All Your Firsts Without Me, page 6
“Of course, silly.” I look away from David’s name. “Have fun with your friends.”
“All right. I love you, April. Have a good night.”
“Love you too, bye.”
When the phone disconnects, I hang my head low in shame. When I glance up, the cold stone mocks me with its hard stare. “Shut up,” I tell it. “This is my life, and this is the way I want to live it.”
Hugging myself, I curl up in a little ball, listening to the cricket’s chirp as the sun goes down. Suddenly, it doesn’t feel like David’s here with me. He’s slipping away. I have to hang on.
No, he’s here.
He’s right here.
I close my eyes, falling asleep with my hands gripped tightly in the grass.
CHAPTER TEN
Giles
My hand blindly searches the nightstand, to shut the blaring noise of my alarm clock off. I blink my eyes open, wiping sleep away with one hand as my other continues to search. Shit, it’s two am.
My wife stirs. “It’s your phone, dummy.” She rolls over, hiking the blanket up over her head to drown out the sound.
Shit, it’s the station. I’ve been retired for the past year, but they still call every now and then, for advice. It makes me feel good. Needed. I grab the phone and head into the bathroom.
“Hello,” I answer gruffly, trying to clear my throat.
“Hey, Giles, sorry to bother you so late,” Chief Brady says.
“No problem. What’s up?” I stare in the mirror, turning the water on, cupping my hand under the stream to get a drink.
“We have a situation and I thought you would be the best person to defuse it.” He pauses, a deep sigh following. I stand up straight. “It’s April.”
“I’ll be right there,” I say, already hurrying to find my clothes.
“Don’t come here. Head out to the cemetery. They’ll meet you at the gate.”
“Goddammit,” I rasp.
“Giles, if you or she need anything, you let me know.”
“Yeah. Shit. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Good luck.”
“Yeah.” I stare at my phone as it goes dark.
When I get to the gates, two officers are leaning against their car conversing with a tall, thin man.
“Howdy boys,” I greet as I get out of my car.
“Sorry to bother you, sir, but we didn’t want to scare her and since… well, we thought it would be best if someone she knows wakes her.”
April’s car is parked a few feet away, but I don’t see her in there. The man standing with them holds his hand out to me. “My name is Randall, I’m the groundskeeper here.” He shakes my hand.
“Giles. It’s nice to meet you,” I say, my eyes darting around, looking for April.
“She’s up there,” he tells me, pointing towards my partner’s grave. He shoves his hands in his pocket, rocking back on his heels. “The first night I found her here, I thought she would sit awhile and leave. No one’s supposed to be here after dusk, but I knew her story, who she was, so I let her be. But then she came back the next evening, and the next, and then I realized she was staying out here all night. I wouldn’t have let it go on this long but…” He rubs his hand over his forehead.
I nod. “No, I understand. I’ll get her.”
Fuck. This isn’t good.
One of the officers offers me his flashlight. “We’ll wait.”
Blowing out a long breath, I make my way to her. I stand there for a moment, watching her sleep. Her knuckles are white from gripping the grass. It’s like she’s afraid of falling off the world, clinging to it for dear life.
Crouching down next to her, I lightly brush the hair away from her face. “April.” She blinks at me slowly, then her eyebrows pull together.
“Giles?” she asks, confused.
“It’s me, sweetheart.”
She sits up quickly, smoothing her hands through her hair. Her cheeks turn pink. “Oh, I must have fallen asleep.” She stands in a hurry, her body swaying to the side as she catches a head rush from the swift movement.
I grab her elbow to steady her. “Slow down, girl. It’s okay.”
Her eyes slide to the headlights back at the gate. “Am I in trouble?”
“No, honey, you’re not in trouble, but you can’t stay here. They have a no visitors after dusk policy.”
“Oh,” she squeaks. “I wasn’t… it was an accident.” She scoops up her stuff, ready to head to the car. I know it wasn’t an accident, but I don’t want to have that discussion here. I need to get her home. We get a few steps away before she stops dead in her tracks.
I tug on her arm, lightly. “Come on, April, we have to go.”
Her teeth sink into her bottom lip as she hugs her pillow and blanket to her chest. She looks back at David’s stone. “I can’t.”
I look up at the dark sky, praying for patience. Come on man, help me out here. Your girl needs to go home.
“Have you been reading his letters?”
Her head snaps my way. “What?”
“His letters. He wrote them to help you through this.”
“I… I don’t want to waste them. I’m saving them.”
My shoulders drop. “April, you know he would be pissed if he knew you’d been sleeping out here every night. It’s cold and it’s not safe.”
“It’s not safe anywhere,” she whispers.
“You’re ignoring the biggest part of what I said. He wouldn’t want you here.” I place my hands on my hips, waiting for her.
“He’s not here?” She tips her head.
I don’t know if she’s asking or telling, so I repeat her words back to her. “He’s not here, sweetheart.”
Her eyes shoot to me and I know in that second, I’ve got bigger problems on my hands than just getting her out of here. They’re glassed over, stormy, sad… devastated.
“He’s not here,” she repeats, shaking her head. Then she backs up, almost tripping on a stone.
“April,” I warn.
“He’s not here,” she says again, taking another step back.
The officers notice what is going on and slowly make their way around, positioning themselves behind her. She’s focused on me though and doesn’t notice.
“He left me. Everyone leaves me,” she says staring past my shoulder. “He left me, and it’s dark and cold.” She releases her hold on the bedding in her arms, hugging herself. “He fucking left me alone.”
My eyebrows pop up. I’ve never heard April curse. I hold my hand up to let the officers know to stand down. “He didn’t want to.”
Her gaze rolls back to me. She takes another step back, then another.
“April, it’s okay. You’re not alone.” I match her step for step.
She shakes her head, looking down at her feet, when she sees she is stepping on someone’s grave she jumps to the side.
It breaks my heart to see her this way. Her eyes are blank and wild like the first time I saw her when she was trapped in that basement. She starts to shake her hands out in front of her, she’s fixing to run. I know it’s not to get away from me. She wants to flee from her own heart. It’s breaking. I think it’s just now sinking in that David is gone.
I take another step towards her and she runs. She doesn’t get far before she bounces off the chest of one of the officers. He gently grabs her by the arms to steady her, and then he releases her, spreading his arms wide to let her know he means no harm. Everyone in the department knew David. We’re all mourning his loss. He was the best of the best.
Her eyes dance frantically over his uniform. She covers her mouth with both hands. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers. Then she notices the dirt on her hands. “Oh, god.”
“April, it’s okay, sweetie. You’re not in trouble. Let’s go to the car,” I encourage.
“I’m sorry,” she says again to the officer. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. We just want to make sure you’re safe. No harm done,” he replies, his smile warm and calming.
Her eyes roam over his uniform again, pausing over his badge. She doubles over and groans in agony. His uniform is reminding her of him. Then she starts to sob uncontrollably. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and guide her back to the car, helping her gently into the passenger seat.
One of the young officers offers to follow us in my car.
“That would be great. Thank you.”
He nods as I place my keys in his hand.
When I get in the driver seat of April’s car, my legs are immediately cramped. “Good grief, April. How short are your legs?”
She glances over, tears streaming down her face. “David, always used to say I had little alligator legs,” she hiccups before wailing even louder than before.
I run my hand down my face. I was only trying to lighten the mood. Jesus, I’m a dumb fuck sometimes.
Okay, we planned for this. I send David’s brother-in-law a text telling him to meet me at the house. He texts back right away letting me know he is on the way.
She cries silently in the seat next to me the entire way back to her house. I notice the back seat is full of stuff. Shit, has she been living out of her car at the damn cemetery?
“April, talk to me, honey.”
She sniffles, resting her head on the back of the seat. “It hurts too much. Everything hurts. Living hurts.”
When we pull up to the house and she spots Jeff, she covers her face, embarrassed.
“It’s going to be okay.”
She shakes her head back and forth. “Please don’t tell Kaden.”
“I only called Jeff.”
Jeff walks towards the car and opens her door. He crouches down beside her. “Hey, hon, what’s going on?”
“Why don’t we talk inside,” I tell him.
He nods, reaching in and helping her out.
Once inside, she tries to pull herself together, but the tears continue to stream down her face. “Can I get you both something to drink?” she asks, hurrying to the kitchen to busy herself.
Jeff stops her. “April, we’re fine. Sit down. I’ll get you some water.” He heads to the fridge.
She lowers herself onto the couch, curling up the minute she sinks in. I take the seat across from her. “Can I tell Jeff what happened?” I ask.
Her bottom lip slips between her teeth as she nods, then she quickly tucks her head between her knees.
Jeff sits down beside her, placing an arm along the back of the couch in a protective gesture. She refuses the water, so he sets it on the table.
I relay to him what I know.
He nods, listening calmly. Every now and then he glances at her, but she hasn’t moved. Her face is still tucked away safely, her tiny body shaking as she continues to sob.
“I’m going to go home now, April. You can call me anytime, okay?” She gives me a tiny wave but doesn’t look up. I know even that small gesture took monumental effort from her.
Jeff walks me out. “Teresa and I knew something was wrong. We’ve stopped by every day this week and she’s never here. I guess now we know where she’s been.”
“She asked me not to tell Kaden. I’m sure she doesn’t want to worry him or disrupt his studies.”
Jeff pinches the bridge of his nose. “Jesus, I know David had a plan but…”
I pat him on the back. “Time. She just needs time.”
He nods, takes a deep breath, and turns to head back inside.
Without David here the world feels empty. I can’t imagine what she must be going through. She depended on him for so much. As much as I hate to admit, I agree with Jeff… I don’t know if this plan of his is going to work. I don’t know if she’ll ever be ready to meet someone new. I raise my face to the stars twinkling against the inky sky. “Goddamn, I miss you, friend.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
April
I haven’t been back to the cemetery since that night. I’m embarrassed to say the least. And yet I’m not. Teresa and Jeff have both been staying with me for the past few weeks. He gave me something to help me sleep the first couple of nights.
I’m not sure how much time passed, but they tell me I cried for three days straight. The only thing that made me stop was the threat of them taking me to the hospital. They didn’t actually threaten me. But I overhead them, between sobs. So, I had no choice but to pull myself together. I can’t be locked away. No. I can’t let that happen.
“You sure you’re going to be okay tonight?” Teresa asks.
“Yes,” I plaster on my fake smile. “You two have done too much already. I… I need to do this on my own at some point. I’m fine. Really.” I squeeze her hands in mine as she gazes at me warily.
I wave to them as they drive away.
The loneliness sinks in almost immediately. It’s like stepping away from a fire in autumn. The chill instantly seeps in. I kick a rock, thinking about opening a letter. I still haven’t read one. It’s silly. I know there are so many, it’s not like I’ll run out anytime soon, but…
Instead of reading a letter, I sit down in the closet, still full of his clothes. I leave the light off and pull the door closed, settling back between his shoes. I reach up and tug one of his shirts off the hanger, pulling it to my nose.
I want to bury myself in your chest and listen to your beating heart. I want your hands teasing across my skin at the small of my back. I want the rumble of your voice.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
My throat tightens and I fight the urge to run to the cemetery. To stare at his name. To lie on his grave.
He was the glue that held all my broken bits together. And each time a piece of me started to fall off, he glued it back together with his warm hands and calm voice. Now, I have nothing. Just things. I need him. I need him. I need him.
My hand runs along the wall, finding the shoe box I tucked in the back corner under an old suitcase. I pull it onto my lap. I’ve hidden the key to the other side in here. He will be mad that I’ve batted out of order as he likes to call it, but….
I pull the lid off, digging inside for the pills I’d hidden. My fingers don’t find what I’m looking for. Instead, I find a single sheet of paper.
My fist pounds into the soft carpet beside me. He knew. Of course, he knew.
From the moment I met David, he saw me. He could predict my every move. It was comforting. He loved me unconditionally. Flaws and all.
Everyone saw a girl in the basement. I’m sure I was a fascinating specimen. But he saw more than that. He saw me. And believe me it couldn’t have been easy. I had buried myself so far down, I don’t know if the devil or God himself could have found me.
I grip the letter in my hand and push the closet door open, crawling out and climbing up on the bed. Lying on my stomach, I read the letter he left in my escape box.
Baby,
I know it hurts but this is not the way to handle it. You know that. But here we are. So, we will get through this together, yeah? Okay, first of all, go make a cup of hot chocolate. I bought the kind you like with the little colored marshmallows. It’s in the pantry, second shelf to the left. When that’s done, take it and this letter to the couch.
First the coffee, now this? But I do what he says because it almost feels like he’s here.
With a steaming cup and the letter, I settle on the couch.
I take a sip, a big breath, and continue.
Good. Now, let’s talk. Have you been reading my other letters? No. Hmm. Why not? You know you can save them and read them over and over as many times as needed, right? The letters were the only way I knew to soothe your hurt. Please read them. Please let me help you.
I’m not disappointed in you either. Losing someone hurts. If this were the other way around, I know I would feel the same. But I’m glad it’s not. You are young. So young. Please live. If that’s all you can do right now is live, that is okay. Just don’t bat out of order. That, little diamond, is an order.
I smile, a little flutter erupting in my belly at his words.
Okay, so now I want you to turn on the TV and don’t roll your eyes at me. Trust me.
I flick the television on.
This is to remind you that there is life beyond our little abode. It’s noise. It will help… for now. Find something to watch and breathe. Just drink your cocoa and breathe. It’s okay.
One day at a time. Just get through today. Okay?
I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here waiting for you. No hurry. No rush. Just breathe.
Promise me, April. Promise me you will remember to breathe.
Love forever and a day,
David
I’m crying. Always crying. But I take a breath, then another, and another.
He’s right. I have to go on.
My eyes eventually find the television as my cup runs dry. Maybe I’ll have just one more and then try to get some sleep.
As I’m settling down with my second cup, the news comes on. I watch, thinking about life outside these walls. It’s going on, not missing a beat. It’s not fair. The world should have stopped when he did. I’m about to shut it off when a segment comes on and there in the lap of a woman is a little brown and white dog. He’s shaking. Scared.
I frown as I turn the volume up. The news anchor smiles, leaning over to pet him but he shies away.
The camera zooms in on his collar. A little silver butterfly dangles under his chin. I tip my head. No, it’s not a boy, it’s a girl. Her name is engraved on the shiny piece of metal. Lucky.
“A state trooper found Lucky on the side of Highway 10. He thought she was dead.” The lady scratches Lucky’s ear. “She’s quite the fighter. She’s been with us a year now, but we haven’t given up hope on finding her a forever home. She’s missing a leg but that doesn’t slow her down.” The lady lifts the little dog and sure enough she’s missing a back leg.
