. I don’t want someone else keeping things from me. It’s bad enough finding all this stuff belonging to David.’
‘Well, as I said, it might just have been to do with dealing with sensitive material, and he wanted to make extra sure nobody could hack into it.’
‘But how likely is that? I mean, we aren’t celebrities or MPs. It seems odd.’
Craig sighed. ‘I don’t know. Perhaps it’s nothing to worry about. People do use it legitimately.’
‘I thought I knew my husband, now I’m beginning to wonder if I knew him at all.’
‘Oh, Sarah. I don’t think you should start to question your whole relationship with him. This is one incident in your years together.’
‘I try to remember the happy times, but just at this moment, all I can focus on is his death. These latest findings only serve to emphasise the awfulness of his last days.’
‘Well, it’s understandable. I’d feel the same. I hope it won’t give you nightmares.’
I smiled. ‘Not if you are with me.’
Craig looked me straight in the eye, then reached for my hand.
‘I’m so glad you agreed to stay tonight,’ I said.
‘I’m more than happy to stay.’
‘Well, I managed to ruin last night. We had such a great meal out, then I became like a wailing banshee, and you had to become my nurse. What an end to a first date!’
Craig smiled. ‘Obviously, it was upsetting to see you so distressed, but sometimes that’s what it takes to make things better.’
‘I hope so.’
I snuggled against Craig, not feeling the need to say anything more. I lay my head on his chest, listening to the comforting sound of his heartbeat.
‘Oh, I need to move, my arm’s gone to sleep,’ said Craig after ten minutes or so.
I shuffled towards the edge of the sofa. ‘I’m going to get some water and go up now,’ I said. ‘Do you want some?’
‘Please,’ he replied.
I switched off the lights in the lounge, poured the water, and we made our way upstairs.
‘I hope you sleep well,’ he said.
‘You’re heading the wrong way,’ I smiled.
Craig smiled back. ‘Sarah, are you sure?’
‘I want to feel you next to me. I can’t make any promises, but I don’t want to be alone.’
‘And I don’t want to rush you.’
‘You aren’t rushing me. Believe me.’
‘OK,’ Craig nodded.
‘I won’t be long.’
**
My bedroom was in darkness when I returned from cleaning my teeth in the main bathroom. I could have used the en-suite, but I just needed a few moments alone. I was taking a big step. Craig had said that we didn’t need to rush things, but somehow I felt that if I didn’t seize the moment, it would be lost forever. With today’s revelations from David’s laptop, I now felt more than ever the need for emotional support. David’s secrecy had been greater than I could ever have imagined. Surely he wasn’t so mentally ill that he couldn’t have discussed it with me? As those thoughts once more flooded in, I realised I needed something to banish them.
