Kinnporsche, Volume 4, page 24
I headed for the VIP parking lot and easily found my family’s car, one of the few allowed to park in this section. I got in and locked all the doors.
“Mr. Vegas!” Nop and a few other bodyguards chased after me, but I stepped on the gas and sped off.
Along the way, I was confused and restless. I couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe; my chest was tight with the agony in my heart. I knew that Pete wasn’t waiting for me at home like he always was, but I wanted to lie to myself. For just once in my life, let me have some hope. When Pete is with me, I have hope…
Pete had made me realize that there was always a way out of the darkness. He’d been through so much, yet he could still smile and live with it. He taught me to take control of my emotions. He showed me that even when faced with insurmountable odds, our outlook was a little sunnier if we looked on the bright side of things.
Pete’s words of comfort had pulled me from my own stupidity and stubbornness. It was like his hand had reached out and pulled me out of the darkness. Just hearing the words “It’s all right” reminded me not to lose myself again.
I used to think someone in his position shouldn’t even be saying that to me—he was in a tight spot himself, after all—but just seeing his smile and the sincerity in his eyes…I’d finally felt alive again.
I would be devastated if he just walked out of my life.
Pete was my light in the darkness, my only smile. He was the only sincere thing I had. That hopeful gaze reassured me no matter how many times I saw it, but it was about to slowly fade away…
I grasped the steering wheel in terror, my hands shaking, so scared that I could barely breathe.
I tore through the gates so quickly that the security guard almost couldn’t open them fast enough. I slammed on the brakes before storming out and rushing up to the second floor.
“Mr. Vegas!”
My men scattered in a panic and trailed after me, clearly shocked to see me in this state: the hospital gown, the blood on my arm, the wound on my head.
I didn’t care. I only needed to know that in my room, in our own little safe haven, Pete was still sitting there with his mischievous expression.
I opened the glass door and called out his name:
“Pete!”
My heart raced in apprehension, which turned to dread when I was met with an empty room.
There was no cheerful voice to greet me with “Are you back now?” or a grumpy face complaining that he was hungry. Not anymore.
The room was still the same as it had been when he was here: Every item, every book, even the chain that I’d put on him so he’d be mine and mine alone lay there on the floor. The room still bore his mark; it was saturated with the scent of him.
Everything was so clear to me now. I had to face the truth. I slowly stepped inside and fell to the floor, reaching out to pick up the chain.
What have I done?
That day when I’d been hurting from my father’s words, when I was wallowing in self-hatred over getting compared to them again, my anguish had been at its worst. I had suffered for so many years, and I’d felt like I was all alone. Then, Pete appeared…and now he was gone.
“Well…you still have Macau. He loves you very much, right?” Pete’s words came back to me.
I’m sorry, Pete… I’m sorry…
“You’re pessimistic,” Pete had said. The images of us together were still imprinted in my heart.
“And you’re naïve.”
“That’s none of your business.”
“And what do you think about me?”
“You’re a fucking asshole, stup—”
I smiled even as tears threatened to well up. On that first day, I’d chained him up because I’d wanted him to know who he was dealing with, and to find an entertaining way to get back at Kinn.
I hadn’t thought someone like Pete existed in this world. I’d hurt him in so many ways; I’d hit him, beat him, forced myself on him. I was disgusted with myself—how could I have done something like that to someone like him? Today, I loathed myself even more.
Before this, Pete had been just another Major Clan bodyguard. He hadn’t held any significance to me; he wasn’t even someone I wanted to get to know. If anything, I’d thought he was a fool to tail me on Kinn’s orders. When I went to the Major Clan’s house, I saw him as just another one of their loyal dogs who greeted me with a smile. How could I have known that his smile would forever imprint itself in my memory?
Pete dictated my every feeling now. The longer we stayed together, the more he became my sanctuary. No matter what I went through, as soon as I stepped into my room, I felt at ease and more like myself than I could describe. I didn’t have to put on a mask or pretend; I didn’t need to shoulder any kind of hope. I could just be me.
In that time, just short of a month, it was like Pete had filled the emptiness inside me. I was his everything then. No matter what I did, wherever I was, Pete would care. Someone finally cared for me. Ever since the day my nanny abandoned me and my mother left this world, no one had ever asked after me, Have you eaten, Vegas? What are you doing? Where are you? When will you be back? Or even…Does it hurt? Was it your father? It’s all right. It’ll pass…
There was no one to pull the blanket back over me when it fell or to pick out my clothes. When Pete came into my life and gave me a taste of what I’d been missing, I knew then that I hated myself, hated that I had to be alone. I liked myself when I was with him; it was as if life had meaning again. Even when I knew he was doing things to annoy me, I could see in his eyes and feel in my heart that it was real.
I’d questioned what kind of person he was—how he could still smile after I’d hurt him so badly. I understood him now, though, after slowly absorbing some of his positivity. He made me see things in a new light. He’d showed me the way out after I’d been blind for so long. I’d chained him up and locked him in my room, but he’d still learned to live with it; he was kind to me when I was so cruel to him. He was the only one in my life who’d taught me what it meant to keep moving forward—to want to keep moving forward.
I began to look forward to hearing my phone ring. When the screen showed Nop’s name, I’d get excited because I knew it was Pete calling to ask for his beloved Southern food.
“Which dish tastes good…? It looks spicy.”
“Try it.”
“Fine.”
“Ugh! A small bite like that won’t give you any flavor. Give it to me! Eat up.”
The memory of him feeding me still hurt. Even when I knew he was just playing a trick, trying to find small ways to get back at me, the hope in his eyes while he waited to see what I thought of the food was clear. If I said it was delicious—or somewhat edible, even—he’d be so happy. If I said it wasn’t, he’d be unable to hide his disappointment.
The way he tried to cheer me up…no one had ever done anything like that for me. Did he know that lately I’d been trying to please him because I wanted him to stay? At first, I’d thought locking Pete up was a fun little game, but my intentions began to change. I wanted him and only him. I wanted to keep him all to myself. I did everything I could to get him to want to stay with me, for him to want me the way I wanted him.
“Vegas.” I loved that chirpy voice he used to call my name when he wanted something, or if he just wanted to share a strange idea that popped into his head. It always put me at ease. Just like that, the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. Did he know that everything about him made me feel so content?
“What now?”
“One day, you are camping with your friends, and you find a very beautiful rock. You stop to admire it for a little while, and once you look up, you find that all your friends are gone. What would you do in this situation?
a. Proceed to go straight.
b. Leave the pathway to find a river.
c. Toss the stone and ask it to show you the way.
d. Cry for help.”
I smiled at the memory. Sometimes Pete was childish, and other times, he was incredibly mature. Sometimes he liked to make a spoiled or petulant face that he probably wasn’t even aware he was making.
“Hmmm… I don’t like camping.”
“It’s a what-if scenario.”
Like that time he made a fuss trying to get me to answer his questions. His talent at acting spoiled and begging for what he wanted had increased with every passing day he lived with me.
“Uhh…but I wouldn’t stop to look at a rock in the first place.”
“Ugh! What if you did?”
The way he’d twist his mouth was so endearing. He played it off casually, but that little frown let me know when I displeased him. I loved it—he was like a little kitten begging for his owner’s attention.
I didn’t know when my tears had begun to fall. My heart squeezed tightly, aching and heavy, until I wanted to dig it out just so this would all be over. I had to face the emptiness on my own once again. I had to exist without Pete’s lively spirit. His cheerful voice in the morning still echoed in my head like a knife twisting in my gut. Another memory slowly resurfaced, and it hurt so much that I wanted to die…
“No, you bastard! No!”
“Oh, you’re scared? Someone like you knows how to be scared? Heh…”
“Vegas… No… Don’t do this! Let me go!”
“What? Where’s the fearless Pete from before? What’s this timid little thing in his place?”
“…You can beat me up, shoot me, kill me—do whatever you want. Just don’t do this!”
“Heh…I told you already that I’m gonna kill you, but you have to suffer first… Oh, and I’m not doing this just to get back at Kinn. I know you’re not that important. Even when you die, I doubt he’ll be sad. You’re just one of his stupid loyal dogs… And now, you’re my chew toy!”
Those terrible words that came out of my mouth… That day, everything I said had been for my own satisfaction, but now? It only left me with regret. It was because of me that everything ended up like this. I had wanted to hurt Pete, but now, it had all come circling back to hurt me instead, like a stone repeatedly hitting me in the chest. The sound of his voice and the fear in his eyes haunted me.
I clenched my fist around the chain, then flung it as far as I could. This was the pain and suffering that I’d personally handed to him. That’s enough. I know now. I know his fear.
Was it really so horrible?
I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry.
I deserve this.
It was fitting that I had to face this pain because if I’d been Pete, I could never forgive what I’d done either. Now, I only wanted to tell him that I knew what I did was wrong. If he was angry with me, hated me, or wanted revenge, I wouldn’t be surprised—I’d even let him do whatever he wanted to me.
He can berate me and hurt me as much as he pleases. I won’t stop him. I’ll only ask for one thing, just one thing, please… Just come back to me. Forgive my foolishness and the wicked things I’ve done…
I hastily changed into casual clothes and walked to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. Even the sight of his toothbrush made me feel another stab of heartache. No matter where I looked, I still saw Pete in every corner of this room.
“Am I so disgusting, Pete?”
“No…”
“I’m so tired.”
The same words spun circles through my head: I’m so tired right now, Pete… I’m so tired. I want to see your face. I want to hug you…
Can you give me another chance?
I’d admit that I lost this game of ours. But I wanted Pete to win—I wanted him to win in every way. He’d won over my heart. He won when he made me feel things for him; he won when he managed to make me ache for him like this…
I wouldn’t fight him anymore. If he came back, I’d give him more than he could ever want. I’d be proud to be the loser if he’d let this fool prove himself one last time…
What should I do?
I took a deep breath, feeling so disoriented. I wanted to see Pete’s face. I wanted to apologize. I’d wronged him, but the last thing we’d argued about had all just been a misunderstanding: I wasn’t seeing anyone else. I couldn’t pay attention to anyone other than him. That situation with N’Yim wasn’t what he’d thought at all. The fact that I came home late and left him all alone… I knew how lonely it was for him to be stuck in that little room; I’d wronged him. But I couldn’t let him leave me after such a big misunderstanding…
That was why I decided to grab my keys and head out. No matter what, someone like Pete would run straight back to the Major Clan. I was certain of it.
I’m begging on my knees—just give me a chance. Just hear me out. I truly only have you in my heart, Pete.
I don’t want you to misunderstand me. I don’t want you to see me as a villain anymore… Can’t you forget the Vegas from before? Let’s start over. I promise I’ll do my best this time.
As I drove, all I could think of was his face—his smile, his laugh, even his tears when he left me. I hated what had happened last night. I wouldn’t be able to take it if he walked out of my life completely. I’d lost so many people; I couldn’t bear to lose anyone else.
I parked next to the Major Clan’s house, mulling over what I was going to say when I was face-to-face with Pete again. How do I say I’m sorry for what I did I to you? What do I say? I didn’t know. I’d never been so terrified to see anyone before in my life.
“I don’t want to go out! Why are you making me?!”
My heart fluttered nervously when I heard that familiar voice. It was the voice I’d so longed to hear, the voice I missed the most.
“We’re just going out to get ice cream. What are you so afraid of?”
Pete had come out with Porsche, but I barely glanced at him. I only had eyes for one man. He wore casual clothes, all covered up. His expression was cheerful, but I knew he was hiding his pain. Without hesitation, I opened the car door and prepared to go up to him.
“Shit! I’m really scared, Porsche. I don’t ever want to live like that again. Locked up in a room…it’s torture.”
I froze when I heard those words from Pete’s mouth. My heart dropped when I saw how nervous he was. I quickly stepped behind a tree, my confidence plummeting.
Another guard—his name was Arm, if I recalled correctly—came up to loop his arms around both Pete and Porsche. “You don’t have to be scared of anything—look who you’re friends with! This is Porsche, the second young mistress of the Major Clan!”
“Nah,” Pete said, shaking his head. Just seeing his face made me want to pull him into a hug.
“What now? Vegas can’t do anything to you here.”
When Arm mentioned my name, Pete covered his ears. What little confidence I had left completely vanished. My heart was so viciously stomped into the ground that I wanted to fall to my knees. He must despise me.
“Why did you have to say that? Go! The ice-cream cart is here. What do you want? My treat.”
“Oooh! Pete, you’re so dramatic. Even Mr. Kinn is afraid of Porsche, never mind Ve—”
Porsche turned to Arm. “Stop that!” Pete just looked at them blankly and marched up to the ice cream cart.
“So fierce, even with his friends. Hey, Pete! I want some too.”
Porsche and Arm followed after him. I watched Pete’s every move as he smiled and laughed with his friends. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his charm, not even for a second. It felt like I was falling for him again, over and over.
Ring, ring.
I saw Arm playing with the ice-cream cart’s bell, but that startled Pete and made him jump.
“The fuck are you ringing that for?” Pete exclaimed, pounding Arm on the back. When I saw him like that, I felt guilt like I’d never felt before. Can we ever go back to the way we were? No, can we start over? Why can’t I see a way back…?
“You’re so jumpy. Khun’s taking you to bathe in holy water soon. Just try to stay calm for now.”
“Just watch my back. I’m scared,” Pete said.
“Why? Is your ass…in danger?” Porsche said. He really was a menace. He got a kick for his teasing words.
Pete was having fun. He was happy with his friends; I began to wonder if I really should go up to him and turn that smile into fear. He was free, doing what he wanted to do, and he seemed happy. Should I really dredge up the past? It looked like he didn’t want to remember. He doesn’t even want to hear my name…
“I want the one with bread. And I was here first!”
“I ordered first. You’re the slowpoke.”
I sighed and watched Pete until he disappeared back into the house.
Maybe he really is better off without me.
The way he’d left me should have been enough of an answer. He didn’t want me. Before, I would’ve done everything in my power to get him back, but now, I couldn’t bear to destroy his smile or his happiness. Not anymore.
He was the one I loved.
I loved Pete from the bottom of my heart.
Characters
The identity of certain characters may be a spoiler; use this guide with caution on your first read of the novel.
MAIN CHARACTERS
‘Kinn’ Anakinn Theerapanyakul
GIVEN NAME: A-na-kinn
NICKNAME: Kinn
SURNAME: Thee-ra-pan-ya-kul
The second son and de facto heir of a notorious mafia family. Has a habit of getting rough with his partners.
‘Porsche’ Pachara Kittisawasd
GIVEN NAME: Pa-cha-ra
NICKNAME: Porsche
SURNAME: Kit-ti-sa-wasd
A normal college student who is extremely skilled at martial arts. Since their parents died, he takes care of his younger brother.
SUPPORTING CHARACTERS
‘PORCHAY’ PITCHAYA KITTISAWASD: Porsche’s beloved younger brother.
UNCLE THEE: The younger brother of Porsche’s late father. Has a severe gambling problem.
TEM AND JOM: Porsche’s best friends and fellow university students.
