Don't Get It Twisted, page 28
Claire felt herself soften. Coming out to her friends and family had been one of the hardest things she had ever done. Doing it for millions would be paralyzing. “Look," she said gently, "I don’t need you to come out with a big announcement on stream and rainbows all over your profiles. I’m just asking you not to hide anymore, to not make me feel like what we’re doing is wrong. How am I supposed to believe you’re serious about me when I’m not even allowed to hold your hand in public? I love you, Haley, and I want to shout that to the world every second of every day. And I love being a lesbian. I’m proud of who I am. Going back in the closet to be with you is killing a part of me that I can't lose.” Tears were flowing freely down Claire’s face, too.
“Did you just say you love me?”
“Of course I love you," Claire laughed through her tears. Wasn't it obvious? "I think I have since the first night you kissed me.”
“I love you, too.” Haley clung to both of Claire’s hands as if Claire was her lifeline and she was never letting go. “But I’m not good at love. I don’t have much practice being in relationships. And you’re so good at it. I want to be that for you, but I don’t know how.”
“We’re all just works in progress, Haley. I’m not expecting you to never make mistakes, but I can’t keep wondering if you’re ashamed to be with me all the time when you keep me hidden like a dirty secret. At least talk to me in the future.”
“Claire, no. You're not a dirty secret.” Haley’s face fell. “I never want to make you think that again, because you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Until I met you, I didn’t think I was ever going to fall in love again. It always seemed so easy for everyone else, and then I met you, and I finally understood what people meant. I want to be by your side for the rest of our lives, whether it’s here or in Boston or anywhere in the world that makes you happy. I can’t imagine what a future looks like without you anymore, and I promise I’ll never make you doubt that again.”
Looking into Haley’s watery eyes, Claire saw nothing but honesty beaming through the love and fear. “I know it’s scary,” Claire said. “But I’ll be with you. And like I said, it doesn’t have to be all at once. Maybe we can start by just going on a date.”
Chapter Forty-One
The gym smelled like musty leather and sweat that was barely covered by the sharp smell of disinfectant. Grunts and the reverberating smacks of gloves against bags filled the air. Haley grinned as Noah passed her a jump rope. It felt good to be back.
Her calf muscles were burning by the third set of the warmup, but it was a welcome feeling. So was setting the rope down, wrapping tape around her wrists, and slipping her hands into her boxing gloves.
Noah raised the pads. “Don’t push it if it hurts.”
“I won’t,” Haley said, throwing her first punch and catching him off balance. She was sick of being babied by everyone and tired of not being believed.
Noah reset, planting his feet more firmly beneath him before raising the pads again, a half smile pulling at his mouth. “Lucky shot.”
Like hell it was. The offhand comment unleashed a torrent of fury. Luck had nothing to do with it. She had fought to be there, fought to get back in shape, to get back in the office, to get back in the gym, to get back to her life. Her fists slammed into the pads but he was ready for her, a boulder in her way that she needed to smash through to find what was waiting on the other side.
“Damn,” he said when she finally fell back, too winded to continue. “Still got it.” He held out the pad for a fist bump, but Haley swiped it away.
“Again,” she demanded, though her arms already felt weak from her first onslaught.
Noah raised the pads and she jabbed. Each hit was a new wound ripped open to let the pus drain out, each thud of leather on leather a cathartic release. Fuck all the people who had reveled in the drama of her almost dying. Fuck all the ones who said it was staged. Fuck them for demanding more of her than she was willing to give. Fuck the rumors. She was done. It was time to be Haley Hunter on her terms.
She was spent. Her breaths came in rapid gasps and her heart pounded in her ears. Muscles she had forgotten existed burned in arms that she could barely raise to wipe away the sweat at her temples and trickling into the corners of her eyes. Noah handed her a water bottle and she chugged half of it.
“Ready to call it?” He asked.
She almost said ‘no’ out of sheer spite, but her arms physically wouldn’t let her go another round. “I think we should break up,” she said instead.
“What?” His head cocked to the side as he tried to figure out what she meant.
“Like publicly. We need to just come clean, tell everyone we aren’t together.”
“Yeah, sure,” he agreed with a shrug. “We can work on scripts next week. As long as we post it to both channels. Breakup videos always pull tons of views and I need them more than you these days.”
Haley smiled. It was true. Her return video, simply titled ‘I’m back’ had already become the second most viewed video on her channel, after the archived stream of the accident. She had avoided talking much about it all, just reassured everyone that she was doing well and would be back to creating full time soon. Of course, the comments had plenty of people accusing her of faking or clickbaiting, but the majority were supportive, telling her to take as long as she needed and that they just wished her well.
“You know, I was thinking…” Haley paused to unzip her gym bag and rummage around for a sweatshirt to throw over her sports bra. She didn’t know if she should even tell him. There was no way Noah could understand. But he was the only person she had to get business advice from. “I was thinking maybe I should, like, come out to my channel.”
Noah crossed his arms and thought for a moment. “Probably a good idea.”
“Wait, you really think I should?” Haley had been thinking about it ever since she had caught Claire looking at apartments in Boston, but she had talked herself out of it every time. Out of excuses, she was looking to Noah to make them for her.
“Sure, why not?”
“I just feel like I’ll lose a bunch of followers.”
“The ones worth keeping will stay, and rest can fuck off. If they unsubscribe because of who you want to be with, you’re better off without them. And maybe you’ll gain more than you lose.”
“I’m scared.”
“Understandable. Do it anyway.”
“But—”
“Does Claire make you happy?”
Haley nodded.
“Do you see yourself with her for a long time?”
Haley nodded again.
“Then tell them. Eventually you’ll slip and say something about ‘my girlfriend’ on a livestream anyway, so just rip off the Band-Aid.”
Damn him, he was right, and Haley hated when that happened. Because when she peeled back all the excuses, all the fear she told herself was self protection, the truth ached. She wanted to be seen, not as a carefully constructed caricature of herself, but as her whole being. Making Claire happy was a big part of it, but she also knew she owed it to herself to step out of the shadows and embrace her identity, even while she herself was still figuring it out. Her therapist had offered her different words to try on, but none of the labels felt like the right fit yet. That was okay, the therapist reassured her. Like a good pair of boots, sometimes new things took time to break in. Or if the fit was really awful, they could be exchanged. But it felt better to be trying than to ignore who she really was.
“Coming back to the office?” Noah asked, slinging his duffel over his shoulder.
“No, I have plans this evening,” Haley said, nerves churning in her stomach. She was finally taking Claire on a date in Tulsa. She hoped it would be enough to convince her to stay.
***
“You smell good,” Claire said, leaning across the center console to kiss Haley at a red light. “Have you been to this place before?”
“No, I found it online. Great reviews, though, and it’s close.” Apprehension and hunger both gnawed at her in equal parts. Haley had never been to a lesbian bar at all. She didn’t even know one existed in Tulsa. What if she wasn’t wanted there? What if she wasn’t queer enough to fit in?
Claire’s face lit up as she noticed the rainbow flag hanging in the front window of the squat dive bar when Haley pulled in, and Haley felt a pang of guilt. She had selfishly cut Claire off from her beloved community, and even more selfishly, Haley hadn’t even realized she was doing it. But now she ached for that same sense of belonging Claire described when talking about her friends in Boston and going out to queer bars and clubs and festivals.
Haley couldn’t stop herself from glancing around to see who was looking before she reached for Claire’s hand in the parking lot, but she clung to it tightly as they walked inside. Glimmering string lights criss-crossed the ceiling, bathing the dark walls with warm light. Haley thought she could spend an hour examining all the art on the walls, each one a different celebration of womanhood, but Claire dragged her forward to the bar.
“Welcome in,” the bartender said with a friendly smile. “We have happy hour drafts and apps until trivia starts in—” she checked her watch, “thirty minutes.”
“Trivia?” Claire’s smile grew wider, then fell a little. “Too bad we don’t have a team.”
“We can be a team,” Haley said. “As long as the questions are about the weather, I got us covered.”
“I bet we can find you some people,” the bartender said. “Actually, I know a group that’s been looking for more players. They’re not here yet, but I’ll introduce you if they show up.”
Haley and Claire ordered, then sat down at a semi-circular booth near the bar while they sipped beers and shared an enormous platter of chili cheese fries then debated ordering another before the happy hour window closed. Slowly the tables around the bar filled in with laughing couples and groups of friends. Haley felt her guard begin to relax, and even leaned in when Claire threw an arm around her and pulled her closer, trying to enjoy the public display of affection she’d gotten so used to sidestepping.
“Hey,” a woman with a short black afro and brilliant smile stopped at their table. “Lynne said you’re looking for trivia teammates. Can we join you?”
“Sure,” Haley said, scooting over to make more room.
“I’m Janae,” the woman introduced herself as she slid into the booth, waving over another woman from the bar. “And this is my wife, Molly.”
Haley and Claire had just a few minutes to introduce themselves and get to know the bubbly couple before the first trivia round started. Haley sat back and nursed her beer while she marveled at Claire bursting with knowledge about foreign countries, pop music, and classic literature, and what Claire didn’t know, it seemed like Janae or Molly did. She chimed in here and there on a few questions, but mostly she was just enjoying being there. Being accepted without question or caveat.
“Holstein and Hereford are two examples of what?” The trivia announcer asked.
Everyone at her table looked at each other. Haley waited, but it didn’t seem like any of them were going to answer. “Cows,” she said. “A hundred percent sure.”
“She grew up on a farm,” Claire added, smiling proudly when she looked at Haley.
“I’m good with putting cows.” Janae scribbled it on the sheet right as the announcer called that time was up.
In between rounds, they learned that Molly managed a bank branch downtown and Janae was in her second year of a PhD program in geosciences. They also had a tuxedo cat—Tofu— and swore up and down that the barbecue restaurant in their neighborhood was the best in Tulsa, even going so far as to invite Haley and Claire to dinner that Sunday so they could prove it. And just like that, Haley and Claire had two new friends.
“That was the best night,” Claire said, squeezing Haley’s hand as they walked back to the car. “Thank you. I needed that.”
“Me, too,” Haley said. She couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. It was the best bar she had ever been to. She had always been more of a homebody, but maybe that was because she’d never had a place in public that felt like home. It was liberating being in a space where she didn’t have to pretend to be anyone she wasn’t. A place that offered safety so joy could thrive. “Do you want to go back tomorrow? The poster said it’s karaoke night.”
Claire laughed. “Since when do you do karaoke?”
“I don’t, but I can watch,” Haley said. She just wanted to be there with Claire making up for lost time. Surrounded by a community that had been missing from her life for too long. Surrounded by love.
Epilogue
Next June
“Just give me a few minutes to send in this article with the final edits, then I’m done for the weekend and we can go,” Claire said.
“No rush. We still have an hour before we have to be there,” Haley replied. She had finished getting ready an hour ago and had been pacing the hall outside the office ever since, pausing every so often to check her appearance in the round mirror that hung at the top of the stairs.
Claire scanned the last few paragraphs of her piece on the history of lesbian bars in conservative states. It had been one of the more fun articles she’d researched, using Haley’s spring travel schedule to her advantage to ride along and visit historic bars in places like Columbus and Dallas and Oklahoma City, to be released just in time for Pride Month. She grinned to herself as she read the closing paragraph, then hit send.
A year ago she would have never imagined herself working her dream position as a senior writer for a queer feminist online magazine with nearly free rein to write about whatever topics she was most passionate about. The article about college sexual assault didn’t win a Pulitzer—not that Claire had ever expected it to—but it was the top viewed article for the month of October, which had turned into a full time job offer at Christmas when a position opened up. A strong letter of recommendation from Whitney, who knew the editor-in-chief from college, sealed the deal.
“Noah and Jess just pulled up,” Haley called to her.
“Coming,” Claire called. She hurried into the bedroom to change into clean jeans and a rainbow-striped button down. Her undercut was freshly buzzed and she ran a comb through the rest of her hair before spritzing on a soft linen cologne and rushing downstairs. She got there just as Noah and his new girlfriend walked in the front door.
“Good to see you, Claire,” Noah said, tipping his hat to her. He had traded his usual flannel for a t-shirt with Y’all Means All scrawled across the front, and it looked like he had even taken the time to shave and clean the mud off his boots. Claire wondered how much of that was Jess' influence.
Haley stopped pacing long enough to hug both of them, but looked like she was about to start again until Claire came up behind her and wrapped her arms around her waist.
“You’re going to do great,” Claire whispered. “I’m proud of you.”
“We all are,” Noah said. “Let’s go. I want to make sure we get a good seat.”
Haley turned around to face Claire. “Do I look alright?”
“You look perfect.” A little flustered, but that made her even more adorable. Claire wanted to kiss her right there, but she didn’t want to mess up Haley’s makeup. “Do you have your notes?”
“Shit, no.” Haley darted upstairs and returned a moment later with a stack of index cards in her fist. “I don’t know what I would do without you,” she said with a loving glance at Claire. “I would have died without these.”
“Anything else you forgot?” Claire asked, laughing.
“I don’t think so. I don’t even know why I’m so nervous. It’s not like I don’t talk to thousands of people every day.”
“This is a big deal, though,” Claire reassured her. “And you’re going to be amazing.”
Noah drove them all to the banquet center and dropped the three women off at the door before disappearing to park the truck. Claire began to feel nervous for Haley as they entered the ceremony, which seemed more formal than she had anticipated for an Oklahoma Pride event. They were shown to a round table near a stage at the front of a room full of laughter and color, and served bread and water while cheerful pop music played softly in the background. Janae and Molly joined them a few minutes later, and Noah slid in right as salads appeared and the lights dimmed.
“Welcome everyone, to the opening ceremony of Tulsa Pride!” The speaker, a drag queen in a voluminous wig and sequined gown, addressed the crowd to whistles and loud applause. “My name is Kandy Kane and I’m your emcee this evening. Are you ready to have a great evening celebrating the best of Tulsa?” The audience cheered again. “We’ll get into the awards soon, but first we have a special performance from your reigning queen of Tulsa, Miss Ina Tizzy!”
Claire glanced at Haley as the vibrant drag queen took the stage, lip-syncing and dancing to a flashy medley of popular songs as the crowd roared. Haley was picking at a roll nervously, taking tiny bites in between staring at her salad. Claire reached for her hand and squeezed it. Haley’s grip on her tightened as the evening went on, through awards like best queer-owned business in Tulsa and advocate of the year, through moving poetry readings and joyous musical acts.
“And now, this year’s Visibility Award winner…” Kandy Kane paused for dramatic effect. “Haley Hunter! If you’re not one of the one and a half million people following her weather streams, you probably should be because, when she’s not in a literal field, she’s out here breaking barriers in her field. Let’s give her a warm welcome on stage to honor her with this award.”
Claire could feel Haley’s hand shaking as she rose, and she squeezed it one last time before Haley made her way on stage. Noah whooped as she positioned herself behind the microphone and cleared her throat.
“Thank you,” Haley said, holding up the plaque as the applause died down. Her voice trembled a little as she began the speech Claire had heard her rehearse dozens of time. “I’m deeply honored and incredibly grateful. When they called to tell me I won this award, I thought it was a prank at first. I never imagined I would be here. In fact, I probably wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my amazing girlfriend Claire, who has supported me every step of the way.” Haley glanced up from her notes to meet Claire’s eyes with a smile. “I love you.” She flipped to the next index card.
