Lakeside Cougars - The Complete Trilogy, page 56
“Yeah,” she said, and seemed to gather up her courage. Or try to.
She looked like she was ready to bolt if Colleen so much as blinked. He had never seen someone so obviously intimidated by another person that wasn’t actually brandishing a weapon.
“I...didn’t know you would be here. I wasn’t stalking you or anything. But you are here, and I wanted...to apologize. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for...just...all of it. All the shitty things I did and said, and especially the end.”
Atticus searched her eyes as she spoke, looking for truth, but he didn’t have to look hard. Jen had been a lot of things, but she hadn’t been a liar. Mostly because she sucked at it. So mostly she didn’t bother, which caused its own set of issues, but he felt it was the lesser of two evils.
And he had already thought about how he would react if she ever did say this to him.
“I forgive you,” he said.
For a moment, there was a look of anticipatory dread, like she was waiting for him to follow that up with something cruel, but it fell away, and her relief was immense.
“Thank you,” she said, then tried to speak again but stopped. She sniffed a few times, brushed at her eyes, then cleared her throat. “I did not realize how good I had it with you until a couple months ago. Like, fuck. I’m never going to stop regretting blowing up the relationship, and all the stupid, annoying shit I did. God, the amount of times–”
“Jen, it’s...probably best not to rehash and dwell. It’s sorted. I mean, between you and me. It...happened. And you asked for forgiveness because you regret it. And I gave you that forgiveness.”
“Yeah.” She looked anxiously at Colleen. “I guess that’s it. Um, sorry for making this weird.”
“I’m all right with this,” Colleen replied, a little guardedly.
“Wait. Is there...anything else? You probably aren’t going to see me again. I’m moving to another city with Colleen. So, if there was something you really wanted to tell me…”
“Right. Well...you were right. That I needed therapy. And probably medication. And I was very...stubborn about that. And I’m really sorry. I wish someone had told me that it wasn’t bullshit. If I had known it wasn’t bullshit, I’d have done it years ago. I really thought it was all elitist assholes looking to rip people off and pharmaceutical fuckery-just, whatever. My mom finally made me at least try therapy and get assessed and I definitely have bipolar, and some anxiety. And I’m on meds now and it’s like someone flipped a motherfucking switch. I just feel so much better. So much calmer. So...thank you, for trying. And you were right. And I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. I understand why you were the way you were. I don’t hate you, Jen. I don’t even dislike you. I mean we were together for a reason. But I don’t hold a grudge against you...why is this making you unhappier?” he asked.
She groaned. “It’s kinda salt in the wound of me realizing I really had it good with you. Because you’re so nice, and patient, and you fucking listen. And Jesus motherfucking Christ is that rare. I didn’t realize how bad a lot of guys were, honestly, until I really started thinking about it and the meds helped making everything...calmer. But I really appreciate it. And...there is one more thing.” She shifted awkwardly, looking deeply uncomfortable. “A question I wanted to ask.”
“I’m listening,” he replied.
“I want to ask you something and I want you to tell me the truth. The real truth. No matter how much you think it might hurt.”
“I’ll tell you the truth.”
“You have to promise,” she pressed, and he couldn’t help but smile, just a little. There was the tiniest flicker of what they once had still there between them, he could feel it in the way she said that, and how he responded to it.
“I promise.”
“Okay...did you really ever cheat on me? At all? Even kissing?” she asked, then winced, like she was bracing for impact. Well, that’s what she was doing.
“No, Jen, I never cheated on you. I never even seriously thought about it. You could have searched my phone, my laptop, every single last thing I own, and found nothing...did you cheat?”
“No,” she said firmly. “I didn’t. I hate cheating so much. I hate it. I never would, I never will, and I didn’t.”
“I believe you. Do you believe me?”
“Yes.”
“Okay then. Sounds like we have an understanding.”
“...thank you,” she whispered. “I guess this is goodbye?”
“Yes,” he replied, nodding.
“It should be,” she murmured. “So...thanks for everything. And I hope everything works out for you. Both of you, I mean. Together. You seem really happy.”
“We are,” he replied, flicking a glance at Colleen. She was watching all this with the tiniest of smiles now. “And thanks for the good stuff, and I hope things work out for you, too.”
“Thanks, Atticus. Well...goodbye.”
“Goodbye, Jen.”
He and Colleen began walking away.
CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT
“So...how do you feel about all that?” Atticus asked as they drove down the now very dark gravel road.
“I’m fine with it. Impressed, really. Very impressed. I want to know how you feel about all that,” Colleen replied.
“...good,” he said.
“Really?”
“Yes. It was closure. I always wanted closure but I also didn’t want to open that can of worms back up. Seeing her, seeing that she’s finally getting help...it’s really good. I meant everything I said to her.”
“I know. You’re a very authentic person. Plus, it’s kind of easy to tell when you’re lying.” He sighed. “Hey, good for me, huh? And the others.”
“I guess I’ll just have to never lie.”
“I guess so.”
He chuckled. “I’m not upset, honestly.”
“I heard an ‘although’ buried somewhere very deep in there,” Colleen murmured.
“How in the fuck–” He shook his head. “Fine, yes. Seeing her...dredged up a lot of, um, memories. Specific memories. Good, specific memories.”
“So sex then.”
“Yes.”
“But it’s more than that.”
“Yes.”
“Why are you hesitating?”
“This is weird to talk about. You’re my girlfriend. My new girlfriend. And there’s an extra layer of uncertainty because you’re so...different than everyone else I’ve been with or really known, to be honest. But this is a relationship of communication, so I will communicate. I miss the BDSM stuff. The angry sex. The...roughness.”
“We could explore more with that. I think Edith wants to as well. I know Susan does,” Colleen said.
“I would very much like that.”
“You want to try tonight?”
He considered it. “No. I want to try it in your bed...our bed.”
Colleen smiled warmly. “Mmm, yes...our bed.”
They settled into a comfortable silence after that and he drove on.
…
They got back to the hotel soon enough.
And while he didn’t want to try rough sex in the hotel room, he still very much wanted to have sex. And so they got back, fucked furiously in bed, and then had a long, hot shower. It was already fairly late, so they went to sleep.
But sleep would not find Atticus.
He laid beside Colleen, who had fallen asleep almost as soon as they’d gotten into bed for the night. He stared at the ceiling, listening to her breathe softly, to the soft sounds of the air conditioner. They’d had to drive about fifteen minutes down the highway to get to this hotel, but it was worth it. Especially considering she’d gotten them one of the nice rooms on the top floor.
That thought sparked something and abruptly Atticus got out of bed. He pulled on his boxers and walked across the room, to the balcony door. Opening it up, he found the air to be a bit cooler now, and the faint moonlight showed him storm clouds overhead.
He walked to the edge of the balcony and looked out over the city below them. And the forest beyond that. The highway.
West. To Lakeside.
His new life.
He breathed deep and slowly exhaled the chill night air. He thought he smelled rain but he wasn’t sure. For a time, he simply stood there and looked. He didn’t think so much as feel.
That this was really it.
Not just that going with Colleen was going to happen, or that it was the logical choice, but that it was the right choice.
It felt strange that he would wrestle with such an obvious choice, but looking back over the past few weeks...well, big choices were scary, and there were legitimate concerns in there. Not to mention, he was still somewhat fried from the Cold Reset stretch.
He frowned just a little. His game. He’d been neglecting that for too long. He thought his fans would understand, he’d been up front about his vacation and just how badly he was burned out. He regained his slight smile.
His fans. It still felt really weird that he had any, let alone people who tried to reach out to him through email or social media.
Atticus heard the door shift behind him and turned around, found Colleen blinking sleepily, wearing his t-shirt.
“Atticus? Are you all right?” she asked, rubbing one eye.
He chuckled as he looked at her. “Yeah, I’m great, actually. I just couldn’t sleep, is all.”
She stared at him blearily for a moment longer, then walked out and hugged him. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m completely sure. I feel fucking awesome. I think...I think all of me has finished aligning on knowing that this was the right decision. And I’m also beginning to really realize just how fucking awesome my life is going to be from now on, because you’re in it.”
She pulled back and grinned. “Thank you, and I feel the same way. Plus, Edith. And Kate. Susan. Vetra...you’re going to die out there.”
“Is there a better way to go? I genuinely can’t think of one.”
“I suppose so...why do you keep looking down, do I have something...oh, this is your t-shirt,” she murmured. “It was dark.”
“I really like it on you.”
She looked down once more, then looked back up with a tired but self-satisfied smirk. “Oh yeah? Is it that thing boys like? Girls wearing their clothes?”
“Yeah,” he replied. “I guess it is that thing. And it really works for me.”
“Mmm, I’ll have to put on your shirts more often.” She yawned. “Oh, I’m still so tired.”
“Well, you were only asleep for like twenty minutes.”
“Oh. I thought it was longer for some reason. Well, back to bed, young man,” she said, then paused. “I mean, unless you want to stay out here. Ignore me.”
He laughed. “I can’t. And I think I’m ready for sleep.”
“Good. I am already very used to your presence,” she murmured, taking his hand and bringing him back inside.
He turned back and closed the door, then paused just before turning away, his hand still on the knob.
Distant thunder rumbled.
It felt like a promise, and an affirmation of his thoughts.
He smiled a bit wider and followed his lover back to bed.
…
The trip back to Lakeside breezed by.
He was hardly aware of their three hours on the highway as he talked with Colleen. Told her stories from his life, listened to her own. Listened to her laugh, listened to her sigh, listen to her snort cynically and knew that she was accompanying the sound with an eyeroll.
So this is what love felt like.
Really felt like.
Because it was clear that he had never been in love before he met Colleen.
Well…
Maybe he’d been in love with Kate for a while there. Probably. But that wasn’t the same, and it had withered and died on the vine because, well, they’d never gotten together. It was nice to see that some of it was still there, though.
But Colleen.
He knew they were in the honeymoon phase, but he honestly felt like they were extremely compatible and as the wild emotions and happy chemicals faded away, they would be very, very happy together six months from now, two years, a decade.
And he could already see similar stirrings of emotions for Edith and Susan.
They pulled back into Colleen’s small driveway and parked beside her own car. Atticus killed the engine, then leaned forward a little and looked at the lakehouse.
Their lakehouse.
“There’s things I need to do,” he murmured. “For moving, I mean. I can’t remember what right now…”
“Change of address forms,” Colleen replied. “And get your license updated. But honestly, those can wait.”
“Hmm. Do you have to update your address with the post office? I mean like legally?”
“I don’t think so, but I’m not sure. I can see the appeal of not doing it, honestly. If you want to be left alone.”
“I kind of do. At least by everyone who isn’t someone I’m dating or a fan. And if those are the only two things, well...they can wait for a bit. For now I want to do the actual important shit.”
“Like fucking in every room in the house?” Colleen asked.
He laughed. “Well, yes, but I meant getting settled in.”
“Yes! I have been looking at desks online because...I like that, for some reason. I’ve found some really nice ones you might like to look at. Or, if you want to handle this completely on your own, that’s fine, too.”
“I’d like your input, yeah,” he said, getting out of the car with her. “You’ve been doing the ‘being a creative who spends a worrying amount of time at their desk’ thing for about as long as I’ve been alive.”
“That is true.”
They gathered their things and headed inside. Atticus walked to the middle of the living room and slowly looked around. He had actually done this. He was really going to live here. It still didn’t feel quite real.
He followed Colleen into the master bedroom and set his suitcases on the bed.
“I’m really glad you bought such a ridiculously large bed,” he said as he unzipped his suitcase.
“So am I. And now you get to sleep between two naked cougars pretty much every night.”
“Yes, I do. And if that isn’t winning at life, I’m not sure what is. Plus, I imagine sometimes it’ll be three cougars, or two cougars and a super hot chick my own age.”
“Yeah, speaking of Kate, you should get her over here soon.”
“You want to see me fuck her in the ass that bad?”
She laughed. “Honestly, yeah. And…”
“What?”
“If I’m being completely honest and admitting to a...not fantastic urge, I do want to see how do you do with anal before you do it to me.”
“Ah. I mean, that’s fair.”
“I trust you, it’s just...delicate.”
“I believe it.”
“Good. Now.” She looked around the room. “I guess we should get started, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you think there’s going to be enough room for three of us in here?” he asked, walking over to her dresser and pulling open the drawer she’d given him.
“We’ll have to get another dresser for Edith, and I’ll have to go through all my things and reduce them down a bit. I had meant to when I moved in here but by the time I was actually moved in, I was just too tired to deal with it and figured I’d do it later. Only later never came.”
“You know, it just occurred to me: should we let everyone know we’re back in town?” he asked.
“Mmm...not yet. I know you’ve committed to a relationship with Edith and Susan, but...there are times where I want you to be mine. Like right now. This is a very...you and me experience. Or, at least, I want it to be.”
“Fine by me,” he replied, going and grabbing his stack of boxers in one hand and all his socks in the other.
“Do you only wear black socks? Really?” she asked.
“Yep. And black boxers.”
“Why? That has to be difficult, at least the boxers. Or maybe I’m wrong, but all the boxers being sold I’ve ever seen came in variety packs.”
“It was a little difficult, but I finally found a brand that does all one color and just buy that now. As for why...I guess I just like the way it looks? Or maybe that it takes any kind of guesswork out of getting dressed? Or, well, not all of it, but some.”
“I suppose so. I used to take a lot more pleasure in carefully selecting my outfits. You can see photos of me online in my best stuff, as I always put in my A game for conventions and signings and just generally any public appearances. Although I’m not sure how interesting it’ll be to you.”
“I’d like to see them,” he replied. “Also, do you still get asked for public appearances?”
“Oh yes. Not nearly as much anymore, but I’d say I get at least a dozen messages a month begging me. Although probably half of those are people who have been trying to get me for years now and I’ve firmly told them no.”
“Okay,” he said, finishing putting his socks and boxers away and sliding the drawer shut, “now I’m curious.”
She laughed. “It’s nothing interesting, really. Two of them are reporters who are infamous for their character assassination interviews, so they’re just a flat no. A few of them are...let’s just say that they publicly support some things that I’d rather not tie myself to, in any capacity. The last one, though, I dunno. A guy with a bookstore in California. A rich guy, he was offering a lot, and keeps asking me to come do a book signing at least once a year with a higher offer.”
“What was the last offer?” he asked.
“Ninety grand.”
“Jesus. So what’s the problem?”
Atticus moved back and forth out of the closet, bringing the shirts and pants he’d brought along with him to hang up.
“We spoke on the phone, and I...got the creeps around him. There was just something...really unnerving about him. Like...you know those stories of, just before a tornado hits, people can feel the difference in the air pressure. And I don’t mean just before it forms, it’s already formed, I mean before it drifts lazily into your area. People describe it as just...danger. Like this awful, silently screaming, agonizing, crushing terror. It was kind of like that. Like a little drop of that.”
