Kinnporsche, Volume 4, page 6
Vegas sucked and bit as he pleased, his warm breath and wet lips tainting my skin. The more he touched me, the faster my heart hammered in fear. His hand slowly dragged along my body, pausing to squeeze my chest.
“Vegas… Please, I’m begging you,” I pleaded.
“Beg, then… I like to hear it,” he murmured, nosing along my collarbone and then moving down. As soon as his tongue grazed my nipple, a strange sensation shot through me. My whole body shivered, and my stomach flipped upside down.
I bit my lip hard when Vegas began to suck. It wasn’t painful like before; instead, it elicited a feeling I couldn’t quite describe. But even if it didn’t hurt, bitterness still welled up within me. I was so tense that my body trembled, and in my panic, wetness began to form at the corners of my eyes. I didn’t want to admit how weak I was. I wasn’t in pain, but it felt like I was suffocating—a torment that I couldn’t withstand.
I didn’t know how much of my fear showed on my face. My hands clutched and pulled at the sheets until they were a rumpled mess. I closed my eyes and let the tears fall; in that moment, Vegas, who had been busy licking my chest, suddenly stopped.
I was trying to hide my face in the mattress, so I couldn’t see Vegas’s expression. He let go of my hands, the weight pinning me down disappearing in an instant. I squinted at Vegas warily as he pushed himself off of me, running his hand through his hair and heaving a heavy sigh.
“I’m not in the mood anymore,” he snapped. “Why are you crying like a pussy?!”
I immediately scooted backward until my back hit the headboard. I roughly wiped at my tears with the back of my hand, not responding to his question.
“Why?! Do I disgust you that much?” he demanded, staring at me. I turned my face away from him.
I didn’t know what Vegas was going to do next. He was acting annoyed, and he really did look like he wasn’t “in the mood,” but I still didn’t trust him.
“Fuck! What is wrong with me?” he cursed to himself, pulling at his hair.
I didn’t want to look at his face right now. I was terrified, and it was getting harder and harder to hide it.
At that moment, a voice echoed through the wall: “Hia!”
I recognized Macau’s voice, even if it was a bit muffled. I was certain it was Macau because Vegas reacted immediately, marching out of the room without hesitation.
I poked my head past the glass doors to see one of the bodyguards frantically running toward Vegas. “Mr. Vegas! Ms. Pim and Mr. Macau are arguing!”
I felt a rush of relief when Vegas finally left the room. I dove for the bathroom, shucking off my pants and quickly washing Vegas’s filth from my body. I scrubbed and scrubbed until my skin went red, the smell of soap calming my racing heart. I finally had a chance to calm down and collect my thoughts. What had happened with Vegas just now?
Little by little, my fear began to fade, along with my wariness. Right now, only questions filled my head: Had it really worked? Was Vegas finally getting bored? I had acted like I’d given up, not talking back or fighting him. I’d refused to let him have his fun or feel like he was winning. Now that I was no longer resisting his attacks, I was boring to him. Hey! The plan really worked!
I’d managed to escape an assault without really knowing how. I could finally see the faint, flickering light at the end of the tunnel again. Shit, Pete, you’re on the right track!
I stayed in the bathroom for about an hour, trying to come back to my senses and get my emotions under control. I couldn’t show Vegas any defiance, otherwise he’d beat me up again. I had to go along with it—it was the only way!
I toweled myself dry and put on the same pair of pants, not wanting to come out in just a towel in case Vegas had returned. As soon as I walked out… Shit! That bastard is back already! I tried to act natural, toweling my hair dry without paying attention to him.
Vegas stood there like a statue, his expression troubled and his eyes unfocused. He grabbed a pack of cigarettes and headed for the balcony, sliding the door open. He leaned against the railing and began to smoke.
Bastard! What are you smoking for? I wanted one, too—how long had I gone without a cigarette? I wanted to grab a whole bunch, light them all up, and fill my lungs with smoke. Fucking hell!
I wiped my hair and gingerly made my way over to the balcony, breathing in the scent of the cigarette on the breeze. Jonesing for secondhand smoke? How pathetic can I get? Fuck my life!
I weighed my options, wondering if I should ask him for a cig or not, but I was afraid of getting roughed up for my insolence. In the end, I just stood there and took deep breaths. I’d hid in the bathroom for so long that my fear toward Vegas had subsided a little. Especially seeing him like this—it gave me confidence. Heh. Go on, get bored of me. I won’t fight. I’ll be as uninteresting as possible.
“Is it so wrong that I’m like this?”
I startled when Vegas started talking. Ugh…I’m so jumpy lately.
“Is it so wrong that I’m gay? He doesn’t even see me and Macau as his children.” Vegas blew the cigarette smoke from his mouth and stared into the distance. I looked left and right, checking to make sure that he was really talking to me. It was only us in this room, so he must have been talking to me.
I stood there and listened to him talk. I wasn’t sure if I should offer my opinion. Is he asking me or just telling me?
“That bitch, Pim… How dare she try to discipline Macau? She acts all dignified in front of our father, but when he turns his back, she’s one snide bitch.”
My curiosity got the better of me. “Who’s Pim?” I blurted out, silently cursing myself as soon as the words left my mouth. Who wants to know about this bastard’s problems? Pete, you dumbass!
“My father’s new wife, that’s who. This one is pretty shrewd, baby-trapping him like that. She’s got him wrapped around her little finger—he says he’s putting all his hopes on the kid in her belly. He says Pim will raise the kid well, make sure it doesn’t grow up to be a faggot like me and Macau…”
Yeah, that sentence would bring anyone up short. For his own father to say that… If I were in Vegas’s shoes, I’d be hurt too.
I saw the corners of Vegas’s eyes turn red as he clenched his fists. Oddly enough, I was starting to pity him more than I hated him—in this moment, at least. I should’ve felt triumphant, should have felt that he’d had it coming, but I didn’t feel that way at all. Although I was still disgusted by the vile things Vegas had done to me, seeing him like this… It was kind of sad.
“He can pin all his hopes on that baby if he wants to, but he can’t pass over me and Macau like this. He could at least listen to us and not blindly side with his new wife!” Vegas tossed his cigarette butt to the ground, then started stalking toward me.
For some absurd reason, in that moment, I felt brave, able to stand there and face him. My fear had completely melted away, leaving something strange and new in its wake.
“Am I so disgusting, Pete?” Vegas rasped. So many emotions flitted across his face, from sadness to disappointment. He was being vulnerable in a way I’d never witnessed before.
Vegas bit his lip like he was trying to hold everything in. I didn’t know how to respond. Vegas was less intense as of late—even when he’d gone back to being cruel earlier, it’d only been for a moment.
“No…” I started to speak, but before I could add anything like “It’s all right,” Vegas slumped his head onto my shoulder and stayed there.
“I’m so tired,” he mumbled, sliding his forehead to rest against my shoulder. Both his hands fell to his sides as he leaned his weight against me, betraying how vulnerable he was right now.
“I don’t want to stay in this house anymore,” he continued, a slight tremor shaking his voice. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t want to be in this damned house either, but I could only reach out and gently pat his arm. Hopefully, this small offering of comfort would stop him from getting angry and taking it out on me.
“It’s all right…it’s all right,” I repeated.
I stood there with Vegas for a long while. He didn’t say anything else; I could only keep patting his arm.
How was I supposed to feel about this motherfucker? I despised him, but sometimes I felt sorry for the bastard. I was all fucked up about it; my emotions couldn’t keep up with all these sudden changes. Staying with Vegas is gonna make me go crazy!
Vegas lifted his head from my shoulder. “You’re quite adaptable,” he said evenly. “A couple of hours ago, you were acting so scared of me.”
I didn’t want to say that I was just as confused as he was. But I had to survive somehow.
“You’re just so relaxed, like you don’t care,” Vegas said. “Don’t you hate me at all?”
I said nothing, but I might’ve unconsciously pulled a face at that last sentence. What I felt for Vegas was far beyond simple hatred. But I was putting on an act to keep living another day!
“Heh.” He lifted an eyebrow at me. “You must be gloating deep down inside. Afraid I’ll take it out on you?”
Ding, ding, ding! We’ve got a smart one here.
“Did you know?” Vegas said. “There’s just something about you… I’m at ease when you’re near me.” Then, he immediately backed away, grabbed a towel, and disappeared into the bathroom.
The hell was that? “At ease?” Huh… And Vegas wasn’t the first one to say that. Mr. Tankhun used to say he liked me the most because I was fun to be around. Was that the same thing? Probably. But how was I fun? I was trying to be boring! Don’t look at me like that! I have to be the most boring guy ever!
The day had passed in a confusing blur. I hurriedly put a pillow in the middle of the bed and willed myself to sleep before Vegas came out of the bathroom.
I was drifting off when Vegas emerged, bustling about the room for a while before collapsing onto the bed next to me. What was up with him? Why did he seem different these days? Had he gotten a hold of his madness, or was he finally taking his meds? Maybe the merit I’d made was finally taking effect—I’d been taking refuge in the Triple Gem. Was that what had allowed me to survive up until now? Ah, forget it!
In the morning, I woke up and went through the same routine as usual, although I did manage to catch a glimpse of Vegas getting dressed in casual clothes before leaving the room. I was happy every time he left; when he was here, the atmosphere was stifling.
Nop brought me a tray of food, like always. What the fuck did he bring me today—macaroni soup and bread? What a joke! When I get out of here, my grandma won’t be able to recognize me! My eyes are going to turn blue at this rate!
I passed the day in boredom, pacing in circles like a prisoner. At least actual prisoners had entertainment! I had nothing to do, nothing to occupy myself with. I was like a madman, pacing the room, exercising, trying to break open my chain, then finally just putting everything away and lying around, reading. There was really nothing I could do. I wanted to escape, but I really couldn’t think of a single way that would work.
Later in the afternoon, the sound of the door sliding open made me tear my eyes away from my book and frown. Vegas walked in with a heaping armful of shopping bags. He dumped everything on the sofa and sat down, one hand dramatically tugging at his collar.
“Turn up the AC. It’s too hot in here,” Vegas complained.
I didn’t really want to—this room was fucking freezing already—but I could only obediently reach out and grab the thermostat’s remote.
Vegas got up and grabbed the shopping bags, throwing them down on the bed in front of me. “Here. I bought you these.”
“What?” I said as I opened them and peered inside.
It was mostly everyday items. There were plain pajama shorts and long pants in different colors, all tagged with some pricey brand’s logo. Other bags contained toiletries like face wash, soap, and shampoo. I rummaged through everything, hoping that something like a shaving razor might’ve made its way in, but it was a futile search.
Vegas rested his hands loosely on his hips as he watched me inspect the bags. “I went to campus to turn in my report, so I dropped by the mall and got you these,” he said expressionlessly. “Take a look and see if there’s anything else you want.”
I frowned as I pulled out a big gold box, then my mouth dropped open in shock. “What the hell is wrong with you?!” I snapped, forgetting myself. I held up the box of condoms in disbelief.
Vegas smirked at me. “What, have you never seen a condom? That’s impossible… I use them every time.”
“‘Every time,’ your ass!” I flung the box at him, but he only laughed in response.
I slipped up and reacted in front of him again. Ugh…I really should have better control.
“Heh. If you don’t want to use them, I’m okay with that too.” He smiled widely, looking far too pleased with himself. Where had this cheerful version of Vegas come from?
“Of course you’re okay with that, you scumbag,” I muttered, quietly enough for only me to hear.
I grabbed a different bag to distract myself from Vegas’s perverted bullshit. It was full of books. “What is this? The Light to Guide Your Life’s Path…? Change Your Life Through the Power of Happiness? You Like Him, But I Like You?” I read each title out loud. “What is up with you?” I asked him curiously.
“I saw that you like to read, so I bought you some books,” he said, turning away.
I sighed at the books in surrender. “I don’t like to read, but there’s nothing else for me to do here.” I’d read more books while cooped up in this room than back when I was studying for exams, for fuck’s sake.
Vegas chuckled. “Then what else do you want?” he asked. He knew damn well what I wanted, but he continued to screw with me.
“I want a TV. I want a phone. I want anything that’ll offer me some relief!” I said, testing the waters. If you won’t let me go, Vegas, then at least let me have some color in my life! As for the phone…that’d just be a bonus!
“Heh. Do I really look that stupid to you?”
“I want some entertainment! I’ve been stuck pacing this tiny box of a room with nothing to look at but philosophy and dharma books—at this rate, I might just reach enlightenment!” I gathered all my courage to bargain with him. I knew I had zero chance of success, but I had to ask. I had to be going crazy to start rambling at Vegas this much, but I was really starting to miss the nonstop TV marathons and the karaoke machine in Mr. Tankhun’s room.
“Fine. I’ll find something to entertain you.”
I swallowed nervously. What did he mean by “entertain”? Was it the same thing I meant? Don’t you dare try anything perverted with me in the middle of the day, Vegas. Otherwise, I’m back to being boring. Try me, bastard!
But I was worried over nothing. Vegas went to his office and came back with a guitar. He sat down on the sofa and put his feet up on the coffee table. He settled into the cushions, casually tuning the strings. Don’t tell me he’s going to entertain me by playing that thing.
I sighed and rolled my eyes. “I don’t want to listen to music,” I muttered.
“Just go along with it… I’ve got a good singing voice,” he insisted.
I made a face. “Who told you that?” Vegas? Sing? It wasn’t like I’d never heard him sing, though. Back when I was tailing him, I had seen him gathering around with his friends to play the guitar and sing sometimes. But isn’t this kinda awkward? What does he think he’s doing?!
“Everyone. Are you going to listen or not? If not, I can entertain you in other ways.” Vegas leered at me, slowly dragging his eyes up my body. I had to grab a pillow and hold it in front of me.
“Fine. If you want to sing, then sing.” It wasn’t like I could say no. Let’s go with his first offer—that should be safe. He was getting weirder every day, suddenly so damned cheerful. It was freaking me out.
Vegas began to strum out a slow melody. The song felt familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it. As soon as he opened his mouth to sing, though, I scowled.
“It’s been two weeks since you left me in the cold,
I heard Kinn took you away to be sold.
My heart is broken and bruised,
But I have to endure when being poor means I can’t choose.”1
Vegas was clearly trying to get on my nerves. The bastard stared at me with a shit-eating grin.
“Asshole,” I mouthed silently.
“Which province did you come from?” he asked me.
I had a weird feeling about this, but what would happen if I refused to answer? “Chumphon,” I answered curtly.
“…From Chumphon to sell yourself in Su-ngai Kolok.”2 Vegas continued to strum and sing his modified lyrics.
“Fuck you!” I mouthed another curse.
“I’ll wait for you to come back to me,
I might have no TV or anything fancy,
But that’s fine, we don’t care what people say,
We can work the land, and we’ll be okay.”
Vegas laughed as he sang, his eyes never leaving mine. I wanted to slug him. What had put him in this mood? Did he eat something weird today? Why was he changing the lyrics to piss me off like this?
“Only been in this world for…” Vegas paused and turned to me. “How old are you?”
“Motherfucker… I’m twenty-one,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Only been in this world for twenty-one years,
But the world has been so cruel,
Been through the hands of hundreds of men,
But you have to swallow your pride,
Save up money to send home
And redeem yourself to come back to my side. Ha ha ha!”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I threw the pillow at him, but he dodged it. Bastard! Scumbag! Asshole!
Vegas howled with laughter like I’d never heard from him before. He was clearly elated to have gotten a reaction out of me. Even though I wanted to keep a straight face and say it was all fine, tell him to keep singing, I couldn’t. “Been through the hands of hundreds of men?” Really? Fuck, he’s such an asshole.
