Seeking Home, page 19
part #1 of Family Bonds Series
“Like I said, grief has to come out,” she said, looking down at his hand, tracing a light scar on the back of it, wondering where it came from. “As for the guilt, I think you can put that aside as well.”
“I wish I could but lately, it seems like it keeps coming up.”
“It doesn’t help that Ken has been adding to it.” No sooner had the words popped out than she wished she could have taken them back. “I’m sorry. I was out of line. Ken has his own grief to deal with.”
Tanner heaved out another heavy sigh. “You’re right, though. He keeps bringing Dana up and reminding me of what he and Louise lost.”
“Does he talk about Paulette much?”
This was received with a slight frown, as if he was considering that. “You know, that’s the strangest part. He doesn’t seem to bring her up much at all. It’s mostly Dana, whereas, for me, losing Paulette was harder, even though...”
“Even though she wasn’t your biological child.” She finished his sentence, stating the fact simply, hoping he understood what she was trying to say.
“I felt Paulette was just as much my daughter as Dana was my wife. If Dana hadn’t taken her away as often as she did, I think we would have been closer, which was why it was so hard to lose her. I feel like Dana took her away from me one last time.”
Sabine pondered his words, part of her thrilling to the fact that he could be so attached to a child who wasn’t his own, part of her puzzling out Dana and his relationship. And Ken’s relationship to his only grandchild.
“Unfortunately your dear daughter ended up being on the wrong end of my grief,” Tanner said, sighing. “Once again, I’m sorry for that, and I’d like to make it up to her somehow.”
“You already did. You saved her from a nasty and bad fall.”
Tanner blew out a sigh. “That was frightening. Terrifying, if I’m honest. When I had to carry her back...” He paused, shaking his head. “I’m so thankful nothing happened.”
“I am too. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Watch you carrying her and not being able to do anything except pray.”
“I’m sure that helped.” Tanner released a light chuckle. “I was praying too. But I have to say, I was so happy I could help her. And it may sound kind of strange, but I felt like by helping her I exonerated myself. Just a little. I couldn’t save Paulette, but I could save Olivia. Not that she was in danger of dying—”
“She was in danger. Period,” Sabine said, still feeling shaky over it all.
She fiddled with his hand, loathe to break the connection between them. It felt good to hold a man’s hand. Feel its strength, the rough hairs under her fingers. “I’d like to say...I’m not sure how to say this...but thanks again for all you’ve done. I know it was difficult, but I do appreciate you taking the time to show me the ranch. Help me out here and there.”
He released a harsh laugh. “I could have done more, and I apologize for that too. You shouldn’t have had to hire Connor to help you fix the fence.”
“Maybe not, but it was kind of nice to get all that attention.”
“Did you like that? His overt flirting?”
“What girl doesn’t like being made to feel attractive?”
Tanner turned to her, his mouth curved in a teasing grin. “You mean I don’t make you feel that way?”
Sabine swallowed as his eyes delved into hers, as his hand cupped her face, his thumb moving slowly, gently over her cheek.
“You make me feel a lot of things,” she whispered.
They sat that way awhile as the rain poured down outside, creating a sanctuary in the warm, dry barn.
Then his expression grew serious, his hand stilled, tightened on her face. “Sorry again for the breakdown.”
Sabine covered his hand with hers, holding it close, extending the moment. “I’m sorry you had to go through this, but I’m thankful I could be here.”
“I may not flirt with you, but you need to know that you’re an amazing woman.”
His eyes latched onto hers and her breath caught in her throat, and time spiraled to a standstill.
Then his eyes blurred, his face grew indistinct as his breath fanned her mouth. Then his lips claimed hers.
Her hand slipped to his hair, tangling in his thick curls, holding his head against hers.
He released a gentle moan, then swept her to him, his lips moving over hers.
Sabine clung to him, unable to hold him close enough, his warmth and strength surrounding her. She lost herself in his kiss, in their embrace.
But slowly, treacherous thoughts shifted upward, cooling her ardor, chilling her heart.
This can’t go on. You have a daughter you are responsible for.
Slowly, and so reluctantly, she pulled away, the voices bringing reality in their wake. Tanner straightened, ran his hand through his hair. As he pushed himself to his feet, he held out a hand to Sabine. She took it and stood beside him, fighting the urge to touch him. To reconnect with him.
He must have sensed her withdrawal, because he took a step back as well.
“We better get to the house before Nana decides to come out and see what’s happening.” He shot a look over his shoulder at the rain that still sheeted down outside the barn, bringing a chill into the atmosphere. Then he smiled and, to her dismay, touched her cheek lightly.
“Thanks again,” he said, his voice quiet. “I might stay awhile. Maybe go for a drive. Settle myself.”
She swallowed, her mind a whirl of confused thoughts. Conflicted emotions. She didn’t trust herself to speak, so she simply nodded to acknowledge his thanks. And his comment.
“Guess I better make a dash for it,” she said, then walked past him, pulled her coat over her head again, and ran out into the rain, not looking behind her to see what he was going to do.
What are you looking for?
Tanner stood in the living room of the unfinished house that was supposed to be for Dana and Paulette, though if he were honest with himself, it was mostly for Dana.
He fought down a wave of guilt and behind it another flood of sorrow.
For the briefest moment he regretted breaking down in Sabine’s arms half an hour ago. Releasing the sorrow that had choked him for so long. But behind that came a surprising relief at letting go of the burdens he had been holding in.
The pain was still there, but not so raw.
He knew he should have gone to his nana’s house and joined Sabine and Olivia, but after such an emotional outpouring, such a turning inside-out of his life, he needed some time alone. Some time to process what had just happened.
He dropped onto the worn couch, the only furniture in the house, and eased out a sigh, his mind sifting back over his memories.
Paulette dancing around the yard, chasing dragonflies. Barreling out of the car to hug him when she came back from yet another trip.
His throat thickened again, and he was surprised to feel tears sliding down his face.
But behind his sorrow, like acid, dripped thoughts of Dana. Her anger when things didn’t go the way she wanted. And, as he looked around the house, he recalled too easily the last words he and Dana had spoken to each other.
They stood here in the living room while Dana spun more dreams, not realizing that Tanner had asked her to come here, to this place, without Paulette, to talk about their marriage. To talk about his concerns of her unfaithfulness.
Again.
Dana had been unfaithful before, and when he’d confronted her, she had tearfully pled with him for a second chance. Told him it was a mistake.
But he knew it was happening again. He’d been hearing ragged pieces of rumors. Hushed conversations that quit when he came into the café. Phone calls his wife wouldn’t tell him about.
Then, the week before the accident, when he went to town to pick up an overpriced sink for overpriced kitchen cabinets, he was informed by a helpful do-gooder that she had seen Dana making out with Davis Abernathy. He was angry and humiliated but concerned enough that the next time she went out, he followed her.
And saw the proof for himself.
Fool me once...
So he had asked her to come here, without Paulette, to tell her he wanted to file for divorce.
Dana had pleaded with him. Had turned on the tears. He was wrong. It was just another nasty rumor.
But when he confronted her with what he’d seen, she turned on a dime and grew angry. Told him she would take him for everything he had.
She had stormed out of the house and driven away.
Tanner stayed at the house, unsure of what to think. He worked, to keep his mind off what he had to do.
Three hours later, he went to the ranch. And the police were there, waiting for him.
Dana had taken Paulette and had, indeed, left. But the car she was driving had spun out of control and landed in the river.
He had gone over and over his conversation with her. Over and over what had happened as a result. He should have let it be. Shouldn’t have said anything.
But now, as he thought back to what Sabine had told him, he realized he had done everything he could have. Had tried to be what Dana wanted him to be. That he wasn’t enough was not his fault.
He just wished she hadn’t taken Paulette with her.
This created another twist to his gut, another shiver of regret and guilt.
But right behind that came the words Sabine had said that he clung to on the drive here.
You’re forgetting about the choices Dana made...you take too much on.
Which immediately made him think of kissing Sabine. He hadn’t intended on doing that. Of course, he hadn’t intended on breaking down in her arms either. He had to fight a twinge of shame, of embarrassment.
Yet, after it was all over, he couldn’t deny a perplexing sense of relief. A thankfulness that the tightness that had kept its relentless grip on his midsection since Dana’s and Paulette’s deaths was finally released.
And then, to hold Sabine in his arms.
To kiss her.
He looked around the house, thinking of Dana, thinking of Ken and the deal they made.
Do you have to go through with it?
But what were his options? Walk away from Ken? Walk away from the potential to make some serious income, a welcome relief after being short for so long. Besides, Ken needed Tanner as a partner. He wouldn’t be able to start this business otherwise. Tanner felt as if he owed Ken.
What?
He tried to sort through his thoughts. Going into partnership with his father-in-law had been part of his life’s plan for the past couple of years. Could he really walk away from that because of a kiss?
It was more than one kiss.
But could he come to Sabine, hat in hand, asking to be partners with her? Partners on a ranch that had never made enough?
Never made enough for Dana.
He laid his head back, closing his eyes, his warring thoughts spinning.
And then, slowly, something else came to him. A Bible verse from the psalm Nana Bond had read to him.
But now, as it resonated through his weary mind, he clung to it.
“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.”
And he had seen trouble. But he took comfort in the first part of the verse. That God would satisfy him with His unfailing love.
He drew in a deep, steadying breath and did what he hadn’t done in years.
He prayed.
Chapter 12
“I think we should have you over for dinner for a change,” Sabine said as she sat back in her chair, full of delicious food, yet feeling guilty at always being at Jennie’s for dinner.
“You don’t cook as good as Nana Bond does,” Olivia put in, her tone matter of fact.
“Ouch.” Sabine covered her heart in mock horror.
“I’m sure your mother is a wonderful cook,” Jennie said to Olivia as if she couldn’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t know how to do something so basic.
“Wonderful would be a stretch,” Sabine admitted. “But I feel like I should return the favor.”
“Don’t be silly.” Tanner returned from the counter where he had taken the dishes. “Nana’s main love language is food. So you’re doing her a huge favor by coming here and joining us.”
Sabine recognized his careful smile for a gentle peace offering.
Yesterday, after his breakdown in the barn, he had left. Again. She was back in the cabin when he returned later that night.
This morning he was gone again, and she tried not to read too much into his absence. Tried not to pin her hopes on a change in his behavior after what they had shared.
But he was back at the ranch when she and Olivia came back from town. And he had been the one to come to their cabin to invite them, once again, to join him and Jennie for supper.
“I love Nana Bond’s food,” Olivia said. “I’ll be sad when she won’t be at the ranch anymore.”
“There’s no rush for that to happen,” Sabine put in, hoping Jennie didn’t think they discussed her imminent departure. “You know Nana Bond can stay on the ranch as long as she needs to.”
“And that’s lovely,” Jennie put in. “But I’ve already spoken to Shannon about helping me find a house in town as soon as possible.”
“How was your trip to town?” Tanner asked Sabine as he sat down again.
“Not entirely successful,” Sabine said. “But Case at the tractor dealership told me he would keep an eye out for an affordable tractor for me.” Though affordable was relative.
After talking to Tim Enders, Leslie’s boss at the bank, Sabine had realized how little wiggle room she had. Any tractor she could purchase would have to be bargain basement prices. And it didn’t help that the man at the dealership had told her she missed a real bargain at Anderson’s auction sale.
Salt in the wound.
“And did you find out if the teachers will let Olivia attend school?” Tanner addressed Sabine, but looked over at Olivia as if uncertain of his reception to her.
“They will. I’m so excited to go,” Olivia returned, giving Tanner a wide grin. “It’s a really nice school.”
“Well...that’s excellent.” Tanner seemed taken aback at her speaking to him directly but to his credit, he returned her smile. “I’m glad for you.”
“I love being with Nana Bond,” Olivia said, growing suddenly serious. “But it will be good for me to be with my own kind.”
“I see,” he managed, trying not to smile. “And I think you’ll enjoy that too.”
Olivia nodded, looking worldly-wise, and as she and Tanner shared a look, Sabine could see he was struggling as hard as she was to keep a straight face.
“Can I go and watch some television?” Olivia asked Jennie.
“Of course—”
“You should help with the dishes,” Sabine said, speaking at the same time as Jennie.
Jennie shot Sabine a remorseful look. “I’m sorry. I should have waited to see what you wanted her to do.”
Sabine could hardly protest. Olivia had spent so much time with Jennie the past week that she felt as if the woman had as much right as she did to determine what Olivia should do.
Olivia glanced from Jennie to Sabine as if to see who would win out.
Sabine gave her a grin and waved her off. “Go. Enjoy your last few evenings of no obligations. Next week you’ll be doing homework and a lot more reading, I’m sure.”
“That’s okay, I love reading,” Olivia said, getting up from the table and pushing her chair underneath. “Just don’t make me do math facts.” She made a face, and Sabine had to grin.
“We’ll take it one step at a time,” she said to her daughter.
Olivia bounced out of the room as Sabine stood. “Jennie, why don’t you join her? I’ll take care of the dishes. You’ve done enough today.”
“That sounds lovely.”
“Not so sure you want to watch the same show she does,” Sabine said.
“I don’t mind one bit,” Jennie said, getting up and following Olivia to the living room. She closed the sliding glass doors as Olivia turned on the television.
She and Tanner were alone.
“I take it you didn’t buy a tractor today,” Tanner said as she cleared the rest of the table.
“No. That’s an ongoing challenge. I might have to look at leasing one.” That wasn’t the most ideal option but, for now, it would be the cheapest.
Again she felt a flush of shame that she had gotten pulled into spending too much money.
“That’s actually a good idea,” Tanner said, rinsing off the dishes and handing them to Sabine to put into the dishwasher. “You can get a pretty decent unit without the long-term commitment.”
His comment made her feel better and reassured her that her choices weren’t all bad.
“I’ll still need one of my own, eventually.”
She took the dishes he handed her, not sure she wanted to talk about tractors and mundane things after the emotional roller coaster they had ridden yesterday. So she decided to stop tiptoeing around it.
“And how are you doing? After yesterday?”
Tanner frowned, concentrating on getting a particularly stubborn piece of lasagna off the plate he was rinsing. Then as he gave it to her he caught her gaze.
“Better.” He sighed lightly, rinsing off the utensils. “I think I slept better last night than I have in a long time.”
She gave him a gentle smile as she took them from him. “I’m glad to hear that. And you stayed here last night.”
“I did go to the house, though.”
Sabine kept quiet, waiting, wondering why he told her that.
“This is the last of the dishes,” he said handing her the salad bowl.
So, guess that conversation was over.
Then he leaned one hip against the counter while she closed the dishwasher and turned it on.
“It was hard, but it reminded me of some of the negatives of my and Dana’s relationship. And I thought about something you said the first time we talked about the ranch.” He dragged his hand over his face then gave her a careful smile. “How you noticed how much money had gone into the house. You were right. It’s a money pit.”
