Disappeared, page 19
Lily didn’t need her over there. Rhys was staying over and she’d only be in the way. So she sat by the fire after Dilys had gone to bed and watched the flames for answers. It was long past midnight when the last of them died down and she noticed the chill growing in her limbs, forcing her up.
She went to the phone in the hall and, with cold fingers, entered the code to hide her own number and dialled. It would go to voicemail. He always had his phone on silent after 9 p.m. It had that setting that if you called a couple of times in quick succession, you could override that, but she had no intention of calling more than once.
To her utter shock, after four rings, the phone was answered.
‘Hello,’ the groggy voice said, and then sharper, ‘Hello?’
She couldn’t speak. She hadn’t heard Gavin’s voice for months and the last time she had, he’d been telling her what a failure she was as a human being. Bitter words, vitriol dropping from every syllable.
All those years of marriage and now she had no idea what to say to him.
‘Cerys?’ he asked with a crack in his voice. ‘Cerys, is that you? If it is, please speak to me. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’ The words tumbled out fast, so fast she could hardly make out what he was saying and she couldn’t process them. ‘Please tell me you’re all right. Please come home. We all miss you. Please? Cerys?’
She couldn’t stand it any longer and she put the phone down quickly, her heart pounding in her chest so hard that it made her feel sick. She’d thought it would be safe at this time of night and he wouldn’t answer and she could just leave a message. She hadn’t planned that he’d have taken night mode off and actually picked up.
She went back into the cold kitchen and sat with her head in her hands. What on earth was she going to do now?
48
Cerys was strangely quiet and distracted the next morning as Lily got ready for work. ‘You’re not cross that Rhys is staying for a couple of days, are you?’ Lily asked her anxiously as he was in the shower. ‘Because I can tell him to go.’
She shook her head tiredly. ‘Not at all. No, it’s nice he’s here spending some time with you. The more the merrier, after all, and he’s a good man. I’m just tired.’
The age-old excuse for everything when you’re too weary to talk, or too heartsore. Lily wasn’t convinced and eyed her suspiciously. She’d used that excuse too many times herself to believe in at face value. But Cerys smiled at Rhys when he emerged and didn’t seem cross with him at all, so perhaps it wasn’t that.
He wasn’t in work that day or on call, which is why he’d chosen to spend a few days up here getting some fresh air and exercise but, first of all, she was getting pampered by being driven to work and dropped off. He popped in ten minutes later with a deli sandwich in a bag for her from the shop up the road. ‘In case you don’t get a chance,’ he said and blew her a kiss as he left.
She was a little jittery that day. Since she’d had the phone, she’d started obsessing about the police hunt for her and Drew, and she tracked it on her phone when she had breaks. She hadn’t looked last night because Rhys was there but when she got a short break between clients today, she searched up the latest on the missing persons case.
When she read it, she wished she hadn’t. Maybe it was better to know but it certainly didn’t feel that way when she saw how he was twisting the truth. Anyone who saw her or Drew was urged to contact the police as soon as possible. Danny was starting court proceedings to get custody because he was so worried about them.
She knew what Rhys would say, that it was all bluff, but it didn’t feel that way when you were seeing his lying face plastered all over the media. You don’t tell them how you burned me to punish me, how you raped me, how you completely controlled every aspect of my life until I felt like nothing, she snarled inside. Tell them that, Danny. Tell the truth for once. But the danger was that Rhys was wrong. After all, he hadn’t met Danny so he didn’t know how plausible he was.
She did. She’d fallen for it all, after all, so nobody knew better than her how he could lie and make you believe every word of it. He was clever like that, maybe not so much in other ways, but he was cunning at getting people to trust him and believe what he chose to make them believe.
It was only now with Cerys and Rhys teaching her that she understood how wrong her relationship with Danny had been. That wasn’t love, Danny. Love doesn’t treat people like that. I know that now, she thought as she glared at his apparently worried face on the screen. ‘You go to hell!’ And she turned her phone off.
She was agitated today anyway without this. She and Rhys had talked last night after Drew was in bed.
‘You’re going to have to tell them soon,’ he’d said. ‘You can’t keep up this deception about Drew being a boy for much longer. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be for Cerys to understand why you didn’t tell her before.’
‘I just can’t bear for her to hate me.’
‘She won’t hate you. She’ll understand when you explain, but I think you need to tell her about Danny too, or maybe it won’t make so much sense.’
Lily curled her knees up to her chest on the sofa. ‘I don’t want her to know what he did to me. It makes me feel so dirty.’
He shook his head in amazement. ‘Why? The last thing you should feel about that is dirty. He’s the scumbag. He’s the one who should feel like filth, not you.’
But he’d humiliated her so much. What she remembered was how he made her feel like she was nothing, like she was never going to be worth anything and this was all she deserved. He’d called her a whore often enough when he hurt her that the feeling was burned into her like that lighter had been.
How could she tell Cerys all that? She’d not told Rhys all of it – he’d worked out most and it was better that he didn’t know the rest. The part he knew made him mad enough. She’d learned to block out thoughts of Danny when she was with Rhys, and that helped her be ‘normal’ around him, or as normal as she could get right now. He was patient though, was Rhys, and he understood that sometimes she acted strangely and she needed time to learn a new way to be. Miraculously, or so she still thought of it, he didn’t seem to mind any of that. He just seemed happy with her the way she was, however that was.
He was right though about Cerys and about Drew. And it was for Drew’s sake that she needed to find the courage. She didn’t think she could have done it for any other reason, but she would walk through fire for her daughter and so tonight she’d find some bravery and do it.
‘Oh, Cerys, please don’t hate me,’ she whispered and then another client came in and she could put her fears to one side until later and focus on her work instead.
They ate at the farmhouse that night, all of them. Cerys had made a huge bowl of stew. Rhys was starving as he’d been out walking that day, and she’d picked up fresh bread from the bakery on the way home. His eyes lit at the sight of it. ‘That smells so good,’ he groaned, as he fidgeted around by the table while Cerys finished thickening the stew.
‘You’ll need to feed him soon or he’ll be starting on the chair leg,’ Dilys cackled. She looked much brighter than she had in days. It was the company, perhaps, Lily thought. She looked like she enjoyed the kitchen being full of noise and life. Like a family, Lily thought with a smile. An odd motley family who shouldn’t fit at all but who had found each other somehow. A better family than any pretence of one she’d ever had. And one where she was learning what family really meant. That mattered so much to her, both for herself, because it made her feel safe and happy, and for Drew because she deserved that kind of childhood, the kind Lily had never had.
She looked around as they all sat down over the meal, Dilys laughing as Drew screwed her face up at proper stew and Cerys splodged some ketchup in to encourage her. ‘It’s disgusting,’ she said, ‘but it works and it’s not the worst thing for them.’ Yes, they were a little family together and it made her feel snug and safe like the stew inside. Whatever happened, she would always have these memories and a new knowledge of how life could be.
Should be.
She volunteered to help Cerys wash up after dinner and plucked up the courage to shepherd Dilys off into the sitting room in front of the TV with the promise of something called a hot toddy. She had no idea what that was but Cerys did and, as usual, saved the day.
‘I’ve got something to tell you,’ she confessed as she put the stew pot in to soak before she gave it a good scrub.
‘What’s that?’ Cerys asked, drying a plate and smiling encouragingly.
Lily took a deep breath. ‘Sammy isn’t really Sammy,’ she said.
‘Oh, I guessed that,’ Cerys replied. ‘I thought you might have changed your names. I don’t know why – just an instinct. Like why you dye his hair brown.’
‘You know about that?’
‘Not at first,’ she said with a laugh. ‘But you can’t spend as much time with him as I do without noticing the roots occasionally and then see them disappear. And it’s easy for you, in your trade. I must say you do a very good job on him. It took me quite a while to realise. I did wonder if you’d changed yours too?’
‘Yeah, it used to be much longer, to my waist, and highlighted – balayage – and it was beautiful – but I lopped half of it off and covered the highlights up,’ Lily said miserably because she knew, though Cerys didn’t, that there was much worse than some hair dye to come. ‘And what did you think about me dying Sammy’s hair?’
‘I thought you had your reasons, cariad. I don’t know what those are but I do know you love that boy and that’s the most important thing for me to know.’
‘He’s not a boy,’ Lily blurted out.
Cerys stopped as she reached to put a plate in the rack above the draining board. ‘What?’
‘Sammy’s a girl,’ Lily said, staring at her feet because she couldn’t bear to meet Cerys’s eyes. ‘Her name’s Drew.’
Cerys put down the tea towel. ‘Well! Okay, I didn’t guess that!’ She sounded every bit as shocked as Lily had expected. Of course she did – how else could she feel. ‘Wow! Drew!’
‘I’m sorry,’ Lily said in a small voice. ‘Are you mad?’
‘No, no,’ Cerys replied but she did sound disappointed. ‘I just don’t quite know how to get my head round that.’
‘I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how.’
‘No, I can see that. It is awkward. I’m struggling to process it a bit.’ She gave a strained laugh and there was no humour in it.
‘Do you hate me now?’ Lily asked.
‘No, of course not, I just wish you’d told me before. What made you decide to tell me now?’
‘Rhys said I needed to before it went on any longer and I made it worse. I wanted to tell you, but there was never a right time and then it had gone on too long.’ She found the courage to raise her eyes to Cerys’s. ‘What I dreaded the most was telling you and you hating me or being disappointed. You’ve done so much for me and I couldn’t stand to let you down. And that’s why I haven’t told you, which is stupid because that just made it worse and more likely you’d be disappointed.’ She held her hands up in despair. ‘But I’m not very bright, you know, and I’m often too scared of everything to see a way out so I avoid and make it all worse. You’ve helped me see that I do that but I haven’t found a way to stop doing it yet.’
Cerys gave a rueful smile. ‘You’ll get there! You’re not doing half as badly as you think you are, but I know why that is and you’re right, it’ll take a long time to re-learn those patterns. But you will! I’m glad you felt you could tell Rhys though, even if you couldn’t tell me.’
Lily scratched her nose with her arm, hands still covered in suds from the washing-up. ‘Well, I didn’t. Not really. He’s always known.’
Light dawned on Cerys’s face. ‘Of course! The hospital. He would have examined her. Good grief, didn’t you get some trouble over that?’
‘Nearly,’ she admitted. ‘He was about to call the police and social services, and he knew we’d given fake names. So I had to tell him why. I didn’t have a choice.’ She sighed heavily. ‘He says I should tell you and then you’ll understand how I got into this mess and why I kept it a secret for so long.’
‘And do you want to tell me?’
‘Yes and no. I know you will understand but—’ Her face crumpled. ‘I hate talking about it. It makes me feel disgusting and dirty and—’
Cerys dropped the tea towel and went and put her arms around Lily’s shoulders. ‘You know what? We’ll finish this later. I’ll check on Dilys and make sure she’s okay and then I want you to tell me everything. It might feel horrible to start with but, I promise you, you’ll feel better afterwards to have it all out in the open.’
49
‘After Drew was born, he got much worse,’ Lily said. She could see Cerys flinch as if what had gone before wasn’t bad enough, so she stopped.
‘No, go on,’ Cerys said grimly. ‘I’ve only got to listen to it; you have to live it, so don’t spare my sensibilities.’
Lily felt that swift barb of shame she always felt when having to admit to what her life was. Even if others were to blame for some of it, she’d still let them.
‘The first time he really hit me was after Drew was born. He wanted sex and I didn’t feel like it. I was still sore and it just didn’t feel right. So he slapped me and I was so shocked, I let him do it then. After that, he made it clear I didn’t have a choice and I should never have dared say no to him. He was careful not to leave any marks where health visitors would see but you don’t have to leave marks to hurt someone. And I had a baby – I had no choice any more. I had to stay.’
‘I understand,’ Cerys said.
‘I should have known before. I did really but he was more careful at first. It was only really after Drew that it got very bad, when he knew I was stuck. And even then, while I was still getting check-ups, he didn’t go too far. The worst part was when his mother visited from Spain because she wanted to see Drew and she hated me. I couldn’t do anything right around her and he got worse after that too. Like he was more ashamed of me and who I am. He said he didn’t tell her anything about me, but that she could spot it a mile off. I think that might have been true and I felt so dirty. It was after she left that this started happening.’ She showed Cerys the scars on her stomach.
Cerys’s hand flew to her mouth. ‘Oh dear God! Why?’
‘He looked at me differently after his mother came. Started saying mean things about me wanting to be with other men because that’s what I was like and he’d put a stop to it. So he did this so they wouldn’t want me. Not all at once. Over time, whenever I annoyed him.’
‘And does Rhys know this?’ Cerys asked.
She nodded. ‘He says the scars don’t matter to him.’
‘Of course they don’t,’ Cerys said with feeling. ‘Only a twisted mind like your ex’s would think they would.’
‘I feel dirty,’ Lily said. ‘I always feel dirty. Not just because of what I did when I was a lot younger. Mostly because of him.’
She was not going to cry, Lily told herself. She would not cry over Danny. Not any more.
What she needed to focus on was what he was up to right now. With a nationwide hunt on for her and her face blasted all over the media, it was just a question of time before somebody spotted her and called the police. Especially as she couldn’t keep Drew hidden as a boy much longer. It wasn’t fair to her. Up until now the little girl had treated it much as an elaborate game but it couldn’t carry on. But what would she do then? He was trying to get a judge to rule in her absence that she had to return Drew.
She might have to run again and leave everything she’d found here behind because she would not let that happen. If Danny got his way and they did rule without her there, then as soon as she was found, Drew would be taken from her. Her time was nearly up – she’d have to do something soon.
50
Cerys was sick to her stomach at the thought of what Lily had been through. And honestly, if that man had been in the room now, she’d have smacked him in the face as she might have done had it been Katie in Lily’s position. Actually no, scratch that – if a man treated Katie that way she would tear him limb from limb with her bare hands. She was mad enough for Lily though, and the girl had been through so much already. But that was the point, wasn’t it? Men like him preyed on girls like her because they were vulnerable and could be conned into thinking they needed them, and that this was how things had to be. They hadn’t had that sense of self-worth to let them walk away at the first sign of this coercive hell.
It was the casual cruelty that most sickened her, the violence, which he clearly enjoyed as so much of it wasn’t done in temper or loss of control. He liked what he was doing.
Bastard!
She hoped to God she’d given Katie enough self-confidence and security and a strong enough self-worth that she’d never let a man like Danny near her. And to think she’d complained about Gavin and his neglect. As infuriating and destructive as his indifference had been, he looked like an angel next to a man like this.
‘You have nothing to feel dirty about,’ she told Lily. ‘Not one thing, do you hear me? I am telling you as a mother. Now I might not be yours but—’
‘You’re the closest I’ve got,’ Lily said, red-eyed. ‘And better than the real one ever was.’
Her words packed a punch into the remains of the lingering blackness that lived inside of Cerys.
‘Do you understand, Lily? You never accept a man treating you like that ever again.’
‘I do,’ she said falteringly, ‘because I have Drew and that’s what I want for her.’
