All Your Firsts Without Me, page 15
He moves his hips at a torturously slow pace. “I want to live here,” he says possessively as he rocks against me, bottoming out.
Westin makes love to me like I’m his first. He takes his time, closing his eyes, leaning his head back. I imprint the image in my mind. “Westin,” I moan. I need something more. More. More.
He picks up his pace. Harder. Faster. He makes love to me with abandon. Letting go of all his insecurities.
“Westin, I’m… oh, god, I’m…” I let out something between a grunt and a groan as my body tenses before letting go. My mouth falls open and my head tips back as I ride the waves of pleasure.
When I open my eyes, he’s staring at me with so much emotion, my heart swells to double its size. We are one and it feels so right. All my doubts fall away like feathers on the wind. They float over us and disappear into the heavens.
Every muscle in his body strains as I watch in awe. I’ve never seen a man come before and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. His head falls forward, resting in the crook of my neck. He breathes hard as his body relaxes against mine.
I wrap my arms around him. I’m never letting him go. It feels so good to be loved again. I didn’t realize until now how much I’ve missed having a connection to someone. Westin and I just work. We just are. It’s so hard to explain. I feel like we were meant to be. How is that possible?
“You okay,” he says, not lifting his head. His voice vibrates against me, giving me a little thrill.
“I’m great,” I reply, running my nails lightly over his back.
His head bops up. “I… I was worried you might feel guilty.”
I run my finger over his brow, soothing his worry away. “How could I feel guilty about this. I felt your love. I hope you felt mine.”
He kisses me softly, his forearms braced on each side of my head.
“It was just you and me. Nothing else existed outside this bed.” I bite my lip, hoping he understands what I am trying to say.
He kisses my forehead. Whispering against my skin, “I love you.”
My stomach takes this moment to growl, loudly. I groan in embarrassment, but he only laughs. I like the way his body vibrates against mine. “Come on, let’s go heat up that casserole I worked all day on. We can’t let it go to waste.”
He slips his t-shirt over my head before pulling my panties up my legs. He grabs his boxers and his prosthetic and that is all he wears.
“I don’t know if I can concentrate on eating if that’s all you’re going to put on,” I tell him, playfully slapping him on the butt as we head back out to the dining room. Lucky picks her head up, giving us a sleepy one-eyed once over before dropping back to sleep.
“So, this doesn’t bother you?” he asks, pointing to his leg.
“God, no. I wasn’t lying when I said you were hot.”
He laughs, pulling me into his chest and kissing me soundly on the mouth. “I’m never letting you go.”
“Thank you, for being patient with me. I know I’m not easy,” I murmur quietly, laying my head against his chest.
“The best things never are,” he says.
I squeeze him around the waist so tight he grunts. “I don’t want you to ever let me go.”
“I won’t, baby. I won’t.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Westin
We stood at the counter and finished our dinner, her in my t-shirt and me in only my boxers. Now that we’ve crossed the bridge of intimacy, things seem easier.
She’s surrendered to the idea of us.
“You want to go check out my recording room?”
“Yes,” she squeals excitedly.
She spins in a circle once inside the room. “Why don’t you sing your own songs? Why do you sell them to someone else?”
I grab a tablet and pen, setting them in front of her as she sits down in the middle of the floor. “I don’t like being the center of attention, I guess.”
“But you used to be a star football player.”
Grabbing my guitar, I plop down beside her. “Yeah, that was before. I’m not as confident as I was back then. Honestly, I don’t really want all the attention. I want a quiet life. Touring around the country doesn’t appeal to me.”
“I can see that. My publisher’s been pushing me to do some book signings, but I don’t want the attention either,” she says, curling her legs under her. She picks up the tablet. “What’s this for?”
“That song we’re going to write together. I thought maybe we could start tonight,” I tease, running my fingers over the strings on my guitar.
She closes her eyes. I know she can’t resist the music. She starts humming and then words start pouring from her. When she opens her eyes, pausing, I pick up where she left off, creating another verse. She grabs the paper and pen and frantically starts scratching out the lyrics. I lean over and take the pen from her, adding a few notes myself.
We laugh and joke and sing and before we know it several hours have passed. “I’m hungry, want to take a break and grab a snack?” I ask, standing and stretching.
Her eyes roam hungrily over my body. God, she makes me feel good… wanted.
“Yeah, sure.” She glances at the papers scattered all over the floor. “I didn’t know writing music was so much fun.”
“We make a good team.” I grab her hand and haul her out of the room for a break.
I whip us up a plate of nachos while she freshens up in the bathroom. Instead of sitting at the table, we sit on the steps of the deck. The moon ripples through the water. It’s a beautiful night.
“I think the thing I like most about being out of that basement is getting to experience day and night. Down there everything was the same.”
“I’m a night owl,” I tell her. “My creativity comes easier in the dark quiet of the night.”
She turns to me, her golden eyes glowing. “It’s a good time to let your dreams come out to play.”
I feed her a nacho before chomping down on one myself. She covers her mouth as she chews, and it is so adorable I lean over and kiss her nose. “What do you dream about?”
She lets her gaze travel down to the beach. “I’ve always dreamed of love and passion. Connections. Freedom. I don’t really crave material things. What is life without a connection to it?”
“I love your brain.”
Giggling, she snags another chip from the plate. “Is that all you love?”
My eyes travel down her body and over her bare legs. “No,” I growl lightly in her ear, nipping at her cute little lobe.
“Would you like to help me fulfill one of my dreams,” she breathes.
I pull away, my eyes searching hers. “Yes.”
“Will you make love to me on the beach?” she asks shyly, tucking her hair behind her ear.
Immediately, I set the plate on the deck and rush inside, grabbing a blanket off the back of the sofa. When I get outside, I see she is already heading down to the water. I hurry to catch up with her, grabbing her waist and twirling us around before setting her back on her feet.
She takes the blanket from me and places it on the ground. I lie down, pulling her on top of me. She sits up, teasing her hips over me. I grab her face, guiding her to my lips. I kiss her until I feel her toes curl against the outside of my thighs.
April shimmies out of her panties as I slide my boxers down. I’ve never had sex on the beach. This is new for me too. It’s exciting, not to mention her skin looks luminescent in the light of the moon. She’s gorgeous.
She rises on her knees over me, reaching between us. April stares into my eyes as she slowly lowers herself onto me. Shit, it’s so good. So crazy good.
“I like the way you feel inside of me,” she whispers, her breasts brushing against my chest.
“Jesus, April. You’re going to make me come if you keep talking like that,” I say, cupping her breasts, brushing my thumbs over her sensitive skin.
Her breathing picks up as she rises and falls on me. Over and over and over, such sweet fucking torture.
I roll us over in one swift motion, capturing her lips with mine. Our teeth knock together as our kisses become frantic, aggressive, needy.
My hips barrel into her, harder, faster. God I’ll never get enough of her. She’s so intoxicating. Her body, her mind, her soul. I want it all.
April has always been my muse. I feel like my entire life has been preparing me for this. I’m not even close to being worthy enough to worship at the temple of her body. But here I am, and I’m never letting her go.
Her body tenses, her back bowing off the ground, her mouth falls open as her eyes find mine… she lets out the sexiest sound I’ve ever heard in my life. My balls tighten and I come, explosively right inside her and it’s then I realize we didn’t use a condom. I fall against her, our bodies sweaty, and sticky.
I roll off her, staring at the stars. “We might kill each other at this rate,” I tell her.
She turns, curling herself into me. “What a way to go,” she says dreamily.
We lie side by side for several minutes before she starts giggling. “I think I have sand in places I definitely shouldn’t.”
“Me too.”
While we are showering, I decide to broach the subject of my carelessness of not using a condom. I’m such an idiot. It’s been so long since I’ve had to worry about it, I guess it slipped my mind.
As I’m running my fingers through her hair, rinsing the shampoo out, I bring it up. “Um, so I know this should have been something we discussed before, but are you on birth control?”
She stills. “I… no,” she whispers, pulling away from me, turning to face the shower wall.
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s my fault, I should have used a condom.”
April starts crying. I place my hand on her shoulder, spinning her to me. “I’m so bad,” she hiccups. “I… I’m stupid. So stupid. My dad was right about me.”
“Don’t say that. You’re not bad. Listen, we can run to the pharmacy tomorrow and get a morning after pill. This isn’t on you. It’s on me too. I should have been prepared.”
She shakes her head, tugging away from me again. Her eyebrows are pulled together in concern. “I… I don’t think I can do that.”
My gaze bounces over her strained features. I pull her to me, wrapping her up in my arms. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
“What are we going to do?” Tears stream down her face.
“First of all, we don’t even know if we have anything to worry about. So, we won’t until we know for sure. Don’t fret, everything will be fine.” I run my palm down her hair.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t take one of those pills. It’s… it’s just something I can’t do.”
“It’s okay. I understand. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
She nods, hiding her face under my chin, holding me tight.
After we dry off, we head back into the studio. She sits down, a frown on her face.
“Talk to me.”
“I… I guess I’d given up the idea of having a child of my own. Tonight, was the first time I thought about it even being a possibility.”
“Are kids something you think you want?”
“When I was in the basement, I used to dream about being a mom.” She pulls her legs up and hugs them to her chest, resting her chin on her knees. “Do you remember the neighbor I told you about that made me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?”
“Yes.” I sit down in front of her.
“I would pretend I was like her. Her life seemed so normal.” She smiles and lays her cheek on her knee. “She used to read to me while I ate. She had these Disney clubhouse books that I loved. My favorite was Cinderella. There were so many wonderful stories, all full of colorful pictures. Anyhow, I would pretend I had a family of my own and I would read to my kids each night when I tucked them into their warm beds.”
“We had a set of those books. I know exactly what you are talking about.” I run my finger over her leg, needing to touch her.
“She was a wonderful person. Without her I don’t know if I would have had enough good memories to last all those years.”
“Did your own mother read to you?”
She laughs sadly. “The bible. Those were the only words my parents read to me and it was usually about fire and brimstone.”
“I want a family,” I tell her honestly. “After losing my mom and dad, I felt so alone. Logically I knew I could have my own family someday, but back then it seemed so far away, but now…” I let my words trail off. I don’t want to scare her. But if I could start a family with her right now, I would.
“This might be too personal of a question, but I noticed you don’t have any pictures of your family hanging anywhere.” She chews on her lip, anxiously awaiting my response.
I run my hand through my hair. “I haven’t been able to look at them since the accident.”
She nods. “Are you sure you’re okay with me not taking that pill?”
Reaching for her, I pull her onto my lap. “I’m more than okay with it.”
“But what would people say?”
“Once upon a time, a wise man told me he wanted me to fall in love with his wife. I asked him, ‘What will people think?’ You know what he said?”
She giggles, “Fuck what other people think?”
I nuzzle my nose into her hair. “You’re exactly correct.”
“I’ve heard that a few times myself,” she sighs, resting her head back against my chest.
I pull my guitar in front of us, my fingers gently strumming over the strings. I sing quietly about love and family. About how sometimes sad times lead us to the absolute best things.
April doesn’t join me. She listens quietly. I press a kiss to her temple, knowing she has a lot going on in there. I’ve had over a year of dreaming about us being together and what that could potentially mean. We have the unique ability to spend our days and nights together doing what we love. We have the capability to make a family. She’s just now letting herself grasp at a life she never imagined she could have. She’d been certain there would be no life for her at all without David.
She blinks up at me, tears hanging on for dear life to her long lashes. I don’t stop singing until the sun comes up.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
April
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
I climb over Westin, reaching for my phone. He doesn’t open his eyes, but his hands seem to be awake because they grab onto my butt.
“Hello?” I answer a bit breathlessly.
“Hey, sorry to wake you so early but I got you in. They’re going to allow you an hour with him at four this afternoon.”
The room spins, my heartbeat thunders in my ears.
Westin’s hands stop massaging my bottom. His eyes fly open.
He sits up with me still straddling him, the phone pressed to my ear. “April?” Concern wrinkles his eyes.
Gently, he pulls the phone away from my ear. “Hello?”
I blink, my hands shaking as I listen to his half of the conversation.
“She’s okay. Shocked, maybe?” He runs his palm over the side of my face.
“Today?”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll see what she wants to do.”
We stare at each other as he listens to Giles on the other end. He’s taking care of it. I’m not alone. I have Westin. Everything is okay. It’s fine.
“Sure. Talk to you later.”
After he hangs up, he cups my face in his hands, his gaze bouncing all over my face. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah.” I try to climb off him, but he doesn’t release my cheeks, his grip only tightens. “No running.”
No running. Okay. Okay. It’s okay to not take this on all by myself.
“I forgot I asked Giles to get me a meeting with my father.” I wrap my fingers around his wrists.
“I’ll go with you,” he says with so much emotion in his voice that I know he would go to the ends of the earth for me.
It’s kind of scary. This is all happening so fast, yet it feels right.
I nod once.
He releases the breath he was holding. “Good. Good,” he says, placing his forehead to mine.
Ever since last night, he seems relieved that I’ve given in. I can’t resist whatever this is anymore. He’s become the balm to my broken heart.
We get ready to make the two-hour trip to visit my dad. Both of us quiet but comfortable with each other. Our movements sync together just like the words we wrote last night. It reminds me of the pocket watch my dad used to carry. He would set it on the table beside me when I was being punished so I could watch the minutes tick by slowly. My eyes would trace the gears with both dread and fascination.
“You sure you want to do this?” Westin asks as we step inside the room the guard escorted us to. It’s empty except for a table and three chairs.
“Yes.” I take a seat. Westin sits next to me, keeping my hand firmly gripped in his.
An officer walks my dad in. His hands are cuffed in front of him. He’s still intimidating in height and stature. His hair has greyed, and his beard has grown but he still looks the same after all these years.
I wonder if he notices how much I’ve changed.
He sits down, his gaze starting with Westin before sliding to me. I sit up straighter under his scrutiny. His lip curls in disgust.
“Already moving on from your cop.” He shakes his head in disappointment.
Westin’s hand twitches around mine, but otherwise he remains deadly still.
I don’t even flinch. This is nothing new. Licking my lips, I clear my throat. “I’m sorry to be taking up so much of your time, sir. I just have one question and then we will be on our way.”
Westin releases a tiny grunt when I call my father sir.
Sometimes words get beaten into you so hard they seep into your bones and no amount of editing can erase them.
