Seeking Home, page 21
part #1 of Family Bonds Series
Sabine tore her gaze away, reminding herself of what she had prayed about the night before. For peace, for understanding, and for constant and steady emotions.
Olivia grabbed another sandwich, and a gentle quiet suffused the moment. The horses were tugging at leaves, munching quietly, a few flies buzzed around them. But it was peaceful. Quiet.
Sabine let it all flow over her soul, thanking God for this quiet moment.
"I hear a trickle of water," Tanner said, sitting up. "I know there's a creek nearby. Have you ever made a waterwheel?" he asked Olivia.
She shook her head, frowning. "What's a waterwheel?"
Tanner pushed himself up, and to Sabine’s surprise, reached a hand out to Olivia and pulled her to her feet. "I'll show you guys.”
Intrigued, they followed Tanner to a small creek that danced over rocks flashing in the sun. It was an idyllic sight, and Sabine wished she had her phone with her so she could take a picture of Olivia by it.
Tanner pulled a pocketknife out of his pocket, flicked open one of the blades, and grabbed a few branches. He whisked off the leaves, cut them down to size, and handed them over to Olivia.
"You hang onto these for a minute, missy," he said. "I got a few more to cut.
He stripped and cut and notched, and Sabine grew even more intrigued as he shoved two Y-shaped sticks on either side of the creek. He was now busy carving down two flat sticks. These he inserted into a slit in the one long stick to make the wheel, she guessed. He laid this entire contraption into the notched branches he had just set up. He gave the wheel a little tap, and slowly the water pushed the branches, making them turn slowly.
Olivia's mouth fell open in amazement. "That is so cool." She leaned closer as if to look at the mechanism. "Can you help me make one too?" she asked.
Sabine was about to protest but Tanner was already grabbing branches and cutting them off. A few moments later there were two waterwheels spinning along the creek. Olivia was crouched down, clearing away stray leaves and grass whenever they got hung up in the wheels.
Sabine had to laugh. This was a child who complained if her computer game didn't load fast enough. If the game she was playing didn’t go the way she hoped.
And now she was absolutely captivated by this simple contraption.
Watching her daughter's pleasure, gratitude welled up within her. This would be her daughter’s life. She could hardly believe it.
And again she caught Tanner looking at her. She caught a question in his gaze, but she didn't dare examine it too deeply. Couldn’t allow herself to move there, much as she wanted.
"That's so interesting," Sabine said. "I guess you’re a little bit of an engineer like your brother after all."
Tanner chuckled. ”My grandfather taught us how to do this," he said. “Garret was always taking it further. Making everything a little more complicated. That was the engineer coming out in him. I was just a cowboy, happy enough with what my grandfather put together."
He sat back on his haunches, his hands resting on his hips as he watched Olivia free one of the waterwheels, pulling a leaf away from it so it could spin freely again. "Next week I can teach you how to make willow whistles.” Then he bit his lip, as if realizing in a week or so he would be gone.
“What are willow whistles?” Olivia asked.
"My dad used to make them for me too." Sabine felt wistful as she remembered listening to the low-pitched whistle when her father made one for her. For the first time in a long time, she missed him. For the first time a long time, she was able to pull up a memory that wasn't laced with the smell of whiskey or beer.
"I wonder how they both learned that?" Tanner asked.
"Maybe they took the same outdoor education class."
"At any rate, I think I still remember. But we have to wait until the sap is flowing fully in the willows."
"And that's in a week?" Olivia asked.
"Give or take." Tanner paused, as if realizing what he was doing.
"But I thought you would be gone by then," Olivia said, her tone matter of fact.
"If I am, I’ll come back to help you do it," Tanner said. Sabine caught herself from reprimanding him. She remembered too many promises Tim had made to Olivia not kept. She shot him a warning glance, and he slowly shook his head. "I'm a man of my word," he said more to Sabine than to Olivia.
And that she would have to be satisfied with.
Chapter 13
"I only ask one thing of you," Sabine said to Tanner as he tied up the horses back at the ranch.
Tanner looked at her, guessing where she was going.
"What's that?” he asked anyway.
"Please be careful with my daughter," Sabine said, lifting the saddle off the horse and setting it aside.
As soon as they came home Olivia had noticed other vehicles at the house and, brimming with the need to tell Nana about the excitement of the day and a curiosity as to who was here, she ran to the house.
So they were alone.
"I'm trying to be," Tanner said. "I guess I just wanted to make up my bad behavior to her. That's all."
"What about your promises to make her willow whistles? How’s that supposed to happen if you’re gone?” Sabine’s voice drifted off, and Tanner easily heard the note of pain in it.
It cut him to the core, because he guessed her questions were coming from promises made by previous men in either her life or Olivia’s that hadn’t been followed through on.
"I'll come back and teach her."
Sabine set the saddle on end, pulled the blanket off, and laid it out on the rails to dry. She kept her back to him and when she turned, she held his gaze, her eyes steady and hard.
"I have to tell you right now, I'm puzzled," Sabine said. "I feel like things are going in one direction with your actions, and in another direction with what you say." Her voice broke, and she turned back to the horse, grabbed a brush, and began to groom it with quick, decisive motions.
Tanner sensed her anger and frustration and wasn't sure how to reply. How to come up with exactly the right words to ease her concerns. He wasn't sure how to parse his own confusion.
"I'm sorry," he said. Then he stopped, realizing how weak those words were. He walked over to her and took the brush from her hands, finishing the job himself. He needed something to do as well.
“I’m as much at a loss as you are," he said. "I told you I'm a man of my word. But I also made a promise to Ken that I would go into this business with him."
“I’m not asking you to break that promise.” But the lack of conviction in her voice told him another story.
“You don’t sound convinced of that.”
“It’s not my place to say anything.” She pulled in a breath and lifted her hand to wave off his question, but he caught it in his, feeling a sudden need to know what was on her mind.
“Tell me what you think.”
Another pause, and he gave her hand a gentle shake. “Please?”
She drew her hand out of his and crossed her arms, and he guessed she wasn’t saying anything. But then she looked at him, her expression serious.
“I know you made a promise,” she said finally, looking past him, as if avoiding his gaze. “And I sense you feel some obligation to the man. But I think you really need to take a step away and examine your real reasons for this business partnership. I think you need to think of yourself for a change.”
"What do you mean by that?"
Sabine pulled in a breath. “I heard how he spoke to you, the burdens he tried to drop on your shoulders. It seems to me your relationships with both him and Dana are all about giving in.” She stopped and shook her head as if to catch herself. “I’m sorry. I'm stepping way out of line."
"No, please continue," Tanner said. "I'd like to hear what you have to say. Like you said, I broke away from my family, and I think anything you tell me would be things that Shannon, Hailey, or Naomi would tell me too if they were around. Not my brother though," he added with a light chuckle, hoping to diffuse the tension he felt emanating off of Sabine. "He was never that sensitive."
This elicited a grin from her as well. She tapped her fingers on her arm, thinking. Then she took a breath and continued, "Like I said, I’ve seen how you act around Ken, and I’ve looked over the financial statements. I’ve heard from Jennie how you helped your grandfather. I know it was so you could eventually take over the ranch yourself, but you worked for nothing, and you were so young. Then you married Dana and took in Paulette as your own, which, I have to say, makes you a hero in my book.” She paused a moment, and Tanner saw her cheeks flush. As if she was embarrassed about what she said, but it put a tingle of happiness in his soul.
“And that house you were building for Dana...just pouring money into it— Sorry. Again, I’m overstepping. At any rate, looking over the past many years, everything you've done has been for someone else. I think for once in your life you should sit back and look at yourself and do something for you. Make a decision that benefits you—without guilt.”
He had to fight an ingrown resistance to her words. A negation of their meaning.
Yet as he let them settle, they seemed to open a window in his mind he hadn’t known was closed. He was unsure of what to do, what to think.
"I can tell you don't agree with me, but I want you to think about that for a while." She fiddled with her hat then looked up at him, her expression earnest. "I know things are shifting and changing between us, and I know you feel it too. And I think we need to just put that out in the open. You need to know what you're doing. You have to be careful with me...with my heart.” She paused, and his own heart did a slow roll. Right now he wanted nothing more than to pull her close, tell her how much he cared. But how would that look, given he hadn’t made a firm decision about staying or leaving?
“We can’t really be together anymore, until you know exactly what is what you want,” Sabine said. “I can't... I can't do that to myself, and I for sure can't do that to my daughter."
Tanner looked at her, reality sinking in as quickly as her words did.
"What exactly are you saying?" He knew, but he guessed he wanted to hear it straight from her.
“This afternoon, the three of us...was wonderful. It was a taste of something I never had before.” Her voice broke, and he wanted to comfort her. To support her, but she must have sensed this, because she took a step back, looking away.
“I have to be fair to you and to me, and more importantly, I have to think of Olivia. I can't do this, Tanner. I can't act as if everything is wonderful. You're bringing out feelings that are deeper than any I’ve ever experienced before. Ever. I’m getting too close to you and it scares me. You still talk about leaving, and you say you’re a man of your word, and I believe that. So if you are, you’ll promise me you’ll keep your distance. I can't... I can't keep going like this, uncertain and unsure. I have a plan. It's a plan that’s a good one, and it's a solid one. I'm not so sure yours is. But I can't hitch my wagon to your star if you don't know which direction you're going."
Tanner was wondering where this came from, but then realized that on the ride back home she had been so quiet. She was probably thinking about all this as they were riding. Formulating her sentences, planning what she would say.
And the worst of it all was she was right.
He held her gaze, trying to figure out what to say, trying to figure out what to do. So much had changed so quickly the past few weeks, he still felt like he was trying to find his balance.
Then, before he could say anything, she gave a tight nod, turned, and strode away.
He watched her go, his heart twisting, her words searing his soul.
Run after her, you idiot.
And say what?
He turned away from her, not sure if he could promise her anything. And knowing it wasn't fair to hold out any hope right now.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to censor his thoughts. Things were getting more and more complicated, and he knew he had to be careful.
He wished he knew exactly where he was going, but somehow he sensed what he wanted was not what should happen. Did he have the right to change the plans that were in place? Did he have the right to expect Ken to walk away from this deal? His father-in-law needed the income Tanner had gotten from the ranch in order to start his business. If Tanner didn't do this, what would happen to Ken?
Was it really his concern?
Can you work with Ken day after day, knowing that you will be constantly reminded of something you are finally putting behind you thanks to that wonderful woman who just walked away from you?
Too many thoughts rolling in his head. The one thing he could definitely count on was that his feelings for Sabine were growing and changing. He cared deeply for her in so many ways. She was such an amazing person, so independent, and he admired her greatly.
She has a daughter. You have to tread carefully.
But even as that thought formulated, he thought back to that afternoon up in the mountains. How much he enjoyed being with her. How easy it was to be with both of them, Sabine and Olivia. How he missed having a young child in his life.
He let the horses loose in the corral and tossed them some of the hay Tricia and Mason had brought. He put the saddles away in the tack shed that had once held an endless array of blankets, saddles, bits, and bridles. His hands were busy with old familiar tasks, and as he worked his mind drifted over the times he’d spent with Sabine, riding on the ranch.
When he’d pointed out the Shadow Woman to Olivia, he easily remembered the first time his grandfather did the same.
The necklace he’d worn since Nana gave it to him was exactly the reminder she hoped it would be of his heritage.
He leaned his arms on the rail fence, looking out over the ranch, struggling again with conflicting emotions he hadn’t had space to deal with before.
Before, he had one task, get rid of the ranch. Erase this time of his life.
But his breakdown in the barn with Sabine showed him how foolish and ridiculous that concept was. Dana and Paulette would always be a part of his past.
He just had to learn where to put them and to find the right way to grieve their deaths.
Had to find out if he dared ask Sabine to be a part of his life.
And what do you have to give her if you do?
Blowing out a sigh, he pushed away from the fence just as a Jeep pulled into the driveway and parked by the house.
The vehicle didn’t look familiar.
Frowning, he strode toward it just as a woman and a tall blond man got out followed by a young girl.
“This is it,” the woman said, closing the door and looking around. “This is the place.”
Tanner stopped, staring.
“Hailey?” he called out, uncertain, and yet something about her was so familiar.
She spun around and held her arms out. “Tanner. Yay! There you are.”
She ran toward him, and he caught her up in a hard hug, sweeping her off the ground and spinning her around like he always did.
He set her down and she grinned up at him. “Look at us,” she said with a laugh. “Just like some life insurance commercial.”
Tanner chuckled and grabbed her by the shoulders as if to look at her better. “Yeah. Look at us. All grown up and everything.”
Hailey made a show of brushing her hair with her left hand, lingering as the sun caught the sparkle of a diamond on her ring finger.
“And even more grown up,” Tanner said catching her hand. “Congratulations on your engagement, Hailey-girl.”
“Dan, Natasha, come over here and meet my cousin,” Hailey called out, waving over the man and the young girl.
Dan nodded, taking Natasha’s hand and walking over.
“Tanner, this is my fiancé, Dan Morrow, and his daughter, Natasha. Dan, this is Tanner, the guy who owns this amazing place.” Hailey waved her hand to encompass the ranch buildings and pastures beyond.
“Used to,” Tanner corrected, taking Dan’s hand and giving it a firm shake. He smiled at Natasha, who was leaning against Dan, holding his hand. She was a slight young thing, with dark brown eyes like her father’s, her chestnut hair cut in a pixie cut. She looked to be about Olivia’s age.
“That’s right. I forgot.” Hailey’s sorrowful tone created yet another twinge of guilt that was eased when she punched him in the shoulder. “I still can’t believe you did that.”
“I had my reasons.” At one time he would have been able to defend those very reasons, but he couldn’t speak the words with as much conviction as he once had.
Hailey grew serious and laid her hand on his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. “Of course you did. I’m sorry. Anyway, Dan, Natasha, and I just got into town yesterday. I wanted to come here as soon as possible to see Nana.” She frowned. “So if you sold this place, what will happen to Nana?”
“She’s talked about moving to town for some time now,” Tanner said, once again struggling with a defensive tone.
“I suppose, but still...” Her voice trailed off as she looked around once more. “So where is the new owner?”
“She’s staying in the cabin.” Tanner pulled in a breath, still dealing with his own struggling emotions over said owner.
He pushed them down, then dropped an arm over Hailey’s shoulder, giving her a one-armed hug. “I’m so happy to see you again and glad I could meet your fiancé. Let’s go to the house. I’m sure Nana will be excited to see you.”
“It’s so good to be back.”
They walked together, and Tanner asked Dan a few questions about his business and their plans.
“I’ll be buying the hardware store in town,” Dan said.
“I didn’t know it was for sale.”
“We found out through the grapevine,” Hailey returned.
“Do they grow grapes here?” Natasha asked, frowning.
“No, goosey, that’s just a funny way of saying how news gets around.” Hailey flashed Tanner a grin. “Sort of like the Mug Shots Messaging Service, right?”
“Sort of.” Tanner smiled, remembering many times in that very coffee shop with Hailey. Times they would skip school and then deal with the fallout afterward. “Started many a false rumor in that place.”
