A River of Ash and Bone, page 6
My breathing began to pick up when Merikh didn’t immediately start a new topic. Heat flushed from my scalp to my toes, making me feel dizzy and light-headed. The shaft of sunlight from one of the many overhead windows felt like it was zeroing in on me, showcasing my every flaw. I felt as if my heart were beating so loudly that the entire room could hear it. Surely they could if it was already loud enough to drown out my thoughts. I clenched my hands tightly around the arms of the chair, watching in fascination as my knuckles started to turn white under the pressure. Every quiet cough, shifting of fabric and muffled whisper sounded like thunder to my ears. I was seconds away from jumping out of my chair and darting from the room, as humiliating as it would be, when Merikh shifted into a lazy sprawl, taking the arm closest to me and propping it on the back of my chair. His hand just barely brushed my bare shoulder in the process, but it was enough to snap me out of my impending panic attack. All I could focus on was the heat lingering on my skin, the goosebumps rising on my arms. His face was impassive, and there was no sign that he had even noticed that he’d touched me, which made it all the more unfair that I was so acutely aware of it.
“Let’s begin. First,” he stated finally.
The woman from the gate stood. “We can’t afford to feed another mouth.” Her eyes were flinty as she watched me.
“I didn’t ask, Anna. Besides, we have more than enough food to feed her.”
She sneered, brushing her light blonde hair over her shoulder dismissively, and opened her mouth to make what I was sure was another argument.
“Or it can come out of your meals, if you’d like?”
Her face paled and her lower lip trembled. “Why should she get to march in here and accompany you everywhere, not doing her part?”
“Enough.” He spoke quietly, but I could hear the underlying threat, and I assumed she could too because she swiftly sat down, arms crossed and eyes stuck on me in a deadly glare.
I felt so incredibly uncomfortable being discussed in front of an entire group of people like I wasn’t even there. I pushed back at the anger and the unjustness of my circumstances once more. I knew better than to think of my captors as domesticated and docile just because they liked to wear their polite masks in front of other people. It was obvious just from the barely concealed violence that they hid in dulcet tones, the chiseled cut of their muscles, the tough skin on their knuckles, indicating that the skin there broke often. These were men who backed up their claims with their fists and had the logic and control to match.
Dangerous.
I shifted slightly, tuning her out completely.
Another woman stood. She wore a long linen dress and braided her hair back into something that resembled a crown. Her face was a warm tan, round and welcoming. “The garden is low on vegetables, and we need more seeds to begin planting for the spring season. Since the blight destroyed our crops, we’ve had to rely on what little seed packets we could find, but the majority aren’t taking as they’ve expired or spoiled.”
Merikh’s lips thinned. “We’ll figure something out,” he said consolingly. I’d have had to see it to believe it, his attempt to reassure. “My father left yesterday for a scavenging trip past the bounds of where we’ve already picked over. He knows to keep an eye out for places that might still have some stored away.”
Merikh removed his arm from my chair, this time not making any contact with my body, before crossing his arms and cocking his head to face the man who stood once he’d finished speaking.
“Yes?” he prompted.
The man wrung his hands. “With John dead, we need an extra hand on perimeter duty.”
My eyes began to widen before I schooled my reaction. They knew John was dead? Did they know that he was infected? That I killed him? I hadn’t realized that I was tapping my foot anxiously until Merikh gently knocked his shoulder into mine. Of course they knew he was dead, why else wouldn’t he accompany them back after leaving together? If it was this easy for me to get nervous and awkward, I had no chance of not blurting the truth out to someone and that just wouldn’t work.
“We’ll take care of it.”
The man’s features relaxed, smoothing out before he sat back down. It was definitely in my best interest that people didn’t know. It wasn’t like they were accepting newbies with open arms in the first place, but newbies who’d murdered one of their own? I’d get a lot more people upset with me than just Anna.
Several seconds passed before a woman stood slowly, eyes darting around the room, then landing on Merikh and anchoring there. The woman sitting next to her shifted the toddler on her lap to lay a reassuring hand on her arm. The side of her face carried a large bruise, a dark purple and yellow splotch that stretched from her cheekbone to her jaw. She held herself gingerly, like maybe there were more injuries beneath the surface of her clothes that we weren’t seeing, but she set her jaw and watched Merikh for several seconds longer before breaking eye contact. Merikh only nodded, his expression inscrutable. She sat back down swiftly, the woman next to her whispering fervently as she placed the toddler into her lap. I tilted my head in confusion but didn’t interrupt to ask Merikh what it was about.
My mind drifted as Merikh kept addressing anyone who raised a hand or stood and before I knew it, people filtered out of the room slowly, talking amongst themselves.
Merikh waited until everyone had left before exiting the building, only to find that the sun had lowered in its descent, hovering right above us. “Come with me to collect lunch for everyone.”
I followed along dutifully all the way to the tent. I’d only been out for a few hours, and I was already exhausted by the amount of small talk and smiling I’d had to do. Granted, not many people looked past Merikh’s perpetual scowl to speak with me, but it was enough.
Already people were jumping from their seats to load up plates for Merikh while I just stood by, watching them make fools of themselves. What did they have to gain? To lose? Just what power did these four men hold?
A child ran up and tugged on Merikh’s pant leg, giggling uncontrollably. Merikh’s icy exterior cracked, lips curving into a small grin as he bent down to tug gently on her ponytail. He swung her into his arms, offering a nod in greeting to her father when he approached, then grinned wider when he started to spin her, and she broke out laughing. Once she’d had enough, her father granted Merikh his own smile before collecting his daughter and heading to the back of the line with her still laughing in his arms. It was clear that just because he lacked empathy and was a complete dick, didn’t mean he wasn’t beloved by the camp.
Don’t soften your opinions just because he’s nice to kids, I scolded myself, taking the plates that were being handed to me by strangers.
We made it back to the cabin within minutes, our walk silent and uncomfortable, mostly focused on balancing the plates. Once we made it to their cabin, Caelan and Grey took the plates from us and set the table. I didn’t see Nix anywhere, but assumed he was somewhere nearby.
“I have some clothes for you,” Caelan mentioned as he cracked his tattooed knuckles. Merikh winced at the sound.
I cocked my head as he gestured toward the couch. A pile of clothes sat on the middle cushion, what looked to be skirts, shorts, and gauzy tops at first glance.
I raised one eyebrow in his direction.
He smirked. “Donations,” he said, adding a quick wink. “You can check them out after lunch.”
“They don’t look very practical,” I admitted. They didn’t look practical at all, but they resembled the styles I’d seen some women wearing around camp. “Just a small peek?” I begged, adding a pout for good measure.
Caelan bit back a laugh, gesturing toward the pile. “It’s your food that’ll get cold,” he said with a careless shrug.
I picked through the pile, my cheeks heating when I spotted a piece of soft lilac fabric sandwiched in between two ridiculously short skirts, pulling it free to reveal a set of lacy undergarments. I had a somewhat flat chest and had mostly scavenged old sports bras in the past. I was lucky if they weren’t completely moth-eaten or full of holes. But to have such new-looking items? Made of fabrics I wouldn’t have even considered before? I bit my lip, setting them aside along with a few utilitarian-looking t-shirts, several new pairs of shorts, and one pair of sweatpants that looked like they’d be a little loose, but still comfortable.
“I’m not wearing the rest,” I declared. “I don’t care how safe you say this place is. I’m not wearing short skirts and tops that don’t offer any coverage.”
Grey gave me an amused smile. “You won’t branch outside your comfort zone?”
I frowned. I was used to sleeping with my shoes on, to having full-length pants and long-sleeved shirts on at all times in case I ran into the undead. It didn’t matter if this camp was empty of them; there was always a chance the Paleo virus would break out, and then what? How would I defend myself in a useless skirt? Even the longer ones would tangle in my legs and trip me up if I needed to run. No, I was happy with my old worn-out jeans and the shorts. It would take longer than a couple days for me to let go of the habits and practices that had kept me safe for so long
What could I say that drove home how serious I was about this? I should’ve taken more care to pick and choose my arguments with them because now it was just going to seem like I was disagreeing to disagree.
It struck me how quiet everyone had gotten. “Thank you for gathering these,” I started hesitantly. “But I would feel safer in pants.” Caelan opened his mouth, so I rushed to add, “Please.” It couldn’t hurt to make them feel like they were doing me a favor by agreeing.
To my surprise, Merikh swallowed his bite with a vacant look on his face, then nodded slowly. “That’s okay, princess. There’s plenty of clothes to choose from. We’re not so strict that we’d force you to wear something that makes you uncomfortable.”
I stopped my jaw from dropping just in time. “I–okay. Thank you.” That was… surprisingly easy. I tried to keep the suspicion off my face. Too easy. How could I yell at him for calling me princess when he’d just willingly made a compromise and admitted to caring about my opinion on what I wanted to wear? Aw fuck, was this how brainwashing started?
He patted the chair next to him, his blank eyes landing on me. “Sit.”
I stood in place, starving, but reluctant to follow his orders. For fuck’s sake, why couldn’t he just phrase it like a question so I didn’t have to seem like I was giving in if I just sat like both he and I wanted me to? It would save us so much damn time.
Grey, who was wearing his hair in a haphazard bun on top of his head, looked at me in both confusion and dawning understanding. At least I really fucking hoped it wasn’t pity. “Please come sit,” he said. “You must be hungry and you went through the trouble of grabbing yourself a bowl.”
Merikh glared at him before taking another bite, thankfully not arguing over it.
I was grateful for the olive branch. If it wasn’t an order, then I didn’t have to stand my ground, hovering over by the couch when I could be eating. I sat next to Grey, across from Caelan, who sat next to an empty seat. Merikh was next to that empty seat, at the head of the table. His eyes narrowed like he knew I’d avoided sitting next to him on purpose.
I took a bite of the soup, moaning at the burst of savory flavors across my tongue. More spices than I’d had in my entire life and still warm too, it was the best food I’d ever tasted. At the sudden silence, I looked up to find all three pairs of eyes on me. Caelan’s lips were parted while Grey’s eyes were hooded.
“Well, shit. Don’t stop on our account, sweetheart,” Grey murmured. I rolled my eyes, finishing my soup quickly as if I would never get a chance to eat warm food again. I had learned to eat every meal like it would be my last, because out in the wild, chances were that it could be. Food was so scarce outside of this haven, never anything savory and never the time to savor it. My father taught me a lot of things, but hunting was not one of them.
Nix walked in then, taking one look at our faces and then slinging his body in the empty chair between Caelan and Merikh. “What did I miss?”
“My hard-on for River,” Caelan drawled. I cast a shocked glance in his direction, spoon forgotten inches from my open mouth. Grey started laughing awkwardly, while Nix looked at him with exasperation. Surely he wasn’t serious. There was no way he was… for me. That kind of thing only happened in the books I’d read.
“I’m sorry,” Nix said softly, green eyes warm and kind.
I gave him a small smile, a smile that the others narrowed their eyes at.
When we’d almost finished eating, Merikh spoke. “You will be accompanying Nix tomorrow to check on the children. Make sure you’re prepared. The rest of today will be spent cleaning.”
I nodded, clenching my spoon in my fist at the demand. An inconspicuous wink from Nix had me loosening my hand and finishing my lunch.
“This way,” Nix murmured. I had woken on the couch that morning with Nix sitting across from me, studying my face solemnly. He was so much quieter than his brothers, his eyes carrying secrets that I would probably never learn, nor did I want to. Promise. Even if he did seem so nice and mysterious. He walked beside me quietly, green eyes shadowed under the grey sky. He looked even paler out here, the barest hint of dark smudges beneath his eyes.
I could use the time to appeal to him. Of all his brothers, he seemed the most reasonable, the most likely to let me go, the most conscious of how wrong it was to keep someone against their will. For some reason, I didn’t. I would find a way out, but I didn’t want to break our unspoken truce and lose my only tentative ally.
“So you check in on the children?” I asked as I struggled to keep up with him. His strides were so long, which checked out because he was like six and a half fucking feet tall.
“I do. We all do. Many are orphans, cared for by the community. Sometimes we stumble on them when we’re scavenging, other times the families that care for them found them alone before they came to us. The older ones attend lessons during the day, and the younger ones whose families spend the day working have a care center. That’s where we’re visiting.”
My stomach dropped as I realized… Oh my god, I’m an orphan. How did it never occur to me before? Maybe because it felt like we were all orphans these days. But still… what an odd discovery. My breathing sped up as I thought about just how untethered I was now. No family, no friends. Just me.
Nix’s hand softly brushing against mine pulled me from my thought spiral, and a bright flash of giddiness and insecurity hit me at the contact. I peeked up at him slyly. Was that on purpose? Surely not. I kept a vigilant watch on our hands as we walked, but it didn’t happen again.
“That’s kind of you all to care for them.”
His smile was a sad thing. “Who else, if not us?”
I agreed. We walked into the medium-sized building that sat next to where the meeting was held the other day. I could hear the screams and cries from outside, and my brow furrowed in concern. Nix gave a rare laugh, ushering me inside.
There were at least ten children, all in various states of play. One girl wearing a pink puffy dress scowled at a green-eyed boy for taking her toy. A different young boy pushed another, his head of dark curls swinging with the movement and causing his victim to issue a battle cry. Hovering around them were two women, both red-haired and pale, freckles generously decorating their cheeks.
“Twins,” Nix muttered from his place near my side.
“What’s in the water around here?” I muttered under my breath. Triplets and twins in the same camp?
“Nice to meet you,” the girl on the left said with a smile. A young boy sat on her hip, and she slung one arm around his upper body, holding him to her. “I’m Naia.”
The other spoke next, with a small nod of acknowledgment. “Nerese.”
I was at a loss on how to tell them apart just by their looks when I realized just how different their outfit choices were. Naia wore all pinks and purples, and it looked like she’d mended them herself to the point where they could’ve almost looked brand new. Whereas Nerese favored darker clothes, choosing to keep the rips, tears, and holes that probably came with the scavenged fabrics.
“I’ve brought River to see the children, to get an idea of how we run things in case she’s needed here. She’s new to the camp and will be pitching in so that we have an extra pair of hands.”
“We’re so happy to have you,” Naia said softly. “You’re going to love it here. No more going hungry or sleeping with one eye open.”
The kind words struck a chord inside me. I wanted to scowl, wanted to rage and yell and pout but I didn’t. Not only was it the wrong time or place but because I understood that all hands were needed in a place like this. I just couldn’t get past my anger to appreciate all the good that this camp seemed to do. Frustration that I was being held against my will, expected to help in a community I didn’t even want to be in. And maybe that made me selfish, but I never claimed to be altruistic.
I once killed a man just for encroaching on the land we had been occupying for a few months and stealing our supplies, for holding a gun to my dad’s head when we caught him in the act. It was the first and last time I’d killed a living being, not including John, and I didn’t regret it. I could still remember the shock on my dad’s face when he bucked against the man, breaking his balance and allowing me to slash his throat with my blade. The stickiness of his blood on my hands, so unlike the turgid fluids of the undead. I dry heaved for several long minutes, slumped over and sweating only several feet away from the man’s body. My dad rubbed my back soothingly, getting me a cup of fresh water and taking care of the body while I rested nearby in an abandoned car. Not only could I not allow him to kill my dad, but I couldn’t allow him to get a shot off either. Everyone knew that guns were for emergency only since they’d draw more trouble than they were worth.
