A River of Ash and Bone, page 24
“Why didn’t you just go inside too?” I couldn’t understand why he didn’t just retreat to where it was safe. There was nothing shameful about hiding if it kept you alive.
He sounded so calm, so unaffected. “Dad put Nix out all the time. We were only eleven when this incident happened, too young to really do anything about it. We’d been at this house for a few weeks, so we had one more to go before we could declare the area picked over and go back to camp. I knew he wouldn’t kill the zombies if he saw them. He’d just sneak us all past. He didn’t take unnecessary chances, and he certainly didn’t put them down to make an area safer.”
It dawned on me. “So if he wouldn’t kill them, eventually when–or if–Nix got put outside again, he’d run into one. He might not be able to take them on alone.”
I saw Merikh’s other hand ball into a fist out of the corner of my eye. “I should’ve done something about it, insisted he stay behind at camp or something, but Dad was relentless. He liked bringing Nix along just because he hated going so much, and if I said anything he’d leave me behind and I wouldn’t be able to help.”
The nonchalant tone that accompanied his words caused a sharp pain deep in my chest. “So you killed them yourself,” I surmised. “And you got that injury.”
He nodded, the fingertips of his free hand idly stroking the edge of the scar. “My first solo kill. I threw up for what felt like hours after.”
I pulled my hand free from his and shifted onto my side, one hand under my head and the other delicately resting atop his stomach. I traced the length of it, each bumpy, jagged section stoking my anger even higher. “You could’ve been infected,” I whispered.
He made a small noise in the back of his throat, and only then did I realize how tense he held his body. I looked up to find his eyes filled with more conflicting emotions than I could identify. Lust, confusion, desire, shame…
“I think you did the best you could,” I said softly, laying my hand flat on his skin. “I think you were brave. I think the scar makes you look even hotter, and that you’re a big part of the reason that Nix is still here today.”
His mouth twisted awkwardly, like he didn’t know what to make of my words. I watched his face closely, delighted to see his cheeks flushing a dull pink color.
Something in my expression must have given away my pleasure, because his uncertainty morphed into disapproval and embarrassment. He frowned, cheeks heating further, and my grin was too strong to suppress. “Come here,” I murmured with a laugh, telegraphing my intentions as I leaned over to kiss his lips softly.
Merikh made a sound low in his throat, hand reaching over to grab my hip. I felt his fingers twitch as I pulled away and laid back on my side.
“I’m… sorry for how you came to be here. I would never normally… I–”
It was strangely cute seeing him so flustered. I sighed, the apology smoothing over all the places inside me that were still raw and tender from how we met.
“I almost thought I’d imagined you when I first saw you. You reminded me of a picture in a storybook I found when I was younger about Rapunzel. All long hair and big eyes.”
I scoffed, trying to brush off the emotion I felt from his words. “No. Nix said the same thing, so clearly there’s something in the water here.”
“No,” he said forcefully. “It was the way you carried yourself. You were bold. Brave. And yes, even with the dirt or whatever else you think was wrong with you, you were beautiful and strong.”
I made a small sound of disbelief. “I seem to remember a certain someone calling me a rat. So is that why you call me princess? Because of the so-called resemblance?”
A grin spread across his sinful mouth. “Smart girl. So what if I had the urge to throw you in the lake to get the smell off before I brought you back with us? You were still–”
I tackled him, laughter filling the air as we grappled.
I felt lighter when I woke from my nap, as if a weight had been lifted. Merikh was gone, but I could hear low voices coming from the front room.
I walked out to find all four of them lounging around the fire.
“What’s the occasion?” I joked. Though when no one responded, the silence grew tense. Grey darted a look at Nix, who shook his head.
“What the hell is going on?” My mind was racing. Was I getting banished? Just when I’d made up my mind to try to stay? To make it work?
“We need to talk,” Merikh said quietly. I tried to tamp down the feelings of betrayal threatening to overwhelm me. Hours ago he’d been kissing me as if I belonged to him and now he was pulling this?
Caelan patted the spot next to him on the couch, making eye contact with Grey, who sat on the other end cushion. My movements were jerky, but I still walked over to the center of the couch and dropped myself down.
Five more seconds of suspenseful silence and my mind was racing. Was it wishful thinking that I could so easily shove aside all my bitterness at our earlier interactions? Because at the first sign of a challenge, it came rising up to choke me again. Yeah, I’d stopped resenting them weeks ago, but did I forgive them? I wasn’t sure if real forgiveness came with caveats. But how would I know?
“What.” My voice was flat, and hard.
That got some alarmed looks. Eventually, Grey was elected to speak. “We want you to stay.”
Everything stopped.
Time, the world, my turbulent thoughts, my apprehension.
“Excuse me?”
“We want you to stay,” he said again, firmer this time.
What had even given me the idea in the first place that they were going to ask me to leave? And did I want to remain somewhere that made my stomach turn inside out and my insecurities show at the slightest hint of conflict? I was more vulnerable than ever.
“Stop overthinking,” Nix said softly.
I took a deep breath and resolved to listen. “Can you elaborate, please?”
“Stay here, with us. Don’t go back outside those walls,” Caelan declared.
“What’s changed?”
Merikh made a rough noise, part disdain, part… I didn’t know, irritation? Frustration? I stood up to pace, unable to sit still.
“You were all alone,” he said coldly, jumping to his feet. “We had a camp, a whole cabin for you. Food, beds, warmth. You looked so tired, standing over John’s body. So vulnerable. How could we not have wanted to take you back and keep you safe? Even as angry as I was, I wanted to bring you back and protect you.”
“You can’t keep me like a pet!” I exclaimed, whirling around to point at him. “I had freedom, choices, a life. It was shitty, but it was my life.“ I thrust my finger into his chest, holding back a wince once it hit his hard muscles and masking it with bared teeth. “You never explained, never apologized, never–” I spluttered, unable to think of anything else to add.
“I know,” he said cautiously. “I know we should have had this discussion weeks ago, and that my apology last night was much too late. I know we were terrible and that you have no obligation to stick around, but I’m asking you to stay anyway. Be with us, be ours.”
What would being theirs entail? I would only stay if it was an equal partnership.
He must have seen some of my thought process on my face because he sighed, running a hand through his dark waves. “As ours, River. Only ours. Not a convenient body to help out around camp”
River.
He’d called me River.
At first, I’d thought their pet names thought were a targeted way of irritating me, distancing me. If what they’d said was true, about needing me to come back with them, the names had probably made them feel close to me at a time when we were anything but, and now it was safe to strip them away. Though somehow I was sure they were here to stay, and I didn’t seem to mind.
“Why did you really keep me in your cabin with you?“ I asked. The level of honesty in his answer would go a long way to gaining my trust, because even with the excuses they gave in the very beginning, there was no way I needed to stay in their space with them as they’d insisted.
“We saw something in you,” he replied softly. “We didn’t understand it but we needed you close. What other excuse could get you sleeping here every night where we could keep you safe? If there were no primary reasons, like cleaning or working, you would’ve been scared. Your mind would have jumped to all the other reasons we’d want an attractive woman sharing our space. We needed to set that boundary, to reassure you that we didn’t bring you back for that. And our attraction to you didn’t negate our anger either, it only fanned the flames.”
Caelan sighed. “Once we… I thought if we just showed you how happy you could be, you would move past it all and forget as time went on. I–we–certainly didn’t agree to fall for you as we did, and we should’ve discussed how this new dynamic would work rather than assuming. It was wrong of me to think you didn’t need an apology, so this is me, officially apologizing. I’m so incredibly sorry for what we did and how things went down.”
The others echoed his sentiments, and for the second time that afternoon, I felt my world was spinning on its axis. All my anger, my hopes and fears and cautiousness and hesitant dreams were making room for the excitement and relief I felt at finally having this conversation.
“You’re an asset to the camp,” Nix said. “You fit in well, you help anyone who needs it, and you defended the people here even though you didn’t think you were staying. Not only that, but you’re bold and bright and kind, and it’s selfish of us to want to keep you to ourselves so that you can make our lives warmer with your presence, but I don’t care.”
I blinked rapidly, refusing to let any tears fall.
“Oh, sweetheart,” Grey whispered. He stood, all broad shoulders, muscles, and beautiful blonde hair, and crossed the room to me. He swiped his thumb under my right eye, where one tear had managed to escape, and pulled me into his arms. I sighed, relaxing my body and letting him take my weight. I felt so safe, so cared for. I never thought I’d get to experience this.
“When you mean stay…” I said into his shirt, my voice muffled, “you mean as all of yours?“ They’d been pretty clear, but I needed to be absolutely sure.
“If you’re asking if we mind sharing you, we don’t,” Merikh said matter-of-factly. “We’ve always been different. I speak for everyone when I say I can’t imagine wanting someone else. How could I be jealous when they care about you just as much as I do?”
The floodgates broke then. I hadn’t realized just how much stress and uncertainty I’d been carrying. I broke down, sobbing in Grey’s arms, grateful for his embrace.
“You’ve been so strong,” he whispered against the top of my hair. “You survived, persevered, and took everything life threw at you. Now you get to relax, no more fighting tooth and nail to just live. You’re safe here, you’re wanted.”
I cried even harder, hiding my face against his chest. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried so hard. Probably when my dad died. I’d had no time to mourn after all; I was on the run that very night, hiding and searching for shelter, trying to stay alive.
I felt my soul settle, as though I could finally let go of the rigid strength I’d clutched so desperately to keep going.
A body plastered itself against my back, warm and solid. “Please don’t cry,” Nix said urgently, brushing my hair back with a large hand. He sounded so stressed that it startled a laugh out of me, followed by a hiccup. Grey used his hands on my upper arms to spin me into Nix’s arms. I went easily, letting myself be maneuvered so that now I was clinging to his chest.
“You smell good.” I sniffled into his shirt, smiling when his deep laugh vibrated against my face.
He used his long sleeve to brush the tears from my cheeks, tsking softly at the new ones that fell at his gentle movements. I tilted my head back, chuckling wetly. “I’m sorry, this is so awkward. I hate crying.” My voice was watery and weak.
“Don’t apologize,” Grey murmured. “I’d be over there too if I wasn’t worried I’d be in the way.”
That just about broke my heart. Sweet Grey, thinking that he’d take up too much space or be unwanted somehow. I turned, holding my arms out in his direction. His smile was incandescent. He walked into my arms, one hand cradling the back of my head and the other against my lower back.
“I’ll stay.”
“Really?” Merikh asked. When I pulled away from Grey to look at him, I saw the image he was trying to project. He was sprawled in the armchair, watching me blankly. No emotion, no nothing. But then I looked to his fists, saw the way he was tucking his nails into his palms, at how the corner of his mouth kept turning down. Of course, he had reason to make sure I was being serious; I’d loathed him so fiercely not too long ago, and it had only just transformed into something more. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know that it hadn’t been hate for some time.
“Yeah,” I murmured. “I’m sure.”
His smile was shy.
“She’s sleeping with me,” Caelan yelled across the room.
I rolled my eyes, snuggling deeper into the couch and watching the show. I was full from dinner, cozy and warm.
“No, she’s in my room tonight,” Merikh seethed behind bared teeth. “I haven’t had as much time with her as you.”
Nix caught my eye and stifled a smile. His eyes were so green in the light of the fire, they looked otherworldly. “Maybe you should intervene, sunshine.”
I sat up and gave a long-suffering sigh. Anything not to give away that I was so happy I could burst. I was staying, no longer hiding any secrets, and they were fighting over spending time with me. How could I be upset over that? No, it would take a good few months of those arguments before I tired of them.
“Boys,” I drawled, putting my hands on my hips. They stopped arguing to look at me, and having their undivided attention was heady. Caelan licked his lower lip and I just about swooned. “How about you move the couches and chairs back, then bring your mattresses out here and put them on the floor? Then we can all sleep together. Whenever you get sick of it, you just move your mattress back for the night or take the couch.”
“That’s… not a bad idea,” Merikh said slowly.
I rolled my eyes. “Well, let’s not be too surprised.” I shrieked a laugh when Grey came up behind me and lifted me into his arms, tossing me over his shoulder.
“You know that’s not what he meant, sweetheart,” he scolded me with a chuckle. Everyone split up to go room by room, grabbing their mattresses and carrying them into the front room while Nix pushed all the furniture into the corners.
“Hold on,” I said when the last mattress had been placed on the wood floor. They had decided there wasn’t enough space for Grey’s mattress and just went with the other three, and they looked plenty big enough to fit all of us. They just about spanned across the entire room. “Won’t your dad think this is weird as hell when he gets back?”
Caelan and Nix looked at Merikh, who apparently had been elected to speak on the matter. “I don’t give a fuck,” he declared. “Besides, I don’t know where the hell he is. He was supposed to be back a week ago.”
“Good riddance,” Caelan muttered, whining when Nix elbowed him in the side. “What? He’s an asshole, I can only hope he’s been eaten by zombies.”
Grey snickered, and Merikh’s sigh was long.
We made the beds fairly quickly, looking down in satisfaction at all the soft, blankety goodness.
I beamed, kissing Nix’s cheek because he was closest to me. “I call the middle.”
My dad threw his head back and laughed, the crow’s feet that framed his hazel eyes crinkling with the motion.
I couldn’t help but smile in return. His laugh was infectious, and it had been weeks since I’d last heard it.
I kept on smiling, content to watch him as our surroundings grew darker and darker. Then my smile faded, turning into a confused frown. I ignored the sense of foreboding, instead trying to focus on my father’s face, to soak in his attention and his love for the last time before whatever terrible was coming happened. My trepidation grew, the inherent sense that something was wrong.
His grin melted, turning sinister as his face started chipping away, leaving bone in its place. I screamed, reaching out blindly for his arm when the scene changed.
I spun around, suddenly alone. I was standing in the middle of a city street, and it was dark and cold. I shivered, rubbing my bare arms to warm them up and trying hard not to think about my dad’s face doing whatever the hell it had just done. “It’s not real,” I chanted, trying to reassure myself. Where had my dad gone? Was he okay?
A scream caught my attention, and my heart dropped.
No. No no no nononono. I took off running, turning the corner to find a familiar picture.
My dad was hunched over the little boy he’d stumbled upon while we were scavenging. He’d looked so harmless, a little pale, yeah, but mostly scared and sleep-deprived. They were nestled at the end of the alley, surrounded by brick and trash on all sides. A dumpster sat to his left, and it must’ve been the source of the smell. Trash receptacles had been used until they overflowed, never to be emptied again, and most alleys were swimming in garbage because of it.
I pressed a trembling fist to my mouth to hold back my screams.
Someone that looked remarkably like me stood beside him, yanking on his arm. It was weird to watch myself from outside my body. I could almost believe that it wasn’t my story, that it hadn’t really happened. I’m taller than I thought, I mused numbly, feeling an odd sense of dissociation.
