In Between Men, page 19
They made out like teenagers, sweet kisses and surreptitious touches. They were like honeymooners; she couldn’t get enough of him and he couldn’t get enough of her.
After the movie Tony looked at her, smiling. “I’m glad you came. I know I keep telling you that, but every time we kiss, it’s truer.”
“Every time we kiss it’s truer?” Hope’s head went back with her laugh. “Even though that has to be the corniest thing you’ve ever said to me–no, wait.” She stopped in the middle of the parking lot as she pretended to consider. “No, the corniest thing you’ve ever said to me was that knock-knock joke about the horse.” She laughed again as she remembered the silly joke he told during their first lunch at the Mexican restaurant. “But I have to agree with you. I am thoroughly enjoying myself.”
He squeezed the hand that he had been holding since they left the theater. “Well, if you think that was corny, listen to this. When I first saw you at that party, I felt like we would be good together. You were standing near the wall trying hard not to look like a wallflower, and I saw that you were missing something. I just felt like I could give you what you were missing.”
“Wait a minute …” She took her hand from his and stopped again in the middle of the parking lot, placing one hand on her hip and leaving one free so she could point at him. She didn’t know whether to be flattered or insulted.
“First of all, I was not trying not to look like a wallflower, I was not a wallflower. I was having a good time. And you don’t sound corny, you sound like an old-school playa.” She lowered her voice in a deliberately horrible imitation of him. “I felt like I could give you what you were missing.” Arguing that she had not been “missing something” would be ridiculous, considering that at that very moment she was about to go home with her lover. “And you told me that when you first saw me you thought–I believe your exact words were, ‘Damn, I want to get to know her.’ ”
He laughed and grabbed her hand again, and then she decided that she was amused and not insulted. Ray never holds my hand. “I love a sister with an attitude, and baby, when you move your neck like that–mm-mm-mm.” They laughed together and he pulled her close and they walked slowly to his car. “I thought that too, that I wanted to get to know you. I thought some other things that I haven’t gotten around to telling you yet.”
He pushed her against his Mercedes when they made it to the car and kissed her along the side of her neck. She closed her eyes and tilted her neck, actually savoring the sensations he was creating. Ray has never kissed me like this in public, not even when we were in school. And making out at the movies…
Hope broke away from his kiss and took his face in her hands so she could kiss him. Their kisses were firm and tender. She didn’t know how long they stood there in the parking lot kissing, or how many people saw them going at it, but she knew when they came up for air that she was happy. At that moment standing in the parking lot with her lover… her love, she was happy.
Later that evening, just after they had made love, Tony took her hand in his and held it up to the stream of light that filtered in through the open curtain. “You know I love you, don’t you, Hope?” he asked casually, and turned her hand over so they could both see her sparkling wedding ring. “That I’m in love with you?”
She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to explore the feelings she had for him any more than she already had. The thought of hurting his feelings was unpleasant, but she already had one man in her life that she had to tread as if she were on eggshells whenever she said something to him–she was not about to have two.
“I thought we said we wouldn’t talk about love. I don’t want to talk about love, Tony, I don’t want to talk about my marriage. I don’t even want to talk about what it is that we’re doing. I just want to lie here and be quiet.” Saying exactly what she wanted to say made her feel powerful.
He brought the back of her hand to his mouth and kissed it. “We didn’t agree not to talk about love … you said that you didn’t want to talk about it. I don’t expect you to say anything about love, I just had to be sure that you know how I feel … that this is real for me.”
His feelings were not hurt. Hope closed her eyes and took a deep breath, savoring the moment as she had savored others during the last two days. How long had it been since she had been able to say what she wanted and get it without arguing or feeling guilty? Too long. He wasn’t asking her for anything, he was just expressing himself.
He took the hand he had been holding and slid it under the sheet, down his stomach, and rested it between his thighs. “I want to make love to you again.”
She squeezed the skin under her hand before she responded. “I guess that’s okay. But I’m on top this time.”
“You make the rules… we’ll do whatever you say.” I could get used to this, Hope thought as she rolled on top of him. I could really get used to this.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Hope left Houston early Sunday afternoon. Her intention was to get back to Dallas in enough time to spend a couple of hours with her boys before their bedtime. The memory of Tony’s good-bye kisses kept her warm for two hundred miles, but during the last one hundred miles of the trip she evaluated the hours that she had spent with him.
She considered in depth for the first time why she had allowed herself to become involved with Tony. In the past, men had made advances toward her and she had been totally unaffected. Tony was good looking, financially secure, funny, sexy… but then so was her husband. What made the difference, Hope concluded, was her state of mind. Since Tony had stepped into her life, everything that she had been missing for so long had been magnified.
The male attention and conversation… the approval, Hope admitted reluctantly to herself, that she craved had been suddenly put within reach. And she had reached out and grabbed it. There had never been a time in her life when she had been so completely selfish. Over the last day and a half, she had thought mostly about satisfying her own needs, although Tony had looked completely satisfied when she had left him. She had decided where they would eat, what movie they went to see, when, how, and where they made love. She had removed the word “compromise” from her vocabulary, at least for the last thirty-six hours, and she was basking in the aftermath.
As far as she and Ray were concerned, she vacillated between anger and numbness. She thought about how she felt several weeks ago after her first encounter with Tony–how afraid she had been, how determined she had been that it would never happen again–and her smile was ironic. Driving home she felt none of those negative emotions, no apprehension, no fear, no second thoughts about the wonderful, passionate weekend she had just experienced.
She did not know what would happen with her marriage or how the situation would play itself out with Tony, but she did know that every smile she shared with Tony brought them closer together, and that every night she spent with her husband–lying on her side, sometimes with tears sliding down her cheeks–drove them further apart.
The house was unusually quiet when she walked in. “Mommy’s home!” She put down her bag and prepared herself for the onslaught of her boys. No one came running. “Ray,” she shouted and went to look for him in the living room. The truck was in the garage; unless he had gone somewhere with one of his friends, he had to be somewhere in the house. She looked into the backyard before heading toward the bedroom. “Ray!” she called again. He was sitting in the chair his mother had sent to them two Christmases ago, reading the paper. He didn’t look up when she walked into the room.
“Did you hear me calling you?” In the house for four minutes, and already her good mood was fading. Irritation was heavy in her voice.
“If you mean did I hear you bellowing like you are in a county field, yeah, I did.” He looked up from his paper and looked her up and down.
Hope started to feel slightly uneasy. “Where are the boys? I thought you would have picked them up by now.” It was a little after five o’clock. “You know they have school tomorrow.”
“I did pick them up, and then I called Stephanie and asked if she could baby-sit. I dropped them off an hour ago.”
“Why would you do that?” Hope kicked off her shoes and left them on the floor. “You know Stephanie is busy with the baby.” Hope was trying hard to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She tried to focus on bitching, but it wasn’t working. Ray had something on his mind and would not be distracted.
“I told her we needed to talk.” He had the strangest look on his face. Hope wiped her hand across her forehead nervously. The bitching was really not working. She tried to look cool and disinterested. Then she switched to calm and concerned before she spoke.
“What is it?”
He watched her closely as she talked. “I went to the movies yesterday… “ He paused and looked at her even closer.
“And?” She almost shouted. She couldn’t pretend to be calm when all she wanted to do was wipe her now-sweaty palms on the comforter.
“I went to the movies and I ran into Ralph and Lisa. Lisa asked about you. When I told her that you were in Houston for… What was it again?” He waited for her to answer before going on. The little voice that said “a retreat” could not have been hers. As soon as he said “Ralph and Lisa” she knew what they needed to talk about. She had suspected when she saw his face. I can’t do shit and get away with it.
“A retreat? I thought it was a woman’s conference.” Ray laughed sardonically before going on. “But anyway, Lisa wondered if you’d get a chance to see our friend Anthony while you were there.”
If I ever see that bitch again… Hope sat on the bed to keep herself from falling.
“I told her that I don’t have a friend named Anthony. Then she said something about the two of you at their last party. Ralph dragged her away before she could finish. I started to call him and ask him about it, but I thought it best that I give my wife the benefit of the doubt and ask her directly.” He moved to stand directly in front of where she sat on the bed. “Who is Anthony, and what was Lisa talking about?” His words were tame, but Hope saw that Ray was making a great effort to control his breathing.
Calm down, Hope, he doesn’t know anything.
But he will if you just sit here looking like a deer caught in headlights.
“You’ve met Anthony before–remember, I was talking to him at Ralph and Lisa’s that time, and you came up. I think you asked me to dance and then he left. He’s Ralph’s friend, but he’s in baking … I mean banking. He’s been giving me some advice about this thing that I’m interested in. I tried to tell you, remember, but you said you didn’t want to hear anything about it.”
Way to stay fucking cool, Hope. Shit!
“Did you see him this weekend?” Ray was cool.
She opened her mouth to lie but couldn’t. Her lies so far had been mostly by omission. I should have known that Lisa’s nosy ass would find a way to say something to Ray. I did know. She had been lulled into a false sense of security because a couple of weeks had passed since the first incident with Tony, and for some reason she thought that if Ray was going to find out, he would find out immediately.
“I did see him.” Tears stung the back of her eyes. She had never been so frightened. She was trying to think of a plausible reason, but his next question took her by surprise.
“Did you fuck him too?” Ray was no longer cool. She looked up at her husband and tears fell on her cheeks. She couldn’t speak, but she didn’t need to.
“Oh my God, Hope!” A vein she had not noticed in all the time she had known him started pulsing in his forehead. His fists were balled and it seemed as if his entire body was trembling… or maybe it was hers. “I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with you. You’ve been walking around here bitching for months. And you walk in here still bitching even after you’ve been on a weekend fuckfest. I oughta kick your trifling ass.” She looked at his fists that he was clenching and unclenching and she backed up on the bed. She was frightened, but she had to defend herself. The best defense was a good offense. She started to speak and was glad that she sounded strong, almost righteous.
“And I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out a way to tell you that something is wrong with me… with us, and have you take it seriously. All you do is cut me off, shut me off, tell me off.” Her voice grew louder as the words started falling unchecked out of her mouth. “Do you realize that I have three damn jobs, Ray? I work at the bank, I take care of the kids, and I take care of your unappreciative ass. I work to keep this family together. I work to keep the kids happy. I suck your dick every time you crook your fucking finger. And you don’t have enough respect for me to ask me how I feel on my dead mother’s birthday.”
Ray looked at her as if she had two heads, stunned at the bitter words that were directed at him. Hope got up from the bed and stood up in front of him. She felt a surge of power when he took a step back.
“And I’m always the bitch. Yeah, I’ve been walking around here bitching. Why shouldn’t I? That’s all you ever do. Tell me what I do wrong, tell me to fix it, and then go about your damn business. You stopped giving to me a long time ago. And just like you’re a man and you need certain things"–she curled her lips as she spit out part of the speech that he had given her more times than she could count–” ‘Hope, I pay the bills around here, don’t you think I deserve some respect, some understanding, some space?’
“Well, I’m a woman, Ray, and I need things too–loving, understanding, appreciation, soft words, compliments, support, help with your damn kids–none of which I get from you!”
Ray shook his head, disgusted, but Hope didn’t care. She had never expressed herself to him as she had just done, and she felt almost cleansed.
Somewhere in the back of her mind she recognized that a part of her hated Ray. She didn’t know when or how it had happened, and standing in front of him with adrenaline and venom flowing through her veins, she didn’t care.
“I can’t believe you. You stand in a house that I bust my ass to pay for and tell me it’s my fault that you’re fucking some other man. I guess next you’re gonna tell me that I put his dick in your mouth?”
And before she could stop herself the words had left her mouth. “No, Ray, I put his dick in my mouth.” She almost didn’t feel his open palm on her cheek, but she knew it hurt because the force of it knocked her back on the bed. The tears that had been streaming down her face dried up instantly. She looked up at her husband. Hope waited to see what he would do next without really caring.
His eyes were filled with hatred and something else … tears. Hope hadn’t noticed them when she was talking. His voice was tired and sad when he spoke. “I believe that you have lost your mind.” He walked quietly out of the room.
Hope put her hand to her cheek and rubbed it. The last time she had been slapped she had been fourteen years old. Her mother had been ranting and raving at her about her closet being dirty and how she need to do more to help around their small apartment. When she had had enough of her mother’s ranting and raving, Hope had turned to her mother and had asked sarcastically, “When are you going to clean out your closet, Ma?” Her mother had responded to her impertinence by slapping her hard across the face, just as Ray had. Hope remembered her walking away without a word, just as Ray had. She hadn’t cried then because of the slap, and she wouldn’t cry now.
Hope pulled into Stephanie’s driveway and sat in her truck for a moment to collect herself before going in to pick up her boys. She wondered how much Ray had told her… what kind of reception was waiting for her. Ray had left the house without saying another word to her. She had sat on the bed for what seemed like an eternity before deciding that she needed to pick up her kids–after all, they still had school the next day.
Hope looked up and saw Stephanie walking out of her front door. She got out of the truck and walked toward her friend. “Hey, girl.” She put as much cheer as she could into her voice, which was to say not very much. “Thanks for watching the kids. Are they ready to go?”
“They’re in the back playing.” Stephanie looked at Hope and shook her head accusingly. Apparently Ray had told her more than a little. “Ray called and asked me did I know anything about you going to some retreat in Houston. Then he asked me if I knew anything about you having a … I believe he said ‘male friend’ in Houston. I don’t know what’s going on with you, because for the last several months you’ve been so secretive, but I’m telling you now–don’t make me a part of your lies.”
“I didn’t make you a part of my lies. I haven’t involved you in any way. And I don’t appreciate you looking at me and talking to me like you’re my mama.”
“I don’t appreciate being put on the spot like that.” Stephanie raised her voice some. When she placed one hand on her hip, Hope knew she was in for an argument that she was in no mood for.
“You’re right, Stephanie,” Hope said with exaggerated patience, “I’m sorry that you were put on the spot.”
“So why did you go to Houston?”
Hope looked past Stephanie’s shoulder as though something caught her eye.
“Oh my God! You did go to see that man, didn’t you? You’re sleeping with him, aren’t you?” Stephanie had a look of horror and disgust on her face. When Hope still didn’t say anything she continued, “You know, I can’t believe you.” She shook her head in slow judgment. “I suspected that something was going on, but in my heart I never would have believed that you would do something like this. I told you to leave that man alone. You’re gonna jeopardize your family and your marriage for some dick?”
It hurt Hope to her core to have her friend judge her so harshly. The tears that had dried up earlier started again.
“You don’t know, Stephanie, what I’ve been going through. I don’t know what I’ve been going through.”
