Kinnporsche, Volume 4, page 19
Ah, fuck, he’s got a password lock… I tried different passwords, including the same one as for his computer, from that fateful day, but it still wouldn’t unlock. Should I use the emergency-call option to phone the police? What should I do?
Suddenly, Vegas’s phone vibrated, and a LINE notification popped up:
Yimmy_Yummy: is P’Gus home? ^_^
Yimmy_Yummy: thank u for the present, i love it! but it’s so expensive
Yimmy_Yummy: and…thank u for bringing out the cake. i’m happy it was u, P’Gus
“What are you doing?!” Vegas yelled, snatching his phone out of my hands.
I sat frozen for some time, my ears ringing. I hadn’t even noticed that Vegas had come out of the bathroom until he’d snatched the phone from me.
“What were you trying to pull?” he pressed, glaring at me.
“…Actually, you didn’t have to hurry back,” I mumbled, my emotions all jumbled up. What am I supposed to feel right now?
Vegas furrowed his brow and looked at the screen before widening his eyes and smirking.
I walked back to the bed and sat down. “Was it someone special’s birthday? …You can tell me the truth.”
“Hmmm…in a way, but what can I do? That was all the time you gave me,” Vegas said cheerfully as he let himself fall onto the bed.
“The time I gave you?” I repeated. “Do I even have the right to order you around?”
Vegas reached out and hooked his hand around my waist, pulling me toward him. “You’re so cute when you pout, you know that?” he said, wrapping his arms and legs around me.
“Let go of me, Vegas!”
“If you’re jealous, just say so… You don’t have to act out.” Vegas poked his head over my shoulder to try to kiss my cheek, but I pushed him away.
“Why would I be jealous? Get off me.” I kicked rapidly at Vegas with both legs, pushing him to the edge of the bed.
“Ow, Pete! That hurt!”
“I’m going to sleep!” I told him, curling up and yanking the blanket over my head.
Vegas sighed loudly. After a while, he settled back down next to me. Then, he snaked his arm under the blankets for another hug.
I peeled his arm off of me. “Let go! Get off of me!” I snapped.
“You’re acting like some chick on her period,” Vegas said, backing away from me. “I really can’t keep up with your mood swings.”
“That’s your problem!” I snapped. I should’ve been happy that Vegas was getting fed up with my behavior…so why did I feel angry?
Vegas sighed. “Fine, fine, sleep. I’m tired. I don’t want to argue with you.” With that, he turned over, one hand reaching to turn off the lights. He fell asleep just like that, as if nothing had even happened.
I couldn’t sleep no matter how hard I tried. I kept thinking about everything that had happened. What was I doing? Why were my feelings all over the place? I hated that I couldn’t get a grip. It was like I was losing my mind. It was just a message on his phone—why had my chest tightened at the sight of it? What was wrong with me?
I was probably deluding myself that Vegas was into me. How could he be? What was so special about me? I wasn’t his type when it came to looks—not to mention my personality. Ha! I’m so stupid.
I’d been overestimating myself when I thought I could make him stop being smitten with me. Someone like him probably never had those feelings for me in the first place. That had to be true because if I was in his shoes…if I liked someone, I wouldn’t chain them up.
And when I acted crazy, he probably thought it was funny. He must’ve been secretly laughing at me, enjoying that I was going insane, proud that he could mess with my head.
I wasn’t winning; I was about to lose…
I tossed and turned until the sun came up, then tossed and turned some more.
In the late morning, Vegas and I ate breakfast together. He was pretty badly hungover, complaining about a headache, but I didn’t pay attention to him. I must have seemed quieter than normal; I couldn’t escape the confusing thoughts swirling around in my head.
Vegas carefully touched my forehead with the back of his hand. “Are you sick?”
“No,” I said evenly, twisting away.
“You haven’t eaten much.” He glanced at the half-eaten congee in my bowl. “I need to head to campus this afternoon. The club needs to borrow my guitar,” Vegas told me, eyeing me carefully. He raised his eyebrows. “Oh, what do you want to eat? I’ll pick it up on the way home.”
“Don’t want to eat,” I said.
“…What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Pete…you can’t act like this just because I came home ten minutes late.”
Since last night, I kept asking myself if I was still sane: What’s wrong with me? What am I really feeling? I’d felt irritated ever since he left yesterday, and my foul mood had bled into everything else. I really needed to reflect on myself.
Vegas sat up and turned to face me. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. How many hours will you let me stay out today? What time do you want me back? Just tell me.”
“That’s your business,” I said. With that, I got up from the sofa and spun around to go into the bathroom. I just didn’t want to see his face. Why did he act like he cared about my feelings when I was just a toy for his amusement?
“You’re just one of his stupid loyal dogs… And now, you’re my chew toy!”
Vegas’s words came rushing back to me. Even if he was acting kind enough right now to make me falter, the horrific things he’d done to me could never be erased.
“Vegas is messing with your head. He’s making it so you can’t bear to leave him.”
Nop’s words brought me back to my senses. Yes! What am I doing?! Why was I calling Vegas so often? Did I rely too much on him? No, I only did it to mess with him…but why did it feel so real? Shit!
What was Vegas planning? He was a liar. What did a monster like him need to care about or pay attention to me for? He acted like he was enamored with me, but I was starting to doubt it. Vegas’s personality was so carefully curated that nothing seemed to be real—not even his feelings…
“Pete, I’m going out now. I’ll hurry back.” Vegas came over to where I sat at the edge of the bed. He reached out to cradle my face and kiss the top of my head like usual, but I got up to escape from him.
“Mm.” I hummed my acknowledgment.
Vegas let out a long sigh at my reaction. “Be good while I’m gone,” he said.
I didn’t reply.
When Vegas walked out, I sat back down and stared at the chain looped around my wrist. That was answer enough, whether the things he did were real or fake… If he really loved me, he wouldn’t keep me locked up like this. Nobody wanted to see the person they cared for mistreated, right? So Vegas’s affections had to all be an act.
I needed to stop feeling everything I was feeling; stop the confusion, and stop the things I did unwittingly. I’d been isolated for so long that it felt like Vegas was the only person I had to rely on, even when he was the one who’d locked me up in the first place. I couldn’t forget that. I had to stop feeling sorry for him. I had to stop being considerate of his tragic past—especially when I didn’t know what was real and what was a lie.
While I wallowed in my thoughts, Vegas was gone for quite some time.
In the evening, Nop came in with his phone and held it out to me. I didn’t need to guess to know who it was, but even if I didn’t want to answer the call, I had to…
“Mm-hmm?”
“Have you eaten?” Vegas asked, sounding completely normal.
“No,” I said.
“Good! Can you wait for me? I’ll be back around eight. I’ll bring you something to eat.”
I didn’t reply.
“Did you not miss me at all today? Heh. You haven’t called all day! I’ve been waiting.”
“If that’s all, bye,” I muttered.
“Pete…”
“P’Gus, are you done?” Another voice piped up in the background of the call: “I’m waiting… Ugh… P’Gus, it’s poking into me. It hurts.”
I frowned. Poke? Hurt? What? “…Ve—?”
“I’ve got to go. Bye,” Vegas said, then hung up.
That same strange feeling flooded my mind once again. I handed the phone back to Nop, who was waiting on the sofa. I was trying to get things straight in my head. Shit! I fucking hated feeling like this last night, but right now, everything is worse. It hurts more than ever.
Nop touched my arm. “Pete…are you okay?”
“Nop…can you let me go?” I bit my lip, pleading with him.
“I don’t have the key,” he said. “Did he do anything to you?”
“…Why do you think he locked me up, Nop?”
“To…to get revenge on the Major Clan, probably… I really don’t know. I feel sorry for you, Pete, I really do. But I’m afraid of death too. I don’t know what crazy shit Vegas is pulling, playing house like you’re his wife. Actually, I think he’s already got someone, that N’Yim or something. The guy whose birthday party he went to last night. I’m confused too—I used to see that boy come around here, morning and night, but he hasn’t been here lately. Probably because you’re here. But I’m not sure. Hey, I’ve got to go now.”
I went still with shock. I thought back to the video files of Vegas and his various bedmates, more certain about what I feared: In the end, he was only keeping me around to satisfy his urges. It was all just a game to him, some fun to pass the time.
I pulled at my chain again and again. I didn’t know where I got the strength, but it was like a fire had been lit under me. I was so furious that I wanted to shatter the chain in my hands.
In the end, Vegas only saw me as another body: worthless. Nameless. Meaningless.
Just being chained up here was bad enough—why did I have to feel this way? I was only human; I had a heart, I still had feelings. I didn’t want to feel like this. What was wrong with me?!
I was so wrapped up in trying to pull my wrist out from the chain that old, healed bruises began to reappear. Time became a blur as I felt my heart being wrenched out and stomped on. Vegas was playing with me; he never saw me as a person.
In the end, the only one caught up in this game was me.
I heard the glass door open, but I didn’t care. I pulled against the chain like my life depended on it. The fire inside me crackled and burned; I drowned out everything else, focusing solely on breaking free.
“I’m back! I brought all the stuff you like, to say sorry for last night… Pete, what are you doing?!” Vegas came in, set his things down on the vanity, and immediately rushed over.
I sprang up from the edge of the bed. “Let me go!”
Vegas grabbed my wrist to inspect it, alarmed. “Pete, what’s wrong with you?!”
As soon as I saw Vegas’s face, my patience snapped. “Let me go! I’m not staying here any longer, asshole!”
“Pete! Why are you doing this?”
“Stop pretending, you liar!” I yelled in his face. “Don’t try to act all nice with me!”
Vegas looked taken aback, gaping at me in confusion. “Pete, I didn’t think you’d be so angry with me.”
“I’ve always been angry with you, Vegas! Cut the bullshit and talk to me straight!”
“Pete! I already said I was sorry about coming home late.”
“I’m not concerned with something that petty,” I spat.
He and I stood there, glaring at each other.
“Then…don’t tell me this is about the LINE message. I didn’t think you’d care about that—that’s my peer mentee at school,” Vegas said seriously, trying to convince me with his eyes that what he said was the truth.
“Did you have fun?!”
“Pete! I don’t think of him like that!” Vegas insisted.
“That’s none of my business. If you want to poke him, that’s your own fucking problem!” I was at my limit, so overwhelmed by everything that I wanted to just explode and be done with it all.
“What?! No! I was carrying a drum set, and I asked him to hold it for me. The metal stand was poking him, that’s all.” Vegas tried to grab my hand, but I twisted away.
“I told you, that’s your own damn business! I’m not some dumb water buffalo, so don’t treat me like one.” I spat each word in his face.
“I’ve never thought of you like that.”
“Then what is this?!” I held my chained-up arm up to his face. “You treat me like I’m less than human, like an animal in a cage waiting for its owner to bring it food and water… You told me I was a dog—is this enough for you?! Is this enough for you?!” I took another step forward, getting up in his face, no longer scared.
“Pete! I never thought of you like that. Can’t you see? Everything I’ve done is in consideration of your feelings!” Vegas took a step back, his arms coming up as if to grab me.
“Hah… If you really cared, you wouldn’t treat me like this! Let go of me!”
Vegas hugged me tightly, but I flailed against him, refusing to give up. I smashed my chained wrist into the wall, not caring about the pain.
“Pete… Stop it! Pete!” Vegas struggled to hold on to me and stop me from hitting my arm against the wall. My rage was out of control.
“Let me go! I won’t stay here!”
“Pete! That’s enough, Pete!” Vegas used all his strength to shove me toward the bed. I lost my footing and fell onto it.
“Let me go right now, Vegas! I won’t obey you anymore! Even if I die today, I’m not afraid of you!”
Vegas wiped at his face, looking frustrated. “Pete! You have to calm down.”
“Calm down? You want me to calm down?! I’ve put up with enough. You treat me like an animal. I won’t put up with living like this anymore!” I stood up, the words spilling out of me. “I’ve got feelings, I’ve got a heart, and I’ve got people I love. Have you ever considered anyone else’s feelings in your life, you selfish asshole?!”
“Pete… I didn’t want you to feel this way. I only did this because I wanted you all to myself,” Vegas said.
“Hah! Easy for you to say. But, of course, you’ve never been loved—you wouldn’t understand what love is. Your father raised you to be selfish!”
When Vegas heard that sentence, he lifted his head to glare at me, his eyes flashing. He pushed me with so much force that I stumbled to the floor.
“What did you just say?” he hissed through gritted teeth.
Once he’d pushed me, my rage only grew stronger. I was so furious, I was close to tears, the lump in my throat tightening like a dam about to burst.
“Vegas!”
He must’ve seen something in my expression because his face suddenly softened. “Pete, does it hurt? I’m sorry,” he said, his eyes full of guilt. He bent down and tried to help me up.
“You’ve done much worse. Go on! Punch me! Hit me however you like!” I pulled his wrist and used his hand to slap my own cheek, bringing it down hard as if to remind myself of how he’d hurt me.
He tried to pull his hand back. “I’m begging you…don’t be like this!”
“Begging me… You’re begging me? That day I begged you to stop, did you listen to me?!” I shoved him, making him stumble and fall. Warmth pricked around my eyes, and wet tears slid down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry… Pete, I’m truly sorry. Please, stay with me,” Vegas begged, his voice shaking.
“I won’t stay! Let me go!” I bashed my wrist against the floor again and again. No matter how hard Vegas tried to stop me, I flung him away without a care. I couldn’t feel the pain at all anymore, even though I could feel the stickiness of the blood smearing all over my wrist and smell the acrid tang of it in the air.
“Stop it! I told you to stop!” Vegas grabbed hold of my wrist until I stopped thrashing. “I yield, Pete. I yield to you,” Vegas said, tears streaming down his face. I’d never seen him cry before.
With reddened eyes, Vegas reached into his pocket and pulled out something. I could barely believe my eyes.
“Pete… I’m sorry,” Vegas repeated. My heart raced as he brought the key to my wrist and unlocked the chain. In that moment, I was speechless, not sure if I was awake or dreaming.
“Stay with me. Promise me you won’t leave me,” Vegas sobbed, pulling me into a hug. I was barely holding on to my sanity. I didn’t even know what I was supposed to do.
“I promise I won’t hurt you again. I’m sorry for making you feel that way. I can’t lose you, Pete. You’re all I have. You’ve changed me. You make me want to be a better man. Don’t leave me. Stay here with me, Pete. I like the version of myself I am when I’m with you… Stay with me, please!” Vegas’s body shook as he held me tighter, as if he was afraid I would vanish into thin air.
I sat there in silence, frozen in place. I hadn’t quite adjusted to reality yet. I couldn’t even describe how I felt, the joy and sorrow bleeding together.
“Pete…” Vegas finally pulled away and stared at me longingly. He wiped the tears from my face with his finger. “I can’t live without you… I love you.” He slowly emphasized each word as if trying to convince me that everything he said was true. But I didn’t need convincing; I could see it in his eyes.
Painful tears spilled out once again at the strange feeling welling up inside me. I was caught in an impossible situation, especially when confronted with the sincerity in Vegas’s declaration of love. I hated the thoughts running through my head; my mind and heart clashed together in a battle of logic against emotion.
“Vegas…” My lips trembled, and the searing pain won out against what I felt inside. “I’m sorry…”
I grabbed the heavy chain on the floor and swung it at Vegas’s head as hard as I could. The weight of it knocked him out instantly. He collapsed onto the floor, blood seeping from his head.
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed when I saw Vegas crumpled on the floor, completely still. I felt my anguish with stunning clarity; I didn’t feel happy at all. I was a wreck over my own actions, but what I wanted more than anything was freedom.
