In Between Men, page 26
“What happened with that guy you were seeing… Tony?”
At the mention of his name, Hope fought the urge to slink back to bed and pull the covers over her head. “Nothing.”
“Nothing?” Stephanie gave Hope a “come on, girl” look.
Hope put her head on the counter. Her words were muffled.
“Stephanie, I don’t want to talk about that. I don’t even know how to talk about it. It’s over with us… it has been for a while.” There was more silence after that; it was awkward trying to restart a friendship.
“What are you and Ray going to do?”
“I don’t know, Stephanie. I don’t care anymore. He left me… that’s that.” Hope lifted her head and looked at her friend. The short conversation had exhausted her and she was ready for Stephanie to leave so she could get back in bed. “I’m really tired, Stephanie. Thanks for coming–”
Stephanie cut her off in the middle of her sentence. “Drink this juice and I’ll make you a sandwich.”
Hope took the glass and drank deeply. “Thanks, but I’m not hungry. The juice was enough.”
Stephanie ignored her and took cold cuts and bread from a bag on the counter. In the middle of preparing the sandwich she looked back at Hope.
“Hope, you need to eat, and you need to do whatever you need to do to … to… get yourself together.” Now where have I heard that before? Hope wondered. “Ray is talking about taking the kids. He says he won’t bring them back until you’re ready to take care of them.”
“How am I supposed to take care of them? I can barely get up in the morning.”
Stephanie looked at her with very little sympathy. “I don’t know, Hope, that’s for you to figure out. Your kids shouldn’t have to worry about this. They shouldn’t have to witness their mother fall apart because she can’t live with the choices that she made.” Stephanie continued to talk and Hope heard the same old anger and judgment in her voice. She got up from the bar stool and walked back into her bedroom, leaving her former friend in the kitchen alone.
In her bedroom she let her robe drop to the floor and stood naked, looking at her soiled sheets. She had been meaning to change them for … days. She pulled the sheets from the bed and lay on the bare mattress before dragging the comforter from the floor and wrapping it around her body.
When she woke the first time it was dark outside and her house was quiet. When she woke again it was a new day… six o’clock in the morning. For a minute she listened for the familiar sounds of her children moving around the house, and then she remembered they were gone. She hadn’t heard from them since Ray had taken them away. And then she thought about what Stephanie had said … that he was threatening to keep them away. The sense of relief that flooded through her made her sit upright in the bed. Did she want her kids? The question frightened her; the fact that she was confused about the answer frightened her more.
It was Sunday morning, and she was all alone, no husband, no mother, no children, no friends. The last thing she remembered putting in her stomach was the orange juice Stephanie had poured for her, and she couldn’t remember if that was yesterday or the day before, but she wasn’t hungry. When she looked at her clock she was startled again to see that it was seventhirty. She hadn’t moved from the bed and she didn’t know what she had thought about for the last hour and a half. And she knew then that if she didn’t get up, she would spend the next hour and the next in bed. She thought about Stephanie’s words and knew that she was right… it was not a luxury she could afford.
She knew she had to get out of the bed and out of the house. She moved faster than she had moved in weeks. She pulled sweatpants and a sweatshirt from her drawer and slipped on her sneakers. She ran as if someone was chasing her to the kitchen and got her keys and her purse. Hope got into her truck and left her home, forgetting to wash her face, brush her teeth, or let the garage door down.
She drove around her neighborhood and then the outskirts of her neighborhood trying to focus on something. I don’t have the number to Ray’s apartment… or at least I don’t think I do. Even if I did have it, it’s too early to call. And what would I be calling for? What would I say?
Hope focused her attention on the cardboard box that had been sitting in the passenger seat for weeks. She had left it there when she had left the bank … or the bank had insisted that she leave. White flashed in the corner of her eye and she leaned over and plucked the small card from the box.
Guest Card
New View Christian Church
“What a friend you have in Jesus”
10092 Freemont
Sunday worship
10:00 A.M.
&
1 P.M.
After reading the card several times, Hope made a U-turn in the middle of the empty road. She drove in the direction of the church almost desperately, the refrain “What a friend you have in Jesus” playing over and over again in her mind. Although she could count on her hands the number of times they had attended church when she was a little girl, her mother would half hum/half sing the song often.
The parking lot was almost empty when Hope arrived. The church was an impressive structure, expansive, with many annexes. The grounds leading up to the main entrance were beautifully landscaped. She turned off her engine and sat alone in the parking lot.
After a while cars started entering the lot. Her eyes followed the people as they moved toward the church. Well-dressed people. Couples, singles, couples and singles with children. One family in particular caught her eye. A single woman, smiling and talking to the occupants of the backseat of her gray Ford. She had on a blue dress and her hair was hanging straight on her shoulders. It was the woman from the bank.
Hope watched as two children climbed out of the backseat. The woman inspected both children, like Hope would do with her boys an eternity ago. The woman straightened the boy’s collar and smiled approvingly at the girl. Hope watched her as she put her purse on her shoulder and hugged her children close. They walked into the church, a seemingly happy family. Hope thought of her own family, and tears from nowhere started coursing down her face.
Chapter Thirty-eight
Hope sat in the back of the church and listened to the choir sing as she waited for the minister to take his place behind the pulpit. She didn’t sing along although she knew the words. Her hands were folded across her lap; she didn’t want to move or speak. She didn’t want to draw attention to herself.
Someone thanked the choir for their “inspiring performance” and asked that “God lead Pastor Mike during his sermon today.” Then a casually dressed man stepped behind the pulpit and asked that everybody say amen. It was Tony’s friend. She hadn’t realized she was in his church. He led the church in a short prayer before telling them that the message today would be about harvest.
As he spoke, Hope continued to sit quietly in her seat, but she felt as if he was speaking directly to her. “My mother has been telling me since I was a little boy, ‘what goes around comes around.’ The Bible says, ‘you reap what you sow.’ Now, I’m sure that everyone in this room has heard that before, but periodically we have to be reminded of what it means. We like to use Mama’s expression and we can quote the Bible book, chapter, and verse. ‘She gon’ get hers, Rodney has a brain tumor, they don’t give him long to live … remember how he treated Debra? The Bible says you reap what you sow.’
“ ‘You reap what you sow’ is a natural law, but we are so busy trying to see how it manifests itself in the lives of others that we don’t pay attention to the seedlings we’re throwing in the air. Our actions are the seeds that we plant. I want you to take a minute and think about what you’ve been planting lately.”
And Hope did. She saw where she had planted seeds of judgment, and discontent, disloyalty, and unhappiness, and she had gotten it back twofold.
Before the sermon was over, Pastor Mike told them to think about what was missing in their lives and challenged them to start planting the seeds of whatever that was. If they needed love, he suggested that they be more loving. “If you wish for forgiveness… be more forgiving.” He said other things that struck a chord in Hope’s soul, and at the end of the service when he asked that anyone who needed to replant their garden and start again come to the altar for a special prayer, Hope stood up immediately and walked to the front of the church and fell to her knees.
“Dear Lord,” Pastor Mike started, “we come humbly before you and ask you for the strength that we need to rebuild our gardens … our lives, Lord. We know, Lord, that we have sown seeds that are not to your liking, and we ask for your forgiveness, Lord, and forgiveness from those who our actions have affected.”
Tears streamed down her face as she prayed sincerely with the minister. It was exactly what she needed in her life… forgiveness. She needed to forgive herself so she could make things right. She prayed for God to show her what was right; she asked for forgiveness many times over, and when the pastor was done, Hope stayed on her knees. When everyone else was back in their seats, Hope stayed on her knees. When the pastor left the pulpit to kneel beside her, she stayed on her knees.
“Please, God.” Her lips moved silently as she made the simple request over and over again. When the pastor placed a hand on her back, she started sobbing. Sobs shook her body and she would have fallen on her back if the pastor had not been beside her offering his support. Hope was barely aware when someone else knelt beside her and helped her to her feet. She was led sobbing from the sanctuary. She had not done a very good job of not drawing attention to herself.
When Hope stopped crying enough to take the tissue that was being offered to her, she looked up and took note of her surroundings. Women stood on either side of her. The lady from the bank was there and so was Ellen, Pastor Mike’s wife. They stood behind her, rubbing her shoulders, offering words of encouragement.
“Hope, right?” Ellen questioned softly from her left side.
“Yes.” Hope’s voice was quiet also. “You have a good memory.”
“Not really. We just happened to have met under very memorable circumstances.” Ellen laughed gently.
Hope was too exhausted to laugh and too exhausted to be embarrassed. “Yes, it seems as if I can’t stop making a fool of myself in your presence.”
“You didn’t make a fool of yourself. I’m glad you’re here.”
“I’m glad you’re here also. Believe it or not, you’ve really been on my mind.” It was the lady from the bank … Hope didn’t know her name.
“I appreciate that.” She tried to turn her lips up in semblance of a smile, but failed. “Well, I guess I’d better be going. Thanks again for your help.” Hope rose from the chair and found that her legs wouldn’t support her. She fell back into the chair awkwardly and covered her face with her hands.
“Clarise,” Ellen whispered above her head. “Let me talk to her alone for a minute.”
Hope heard the door close behind the woman from the bank… Clarise. She felt Ellen leave her side for a moment, and when she looked up, Ellen sat facing her.
“I take it that you don’t think things are going too well for you right now. Do you want to talk about it?”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“If I remember correctly, you were having some marital problems. Has that been resolved?”
“Pretty much. My husband left me.”
“And Tony? How are things going with Tony?”
“I don’t know … I don’t speak to Tony anymore. I haven’t spoken to him since the night of your party.” Hope’s voice held no emotion. “I really need to get going.”
Ellen held up her hand to stop Hope from moving. “Wait a minute, Hope. It seems to me that you need some help. Too often we try to manage things that are unmanageable or that we aren’t able to manage on our own. I’m a therapist, Hope. A Christian counselor. I oversee a women’s group here at the church, and I also have a private practice. I can look at you and tell that you’ve been crying for a long time.”
“I have, and I’m so tired of crying.” As she said the words, Hope felt more tears welling up inside.
“Then stop it.” She said the words as if it were as simple as that. She leaned forward in her chair and took Hope’s hands in hers. “I wouldn’t normally offer this, because I know Tony and I have a feeling that he is some of what’s bothering you, but I feel like you’re here today for a reason. And I can’t see you in such pain without offering my services. If you would like to come to my office next week and talk, I can make room for you on my calendar.”
See a therapist? It was something Hope had never considered. “I don’t know. I think I just need to go home.”
“All right.” Ellen patted her hand before releasing it. “But take my card and think about it.” She handed her a simple white card. Hope folded it in the palm of her hand without looking at it, and waited with her head slightly bent while Ellen led her out the side door of the church.
Later that evening, Hope picked up the phone and called Ray. “Hello, Ray, I was calling to speak to the boys.”
“Really, that surprises me.”
Hope took the bait. “Why does that surprise you, Ray?”
He ignored her question and she heard him calling for the boys to come to the phone. She spoke to each of her sons in turn, from the youngest to the oldest. They asked how she was doing, but they didn’t ask about coming home. Their conversations were strained, even with her youngest. It was as if she were trying to reestablish contact after being away from them for a long time. She realized that was exactly what she was trying to do. She said “I love you” to Karl before hanging up and he said, “I love you too, Mom.” Her words and his response both sounded empty to her.
Twenty minutes later she called Ray again.
“Hello.”
“Ray, it’s Hope.”
“What is it now?” He made no attempt to hide the irritation in his voice. “I need to talk to you.” “So start talking.”
“I was thinking that we could meet sometime tomorrow.”
“There’s nothing that we need to meet and talk about.”
“Ray, please. I know how you feel, but we can’t do this forever.”
“You don’t know a damn thing about how I feel. And I don’t plan on doing this forever. I’ve hired a lawyer and I suggest you do the same.” He hung up before she could say another word.
Hope sat in the middle of her bed and felt tears forming again. She remembered what Ellen had said earlier in the day and refused to let her tears fall. Stephanie had been right also, it was a luxury to wallow in self-pity and tears … a luxury she could no longer afford. She knew what she had to do. She was through crying.
The following morning Hope dressed as if she were going to work. She looked into the mirror before leaving her house and acknowledged that she looked better than she had in weeks; she also acknowledged that that wasn’t saying very much. Her slacks hung loosely on her hips, and even though she had applied her make-up with a heavy hand she had not been able to do much to disguise the bags and circles under her eyes.
When she drove into the parking lot of Ray’s office building, she sat in her truck for long minutes before turning off the engine. She had spent the previous night rehearsing what she was going to say to Ray. She had not told him she was coming to his office, but she was sure it was the only way she could get him to listen to her without causing too much of a scene.
When she reached his floor, a woman she didn’t recognize sat at the receptionist’s desk. It crossed her mind that when she and Ray were both working downtown they had very rarely had lunch together. “May I help you?” The polite smile on the woman’s face didn’t reach her eyes.
“Yes, I’m here to see Ray Williams.”
“Do you have an appointment?”
“No, could you please just tell him that Hope is here.” She couldn’t fix her lips to tell the woman that she was his wife. The woman spoke quietly into the telephone before looking up and giving Hope permission to go in.
“What are you doing here?” Ray looked up from the paperwork strewn across his desk. “I came to talk to you.”
“I thought I told you last night that we didn’t have anything to talk about.”
“I know you did, Ray, but that’s not true.” Though he didn’t invite her to, Hope sat in one of the chairs in front of his desk. “I’ve been thinking about what you said a few months ago. Remember, you said that I needed to get my shit together.” She laughed awkwardly as Ray continued to stare at her from across the desk. “Well, you were right in a lot of ways, but I wasn’t listening. I want the opportunity to try and do that now. Last night you said that you were getting a lawyer. I know I don’t have the right to ask, but I would like to put that off for a while.”
“I agree. You don’t have the right to ask. Now, if that’s all you came to say, I have work to do.”
“Ray, please!”
“Please what, Hope? Give you some more time so you can figure out some other ways to destroy my family?”
“No, Ray. Give me some time to figure out what went wrong. I talked to Tabitha last night. She still has her apartment here, and she said I could use it if I needed to. I was thinking that you could move back into the house with the boys and that I could use her place for a few weeks.”
“Are you saying that you don’t want your children now?”
“It’s not that I don’t want them, Ray. I can’t really care for them right now. It hasn’t been good for them seeing me like this. I can’t take care of the house. It would really be best if they were with you right now.”
“You know, Hope, the one thing that I could always count on is that you would do exactly what you wanted regardless of how it affected anyone else. So now, because it suits you, you want to shirk your responsibilities to your children.”
“That’s not fair, Ray… that’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to do what’s right, not just for me, but for you and the boys too.”
