In Between Men, page 10
“They said, no, we don’t want you here, we want you out of here. And then I didn’t know what to do.” Hope’s voice held all the mixed emotions she had felt in the dream. “I went into the bathroom and my nose started to bleed profusely.
“I mean, my clothes were soaked. The blood was making puddles on the floor.” Hope’s voice slowed and her eyes watered slightly as she replayed the dream that had been so disturbing to her. “Standing in that bathroom, I knew … I was going to die. I opened the door and shouted out for someone to call 911. Then everybody rushed to the door to help me, but I noticed that two of the people who told me they wanted me out just stood in the background.
“I needed help, but I wouldn’t let anyone come into the bathroom. I waved them away and asked them to just call 911. They all turned away to go, and I was standing in the bathroom with my life’s blood pouring out of my nose. And then this lady stepped in and she said to me so calmly, you know, if you pinch the bridge of your nose the bleeding will stop. And when I did it, the bleeding stopped immediately. Before she left the bathroom, she looked at me, smiled, and said, find somewhere else to live.”
When she finished recounting her dream Ray stared at her blankly for a minute. “That was a weird dream.” She wasn’t sure, but she thought she saw amusement lurking somewhere in the back of his brown eyes. He flipped the TV back on.
Hope grabbed the remote and flipped it off again. “I’m not finished.”
Ray held up his hands in defeat. “Go ahead, Hope.”
Yep, she thought, he’s definitely patronizing me.
“Like I said, I’ve been thinking about the dream, trying to figure out what it means.”
“And what does it mean, Hope?” His face was screwed up, and she was sure he was regretting turning off the television in the first place.
“I’m not sure,” she chose her words carefully, “but I think it means that I’m not doing what I need to do to help myself.” She looked at him closely to see if she was making any sense to him. She wasn’t. “In the dream I didn’t speak up about how I was feeling and then when I did, I discovered that the answer to my problems was right under my nose.”
The amusement was no longer lurking. “Okay, Hope, first of all, what is your problem, and second, what’s the answer that’s right under your nose?” Ray sighed and looked at her in a way that she felt was condescending.
“I don’t know, Ray. These last few weeks we’ve been walking around this house like we don’t even know each other. We do what we have to do for the kids, we get together at night… and the rest of the time it’s like we go our own way. I don’t know what you’re feeling and when I try to talk to you about how I feel, you’re not interested.” Hope remembered one of the rules of effective communication–only use “feeling” statements. “Well, I feel like you’re not interested.”
“When have you tried to talk to me about how you feel?” His tone was slightly elevated. Now he’s defensive.I should probably just smile and drop this. But she couldn’t.
“Like work, for instance. When I try to tell you about how I feel about advancing my career, you get pissed. I tell you about needing more from you emotionally and you think I’m trying to irritate you. You decide when we make love, you decide what our roles are in this marriage …” Whoa, Hope, she cautioned herself, you are bringing up the wrong things at the wrong time. Just tell him you want to go to graduate school and you would like his support. But she couldn’t.
“I feel like all I do is serve this family. I don’t expect the boys to appreciate it, but it would be nice if you would say, once in a while, ‘good job, Hope,’ or ‘I’m glad you’re my wife.'” Hope put her face in her hands momentarily; she was surprised that tears had formed in the corners of her eyes. This is some bitter fucking honey.
“So basically what you’re saying is that your problem is me?”
“No, Ray, I’m saying that we have a problem, and that we have to stop ignoring it and do something about it.”
“I’m not ignoring shit, Hope. You create problems where there are none. I come home hoping we could spend some time together, like you’re always on my ass to do, and you bring up this bullshit!”
“It’s not bullshit, Ray.” Her voice was low, defeated. “I can’t believe that you’re not even trying to understand what I’m talking about.” She resisted the urge to cover her face again. Ray stood up.
“Well, let me say this, Hope.” He made no effort to keep it casual. “I understand that every few months you come to me with this same bullshit. Do I love you? Do you make me happy? Do I think you look good? And every time I tell you the same thing … Yes! Yes! Yes! Well, yes, yes, yes, and yes again!
“You can try and disguise it by talking about a dream, but I know you’re asking the same questions. Now ask me this: Do I work my fucking ass off to provide for this family? Yes. Do I want to be left alone when I ask to be left alone? Yes. Do I think your main priority should be caring for your family? Yes. Since you’re so fucking curious, ask some questions about what I want sometime.” And with that he left.
Hope sat on the bed for a minute. She could not believe their nice quiet evening had changed so quickly. The venom with which Ray said the words frightened her. The last few days she had allowed herself to be lulled into a false security… she had forgotten that there were eggshells littering every floor in their home.
She walked into the bathroom and turned on the water to let it heat up for a minute before she stepped in. She was going to take a shower, and it didn’t matter that she had taken a shower less than an hour ago. After standing under the sharp, hot spray for a few minutes, Hope slid onto the marble floor of the shower. Her mind was blank. She was so numb that she couldn’t begin to consider what Ray had said. She couldn’t even remember if he had said it before.
She plugged the drain with her towel and thought that if she didn’t have to work the next day, she would let the water run until it reached the top of the shower. When she dismissed the idea, all she could think of was that she needed a change, that she was going to make a change and it didn’t matter… it didn’t matter.
Chapter Thirteen
“I can’t think of anything else to do.” Hope examined the pattern on her office ceiling as she listened to Stephanie’s voice on the other end of the phone.
“Why did you bring it up like that? You know men don’t like to talk about anything when they’re trying to relax.”
“Well, the thing is, Stephanie, anytime Ray is at home he wants to relax. So there is never a good time to bring up anything. And I’m just tired.” The empty feeling had remained with Hope throughout the night and had followed her to work.
“Well, try bringing it up again tonight, but this time don’t criticize him. Relate what you want to do to him and the kids.”
“Did you hear me, Stephanie? I’m tired. Shit! I have to always figure out how to approach him. Do you think he’s sitting in his office right now trying to figure out how he could have handled our conversation differently?” And since it was a rhetorical question, Hope answered before Stephanie could. “No, he’s not!”
“I think it’s quite possible that he is. Call him and ask him.”
“I’m not calling him. I have been so nice to him these last few days, and it didn’t make a bit of difference.”
“Wasn’t he nice to you too? From what you said this past weekend, you had made up your mind to take a whole new approach to the situation. From what you told me, it sounds like you did the same thing that you always do.”
Hope took a deep breath. “And what do I always do, Stephanie?”
“You get mad if Ray doesn’t react exactly how you want him to react.”
“What? You know what, Stephanie–” Hope cut off her angry words when she remembered that her friend was at home with a new baby and shouldn’t be upset. She sighed. Nobody understands me. “Let’s just forget it. I’ll figure something out.”
She made her voice deliberately cheerful. “How is our baby girl?”
“Why are you changing the subject?”
“Because, Stephanie,” Hope shook her head in frustration, “I didn’t call you for a lecture. And I’m not in the mood for another argument. I don’t have the energy.” Stephanie was quiet for a moment and Hope knew she was considering whether to press the issue. Thankfully, she did not.
They spent the next ten minutes talking about the new addition. Hope put her hands over her eyes after they ended the conversation.
She had a headache, and she was beginning to wonder if Ray had not chosen the wrong woman that first day on campus. When she took a minute to think about it, she realized that her best friend and her husband were very similar in terms of their values and personalities. Stephanie had decided that it was best for her family if she stayed at home–Ray wanted a stay-at-home wife. They both wanted large families, they had the same dry sense of humor, and they both spent a lot of time telling her what she was doing wrong.
She realized that last statement was not fair to Stephanie. Her friend had been very supportive, but she could never just listen … she always had an opinion. And Hope didn’t want to hear any more opinions about how she should handle her business.
The clock on her desk told her it was almost time for the meeting she had scheduled with her staff. She was not in the right state of mind to hold a productive meeting. She couldn’t recall a time when she had felt so much apathy. Just when she was about to call Helen and have her cancel the meeting, her phone rang.
“Hope Williams,” she answered.
“Hey, Hope.” Her body tensed when she recognized Ray’s voice at the other end of the line. She took note of the slight cheerfulness in his tone. Obviously he doesn’t know that we’re not speaking to each other.
“Yes, Ray?” She kept her voice cool and dry.
“Are you going straight home after work?” Her body relaxed somewhat. Maybe he’s ready to talk. She mentally crossed her fingers.
“I think so. Why?”
“Because I have to work late and I need you to pick up my gray suit from the cleaners.”
This mother… Hope took a deep breath before she spoke to her husband. I refuse to let him fuck with me.
“Yeah, Ray, I’ll go to the cleaners. Is it just the suit?” “Yeah, thanks, babe.”
She hated it when he called her babe. Well, since you’re in such a good mood …
“Oh, Ray, before you hang up … I forgot to tell you that I’ll be at a seminar in Houston tomorrow.”
“For work?”
“Well, actually, it’s something that I’m doing on my own. I plan on networking and finding out what I should be looking into when I sign up for some classes this fall.”
“Sign up for classes? When did you decide this?”
She was pleased that his voice had lost its cheeriness. “I tried to tell you about it last night, Ray, but apparently you weren’t interested.”
“Hope … whatever.” She could almost see the expression on his face. She could almost see him throwing his hand up. “Yeah, Hope, just do whatever the hell you want.”
“I know, Ray, just as long as I pick up your suit. Right?” She hung up the phone and did not say goodbye.
Chapter Fourteen
Hope helped herself to the coffee that was laid out and found a seat toward the front of the hotel conference room. After all her big talk to Ray, she was not in the mood to network; in fact, she had almost decided not to come. Forcing herself to sit up straight, Hope fixed her face into what she hoped was an interested expression.
Around the room, others appeared to be doing the networking Hope had planned to do. People were standing in groups or pairs talking excitedly, sipping coffee, and passing out business cards.
I didn’t even think to bring a business card. She shrugged and smiled politely at the woman taking the seat next to her and then turned her attention back to the people who were quickly filling the room. The people were mostly well dressed, but Hope spotted at least one brother with a royal purple suit on. That was enough to make her lips turn up into a slight smile.
“Excuse me. Excuse me.” The woman sitting to the left of her was trying to get her attention. Hope considered ignoring her, but she wasn’t trying to be a bitch that morning.
When she had gotten home with Ray’s suit, she had turned up her bitch factor full throttle. If she was like a bitch in training before, then last night she had been like a bitch on the fast track to management.
Hard stares, cold shoulder, rolled eyes, sarcastic comments … she swore Ray had muttered Thank God under his breath when she had announced that she was going to bed. She had been surprised–disappointed, actually–at how quickly she had tossed aside her resolve to put some sweetness back into her marriage.
“Excuse me,” the woman said again.
Before Hope turned around she fixed a polite smile on her face. “Oh, I’m sorry… are you talking to me?”
“Yes, I am.” The woman sounded impatient. “Are you here by yourself?”
Oh Lord, I hope she doesn’t want us to buddy up. “Yes, I am,” Hope admitted reluctantly.
“Well, I hate to ask, but… the room is almost full, and my friend and I would like to sit together. Do you mind moving to one of the other empty seats?” In what Hope presumed was an attempt to be helpful, the woman pointed out a more suitable seat for her. Talk about a bitch. Hope answered the woman with a look and turned around without saying a word.
Now that was ugly, she told herself.
So? She told herself right back.
Go ahead and be a bitch, then.
Thank you, I will.
“Excuse me.” This time the voice was to her right and it was male. Hope looked up and recognized him immediately. The smile on her face was… strange.
“Hello.” She stood up too quickly and some of her coffee sloshed out of the cup and onto his square-toed shoe–brown leather. The small purse that had been resting in her lap fell to the floor. They bumped heads when they both reached down to pick it up, and the bitc–woman sitting next to her laughed under her breath.
“Hey, what did I do to deserve this?” He smiled teasingly at her just as he had done at Ralph and Lisa’s party. He rubbed the spot on his head that had made contact with hers. “Ouch!”
“I’m sorry.” There was laughter in Hope’s voice, as she stooped, alone this time, to pick up her purse. She stood up and shook his outstretched hand.
“Remember me? Anthony Bolden. I met you at Ralph and Lisa’s anniversary party a couple of months ago.”
“Yes, I do.” Her smile was bright. Let the networking commence. “Hope Williams,” she offered, sure he had forgotten her name. “It’s good to see a familiar face.”
“Let’s go and get you another cup of coffee.” Hope looked back at the sitting woman and smiled at her as though they had been having a friendly conversation.
“I guess your friend can go ahead and take my seat.” She pretended that she didn’t see the woman’s sarcastic smirk before she turned around.
“So, did you come to Houston just for the conference or are you here on other business?” He made small talk as they walked toward the table that held refreshments.
“Just for the conference. I took a flight out of Dallas this morning.” His suit was a summer wool, and Hope thought that he had done a great job coordinating the chocolate in the suit with the rust in his shirt and tie.
“What about you?”
“I live here. Not too far from the hotel, in fact. Sugar? Cream?” He was actually making her a fresh cup of coffee. She took her coffee black with artificial sweetener.
“Yes, thank you.” After he added just the right amount of sugar and just the right amount of cream, he looked at her with a friendly glint in his eye.
“If I give you this coffee, do you promise not to burn me again?”
Hope took the cup, laughing. “I guess you’ll just have to chance it.” She caught her bottom lip with her teeth and released it before sipping from the cup. He glanced at his watch, and Hope couldn’t help but notice that he wore the same expensive brand as Ray.
“Listen, if you haven’t made any plans for lunch, I’d like to take you to this place I know of around the corner. Then we can talk.”
About what? she wondered, but didn’t ask. “Sure.”
“We’re about to get started, so I need to take my seat.”
“Is there a seat near you?”
“Well, there is a seat next to mine, but it’s occupied.” He pointed to the makeshift stage set up in the front of the conference room. “I’m speaking today.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize.” She smiled, a little embarrassed.
He smiled back at her, not embarrassed at all. “As vice president of the Houston chapter of African Americans in Banking, it would be my pleasure to help you find another seat.” He placed his hand lightly on her back and urged her forward. “Come on.” Anthony found her another seat close to the front with very little effort. “I’m going to keep my eye on you. Don’t make me have to look for you during the break,” he warned.
Hope smiled. Is he flirting with me? “Thank you. Is everyone involved with the Houston AAIB so solicitous?” She drew her teeth across her bottom lip as she waited for his answer. Am I flirting with him?
“Solicitous?” He raised his eyebrow. His smile was warm. Too warm. “I like a woman with a vocabulary.” He nodded his head approvingly and walked away without answering her question.
He is flirting with me.
Hope paid close attention as Anthony Bolden again took center stage. He was serving as a sort of facilitator for the conference. He had made the welcoming remarks and so far had introduced each of the speakers. She couldn’t help but be impressed with his easy style and apparent comfort in front of an audience. And his good looks and his commanding voice and his humor and his … Okay, okay … Hope tried to hush the voice in her head and concentrate on what Anthony was saying. He’s attractive and well spoken, let’s leave it at that.
