All Your Firsts Without Me, page 8
“I love to cook. David did too.”
He sits down next to me. He inhales deeply, his eyes dancing over the plate. “It’s almost too pretty to eat,” he teases.
My cheeks heat as I absorb his compliment. I pick up my fork and he does the same. “Dig in.”
We eat in a comfortable silence. The wind blows gently, ruffling his dark hair. Every bite is like his very first. He chows down with gusto. I laugh lightly, bringing a glass of tea to my lips. He wipes his mouth and smiles at me.
“Usually, I have some sort of dessert but I’m afraid I haven’t felt much like baking. I’m sorry I don’t have anything to offer you,” I tell him shyly. I really wish I had something because I think it would be a joy to watch him eat something sweet.
He sits back, rubbing his stomach. “Oh, this was more than enough. Thank you, April. It was wonderful and unexpected, but I guess the best things in life usually are.” His sea green eyes flick my way.
“They are, aren’t they?” I look from him to Lucky and then back again. His mouth ticks up in a grin.
He has a nice smile. It’s a flirty smile—not that he’s flirting. I think it’s just his normal smile.
“Can I help with the clean-up?” Tipping his head, he studies me.
“No. Absolutely not. It will give me something to do.” The sun has dropped low in the sky. I need to get inside before it starts to set. I haven’t been able to watch. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. “Actually, I think I need to add something to my days. I find myself wandering around aimlessly.”
“Have you thought about writing again?” he asks.
“I’m sure I will someday, but….”
“No, I get it. Writing takes a certain state of mind. It’s something you can’t force.”
“Do you write?” I lean forward, resting my elbows on the table.
“Yeah, I dabble.” He laughs nervously, changing the subject back to me. “Maybe you should look into volunteering. Pick something you love. I know that worked for me. It’s a win, win. I love my volunteer hours. It keeps me busy, and it helps someone.”
“That’s a great idea. I’ll definitely think about it.”
He nods. “Well, I think I’ll head out and let you and Lucky have some time to get to know each other.”
I smile, thinking about how Lucky will be with me all night. “Yeah, I’m so happy she’s here. Having a pet was something I didn’t know I was missing until today.”
“What drew you to her?”
I run my fingers over my forehead, biting my lip. “David writes me letters. I mean wrote me letters. Last night his letter instructed me to turn on the television.” My gaze drops to Lucky, fast asleep at my feet. “It was a bad night. One of the worst, actually.” I shake my head, recalling just how bad it was. I was ready to end everything.
My eyes roll up to look out towards the ocean, the sun inching ever so closely to the horizon. “Anyhow, there was Lucky, and her butterfly collar and I thought it was a sign. I know it sounds crazy.”
“I don’t think it sounds crazy at all.”
When my eyes dart back to the horizon in worry, his gaze follows mine. The corners of his eyes soften. Does he sense my panic?
“I should be going. Thank you for dinner, it was wonderful.” He rises from his chair and then leans over to give Lucky a final scratch. She wags her tail sleepily. “I think she’s had a long day.”
I walk with him towards his jeep. “Thank you for your help. I really hope I can do this.”
“You’ll do fine. Like I said, Lucky is lucky to have you.”
“Well, anyhow, I’m sorry I beat you to her. But if you hadn’t been there, I don’t know if I would have gone through with the adoption.”
He gets in, rolling down his window. I stand there awkwardly, before taking a step back so he can pull away. He knocks on the outside of his door. “Um, I don’t want this to sound forward but would you like my number? I mean, you could call if you need help with her.”
“Uh, yeah, yeah. That would be great.” I pull my phone out of my pocket and hold it out to him. He types his number in and hands it back to me.
I know this is the point where I should offer him my number, but it doesn’t feel right. I have his and that seems enough… for now.
“Well, thanks again for supper, April.” He gives me a wave before starting his jeep and driving away.
Quickly, I gather up the dishes and get inside before the sun dips its toes into the water. “Come on, girl.” I pat my leg, urging her to follow me. Lucky stands up, has a little stretch and a big yawn before she’s ready to head inside.
She eats and drinks from her new bowl as I wash the dishes. My mind wanders through the day’s events. It’s been a good day. I grip the sponge in my hand tightly, a surge of sadness overtaking me. And just like that I’m on the floor, crying my eyes out.
Lucky hops over, raising one doggy eyebrow and then the other, questioning my sudden change in mood. She licks my face, and I pull her close. “Oh, Lucky, I’m so glad you’re here. I didn’t realize how much I needed a good friend like you.” I rub my nose back and forth over her soft fur.
“Can I show you something?” I ask her. Her ears perk up and she hops off my lap like she understands. I smile sadly and pull myself up off the ground.
I pull my box of letters out from under my bed and place them carefully on my sunburst comforter. I pick up Lucky and set her on the bed too. It’s too high for her to jump up on. I’ll have to think about that. I want her to be able to sleep with me if she wants.
Lucky does a few twirls on the bed, trying to find just the right spot. When she settles beside me, she lays her head on my leg. She looks up at me, content, yet slightly concerned I might ask her to leave. “You can stay in my bed as long as you want,” I tell her. She lets out a cute little doggy sigh, making me chuckle.
I turn back to my box, gently pulling the lid off. I’ve waited long enough. I need one. Thumbing through them, I laugh at some of the titles. Some of these will never happen, I mean… like look at this one, it reads, Your first dance without me. Like that’s ever going to happen.
Then I see one that says, Your first good day without me. Today was a good day. Well, better. Is it too soon to have one? Lucky nudges my hand, the one with a death grip on the letter.
“Yeah, you’re right. I should read it.” I run my finger under the seal. My mind conjures an image of him licking the envelope with his magical tongue. I feel my cheeks heat, even though no one is around to see.
Little Diamond,
My heart constricts, seeing his nickname for me. I can almost hear him utter the words.
I’m overjoyed you finally had your first good day since I left. Don’t you dare feel guilty about it. That’s life. You will have bad days and you will have good ones. The key is to accept both equally.
Okay, so you had a good day. Now, whatever it was that made the day good, do more of that. You’re going to be okay, April, and today might be the first time you’ve realized it. I’m glad. If this involves a person, a food, an animal, a sunset, a book, whatever it was, give it a kiss for me. Because I love it… them… I love anything that makes you smile. Your smile is one of the great wonders of the world.
I smile and lean over, giving Lucky a kiss on the head. “That’s from David,” I tell her.
Here’s to more good days around the bend.
Love forever and a day,
David
I put the box back under the bed, sliding the one I opened under my pillow.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
April
From that day on, I wake up to puppy kisses and coffee with an extra scoop of sugar. I still hurt but it’s easier getting out of bed now. It helps that someone is depending on me to let them out to potty. I don’t have much choice and I don’t say that as a bad thing. It’s nice having someone need me. Truth is, I need Lucky more than she needs me, but I guess it doesn’t matter who needs who more.
Teresa peeks her head in. “It’s me,” she sing songs. Lucky hops off my lap and runs to greet her.
“Oh, oh, what’s this?” She looks at me, holding her hands high like she thinks Lucky will bite her fingers off.
I chuckle, watching their little dance. “This,” I point to the dog, “is Lucky. I adopted her.”
“You got a dog?” She blinks at me like I’ve grown two heads.
Nodding, I hide my smile behind my hand.
Her face softens. “Oh, April, I think that’s great.” She looks back at the ground. “Is he missing a leg?”
“She. And yes, she was in an accident on Highway 10. They couldn’t save her leg.”
Lucky gives up on getting pets from Teresa and comes over and jumps up beside me, curling herself in the crook of my legs. Teresa smiles. “Well, it looks like she’s made herself at home.” She takes the seat across from us.
I nod, running my hand down the little brown and white dog. My dog. I pull my shoulders up to my ears, happy. As happy as a girl with a broken heart can be.
“It’s Friday,” Teresa says.
“Is it?” I mindlessly run my hand over the dog.
“I thought we could go get our nails done. Start up our Friday afternoons again.” She bites her lip, anxiously awaiting my response.
My gaze drops to my nails. They look terrible. The polish has mostly worn off. But it’s the polish I wore for him. Bright yellow.
“You can get the same color,” she coaxes, reading my mind.
“Okay, yeah, sure.”
Teresa claps. “Hurry up. I’ve got appointments booked in thirty.”
I stand up, chuckling. “What if I would have said no.”
“Well, then Jeff would be getting his first manicure.”
That makes me laugh harder, I can’t see Jeff sitting at the nail salon with a bunch of gossiping women. “Make sure you let him know I spared him the humiliation.”
She grins, a tear slides down her cheek. “It’s good to hear you laugh, April.”
“Give me ten minutes?”
“Yep.” She claps again, shooing me away.
As I change into my jeans, my box of letters peeks out at me. There is one that’s labeled your first Friday outing without me. Reluctantly, I pull it out and slide my finger under the seal.
I hope it doesn’t make me miss him more. I don’t want his voice in my head because I might change my mind about going out and opt for wallowing in my sorrow the rest of the day.
But he wrote it for this moment…
April,
Thank you for giving in to Teresa. I don’t know if you realize how much people need you. You’re not just her sister-in-law, you’re her friend. She doesn’t have many. Sure, she has women in her life but none that are true to her. Being a doctor’s wife has to be hard. You, April, are the only one she can be herself around.
I bet she’s missed that. So, today, your goal is to make her laugh. Let her cry if she needs to, but you make her laugh, at least once. Maybe twice. Go get your nails done but then do something different. Something neither of you have done together. I’m sure you’ll think of something.
Go. Be crazy with your BFF.
Love forever and a day,
David
His letter fills me with excitement. He’s giving me the opportunity to do something for him. That is everything.
Teresa catches me up on all the latest gossip. It’s fun. It’s familiar. I smile at my bright, shiny nails as we walk out of the salon. “Want to go have a drink?” I ask her as we walk to the car.
Her feet stop but her body sways forward. “A drink?”
“Yeah, you know the stuff that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Well, at least until the next morning.”
She laughs.
I look up at the sky. Laugh number one.
“Well, yeah. Jeff is at the hospital so, yeah, sure, why not.”
“Why don’t we do it up right? Let’s go back to my house and we will whoop it up. Dresses and all. Besides, I need to let Lucky out before we go.”
She pulls her head back, surprised I’m wanting to go out. We didn’t even go out for drinks when David was alive. But he did say to do something different. She doesn’t need to know this is all for him. “I’ll even let you do my makeup.”
Laugh number two rolls between us. I want more. I want to make her laugh until she pees her pants.
“I’ve always wanted to dress you up,” she admits.
“Well then.” I wave my arms out. “What are we waiting for?”
We hurry back to the house to get ready for our night out. “What about this one?” Teresa holds a bright yellow sun dress in front of my face. It’s an Audrey Hepburn style that ties behind the neck, with a flare skirt. It’s low cut with a sash that ties just below the breast.
“Oh, I don’t know.” I rub the material between my fingers. David bought this for me before he died. He never let me try it on. He said I was to save it for a special day.
The thing is, most would consider special days to be holidays, weddings, and first dates, but it’s the regular days that are the most special.
Like the time David and I spent the whole day binge watching Netflix in bed while both suffering from the flu. It was awful but wonderful at the same time. We were miserable but we were miserable together. It was a special day. Or like the days we picked wildflowers, the sun bright, the air warm. Those were special days.
“Yes. I think this one will be perfect,” I tell her.
She squeals, like a teenager. “People are going to stop you on the street. You’ll look just like a pinup model.”
I roll my eyes but let her do her damage. She’s so happy and I haven’t seen her happy in a long, long time.
“So, where do you want to go?” I ask.
“Oh, I don’t know. You pick.” She pulls her mirror down, applying one last layer of gloss to her lips.
I’m not much of a bar girl. Actually, I haven’t spent any time at all in bars. So, I drive to the one spot I do know. When we step inside, the music is playing loud, there is a live band here tonight.
“This is perfect.” Teresa twirls around, pulling me up to the bar.
At first, my eyes go to the table where I sat a few months ago with David. He told me to come back here six months from his death. I guess I’m a little early. Teresa orders us each some sort of fruity drink. My gaze shifts around the room, studying faces, looking for Westin. I mean he did say he used to come here on Fridays. And it is Friday.
He told me how hard it was for him the first time he came back after David’s death. Maybe it’s still too much for him. I probably should have called or texted him by now, but it didn’t feel right. I didn’t need anything and that’s why he gave me his number. But I’ve been wondering if he went back to the shelter and adopted another dog. Did he find a golden retriever? Does he still miss David as much as I do?
Teresa is having a good time. I haven’t heard her laugh like this in a long time. Mission accomplished; I would say. We dance, we sing, we go to the bathroom together. We do all the things drunk young women do. The handsome bartender flirts with us, men buy us drinks, but even with all the attention my loneliness slowly creeps back in.
The bartender asks if he can take our photo. We put our heads together and smile big for him. He waves the polaroid in the air before handing it to me. “Can you be a doll and hang it up for me?” He points to a wall down at the end of the bar where hundreds of photos are taped up. Teresa squeals as an old friend of hers enters, she pats me on the arm before standing up to greet her.
I look at our photo as it comes to life while I walk towards the back. We look happy. When I reach my destination, my eyes roam over the other pictures before landing on one that makes my heart stop. It’s David and Westin. My hand flies to my mouth to stifle a sob.
Quickly, I rip it off the wall, stuffing it in the pocket of my dress. I replace it with the one of Teresa and me. My heart is beating fast. This is wrong, my father’s voice whispers in the back of my mind, but I don’t care. It’s a photo of David I’ve never seen, and I want it.
Teresa and her friend are mixed in with a group of people. I nudge my way into the crowd and tell her I’m feeling a bit tired. “I’m going to call an uber to take me home.” She glances at her watch.
“Yeah, I guess it is getting late. Jeff was going to come get us but if you don’t want to wait.” She gives me a once over. “You sure you can get home okay?”
“Yes, I had fun tonight.” I give her a kiss on the cheek. “Just make sure you get home safe.”
She laughs and my heart smiles.
I wave to her and head out.
Lucky greets me at the door when I get home, dancing circles around my feet. “Hey, girl, did you miss me?”
She jumps in my lap the minute I sit down. I pull my stolen treasure out of my pocket. Lucky lays her head on my chest, sniffing the photo. “Look, it’s Westin and this man is my husband. Was my husband,” I tell Lucky. She raises one eye and then the other, listening intently. “I miss him so much, Lucky.”
There was a letter for the first photo without him. I suppose I should read it, sometimes his letters make me feel better and sometimes they make me miss him even more. It’s a toss-up. I get ready for bed first and then Lucky and I settle down for the night, I slide the photo of him and Westin under my pillow before ripping open the letter.
Hello Little Diamond,
I’m so glad you’re reading this. It means something made you happy enough to capture the moment. I remember the day I was going through old baby pictures of Kaden and you shared with me that you had only had your picture taken once, by a neighbor. My heart broke into a thousand pieces that day. From then on, we snapped so many pictures together you could wallpaper the house with them.
This was the first moment you captured since my death, but it won’t be the last. You’ll have so many moments. So many. Anyhow, let’s take a look at it together. Go get it.
