All Your Firsts Without Me, page 3
When I crawl into bed beside David, he grabs my arm, tugging me close to him. “Hey, beautiful,” he whispers.
“I thought you’d be asleep,” I tell him, snuggling down under the covers with him.
“My thoughts were way too naughty for sleep to come, wife.” He swats my bottom lightly.
Giggling, I lean over to kiss him. He groans and pushes me onto my back. “Let me love you, baby,” he says quietly, staring deep into my eyes.
I let my tears fall freely as he makes love to me like it’s our last time. He kisses them away while his hands roam all over my body. Is he trying to memorize everything about me, like I’m doing to him?
He’s aggressive in his demands. He steals my breath, he tastes my skin, his fingers play my body like an instrument that only he can hear. He wants it all, and he takes it greedily.
After our lovemaking, David and I lie together quietly. He studies our entwined fingers, drawing them to his mouth, kissing each of my knuckles. “Please let someone love you when I’m gone.”
I remain quiet because I simply don’t know if that is something I can do. Because of David’s condition we have a different way of loving each other. I don’t know if I can do it the way other people do. With David, it’s safe. He touches me and I touch him. That’s how we connect. In the beginning, I thought maybe God made him the way he was just for me. But now I think God is angry and punishing me with the threat of taking him away.
“Stop with the bible crap in your head, April. I know what you’re thinking. You are worthy of love. You just have to be brave enough to let someone else in. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you need, how to love you.”
I tip my head back so I can stare into his rich, brown eyes. “You are my soulmate, David. I don’t need anyone else. You’ve given me enough love to last a lifetime.”
He doesn’t argue. He closes his eyes. I stare at his beautiful face for a long time until sleep tugs at my own lids, forcing them shut. As I’m drifting off, he whispers, “You are right. My love for you will transcend. You’ll be loved even when I’m gone.”
My eyes flash open and I sit up, hovering over his face. He’s fast asleep, snoring lightly. Sleep doesn’t come to me the rest of the night as I hold vigil. I watch as he breathes in and out, studying the rise and fall of his chest. Any pause requires me to nudge him gently until he resumes the normal pace of slumber. If I have to, I will stay awake forever, to ensure he doesn’t slip away from me.
CHAPTER FOUR
David
I remember the first time I heard April speak without me being in the room. She’d been living with Kade and I for a few months and we had all settled into a new routine. April was studying at the kitchen table. I had convinced her to enroll in online college courses. I figured it was better than her not going at all. I would’ve liked for her to experience the normal college life, like I had. Sometimes circumstances don’t allow for that, so online was the next best thing.
Anyhow, Kade was a freshman in high school. He came into my office after school and said a quick hello before rushing out to find April, wanting to fill her in on his day.
One thing about April is that she is an incredibly good listener. Sometimes I would feel bad for talking her ear off, until one day, she told me how much she liked listening to our stories. She said all she had was her own voice for four years. To hear others was a luxury for her. After that, neither one of us ever held back.
Kaden yelled, “Boo.” April squealed, which wasn’t so much a surprise, but what came next was.
“Kaden, seriously, why do you have to constantly scare me? I peed my pants, butthead!” Then she stomped down the hall, slamming her bedroom door shut.
Kaden came running into my office. “Did you hear that?” he said excitedly. “She spoke to me and you weren’t there! I knew I could get her to do it. I just knew it! She even called me a butthead!”
We both went to her bedroom. I knocked on the door. “What?” came the angry reply from the other side.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’m changing. Kaden made me pee my pants,” she said testily.
“I heard.”
Her door swung open, and she stood there, staring at Kaden and I with her hand over her mouth.
“You did it,” Kaden praised, stepping into her room, and wrapping his arms around her.
She gaped at me over his shoulder, and I smiled. When he released her, she rushed towards me and settled herself on my lap. “I did it,” she whispered into my ear. It was then I knew she would be okay.
She thanked Kaden profusely the rest of the evening, going as far as to cook his favorite meal that night. I’d never seen him blush so much.
It’s still their thing. He scares her every chance he gets. He’s sneaking up on her right now while she makes breakfast.
I hope they stay close after I’m gone. They will need each other.
“Boo!”
“Goddammit, Kaden!” She laughs but her hand reaches up to grab the dish towel she has draped on her shoulder. It only takes one flick of the wrist to put him in his place.
Her accuracy is scary as she hits her target right on the bullseye. “Ouch, that stings,” he complains, rubbing his butt.
“Don’t scare me then.” She goes back to cutting vegetables for our omelets.
He plops down at the breakfast bar with me, still nursing his ass with one hand.
“How’s school going?” I ask.
“Good, good. Finals, then one more semester. Everything is on track for me to break out of there in May.”
“Why do you make it sound like you’re serving a prison sentence?” I ask him, rubbing my hands together as my wife pushes a beautiful omelet in front of me.
“Hey, no vegetables on mine,” he tells, her. She rolls her eyes. When she gets back to the stove, she tosses the veggies in despite his request.
“It is like a prison sentence.”
“It can’t be that bad,” April says. “And you’re getting vegetables.”
He sticks his tongue out at her, reverting to his five-year-old self. “You both know what I want to do. I want to be a police officer like dad. I’m only doing this college gig to make you guys happy.”
April turns away, so that we can’t see her concern. She doesn’t want him to follow in my footsteps. Honestly, I would have rather had him choose something else, but I get it. He wants to save the world, same as me. I have to remind myself he knows the risks involved. If it’s his passion, then he needs to go where that takes him. I’m glad he is getting a degree though. It will be something he can fall back on if he needs to. Something I didn’t have.
“I’m sure you’ll make a fantastic police officer someday,” I say.
He spins to me. “Do you really think so?”
“I know so.”
The smile on his face reminds me of when he was a boy desperately seeking my approval. He rises to give me a hug. April frowns our way. Kaden becoming a cop is the last thing she wants to see happen.
“I want to be just like you, dad. I’ve always wanted to follow in your footsteps.” Kade leans back and laughs. “Sorry, maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words.”
“It’s okay son. I know what you mean.”
April shifts the conversation to a lighter subject. “I invited Teresa and Jeff over. They said they would stop by for lunch.”
“Cool. I haven’t seen Aunt Teresa in a fat minute,” Kade says before shoveling a massive amount of omelet into his mouth.
“You want to see how many we can catch before they get here?” I ask my son.
“Like you have to ask.” He pushes his plate across the counter towards April, hinting for seconds. “You never have to ask if I want to fish. The answer will always be yes.”
“How do you never gain weight?” she teases, getting up to fill his plate again.
“Do you want to join us?” I ask her. Sometimes she likes to go. She usually finds a quiet spot to sit and write while we fish.
Worry flits over her face as she looks from Kaden to me. She bites her lip before speaking. “No. I want to straighten up before Teresa and Jeff arrive. You two go on without me.” She sets her plate on the counter, then comes around to sit in my lap. This is how we eat breakfast each morning. Kaden used to grumble it was gross, but he’s gotten used to it over the years.
I run my fingers through her golden locks as she eats.
“Were you dreaming about your dad last night?” she asks shyly, looking over her shoulder at me.
My eyes fall closed. I did dream about him last night, but it didn’t feel like a dream. He was standing at the foot of our bed, a fishing pole in each of his hands. I stood, taking a few steps towards him. He stretched his arm out, offering me a pole. “I’ve found the best fishing hole, son. The fish are always biting.” His rich laugh echoed through the room before I woke with a start.
When I open my eyes, April is silently crying. “You did, didn’t you?”
I nod, wiping her tears away with my thumbs. “He’s ready to fish with me again.”
“Like grandfather, like father, like son,” she whispers, turning back to her breakfast.
Kaden quickly gets up to rinse his plate. He braces himself against the sink, muscles tense, his arms trembling.
“I’m going to say this once and then from here on out we aren’t going to talk about it.” They both turn to face me. “We knew there would be a time when we’d have to face this head on. That time is now. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do. I have no regrets. Not one. So, lets enjoy the time we have left. If you have to cry, cry. If you have something you need to say, say it but, we aren’t going to fight this. It’s happening. Okay?” They both nod in agreement.
We take the time to do everything I spoke about in my little speech, leaving nothing left unsaid.
When Kaden and I go to leave, I tell April that we are only going down to the pier. “If you change your mind, you’ll come find us?”
“Yes, but like I said, I have tons to do before lunch.” She kisses me and shoos us out the door.
My son and I spend the rest of the morning quietly fishing side by side.
When we return, the house is silent. I find April curled up on our bed, hugging my pillow, fast asleep. Her tiny fists are clutched around clouds of tissue.
Oh, baby.
Our love is both a blessing and a curse. The curse, falling in love with an older man, a sick one to boot. If she wouldn’t have grown up with a fanatically religious father, her life would have been so different. Yet, I can’t wish for it to be any other way; call me selfish, but I’m happy that April is in my life. I’m grateful she came into Kaden’s too.
My first wife left Kaden and I when he was two. It destroyed me. I thought I would never be able to trust anyone with our hearts again. Then April materialized out of thin air. I hadn’t planned on letting anyone into our world, but she came in such an unexpected package. She snuck up on me. Before I realized what was happening, she had imbedded herself so far into my heart, there was no way of extracting her, unless I were to rip the bloody thing clean out.
“Baby, it’s time to wake up. Our guests will be here soon.” My heart melts as her nose twitches before she raises her arms above her head in an exaggerated stretch. She reaches for me, wiggling her fingers. I laugh, hoisting myself up beside her, she hasn’t even opened her eyes yet.
“Twenty minutes,” she whispers, her hands slowly creeping under my shirt.
“Okay, baby, just for you. I think I can work my magic in twenty.”
My arms brace either side of her head. She giggles but I quickly swallow it, turning it into a moan of pleasure. My hand slides between her thighs.
I fix my eyes on her face. She’s beautiful, her lips parted, eyes fluttering, head tipped back. This is the reward for my work. God, it’s spectacular.
Her eyes open, finding mine. When her pupils widen, I know she’s close. I fall into those black depths, stealing her pleasure and making it my own.
Kaden hollers from the living room, “Dad, Aunt Teresa is here.”
“Be right there,” I yell.
April and I both laugh as we struggle to catch our breath. I roll off her. My head falls to the side to stare into her eyes. “I never thought I would have a sexual life after my accident. Thank you for giving me that.”
“Thank you for never giving up on me,” she whispers.
“I’ll never give up on you, death won’t change that. I know, my little diamond in the rough will shine brighter than the brightest star in the sky.”
She runs her fingers over my cheek. “You’ve been the best husband.”
CHAPTER FIVE
April
We’ve had an amazing day. The sun was bright, the talk light, and the food delicious. Kaden has entertained us all day with his wild college tales. David glanced at me from time to time, wondering if I felt I had missed out by not living on campus. I don’t. I don’t regret one thing.
I sat on his lap and whispered into his ear that I didn’t need a fumbling college guy when I had an old pro teaching me all the good stuff. He laughed and told me I was right. I know I’m right. David gave me more than any college experience ever could.
As we are cleaning up, a strange feeling overcomes me.
Have you ever watched the sand in an hourglass?
When you get to that final bit of sand, doesn’t it seem to flow faster?
“Teresa, Jeff, can you guys stick around?” David asks. Teresa looks at Jeff nervously but nods.
“Thank you. Kade, April, and I are going to sit on the beach and watch the sun set. It would be good if you stayed.”
Teresa hugs him. Jeff even embraces him. The atmosphere is void of oxygen as I swallow big gulps of air. Darkness encroaches on the edge of my vision as Kaden picks my husband up from his wheelchair. Teresa shoves a folded blanket in my hands, then places a hand firmly in the center of my back, pushing me to follow Kaden down the path to the beach.
No. I don’t want to go. I don’t feel like watching the sun set.
Actually, I don’t want it to set at all.
Not today. Not tomorrow.
I find myself running ahead to lay the blanket out. Why am I not stopping this? But the smile remains on my face. “It was an exceptionally beautiful day today, wasn’t it?” I hear myself say. No. No. Stop, this isn’t happening.
“It was the best,” David replies as Kaden lays him gently on the blanket. “Come here, wife.” He rolls to his side and pats the spot in front of him. I lie down so we are both facing the ocean, my back pressed to his chest. Kaden lies down beside me, turning his face towards the waves. David drapes his arm over me, placing his hand on his son’s chest.
The sun hovers over the horizon as if it too is unwilling to say goodbye. “I’ve loved you two more than any others. Thank you both for loving me back.”
Kaden turns, tears streaming down his face. “You’re the one who taught us both how to love.”
I attempt shifting my body so I can burry myself in my husband’s chest, but he stops me. “Shh, watch the sun set with me, April.”
“I love you,” I whisper. Kaden looks at me sadly and then turns back to watch the sun begin its descent into the sea.
“When I was a little boy and my father passed away, my mother explained death to me. She said my father’s spirit had taken wings like a butterfly and left his body. Just like the butterfly leaves its cocoon. She said his soul had been set free.” He pauses and kisses the back of my head.
“What a beautiful way to teach a child about death. You were lucky to have such a wonderful mother,” I tell him, my hand rubbing over his arm lovingly.
“I was fortunate. I’ve had a beautiful life.”
We lie quietly, watching the sun set and what a spectacular one at that. It’s as if God spared no expense for the ending of this day. Every color of the rainbow is splattered across the darkening canvas. The water reflects the amazing view back to the heavens. The gentle ocean breeze rolls over us, ruffling Kaden’s hair. It’s so peaceful. This, this is why David and I moved here.
Just as the final arch of the sun dips below the surface, a bright blue butterfly flits in front of us, landing on the edge of our blanket. “Dad. Dad, do you see the butterfly?” Kaden whisper-yells to David, unable to take his eyes off the winged creature.
The butterfly flies in front of us, doing an impressive dance in the sky, as if it’s showing off his grand flying skills. “David, do you see it?” I ask, just as a chill courses through me at how still he is against my back. “Kaden,” the tinge of panic in my voice makes him sit up quickly.
He rolls David onto his back, his arm sliding off of me as he does. I turn and stare down into my husband’s rich brown, lifeless eyes. We both turn to watch as the butterfly flies away from us. “No!” I scream, throwing myself over my husband. Not yet. Not yet. There is so much more to do. So much more to say. No! No! No!
Kaden closes his father’s eyes for the last time.
“What do we do? Do something! We need to do CPR!” I’m frantically trying to position my husband so we can help him.
Kaden pulls me into his lap. “Stop, April. He’s gone. He’s gone.” Kaden begins to rock us back and forth as I meekly fight him. Both of us cry like inconsolable children.
We sit with David for a long time. Each of us reach out from time to time to touch him. His body grows cold fast… so fast. “I’m going to call Teresa,” he tells me as he gently pushes me off his lap to pull his phone out of his back pocket.
She answers on the first ring. “He’s gone,” is all Kaden can get out. A few minutes later Teresa and Jeff are kneeling by our sides.
“I called…” Teresa sniffles, trying to keep her voice calm, “the funeral home. They will be here to get him any minute.”
That’s when my heart cracks, my mouth falls open, and the pain retches free from my lungs in a loud gasp. I jump to my feet, glancing around the empty beach. I don’t know what to do. I can’t let them take him. He can’t go with strangers to a strange place. No. This can’t be happening.
