Seeking Home, page 13
part #1 of Family Bonds Series
“That’s all?” she said, incredulous. “Easy for you to say. Those aren’t your zeroes.”
Tanner chuckled, but she was half-serious.
She made arrangements for payment. Wrote out a check for a deposit on the full amount.
“If you can’t make the full payment, then we will hold this deposit,” Debbie warned her as she typed something into the laptop beside her.
Sabine guessed this was a rote comment she made for anyone making large purchases. But it still rankled.
“I’ll be making the full payment on Monday,” she said, struggling and failing to keep the defensive tone out of her voice.
“Excellent.” Debbie gave her a receipt and a big smile. “Congratulations again. You did well today. Got some really good deals.”
Sabine gave her a weak smile, then, pulling in another breath, walked away on shaky legs.
Pride was an expensive emotion.
Chapter 8
There was no conversation in the truck as they drove away from the Anderson place. Tanner was caught between annoyance and sympathy. When they got into the truck, he wanted to ask her what was she thinking? Why hadn’t she followed his lead?
Then he saw how pale she was, how she clutched at her purse as if afraid even more money would jump out of it.
Plus, she looked like she was about to cry, so he knew she didn’t need to hear anything more from him.
The only sound in the truck was the hum of tires on the pavement and the muted notes of a song coming from the radio.
They drove for a while and finally Sabine released a heavy sigh.
“I’m so sorry about what happened,” she said.
“You don’t need to apologize to me.”
“Maybe not, but you gave me good advice, and I didn’t take it.”
Tanner wanted to agree, but that would only add to her obvious misery.
She pulled in a shaky breath, then another.
“I’ll have to talk to my accounts manager on Monday and see what I can arrange.” She shook her head, looking out the window. “I can’t believe I got so caught up in the moment. Me and my stupid pride.”
Her last word caught his attention. “What do you mean, pride?”
Sabine twisted the handle of her purse, as if thinking of what to tell him, then looked over at him.
“It’s all about my stupid nickname. I know I should be over it but...”
“You don’t need to explain it to me,” he said, giving her a gentle smile.
“I know I don’t. I was letting history seep into the present. Which is what happened at the auction.” She paused, her lips pressed together, as if reliving what had just happened at the auction. “I saw an old classmate. Natalie Den Engelson. She was the one who came up with my lovely nickname.” Another pause, but Tanner said nothing, sensing this all had to come out in its own time.
“Anyhow, I realized she was bidding on the cows as well, and on top of that...well...” She sucked in a quick breath, looking away. “Like I said, my foolish pride got the better of me,” she said finally. “I wanted to show her that I wasn’t the girl I used to be. That I could go toe-to-toe with her. That she wasn’t winning this fight. That for once, I was ending up the winner. I wasn’t Slobbine Ragowski anymore. I had money, and I could afford to outbid her.” She released a harsh breath, shaking her head. “It was all my reasons for coming back here distilled into one foolish bidding war.”
“That you won.”
“That cost me an extra fourteen thousand dollars just to prove my point and means I now need to figure out how to buy a tractor with the few thousand I have left, which I also need to spend on fixing up the corrals.”
And suddenly things became clearer to him. “I saw her in the crowd. I was wondering why she was staring at you.”
“Probably because she saw me standing beside you. She knew that at one time I had a silly crush on you.”
Tanner was momentarily taken aback.
“It was junior high stuff. Just...silly,” she hastened to add. “I shouldn’t have even said anything.”
She sounded embarrassed, and Tanner had to smile.
“Actually, I’m kind of flattered. I had no idea that you had a crush on me.”
“Well, I wasn’t the only one, so it wasn’t original.”
“Wait, there were more?” He injected a tone of humor into his voice to lighten the moment.
“Really? You seriously didn’t know?”
“No. I wish I had. I wouldn’t have been near as self-conscious.”
Sabine released something that sounded suspiciously like a snort.
“You sound like you don’t believe me,” he said, looking from the road ahead of her in time to catch her skeptical look. “I’m serious.”
“I can’t believe someone as good-looking as you was self-conscious.”
“If you don’t think of yourself as good-looking, then yeah, that can happen.”
“What about Garret? Your twin brother? Did he feel the same?”
Tanner laughed. “Garret was born before me, and he stole all the self-confidence. Left me with a few rags of self-esteem.”
“I actually remember that about him.”
“And it’s interesting that you talk about your high school experience because, believe it or not, when I was in high school, things were tight financially on our ranch as well.”
“You mentioned that. After your grandfather died. I didn’t know that until you told me.”
“We did okay, but we didn’t do as well as some of the other ranches around here.”
He slowed, then turned onto the road leading to the ranch.
“Did your father buy your clothes at the thrift store when they had their bag sale because even at their reduced price you couldn’t afford them? Did you have to listen to your father being called Rotten Rancher Ragowski? Did you have to watch him slowly drink away what little money was left?” She stopped, lifting her hand, waving it between them. “Sorry. I got carried away. Too emotional right now.”
Tanner felt a flare of shame that he had tried to show her he could sympathize by bringing up his own past. “No. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, make it about me.” He gave her a rueful smile.
She stared out the side window, saying nothing. Then she sighed and turned back to him.
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t whine about stuff that happened a long time ago. Things are different now, and I’m determined to make a good life for Olivia. She’s not dealing with what I had to when I was young or when I was married to Tim.”
“Was Tim like your father?” He knew he was pushing things, but he was curious about her. Wanted to know more than she had already shared with him. Standing beside her at the auction, with his arm over her shoulders, he couldn’t stop a feeling of connection. Of being in the right place.
He’d had to fight the urge to pull her even closer. He put his reaction down to loneliness and the fact that Sabine was an attractive woman.
Though he knew there was more to it. Riding with her had been eye-opening. He could see that she genuinely loved being on horseback, riding through the hills. The same thing he had always enjoyed but could seldom talk Dana and Paulette into doing with him.
Another pause, then she swept in a deep breath as if steeling herself. “I already had Olivia when I married Tim. She was two. At first everything seemed fine. Tim was attentive, but Olivia was precocious, and she wasn’t used to having to share me with anyone. Olivia’s father was...out of the picture. A mistake that I learned much from but that got me Olivia, so I was the winner in the long run.”
Tanner easily heard her love for her daughter threaded through her voice and by the way her features softened when she talked about Olivia. Which created an answering pang.
Although he knew Dana loved Paulette, he had seldom seen her look the same way as Sabine did right now.
“Anyhow, after Tim and I were married, Olivia went through a rebellious phase even though she was only two. Tim was patient at first, but when that rebellion lasted until she was five, he grew impatient and frustrated with her. It caused a huge rift between the two of them and, as a result, between me and Tim. He started staying away longer, not wanting to be at home anymore and taking longer trucking hauls. When I confronted him, after one especially long time away, he told me that he didn’t think he could do this anymore. He didn’t want to be a part of Olivia’s life. Olivia sensed that. Sensed his rejection.” Another pause and another deep breath. “That’s why, though I fully understand why you did it, your initial reaction to her put my back up.”
Tanner put himself in her position to see things through her eyes. “I can see why you would feel that way. I’m glad you know why...I know it’s been three years, which is interesting, because that’s exactly the length of time Paulette and Dana were in my life.”
They had come to the ranch, and Tanner parked the truck. But Sabine didn’t get out right away. “What do you mean?” she asked. “I thought...I thought Paulette...I thought she was—”
“Was my biological child?” Tanner leaned his arm on the steering wheel, facing her. “I can see why you would think that, but no. Like you, Dana already had her when we got married. But unlike you, I was as much in love with that little girl as I was with Dana. She was...precious.” To his dismay his voice wavered, showing emotions he thought he had buried. Emotions that were coming too easily to the forefront ever since Sabine and Olivia came to the ranch.
“I know it was hard for you, but that’s amazing,” she said, a wistful tone in her voice. “What a blessing for Paulette. To have had you in her life.”
“I just wish it could have been longer. They were taken away too soon.”
Sabine moved closer, laying her hand on his arm. “Words are too small to give you comfort,” she said. “But right now it’s all I can give you. That and my prayers.”
“For what they’re worth.” He didn’t mean to sound so bitter, but the old anger with God surged up right behind the sorrow.
Too many emotions, he told himself, swallowing, clenching his hands.
“Earth truly has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal,” she quoted, her hand still on his arm.
“I once believed that, but now I’m not so sure,” he said. “So I just walked away from God. Gave Him up. I haven’t prayed for three years, so I doubt He even remembers who I am.”
Sabine didn’t remove her hand. Instead she gave his arm a gentle stroke of commiseration. “It’s hard to see God’s care or think He cares when so much has been taken away. But I know from personal experience that I can run away from God as far as I think I can, and yet He’s still there. So I found I gave up too. But instead of running, I turned to face Him and told Him how I felt. Let myself be angry with Him. And then, to my surprise, I slowly felt peace. I felt His love. Nothing really changed, except me.”
Tanner heard the sincerity in her words and for a moment envied her certainty.
“Anyhow, I do want you to know that I pray for you,” she added.
“You do? You barely know me.”
Then she smiled. “Oh, but you forget the small, flickering torch I carried for you in my earlier years. I know you. I know you used to wear a jean jacket that had your name embroidered on the sleeve and, when the rodeo was in town, a black cowboy hat.”
Again, despite the emotions that he struggled to contain, he had to smile, and behind that came that glimmer of connection. Of attraction.
He looked over at her, her eyes soft, her lips curved in a sympathetic smile.
She was so beautiful and so close.
He covered her hand with his, squeezed it lightly. She twisted her fingers to entwine with his, returning the pressure.
His breath caught in his throat as their eyes held and as the space between them seemed to shrink. Grow smaller. She was closer. He touched her shoulder, gently caressing, not stopping to wonder why he was doing this. It felt right. Her hand was on his shoulder. So close. He stroked her hair away from her face, just for a chance to touch it. To feel if it was as silky as it looked.
“What are you doing?” Sabine asked, her voice as breathless as he felt. But she didn’t pull away or resist.
He shifted a little closer, his eyes on her lips. So close. So tempting.
Then a rap on the window of his truck shattered the moment.
Tanner pulled back, his breath tangling in his throat.
Sabine withdrew her hand, looking past him, and he finally turned around.
Ken stood there, watching them.
And he didn’t look happy.
Tanner got out of the truck, wondering why his father-in-law was there. How he hadn’t noticed him coming in the yard.
Too caught up in Sabine.
“Hey, bud. You weren’t answering your phone,” Ken said, a faintly accusing tone in his voice.
“I shut it off. I was at an auction sale.”
Ken glanced past him to Sabine, who was closing the truck door and walking away.
Tanner wanted to call out to her, to tell her that everything would work out, but Ken was right there, his eyes flicking from Sabine to Tanner, his frown deepening.
“What was she doing in your truck?”
“Why are you here?” Tanner parried, not liking the way Ken asked the question. As if he had to answer to him about what he did and with whom.
“I came to see if you got those papers Jennings said he would email.” But even as he spoke he shifted, looking past the truck as if to get a better look at Sabine.
Sabine was heading to her cabin, head down, not looking back, hands shoved in the pocket of her blue jeans, her purse hanging on her shoulder. Nana’s car was gone, so that meant she and Olivia were off somewhere. He felt another wave of guilt that it was because of him Olivia had to be sent away.
“No. I didn’t get anything,” he said to Ken.
Ken dragged his hand over his chin, blowing out a sigh of frustration. “Why is he dragging his heels? Doesn’t he know how quick we need to move on this?”
“We’re not really in a huge rush, are we?”
“We were a week ago.” Ken shot him an aggravated look. “You’re not thinking of backing out, are you?” he snapped.
Tanner put his hand on the man’s shoulder. Obviously, something was really eating at the man and he needed to settle down. Plus, Tanner didn’t like the way he was glaring at Sabine, who was now sitting on her deck, talking on the phone. “Let’s go inside. I’ll check my computer and see if anything came in today.”
Thankfully, Ken agreed, but he strode ahead of Tanner, his shoulders hunched, his body language aggressive.
His father-in-law stepped into the house, and as they walked to the office, he stopped by the wall of pictures in the living room. He scanned them then turned to Tanner. “Where are the pictures of Dana and Paulette you used to have up here?” Again that muted accusation which created an unwelcome guilt.
“I didn’t put those pictures up. My grandmother did. So you’d have to ask her.”
“But you’ve been staying here. Wouldn’t you want pictures of your wife and daughter hanging on the wall?”
Actually, no, Tanner wanted to say, but sensed that would be exactly wrong.
“Let's go to the office,” he said instead.
Ken paused, glancing over the wall again, then followed Tanner into the room just off the living area.
“You don’t have any pictures here either,” he said, scanning the room. “It’s like you want to sweep Dana out of your life.”
“Again, this isn’t my office. I’ve been using it while I’m here, but it’s my grandmother’s.”
Tanner didn’t have the energy for this. His talk with Sabine in the truck, those moments of confession and connection, had been emotionally draining. And Ken’s sudden appearance had thrown him offtrack.
He turned on the computer and logged into his email. After scanning through the junk mail that still managed to get past the spam filters, he found a letter from Jennings. But when he clicked on it, he realized it was an older email he had already read.
“Nothing new,” he said, leaning back in his chair, folding his hands over his stomach as he watched Ken still pacing the office, his brow furrowed deeply.
“What’s going on, Ken?” he finally asked.
His father-in-law stopped his pacing, that baffling anger still pinching his features.
“I’d like to ask you the same thing.”
“Excuse me?”
“That girl. What were you doing with her in your truck?”
Tanner had to wait a moment before replying. The accusing tone in Ken’s voice put his back up.
“Why do you want to know?” he asked, once again answering a question with another question.
“Don’t give me that. Just answer the question.”
“I don’t like your tone, Ken.”
“Well, I don’t like seeing you with your hands all over...over...that woman...I mean—”
“You better stop right now,” Tanner said, his own anger growing, stifling the feeling that he had to explain anything at all.
“Who is that woman, anyhow?”
Tanner forced himself to wait, to let his silence speak for itself. To remind Ken that anything he would tell him was only because he chose to.
“Her name is Sabine, and she’s the ranch’s new owner. That’s all.” And that was all he was telling him.
“Really? Because that’s not what it looked like to me,” Ken snapped.
Tanner stood to face his father-in-law. “I don’t care what it looked like. I don’t care what you think. You have no right to talk to me the way you are.”
Ken seemed to wilt in the face of Tanner’s anger. He dropped into a chair, rubbing his face, his eyes closed, and Tanner wondered if he’d pushed things too far.
“I’m sorry, it’s just...today was Dana’s birthday, and it’s tough. I’ve been on edge all day.” Ken’s voice shook, and he looked up at Tanner. “I can’t believe you wouldn’t have remembered that.”
Again the accusation. As if Tanner wasn’t grieving properly. As if he hadn’t spent months, even years, second-guessing the accident. Trying to figure out what he could have done to prevent it.
