Don't Get It Twisted, page 27
Haley whipped around. It had also been three months since she had been recognized in public. Probably because she had been avoiding the public. But the girl standing there couldn’t have been less threatening. Fourteen or fifteen years old, she couldn’t have been more than five feet tall, with a sketchbook clutched in one hand and a messenger bag slung across her shoulder. One pin stuck out in a sea of pastel cartoon animals and smiling baked goods: a little rainbow flag, proudly displayed front and center.
“I am,” Haley said, smiling. “What’s your name?”
“Nora,” the girl said softly, looking at her feet. “I just wanted to tell you you’re my favorite streamer.” She flipped through her sketchbook. “I drew this of you last year, but I never thought I’d actually get to meet you.”
Haley looked at the drawing she held out. It was better than anything she could do. The proportions of her face were a little off, but it was clearly recognizable as her, but what was really striking was the storm that clouded the background. The young artist had perfectly captured the preceding shelf and overshooting top characteristic of a supercell.
“You’re really talented,” she told Nora, handing the sketchbook back. “And I’m honored you chose to draw me.”
“Thanks,” Nora said, blushing. “Can we take a picture?”
“Of course.” Haley wrapped her arm around the girl’s shoulder and squatted so they were the same height while Claire took a photo of them. “It was nice to meet you, Nora.”
Nora checked the picture on her phone and squealed a little when she saw how it came out. “Oh my God, thank you. It was so nice to meet you,” she babbled, her initial starstruck shyness falling away. “I hope you keep getting better and get back to chasing soon. I miss watching you; no one else is as good as you. But I have to go; I’m going to be late for school. I was watching you for like ten minutes trying to figure out if it was actually you.” Her eyes darted from Haley to Claire. “And thanks for taking the picture by the way. It was nice meeting you, too.”
Nora practically skipped off towards the bridge, looking back over her shoulder every few steps as if to check that Haley was still there and she wasn’t dreaming. How much had she seen? And who would she tell? Nora had seemed sweet as sugar, but who knew what pictures would actually make the rounds later. And how much Claire would be hurt by them.
Okay, maybe Haley was being a little harsh judging a middle schooler like that. Nora was probably exactly what she seemed. She had drawn fan art of Haley, for fuck’s sake, it didn’t seem likely she would go spreading nasty rumors on snarky forums. Nora was better than that, and Haley owed it to her to…
To what? Start streaming again because of one random encounter with a fan? If it was that easy, she would have already done it. How was she supposed to explain to her audience that she missed them—because she did—but that even seeing the hard drive full of footage from her last chase when she went to pick up the insurance check made her chest tight and her vision blurry?
Three months. It really wasn’t that long. She’d thought her posts from Noah’s lake party would be enough to ease back in quietly, but it had been like dumping fuel on the speculation fire. Instead of Haley being dead, all of a sudden people were claiming that the tornado never happened and the accident was a hoax to get more attention. Claire and Noah both told her to ignore it, and she did have some loyal defenders online pointing out the scar across her chest and the scar the tornado had left on the satellite images of the valley somewhere southeast of Rapid City. All her old posts were flooded with new comments to release the footage.
Haley was letting all of them down. Three months of missed warnings. Two major hurricanes, and at least a dozen tornadoes within driving range and she had been hiding in the condo, pretending none of it existed. They deserved better than her disappearing, leaving them to wonder. They deserved the storm chaser they had all trusted enough to follow, to donate to and chat with and spend hours supporting.
“You got quiet,” Claire said, stretching out her hamstrings.
“Just thinking about how many other Noras there might be out there that I’m disappointing.”
“I’m pretty sure you made her whole day.”
“Yeah, but unless I come back, how long will it be until she forgets I ever existed?”
***
“Okay, I’m all ready for you, Haley,” the therapist called Haley back into her office.
Haley stepped into the cozy room, softly lit with Himalayan salt lamps glowing on round tables next to deep leather chairs. She sank into one and clutched a teal throw pillow to her chest.
“How have things been the past week?” The therapist asked once she was settled in her own chair with her notepad. It reminded Haley of the first time she had met Claire and she smiled a little.
“Up and down,” Haley admitted. “ But mostly good. The three month thing was easier than I thought it would be because Claire kept me busy all day. But I did run into a fan while we were out, and now I can’t stop thinking about getting back to work.”
“What’s holding you back right now?”
“If I even think about editing that footage I start to feel like I’m going to pass out.”
“So what if you don’t? What if you just set it all aside for now and make a new video? Or just get on a stream and say hello?”
Haley stared at her. Didn’t she understand? “It’s rare footage. I’ll get millions of views and tens of thousands at least from the licensing deals alone.”
“And you won’t get that if it’s the second video you post? Or the fifth, or the tenth?”
“I would, but I feel like I need to do this first.”
“Why is that?”
“I don’t know.” Haley squeezed the pillow, glad she had some buffer between her and the onslaught of questions. Everyone always made therapy sound like some wholesome thing, but it was fucking hard. She glanced at the clock to see how much time she had left, but she had barely been there ten minutes. Tears welled up in her eyes. Fuck, not this again. “It doesn’t feel like I even deserve to have a career if I can’t own my mistakes.”
“And would watching help you forgive yourself, or would you just be punishing yourself?”
“If I can’t even watch the footage without freaking out, then how am I ever going to get back out there again? Am I going to panic when a tornado drops nearby? Am I going to put people in danger? It’s not that I don’t want to, I’m scared that I can’t do it anymore. But I do want to. God, I miss it. I miss who I was before.” Haley reached for a tissue and brushed hot tears away.
“What do you miss about it?” The therapist asked after scribbling a few notes.
“The rush. The thrill of being alive, knowing I was doing something almost no one gets to do.” Haley sniffled. “Helping people understand the weather and how to be prepared for it. I didn’t used to be so afraid of everything.”
“Fear is a normal response after something like what you experienced. Everything you’re feeling is normal after trauma,” the therapist reassured her. “Your body and mind are trying to protect you.”
Haley fought the urge to roll her eyes. The therapist had reiterated some variation of the same theme at every session, but that didn’t make it any easier to accept. “I just want to be fixed.”
“You’ve made a lot of progress already, even if it’s hard to see right now. How’s driving been lately?”
“Usually okay if I’m just in town.”
“See?” The therapist nodded approvingly. “So what do you think is your next step? Something you feel ready to try in the next week or two?”
“I don’t know.” Haley felt her neck flush as she turned away. She wasn’t ready to watch the footage. She wasn’t ready to relive it.
“What about trying to film something in the studio? Don’t think about releasing it or how anyone will react. Just film it. Does that sound doable?”
Just thinking about it was enough to make Haley’s palms start to sweat. Filming a whole video sounded overwhelming. “I guess I could. But what if it’s terrible?”
“Just see what happens. What if it turns out well?”
Haley turned the question over in her mind as she drove home, and the rest of the evening. Claire was working late, leaving her alone with a baking competition show and her deepest thoughts. After the accident it was hard to imagine anything going well again. It felt safer to assume the worst because the worst had happened.
But she had survived it. And some of the best things in her life had come on the heels of the worst. Being ripped away from her mother but gaining a closer relationship with her grandparents as a result, leaving school and finding even greater success in streaming. The disastrous article leading her to Claire. She had made it through those things. Suddenly spending a few hours making a video that would probably never see the light of day didn’t sound so bad. She could probably manage that.
***
Haley took a deep breath and flicked the lightswitch in the office. Even though nothing in it had changed except her, the space felt foreign and cold. She walked over and turned off the air conditioner, waiting for the wave of panic to hit then exhaling a sigh of relief when none came. Maybe she could do it, after all.
Noah had kept the fridge stocked with Red Bulls even in her absence, and for a second Haley felt normal as she cracked the can and took her first sip. Her plaques for reaching one hundred thousand and one million subscribers gleamed beside each other on the wall over her desk and she felt a surge of pride. She had done that.
It all came crashing down when she sat down at her desk. The hard drive taunted her, tempted her with its gleaming plastic case. She tried to take deep breaths like her therapist taught her, but the air stuck in her throat. The racing thud of her heartbeat in her ears drowned out the sound of everything until all she could hear was the evil roar of the tornado bearing down.
What if you just set it aside for now?
The therapist's words cut through the fog of panic. Haley hadn’t even considered it as an option before, but what if… She snatched the hard drive off her desk and shoved it in a drawer, piling manila folders of old tax documents and insurance paperwork before slamming the drawer shut.
Done.
She was safe.
And it was easier than she’d thought.
Air rushed into her lungs and the haze began to disappear. She hadn’t even gotten to work scripting or filming the video she had been assigned, but she already felt like the biggest storm had passed. The laptop glowed to life when she flipped it open. So far, so good. She could handle that. She checked the position of the studio lights and camera and turned them on, then sat staring at the red light that said she was recording, wondering what to say.
“Hey, guys.” Her voice cracked on the first attempt. She cleared her throat to restart. She wasn’t talking to a million people, just Nora from the park. “Hey, guys,” she tried again. Much better. “It’s been a while…”
Chapter Forty
“Are you going somewhere?” Claire asked, looking up from the grilled cheese sandwich she was making for lunch. Haley was putting on her boots and jacket by the door.
“Going to film with Noah for a while. Did you need something while I’m out?”
“No, I was just hoping we could spend the afternoon together.”
“I thought you were working.”
“I’m taking the rest of the day off.” Claire grinned, unable to hold back her news any longer. “They bought the article!”
“Holy shit, that’s amazing. I knew they would.” Haley swept into the kitchen to plant her lips on Claire’s. “I’m so proud of you.” Her praise—and her kiss—set butterflies fluttering in Claire’s stomach.
“I was thinking we could go out tonight to celebrate?”
“This could take a while to film. I might not be home until late.” Haley evaded the request.
“I see,” Claire said tersely, flipping her sandwich. Of course she had an excuse. She always did, and it was getting harder and harder not to read into it.
“We’ll do something to celebrate, I promise.” Haley gave Claire another kiss. “This is a really big deal, and I’m so proud of you. But I have to go, I was supposed to be at the office ten minutes ago.”
Haley was good at always saying the right things to make Claire feel better, but her words were getting hard to believe when Claire stepped back and observed the pattern emerging. Haley was everything Claire dreamed of in a partner at home—when they were all alone—but when they were in public together, Haley acted like she barely knew her. Claire had been able to write it off as other things the first few times, but, as much as it hurt to admit it, she was starting to wonder if they could actually last. If there was any potential in a future with a partner who pretended she didn't exist. If maybe Tulsa had been a mistake.
Claire shook her head, clearing her thoughts. Those were later problems. She was going to celebrate her first sale as a freelancer—whether Haley was there or not—and the first thing she needed was a long, hot bath. Tobey came in and perched on the bathtub ledge, gingerly sniffing the essential oils from Haley’s expensive bath salts rising in the steam before sneezing, almost falling in, and darting off to hide under the bed.
Claire stripped down and submerged herself in hot water up to her neck. She leaned back and rested her head against the edge of the tub, letting the tension of all the interviews, all the tears and frustration at the injustice survivors faced soak away. The mingling scents of rosemary and eucalyptus filled the air and cleared her mind for a few blissful seconds before the sight of Haley’s shampoo and conditioner bottles in the corner of her eye brought her back to reality.
Could Claire really make her happy?
She was trying, but it felt like it would never be enough. That she would never be enough.
***
Don’t cook dinner tonight. I have a surprise, Haley texted later that evening right as Claire was about to get up from the couch and go to the kitchen to see what she could throw together.
After her bath she had taken a nap and gotten caught up on some reading, and she was feeling much better about everything. Maybe she had been too hard on Haley earlier. Gotten in her own head. Then Danny sent her an invitation to their baby shower, and the grief of everything Claire had left behind hit her like a semi truck.
At first, she was just going to look at flights. It was probably out of her budget, but it wouldn’t hurt to check. But once Claire started thinking about Boston—really thinking about everything she had given up—the homesickness began to set in. So did the downward spiral.
She missed having the T to get around.
She missed having friends she could be herself around.
She missed the salty sea air from the harbor, the museums, going out.
Before Claire realized what she was doing, she was scrolling through apartment listings. She hadn’t been gone that long. She could beg Whitney to give her another chance. She could pick her life back up from where she left it.
“I brought you Thai food,” Haley said, leaning over to kiss Claire on the cheek. “What’s that?”
Fuck. She’d been so lost in listings that she hadn’t heard Haley come in. Claire swiped the window closed but it was too late. Haley had already seen. She shrugged, trying to think of how she could play it off. Maybe she could say was helping Danny and Marco look for a new place.
“Are you looking at apartments? In Boston?” Haley sounded hurt. She was holding a plastic takeout bag and a bottle of champagne, both of which she set on the low coffee table before sitting down next to Claire. “Why?”
Claire sighed. There was no point in lying anymore, it would only keep drawing things out. “Because I got homesick today and was thinking about going back.”
“But why? Because I left earlier?” Confusion clouded Haley’s face.
“No, because of that.” Claire pointed at the bag on the table.
“Because I brought you dinner?”
“What are you going to eat?” There was only one container veiled in the plastic shroud, and besides, Claire knew Haley didn’t eat Thai food, anyway.
“I already ate pizza at Noah’s.”
“Exactly. It’s always Noah.”
“Ugh, not this again. How many times do I have to tell you he’s my business partner, nothing more?”
“And what am I? Your roommate?” Claire spat the word out.
The confusion furrowing Haley’s brow deepened, then understanding dawned in her eyes. “That’s what you’re upset about? That was weeks ago. Why didn’t you say anything then?”
“It never seemed like the right time.”
“I’m sorry,” Haley said, reaching for Claire’s hand. “I just… didn’t want to put a label on anything without talking to you first. But I’m sorry I hurt you. I never want that. You mean everything to me.”
“Then why won’t you go anywhere in public with me? Why can’t we go out to dinner, instead of always ordering in? Why can’t we be a normal couple?”
“Because I’m trying to protect you. You didn’t ask for the attention I get, people always taking pictures and staring.”
“That’s bullshit. I knew what I was getting into and I chose you and everything that comes with your life. Are you trying to protect me, or trying to protect yourself?” Claire asked, hinting at the worry that had lurked all along, that deepest fear she had tried to push back and ignore. But now it was all coming out. “You’re not ready for this. For us.”
Haley’s eyes widened, and she shook her head slowly. “It’s not that,” she said, though the fat tears trailing down her cheeks told a different story. “You don’t understand. This isn’t Boston, it’s Oklahoma. And my line of work is… well, you met them. To be honest, I don’t know how any of them would react if I told them we were dating. I’d like to think it wouldn't change anything, but I just don’t know. And my audience…” Haley trailed off but Claire knew she was thinking about the leaked photo.
