Lakeside Cougars - The Complete Trilogy, page 42
“I believe you, and I also really appreciate that. Okay. I think you think that you’re broken, because of your marriage and what happened with your ex-husband and children. I’m worried you might think you’re unlovable.”
He waited. That was a bombshell he’d just tossed out there. Time to see if it blew up in his face or not. Edith stared at him, the joint smoking away between two fingers. She looked upset, though only mildly. And then, suddenly, her expression broke and she began to cry. She looked around almost frantically, spied a little glass table and set the joint on it, then threw herself against him.
He was ready for it. He wrapped his arms around her and held her as she squeezed him. She tried to speak but quickly lost herself to crying again.
“Shh, talk later,” he said softly, his face against her own, given they were almost the same height. “It’s going to be okay, Edith. I’m sorry it all happened to you. You didn’t deserve that...and they didn’t deserve you.”
She pulled back, giving him a startled look, and then abruptly began crying harder. She squeezed him hard enough that it hurt, but he let her, ignoring it and running his fingers slow through her long blonde hair.
He wasn’t sure how long they stood there on Colleen’s back deck, drenched in moonlight. It didn’t help that he was still somewhat high and his perception of time was dilating. But it didn’t matter. Time didn’t matter then. He would have stood there holding her past sunrise if that’s what she needed. The thought startled him, just a little, but it didn’t bother him.
It didn’t bother him at all.
“I’m sorry,” Edith said eventually, after her sobbing had calmed down into crying, and then that had further calmed to sniffling.
“You don’t have to be sorry and I forgive you,” he replied softly.
She laughed quietly. “You’re way, way too nice. Why are you putting up with this?”
“Because I like you, and I respect you, and because I have empathy.”
She snorted. “Maybe that’s what’s been missing from my life: a partner with some fucking empathy. Because my ex-husband did not have any, at least not during the last half of our marriage.” She sighed and stepped back, disengaging from him. “I gotta blow my nose...fuck, I hope I didn’t wake up Colleen.”
“She seemed pretty deeply asleep,” he replied.
They went back inside and he almost forgot her joint. While she went and blew her nose and washed her face, he grabbed it and then locked the back door and went to sit on the couch. A moment later, she rejoined him.
“You’re right,” she said, “but I don’t just think I’m broken, I know I am.”
“Why do you have to be broken?” he asked. “What’s broken about you?”
“I worry over fucking everything. I can’t just fucking calm down. And my fucking life is a mess.”
“Edith...your life is not a mess.”
“It is!” She winced and looked back at the closed bedroom door, then sighed. “It fucking is. I never feel in control of anything. I’m always rushing between projects, barely getting there on time, worrying over everything. I don’t know how to just calm the fuck down–”
“Okay, Edith! Edith.” He reached out and plucked the joint from where he’d set it in the ashtray and gave it to her. “First of all, finish this off.”
“Fine,” she muttered, taking it and puffing away on it. “I’m being such a bitch. This was supposed to be a fun day. Weed and sex and relaxation, and I’m flipping out yet again.”
“You aren’t being a bitch. Edith, right now, you need to derail this train of thought. Just...stop talking and thinking for like sixty seconds. Like focus on calming down. Close your eyes, count to ten in your head, something. Just sit there and finish off the joint and try to calm down.”
“...all right,” she murmured, then closed her eyes and kept smoking.
He waited. It took her about two minutes to kill off the joint, but when she opened her eyes again and put the remains into the ashtray, she did look calmer.
“Thank you...and how did you do that?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Does that not usually work?”
“People have been trying to calm me down all my life. It almost never works. Colleen was really the only one who could do it, and my...daughter. Before everything went wrong.” She sighed and hugged herself suddenly. She looked as vulnerable as he’d ever seen her.
“Edith...do you know what I see, when I look at you?”
“What?” she whispered.
“I see: a woman who owns her own house, a woman who manages a very busy and productive lifestyle, a very kind woman who donates her time to people and pets who really need it, a woman who is busting ass to get her own cafe off the ground. And also a really, really attractive woman.”
She laughed softly and shook her head. “I mean some of that is true but it’s mostly an illusion.”
“I think that it feels like an illusion to you. I think most people in this town believe you have your shit together.”
“...maybe.” She shook her head and sniffed. “What did you mean, when you said they didn’t deserve me? Is that what you meant to say?”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I meant to say,” he replied firmly. “They didn’t deserve you. None of them. Not your parents, not your ex-husband, and not your children. You gave them everything and they just took advantage of you. They took and took and then took some more, and then even more after that. And then they abandoned you when you stood up for yourself.”
She scoffed, looking immensely uncomfortable. “I was not a perfect daughter or wife or mother.”
“Edith, no one is. There is no such thing as perfect. You don’t need to be perfect to deserve basic human dignity. I believe that you gave your family your all. I believe you gave them everything. And I don’t want to talk shit on your family, I know people get weird about it and that the emotions are complicated, but they didn’t deserve you. I mean that. You’re a really great person and they just used you.”
“I...do not know how to even respond to this,” she muttered.
“I understand. This is all really complex, heavy stuff, and you obviously need therapy.” She looked at him a little sharply. “That wasn’t an insult.”
She sighed. “I know. I know. It just has been an insult for a lot of my life. And I hate the idea of talking to some stranger about all my deepest, darkest shit.”
“I get that, but Edith...you have to sort this out. This isn’t healthy, and you can be so much happier, so much calmer. This is clearly affecting your quality of life on a day-to-day basis and you can’t just keep ignoring it like you have been.”
“What would it change?” she asked. “What difference would talking about any of this shit make? Nothing would change. Talking never changes anything.”
“First of all, talking makes you feel better. Has anything changed since we started talking?” She frowned, then slowly shook her head. “Do you feel better?”
“...yeah.”
“That’s partially because of the crying, but also because of the talking. We are a communicative species, Edith. We literally evolved to talk to each other, listen to each other, help each other. Civilization only exists because enough of us agree that it should. Our brains release happy chemicals when we confide in another person and feel like they’re listening to us. But more than that, therapy is more than just talk. They’ll give you new ideas, new ways of coping with your problems. Healthier ways. And you have got to get on medication.”
“Thank you, Atticus,” she muttered. He began to respond but she raised her hand. “I know. It wasn’t meant as an insult. It’s just...very hard to hear that.”
“You don’t think you need to be medicated?” he asked.
“No,” she snapped, but it was a reflexive response, he could tell that. He waited, staring at her. She sighed. “...maybe. I don’t know. I hate thinking about this.”
Atticus made himself relax a bit. “I’m sorry. I’m coming on kind of strong. I just want you to feel better, I want you be healthier, to feel healthier. You’ve done an amazing job of taking care of your body, but not your mind. You have a lot of anxiety, right?”
“Dear fucking Christ yes.”
“There is a very good chance that there is a pill out there that, if you take it once a day, your anxiety will severely reduce.”
Her face twisted up a little, like she’d bitten into something sour. She seemed to struggle to decide on what to respond with. What came out was: “Why do you care so much?”
“What?”
“Why do you care if I have anxiety or go to therapy?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“I’m not saying you’re an emotionless bastard. It’s just...this feels like a lot of emotional investment given how long we’ve known each other.”
“I mean, I care about you, Edith. I like you. And, you know, if I’m gonna move here and start dating you for real, then yeah, I have a massive investment in–”
“Wait. So, you are? You’ve decided?” she asked, suddenly excited.
He chuckled. “Yes. I decided. While we were having sex. I’m moving out here.”
She laughed and leaned in and kissed him. “Oh wow, that makes me so happy...we should have sex.”
“Right here?” he asked.
“Well yeah, I don’t want to wake up Colleen,” she murmured, opening up her robe and revealing her lean, fit, nude body. “I want you to myself sometimes, you know.”
“Oh, well...that’s fine by me.”
She laughed and shrugged out of her robe, then climbed into his lap.
She kissed him and pushed her tongue into his mouth while one of her hands went between them, feeling for his erection.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The next time Atticus woke up, morning sunshine was streaming into the room.
He was alone.
That caused a little bit of a panic and he sat up and looked around, confirming that he was, indeed, by himself in the bed. And the bedroom. He reached around. Edith’s side was cold, Colleen’s side was still just a little warm.
He got up, stretched and popped a few things, then headed into the bathroom.
After he was done in there, he pulled his boxers back on and headed out into the living room. There he found Colleen, sitting on the couch.
He froze as he spied her.
Even from behind, he could tell something was wrong. Slowly, he walked forward to join her, and as he came around to the front of the couch, he saw that she indeed looked very grave.
“...what happened?” he asked.
She looked...defeated, almost.
“We need to talk,” she replied heavily.
“Crap.” He sat down beside her. “What happened?”
“Edith had to leave about an hour ago. Got an emergency call for some blood drawing. She told me that you’ve decided to stay here with us. Is that true?”
“That’s true,” he replied.
“You’re sure that it isn’t a decision being made based on weed and sex?” she pressed.
He thought about, figuring he should at least try entertaining the notion, and finally shook his head. “I’m sure it isn’t just that. Now what’s going on?”
She sighed softly. “This is about that decision.”
“Are you changing your mind?”
“No, not...exactly.”
“Come on, Colleen, I just woke up. You’re killing me with this.”
“Sorry.” She set aside the mug of he assumed coffee that was barely drank and sat up straighter. “I haven’t changed my mind, exactly, but...I’m concerned that I’m being incredibly selfish by trying to get you to move in with me and date me.”
“...why? How does that make sense?” he replied, now feeling truly lost.
Terror was raging inside of him. Was he actually going to lose this opportunity? This new life?
She heaved a long, tired sigh. “Atticus...I’m twenty two years older than you. The amount of life I’ve experienced, the things I’ve learned and had to deal with, it’s so much more than you can possibly understand at your age. You think you do, but you truly don’t. And I’m not insulting you or calling you stupid, no twenty five year old knows.”
“...okay. I’m still not seeing the problem.”
“We tend to date people of around the same age as ourselves because, ideally, you will have a life together. You’ll share experiences together. Deal with hurdles and cross milestones together. You and I can’t do that, Atticus. And, more than that, the problems that Edith and I are facing...they’re not something a twenty-something should be asked to deal with.”
“Are you saying you’re calling this off?” he asked slowly.
“No, that isn’t what I’m saying,” Colleen replied, and he felt himself relax. “What I’m saying is...we need to be really, really sure.”
Atticus frowned deeply, staring at her, considering his response. This was crucial. And he couldn’t just pass what she was saying out of hand, what if she had a point? Only...as he thought about it, he almost immediately began refuting the points.
So he started doing that out loud.
“Colleen, I’m not blowing you off, but I would like an opportunity to respond and explain why I think you’re wrong,” he said.
“I’m listening,” she replied.
“The two biggest things about this issue you’re having are: theoreticals and choice. What I’m hearing is that you’re afraid that you’re going to rob me of the rest of my twenties and perhaps even my whole life by being together with me. Would you say that’s correct?”
“More or less.” She leaned in, clearly invested, like she was hoping she was wrong.
“Why? What are you taking from me?”
“Experiences. It’s hard to quantify, to articulate.”
“I get that, but what experiences? What should I be doing with a chick my own age that I couldn’t do with you? Also, I can do things with a chick my own age, because you clearly have no problem letting me sleep with and date Kate.”
“What about children?” she asked softly.
He shrugged. “I mean, I’m not exactly in a rush to have them. I know you literally can’t, I think Edith can’t anymore.”
“She’s got a birth control implant, but yeah, probably won’t need it before too long.”
“But what if Kate and I get serious like you and me and Edith? I could have kids with her and also still be with you. Or we could adopt? Or maybe just never have them? I mean, the whole point of a relationship is that you meet challenges and overcome them together. But what else am I going to miss out on by moving in with you? My old life? It sure hasn’t done me any real favors. I haven’t been happy like this in...years. A decade. I think…”
“Well don’t stop now,” she said.
He sighed. “I think...while your concerns are legitimate, and I believe that you believe them, I think you’re scared. I think we’ve been having fun, and you’ve been kicking that can down the road, but suddenly you woke up this morning and Edith told you I had decided, and so suddenly it was real to you. And I think you’re scared that it isn’t going to work out because of what happened with your ex-husband.”
Yet again, here he was, skating on thin ice and hoping–praying, really–that it wouldn’t break beneath him.
Once again, it held.
Colleen’s face twisted up just a little, like she was going to defend herself, but she didn’t say anything, and then slowly relaxed.
“...it could be that,” she admitted reluctantly.
“Colleen, I believe that you’re genuinely trying to watch out for me, and again, I’m not passing these concerns of yours out of hand. I am hearing you. But I want to say that your fears are about a theoretical future, on what I might be missing out on. What if I leave here, go home, and lead a shitty life? It’s theoretically possible. Very possible. And the other thing: choice. This is my choice. And I understand what you’re saying, that I should properly informed, otherwise it’s not a true choice, but I think I am.”
Colleen looked uncomfortable and definitely not satisfied.
“Will you do me a favor?” she asked.
“Yes,” he replied.
“Go for a walk around the lake, in the woods, wherever. Go out and walk for an hour and just...think. I mean really, truly, honestly think about what it would mean to move here. To give up your old life. To date me and Edith. And whatever decision you make by the time you come back, I will agree to.”
He stared at her for a long moment. There seemed to be so much more to say, but he could tell this was very important to her, and he wanted to indulge her.
Atticus nodded and stood up. “All right, Colleen. I’ll do that.”
“Thank you,” she whispered emphatically. She stood up, staring at him uncertainly. “There are things I want to say, but I don’t want to cloud your judgment at all…”
“I understand. Give me a hug.” She smiled then and hugged him. He embraced her, then began to pull back, then hesitated. “And a kiss.”
She laughed and kissed him. “Go now, before I ask you to stay. Contemplate, Atticus.”
“I will.”
For a moment, he lingered, unwilling to leave her presence. Then he forced himself to walk back to the bedroom and pull on his jeans and t-shirt. God, he barely remembered taking them off last night...wait, had Colleen undressed him?
A bit of pondering as he dressed and pulled on his shoes revealed that Colleen and Edith had undressed him.
He wanted to say something to Colleen before heading out the door, but ultimately he just looked at her, nodded to her, and then headed out.
Outside, the morning sun was rising towards midday. He’d guess it was somewhere around ten in the morning or so. Damn, he had slept a lot. Well, that made sense. He had felt the tiniest bit high still when he’d woken up and dealt with his morning routine, but that conversation with Colleen had sobered him right up.
