Lakeside Cougars - The Complete Trilogy, page 79
He looked over and saw the other side of the bed was empty. That wasn’t good, even in his confusion he knew that. Reaching over, he found it cold.
Vetra. He was in Vetra’s bedroom. Right.
He looked around until he found his phone on the nightstand and checked it. Almost four in the morning. Where was she?
Getting to his feet, he thought back to how she’d seemed before sleep. The night had gone well enough. They’d made a meal of hamburgers together and eaten on her back deck in the cool twilight air. The conversation had been nice, mostly she’d told him about her life. He’d told her some about his own, though his paled in comparison to hers.
They’d made love in the shower again and then had gone to sleep.
She’d seemed fine, happy, content even.
Atticus slipped out of her bedroom and looked onto the back deck. Not there. Not in the bathroom, either. He drifted forward until he found her sitting on the couch.
“I’m sorry I woke you,” she said.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“I’m having...emotional difficulties. I didn’t want to wake you.”
She sounded strange. Definitely not good. Atticus walked over and sat down beside her. Her face was flat, tinged just the slightest bit with anxiety.
“I want to help,” he said.
“I’m not sure how you can,” she murmured.
Well, this was freaking him out. It was like she was shutting him out.
“Why didn’t you want to wake me?”
“Because I didn’t see a way that you could assist me.”
“What’s actually wrong, Vetra?” She didn’t respond for a long moment. He sighed softly. “Vetra, you asked me to help you with a difficult problem that you’ve never found a solution to. That means you aren’t going to find this solution on your own. Which means you need to explore other options, which you have, with me. I think you need to be willing to explore new paths, even if it isn’t immediately obvious to you that it will lead to a solution. I think you’re scared, and you’re panicking, and you aren’t acting rationally right now.”
It took a moment, but finally she stopped looking out the window and looked to him.
“I am scared,” she whispered.
“I understand, and I’m here to help you. But you have to let me in,” he replied, taking one of her hands. She squeezed his hand intensely.
She had a strong grip.
“I’m scared because I don’t see a way out of this. I’m running into the same emotional territory I have a dozen times before. Two dozen. It’s just...fog. It’s all just panic fog, and I can’t see any way through, so I just run away instead. And I want to run away, Atticus. I really want to. These things I think will be anchors: my home, the land, the time and money and effort I’ve sunk into designing this place and making it my own, none of it’s working.”
“Fighting yourself is the hardest thing you have to do,” he said.
“I don’t know how to fight myself on this.”
“I know, but you’ve always found solutions for problems in the past. It’s what you do.”
“Not for this. I haven’t yet for this. I’m fifty one years old and this is the problem I never solved.”
“Which scared you, which trained you to stop even trying to fix it. I mean genuinely trying. I think you did all this, you built this new life here, with the hope, hidden from even yourself, that it would not so much solve the problem as remove it.”
“...maybe,” she admitted reluctantly, beginning to look away.
“Vetra,” he said firmly, pulling her attention back to him. “We need to start with something basic. Answer this question: why are you afraid of staying? Why are you afraid?”
“I’m not sure,” she murmured.
“Vetra, one of your greatest strengths is your rationality, your logic, your big, genius brain. Use it. Dissect this. Rationally, why are you frightened of sticking to a life?”
That seemed to startle her, just a little, and some of the anxiety and fear seemed to clear from her eyes. She frowned, but it was a more analytical frown. She looked down to the space between them, her eyes drifting back and forth as her vast intellect went to work.
“I suppose I fear it because I fear...being normal. Or what I view as ‘normal’. Ordinary. Average.” She slowly looked back up. “And I fear being tied down, being unable to live the life I want to live.”
“You’re afraid of something that won’t allow you to do whatever you want whenever you want,” he said. It sounded like an accusation.
Vetra’s frown changed a little, her expression becoming defensive. “That isn’t...completely true.”
“Isn’t it? What was the goal of your life? What were you reaching for besides more knowledge?” She pursed her lips and didn’t answer, seeming unsure. “Freedom,” he said finally. “You wanted the freedom to live your life how you saw fit. Which is rational. Everyone wants that.”
“Why is that wrong?” she asked.
“It isn’t. But I think that because you’re so damned smart and so successful, it went from a goal to a success to a lifestyle to a habit to an addiction. I think there’s some part of you that thinks if you can’t up and leave and go wherever the hell you want in the world at any moment, it means you’re trapped, and you need to prove it to yourself by doing it anytime things start to really settle. I think there’s a part of you that has somehow latched onto the belief that if you choose not to do it, it means you can’t do it, even though that isn’t rationally true.”
“Why would I believe that?” she murmured, but she looked worried, like she was afraid he might be right.
“Because emotions aren’t rational. Why do you think there’s entire fields of study dedicated to emotional intelligence? You have to know by now that there is a disconnect between your emotions and your rational mind. Which means you must think that you’ve conquered this disconnect. Which is why you are blind to the solution.”
“What is the solution?” she asked with sudden urgency. “This thing, this problem, it’s the last thing that really scares me. It’s so...powerful. It’s overwhelming, this urgent need to just run. To pack my things, hop in my car, drive to an airport, and buy a ticket going somewhere new. I’ve done it before. Many times. I used to love it, but now I hate it. I hate the power it has over me. I hate that I can’t stop it.”
“You can stop it,” he said.
“How?”
He sighed. This felt way above his paygrade and he was going by feel alone at this point. But it seemed to be working, and it felt right. “I think you’ve missed the solution because it’s so obvious. Because it’s so simple. What have you done in the past when you’ve encountered a problem like this? An emotional difficulty?”
“It depended,” she replied, a little cautiously. “Sometimes I would remove the problem. Or, if I couldn’t do that and it bothered me enough, remove myself.”
“And if neither of those options were available?”
“I would endure.”
“And what happened to the emotional problem?”
“Sometimes it endured, sometimes it faded into the background...so you’re suggesting I simply endure? Take no other actions?”
“No, not entirely,” he replied. “But that’s most of it. I think you need to just...wait this out. I think you need to live your life. Involve yourself more. With the town, with me, with Colleen and the others. I think...well, it sounds really cliché and simplistic, but honestly, the only way out of fear is through it. Or, at least, in this case it is. But I also think you should find a therapist.”
He could tell by the way her expression changed she didn’t like that idea. But she didn’t look away, and she didn’t disagree with him.
“I’ve tried therapy a few times in the past. It...did not seem to yield any meaningful results.”
“I get that, but I think it’s worth trying again. And, this is just a shot in the dark but...maybe those other times, you weren’t being entirely truthful with your therapists.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Vetra, I respect you a lot, but you do have that ‘I know better’ aura about you.”
She looked like she was about to argue, but the argument collapsed before it could escape her throat. “It comes with the territory,” she admitted begrudgingly.
“I get that, and it’s gotta be rough because, in so many cases, you do know better. And, of course, you’d feel that you know yourself better than anyone else. Because you are yourself. But you also know that some problems you can’t solve because you’re too close to them, you can’t pull back and get perspective, so you need someone else to help.”
She was silent for a moment, then she let out a long, tired sigh. “I suppose I must concede that point. You’re right about that.”
“Thank you.”
“Anymore insights?”
“I think you partially knew the solution, but I also think you rejected it because you didn’t want to face the fear. You didn’t want to endure the struggle, because it was going to be potentially one of the bigger struggles of your lifetime, because you kept running away from it, so it grew and grew and kept growing, until a hill became Everest. Each time you were confronted with this, it was bigger than the last time. And I’m not judging you.”
“I know,” she said, offering a tired smile. “It’s hard to talk about this, but I know that, at least.”
She fell silent. Atticus waited, hoping he was doing a good job of hiding his own anxiety. Colleen’s words of how it wasn’t fair to him, living this life with her and with women twice his age, because it would lob nuclear problems in his lap when he was used to handling mere grenades, came back to him. He felt so outclassed, so utterly dwarfed by this, but he seemed to be handling it well enough.
Was that illusion or was he actually doing this?
“I think you’re right,” she said finally. “About all of it. I need to face this. I need to stay here. I need to engage more with my new life and my new friends. And...I need to try therapy again. For real this time.”
Atticus felt relief flood him and felt his whole body relax, like he’d just defused a bomb.
He supposed, in a way, he had.
“I’m so glad,” he said.
Vetra laughed a little. “You should see the look on your face...you were terrified through all that, weren’t you?”
“I mean...not terrified…”
She laughed again, then slowly frowned and put a hand on the side of his face. “I’m sorry, Atticus. I’m sorry I didn’t wake you and ask you for help. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.”
“I forgive you for the first part, I don’t need to forgive you for the second part. This isn’t your fault, Vetra. That you have to experience this, nor that I have to. You were very honest about this, and I accepted this responsibility with both eyes open. So don’t feel guilty about this. You asked for help, I offered it. Let it be that simple.”
“I will try,” she replied. He waited. It seemed time to get back to bed, she seemed much more relaxed, relieved even, but she lingered, staring at him. “Why are you doing this?” she asked finally. “Why are you putting aside time, time that you should be spending with the other four women in your life that you love with a fiery passion? Why are you putting that time aside for me?”
“Because...I like you. I respect you. I want you in my life. But I think, beneath all that, the bedrock of the answer is two things. Because this is who I am, and because I think you deserve to be happy, and if I can make that happen, I want to. And I guess, maybe, beneath that is...because it’s what I believe in. It sounds so trite, but I think the meaning to life is helping other people, however you can, in that it gives your life meaning.”
“I agree,” she said, regaining her smile. “And I find myself feeling incredibly lucky and grateful right now, to have you in my life. So willing to help me.” She stood up and he did as well. “I’m ready to go back to sleep now, although...I also think I’m ready to take another pain in the ass.”
“Are you now?” he asked.
She laughed. “Yes, I am.”
“Then I am ready to give you one. Although…”
“Yes?” She paused in leading him back to her bedroom, looking over her shoulder at him.
“I just have one question...why is the moonlight in your room blue?”
“Oh, that. I had my skylights treated with something that turned the light very faintly blue. I like the color. Now, come on.”
As she led him back to the bedroom, he laid a hand on her fit ass.
CHAPTER TWENTY SIX
They had decided to take Atticus’s car.
With the sun climbing into the sky, he and Vetra hit the highway in a great mood.
When he’d awoken again, she was once more missing from the bed, but he heard her showering and realized she’d left the door opened. Feeling energized and horny, he’d joined her in the shower and found her in much better mood and very receptive to more fun.
So he screwed her doggystyle through two screaming orgasms and then had come deep inside of her fantastically slick, mature pussy.
It was a good way to start the day.
They’d had a light breakfast and then had driven back to the lakehouse.
They’d already hit the first place on their roadtrip, a gas station a few miles down the highway. He’d used the opportunity to refill his tank and buy an energy drink.
“You are so goddamned beautiful,” he said as he glanced over at her again.
“Mmm, thank you. But you’d better keep your eyes on the road,” Vetra replied with that satisfied smile she tended to wear around him now.
“Probably a good idea,” he agreed.
When she spoke again, it was more serious. “I feel like I didn’t properly thank you for last night.”
“I feel you most certainly did.”
She laughed softly. “I suppose, but...thank you. For choosing to stick with me, and genuinely trying to help me, when it would be easier to just let me do what I would do. I know your life isn’t easy right now, and you’re trying to divide your time equally between now five of us, so thank you. Truly. This is an extremely meaningful act to me.”
“You’re welcome, Vetra. I’m just glad I’m actually capable of helping.”
“So am I. What you said to me last night actually seems to be sticking. It’s giving me some real hope for a situation I haven’t had any for a long time now. That being said, I did want to clarify that if you do need time, to yourself or for the others, please let me know. I’m not in crisis and if I am, I will let you know.”
“I appreciate that, because after this road trip of ours, there is something I’m going to have to take care of.”
“What’s that?”
“Kate. She’s been crazy busy ever since our date day and she keeps avoiding an issue we need to talk about, which is her accepting help. She wants to do everything herself.”
“Mmm, a woman after my own heart,” Vetra murmured. “I imagine after Colleen’s and Edith’s, too. Interesting. You seem to attract fiercely independent women.”
“Lucky for me, given that’s apparently my favorite type of woman.”
“I wonder why that is.”
“I couldn’t give you a solid answer. There are lots of features in a person to be attracted to for a logical reason, but logic never truly factors into what gets us horny. It just...happens. And it just so happens that I love tough, independent women.”
“Boy did you ever get lucky.”
“Beyond lucky. The fact that I’ve managed to snag four of them is unreal.”
“Have you snagged me?” Vetra murmured.
He glanced over at her. “Haven’t I?”
She laughed. “Yes, Atticus. You have. You have very much snagged me. Especially after last night. Something feels...different, between us, after that. In a good way. A very good way.”
“Knew it.”
“Mmm...don’t get too cocky, now.”
“Hard not to, what with all the insanely beautiful women bouncing on my dick and you letting me dominate you up the ass.”
“That’s a fair point.” A few moments passed as they drove along beneath a clear, clean summer sky. “I have an awkward question.”
“I’m listening.”
“Do you fear parenthood?”
He laughed. “Well obviously, yeah.”
“Interesting.”
“Do you?”
“I feared it enough that I cut the ability to reproduce out of myself as soon as was possible.”
“When was that?”
“When I was twenty.”
“Oh, wow. I’m impressed. That must have been difficult. How’d you manage it?”
“I was in Sweden. Even back in the nineties, they were more progressive-minded in their stances on women. I knew I didn’t want to reproduce, I didn’t want to be pregnant, I didn’t want to even risk it. My mother understood but my father was reluctant. That didn’t last long, thankfully. Well, I suppose that isn’t entirely accurate. I knew when I was fifteen after I spent some time among pregnant teenagers and those who had kids already, and knew immediately it wasn’t for me. So I had been telling him for five years, but it wasn’t realistic that I could get the procedure until I was eighteen, so…” She shrugged.
“I imagine it’s turned out for the best.”
“It has. I never changed my mind. Not that I could have, anyway. But I did toy with the idea of adoption several times. Ultimately, I decided I’d rather be alone. I don’t think I’d be a good parent. I care too much about myself, about my time. Especially now. I’m fairly set in my ways. Although, hopefully, not completely.”
“You can still change, Vetra. You never lose that ability,” he said.
She gave him a somewhat cynical smile. “Do you really believe that? Or are you trying to make me feel better? I appreciate it, regardless.”
“I believe it,” he replied. “And even if I have doubts, I certainly believe it for you.”
