All Your Firsts Without Me, page 17
After I’m dressed, he tucks me in bed. “I’ll be right back.”
I snuggle down in the covers, still struggling to pull myself together. He comes back minutes later with a mug of hot cocoa, the kind with the colored marshmallows I like. Westin hands it to me then picks up the book I was reading off the nightstand. He settles on top of the bedspread, leaning himself against the headboard, dressed in nothing but sweatpants.
“I n-need t-to go l-lock up,” I sniffle.
“Everything is locked and put away. Lights are off and Lucky is sleeping soundly on her dog bed. No worries.” He pulls me close, letting me rest my head on his lap, then he starts to read from the page I had left off on.
His voice calms me as I listen to the words. I allow them to pull me into the story. He runs his fingers through my hair as he reads. My eyelids droop as he lulls me to calmer waters.
When I feel him try to slip from the bed, I reach out and grab his hand. “Will you stay with me?”
His gaze flits over my face. “Are you sure? I don’t mind sleeping on the couch.”
“No, I want you to stay here. I slide over and lift my yellow starburst comforter for him.”
He gives me a megawatt smile before sliding in. When he adjusts his pillow, he pulls something out from under it.
Oh my god. How embarrassing.
“I can explain,” I say quickly as he smirks at the photo of him and David.
“No need. I have a similar one under my pillow at home.”
“You do?” I ask confused.
“Yep. But it’s much prettier than this one.” He motions for me to lift my head and then he slides it under my pillow.
I give him a bashful smile. “So, we are both thieves.” I laugh lightly, snuggling into his side.
He chuckles, his body shaking against mine. “Maybe we are more alike than we thought.”
My fingers trail through the dusting of hair on his chest. “Thank you for taking care of me tonight.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you wanted,” he says quietly.
My eyelids grow heavy. “Mmm, you gave me something better. You gave me what I needed,” I murmur, sleepily.
Westin doesn’t say anything. The press of his lips to mine lets me know how he feels about what I said.
I fall asleep—safe, comfortable, and loved.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
April
“Boo!”
“Goddammit, Kaden!”
He picks me up off my feet from behind, swinging me around in a circle. I’m laughing by the time he sets me back on my feet. He gives me a big kiss on the cheek before releasing me.
Westin, and I’m assuming the girl standing beside him, Carly, are both staring at us with amused expressions on their faces.
“Kade, this is Westin,” I introduce them.
They shake hands. “I’ve heard a lot about you,” Kaden says before turning to his girlfriend. “April, Westin, this is my girlfriend, Carly.”
She’s a pretty little thing. We all shake hands as the auditorium begins to fill.
“Can Carly sit with you guys? I’ve got to go get ready.”
“Absolutely,” I say, grabbing her hand and pulling her down the rows of chairs, Westin follows behind us. I want to be front and center for this.
“We should save some seats for the others,” Westin suggests, draping his jacket across a couple of seats, then he helps me out of mine, doing the same to it.
I turn to Carly as we sit down. “It’s good to finally meet you. Kade said you are a criminal justice major.”
She nods shyly. “I am. I’m hoping to be a crime lab analyst someday.”
My eyes widen. “Wow, that sounds interesting.”
She nods, excitedly. I like her. David would have too.
Teresa, Jeff, Giles, and Bev all show up a few minutes later, grumbling about traffic. I have just enough time to introduce them to Carly before the ceremony starts. I take picture after picture, wanting to capture this special moment for Kade. David would have been so proud of him.
Later that evening after we’ve checked into our hotel, we all meet up for dinner. Kade takes advantage of another opportunity to scare me, making me spill water down the front of my shirt. I smack him in the arm, but I secretly love it.
We share the story with Westin and Carly of how our little game started.
“I’m a god, babe,” he tells Carly, pulling her close to him. “I got her to talk without my dad being around.”
“That’s quite the story.” Westin says, throwing a wink my way. “I’ll have to remember that when she’s giving me the silent treatment.”
Everyone laughs at his joke.
The night is wonderful. It’s so nice to all be together again. Westin seems comfortable. Carly seems to be warming up to us as well.
Giles stands up, clinking his knife to his glass of water. “I have a toast to make. Here’s to Kaden making it through college.” Everyone claps. “Also, I have some good news. Kaden has been accepted to the Long Beach Police Academy.”
The room darkens, as everyone congratulates Kaden. I thought he would be coming home. School is over but that’s not how it works, does it? Usually, kids don’t come back home after college. What was I thinking? And the police academy? I was hoping that was just a phase. I thought it would pass and he would move onto something else. I guess not.
Westin squeezes my knee under the table. I glance at him. His eyebrows are pulled together in concern. I plaster on a fake smile and push away from the table, standing to congratulate Kade. “That’s great, Kaden. Your dad would be so proud.” He gives me a big hug.
“Awe, thanks, April. I’m so fucking excited. I can’t even tell you.” He turns and looks at Carly. “We are getting a place together. We’ve signed the lease and everything. I’m so happy.”
“Wow, yeah, that’s exciting.”
Giles and Kaden begin talking about the academy. Giles telling him everything he knows. I excuse myself to the ladies’ room, hoping I make it there before the delicious dinner I just ate comes spewing out all over this stupid, fancy restaurant.
I walk briskly, shoving the door open and collapsing on the floor in front of the toilet. Everything comes up at once. Including my liver and at least one kidney. When I’ve emptied my stomach, I pull myself up to the sink, rinsing out my mouth and splashing cold water on my face.
Kaden is going to be a police officer, just like his dad.
He could get shot, just like his dad.
He could die, just like his dad.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
“Just a minute,” I yell. Quickly, I straighten my hair, rock my head back and forth on my shoulders and take a deep breath. Just get through the rest of dinner. It’s almost over.
When I open the door, I find Carly leaning against the wall outside of the bathroom. “I was scared at first too,” she says quietly.
My shoulders drop. “I can’t lose him,” I whisper.
“I researched the academy. He’s going to get the absolute best training.”
“I was hoping it was a phase,” I admit.
“Men like your husband and Kaden were born with a strong set of morals and an extra dash of courage. They have an innate desire to help others.”
I laugh lightly. “Yeah, I guess I can’t complain. David saved my life.”
“And Kaden will undoubtedly do the same for someone else.”
“How did you get so wise?”
She giggles. “I’m not. I broke down in tears when he told me, but he explained. How can I deny him something he feels he was called to do?”
“He’s so much like his dad.” I grab her hand and squeeze it. “We are lucky to have men like them in our lives.”
“We are.” She tucks her hair behind her ear. “I’m hoping maybe we can help each other get through the scary times.”
“I’d like that. He’s going to need us to be strong.”
She sighs dreamily, “He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
I wrap my arm around her shoulders, guiding us back to the table. Kaden and Westin smile in unison when they see us together.
Westin leans in close as I sit down. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “I think so.”
He smiles, pressing a light kiss to my temple.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
April
Angrily, I swipe at the toilet paper roll, staring at the pink tinge in my panties.
This is good. I mean, I wasn’t ready to be a mom anyway.
Knock. Knock.
“Teresa and I are going to go drop that stuff off at the thrift store and then pick up a few pizzas. Did you need anything from town?” Kaden yells from the other side of door. He’s home for a couple of weeks. Today we’ve been going through David’s things.
“No, thank you. I’m good.” I stand up, flushing the toilet.
I study my reflection in the mirror as I wash my hands. I’ve gained weight since David found me at the compound. Not unwanted weight, I needed every bit of it. Surely, it will help with getting pregnant. Not that I wanted to be but….
My finger runs under my eye. What if my time in the basement somehow made me sterile? I was severely malnourished when they found me.
“Everything okay in there?” Jeff hollers.
“Yeah.” I open the door to find him leaning against the wall.
“You good?” He scratches his head. “I’m sure today was hard.”
I look past him into my bedroom which is much emptier without David’s things. I nod, stepping around him. He follows me into my room.
“Can I ask you a work-related question?” I ask as I busy myself rearranging the beauty products on my dresser.
“Sure,” he shrugs, sitting down on the bed behind me.
“Would malnutrition make a woman, I mean someone, infertile?”
He’s quiet, I don’t turn around, patiently waiting for his response. “Once the person was fully recovered, it would be highly unlikely to affect a woman… I mean… someone’s fertility.
I let out a long breath of relief.
“Are you… are you wanting to have a baby?” he asks cautiously.
“No.” I turn around, leaning against the dresser. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
He pats the bed. I accept his offer and sit down beside him.
“Why don’t you make an appointment with one of my colleagues and let them do a complete work up.”
“Do you think something could be wrong with me?” My bottom lip trembles on its own.
“April,” he places his finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. “I don’t think anything is wrong. Why do you? Do you have a concern with your health?”
Warmth rushes to my cheeks.
“I’m a doctor. I’ve heard it all. What is it? Are your periods irregular? Are you having any pain? Please, just tell me.”
“No. I just… well… okay.” I stop, sucking in a deep breath. “Westin and I, well, we didn’t think about protection one night and I was thinking I might be pregnant, but I just started my period so…”
“That doesn’t mean you can’t get pregnant; it just means you didn’t this time. I’m sure you’re fine, but I think you should make an appointment. Just a checkup.”
I nod, wringing my hands together. “Um, could you tell me what that would entail.”
He takes my hands in his. “Yes.”
Jeff tells me everything that would happen during the exam. He told me I should have been having them already. I guess I didn’t think it was necessary. I wasn’t worried about getting pregnant.
I assure him I’ll set something up with his colleague next week right before Teresa and Kaden walk in.
After supper, Kaden decides to head back into town to visit a few friends. He asked if I wanted to go along but I told him I was going to go down to the pier and sit for a bit. As soon as he pulls out of the driveway, I text Westin.
Me: Meet me at the pier?
Westin: See you there.
I get there first, so I sit down and lean my back against a wooden post, staring out over the ocean. It never gets old. This is where I was meant to be. A smile forms on my face when I hear Westin’s footsteps, I turn my face to watch him approach. The grin he gives me in return lifts my mood.
“Hey.” He sits down beside me, immediately wrapping his hand around mine.
“I’ve missed you,” I tell him.
“How have things been going?” he asks, his eyes roaming over my face.
“Good. We finished up today.”
He frowns. “Something’s wrong.”
His words instantly make my throat tighten. “I started my period today.”
Westin’s expression remains neutral. But his sea green eyes dig into mine, trying to decipher my feelings.
I turn away from him, taking in yet another spectacular sunset.
His arm slides along my shoulders as the first tear escapes my traitorous eyes. “It’s okay, April. It just wasn’t time.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m so sad,” I say tearfully, brushing my palm over my cheeks.
“Because you wanted it to happen, and it didn’t.”
“It’s too soon anyway and we aren’t even married. I shouldn’t have wanted it to happen,” I say angrily. I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at myself for being so stupid. We haven’t even known each other a full year. Oh, and then there’s the fact that I’m newly widowed. It was a stupid dream.
“Look at me.”
Reluctantly, I meet his eyes, expecting a scowl but that’s not what is there. There is a hardness in the green of his eyes, not in anger or irritation but in determination.
“We will have a baby, April. I’m going to give you as many babies as you’re willing to have. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you feel bad about wanting one. You will be an amazing mother and I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure you feel good about it when it does happen.”
I start to cry, and he pulls me into his chest, tightly. “We have time, April. But it’s okay to feel disappointed and sad. It’s okay.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
April
The next month flies by. Westin and I have been working hard on setting up David’s foundation. I’m so excited about it. All the money we raise is going to be used to help victims of violent crimes. The whole family has been helping. Giles will also be playing a big role in the foundation once it’s established.
We’ve spent many late nights in the studio working on our album, Inevitable. Westin has brought in a few friends from the industry to help us. We want to make sure it’s perfect. It’s been a lot of work, but we’ve had so much fun together.
So, you’re probably wondering about Westin and me on a more personal level. Well, that has been going great as well. We decided to use protection. For now.
Our love making has been, um, well it’s explosive. We can’t keep our hands off each other. Which has made working so closely together pure joy and sheer agony in equal parts.
David loved me slow and tender. He helped me get past all my insecurities. Westin loves me fast and hard. He doesn’t hold back and neither do I. In a way, Westin is finishing what David started. I’m finally letting go and let me tell you… I could get used to this.
Lately, he’s been hinting that he wants me to move in with him. I don’t know if I’m ready for that. It took me eight months just to be able to pack up David’s clothing. And then there’s the fact David bought the beach house for me. I don’t know if can leave it behind.
Lucky is whining for her ball that rolled under the bed. I lean down, pulling out a few boxes to get to it. The minute I pull it out, she takes it from me and hops back out to the living room to roll it around on the wood floors.
I’m shoving everything back under the bed when I stop on the basket of letters. I’ve been so busy with the foundation that I haven’t thought much about them. I pick up the last one.
The Final Goodbye
My heart clenches painfully. At times, the wound still feels fresh. This is one of those times. When should I read it?
Now. I could read it now. But am I ready?
There’s something in the envelope. It’s lumpy which really intrigues me. What could it be?
I decide to run a bath and grab a bottle of wine for the occasion. Yes, the whole bottle. No glass required. Westin is out of town, finalizing the details on a few songs he’s selling. So, it’s just me. This is as good a time as any.
I settle my head back against the tub, then dry my hands and reach for the letter. I run my finger under the seam, tears falling before I even read the words. Sometimes these letters heal and other times it’s like picking at a scab, reopening old wounds.
Pulling out the letter first, I set the envelope back on the counter.
Dearest April,
If only I could write enough letters to last a lifetime. But I’m afraid this is the last one I have in me.
I said everything I needed to say while I was there. You know how much I love you. That is not the point of this letter.
The sand in our hourglass is running low. Unfortunately, I cannot turn it over with you. That’s not how it works. It’s time for you and Westin to turn it over together. But there is no way of knowing how much sand you’ll get. So, don’t waste one single granule. If you’re reading this, you’re ready. Don’t hold back. Don’t wait for a single thing. It’s not too soon.
You’ve been dreaming of a family, like the one you watched while hiding in the trees as a little girl… it doesn’t have to be a dream. It’s within your grasp. You just have to have the courage to claim what was always meant to be yours.
