Disappeared, page 13
Cerys stole away for ten minutes to herself after the turkey was safely in the oven, basting in butter. There was a hole in her heart today. She’d done a good job of stoppering it day after day, but this was too much. This was a day when they might all have been home together.
And then they might not, and it might have been like last year where it was just her and Gavin stepping around each other, not knowing what to do with the silence in the house and between them. All the kids off doing their own things: Katie staying over with a new boyfriend whose family had booked some big parties in over the festive period, and Matt off skiing and Alex spending the day with his new wife’s parents. But God, she missed them today. No matter how much she told herself that this was still stolen time, not real, that wouldn’t wash today.
She couldn’t let the tears out because if she did they wouldn’t stop and then what would happen?
There was no way back. After a week, she might have gone back and been excused. But now, nearly two months had passed and what could she say to them?
I love you. That’s what she wanted to say but those words would seem empty now, and she couldn’t bear to see the disappointment on their faces that she wasn’t the woman they’d always thought her to be.
Better this – her bracketed time. And not to think.
She pulled herself up straight and went back to where she had a job to do.
Danny sat in front of the TV, surfing the channels to ignore the happy family crap. He didn’t need to see that today. His mother had wanted him to go out to Spain and spend Christmas with her but he’d refused. In some way, he’d thought Kayleigh might come back.
She hadn’t.
And now here he was. No wife. No kid.
He’d got some oven-ready stuff in the fridge ready to heat up. He’d even bought extra in case she did turn up.
To think of it made him hot with anger and shame that she’d made a dupe of him this way. Bloody little bitch! Leaving him sitting here like this, alone, waiting for her to come back. She was probably laughing about it.
Straight after Christmas, he was going back to the police. Enough was enough now with their fooling around. His child still hadn’t been found and it was time they stopped messing around and got this on national news.
For today, the best way to deal with it was to get smashed. He cracked open a can of beer and found a war film that was nothing to do with Christmas or kids or families.
It was their worst fear, Katie thought as she looked round the silent lunch table. She and Alex had tried to cobble something together between them. Matt was useless with cooking so they hadn’t even asked him. He’d been delegated to sit with Dad and try to keep him company, though that had been hard going as Dad was in one of those slumps where it was difficult to get anything at all out of him.
Their worst fear – she hadn’t come home for Christmas. And that meant something to all of them. Mum made Christmas and she loved it. If she hadn’t come back now, it was because she couldn’t. It was what they were all thinking as they sat around that table. It was the end of hope. Something must have happened to her.
And what Katie wanted more than anything was to put her cutlery down with a clatter and run upstairs and sob it all out on her bed. But there was no Mum to come after her and comfort her.
She realised for the first time as she sat there, how many times her mother might have felt that way herself and put those feelings aside and carried on as if it was all okay because that’s what the family needed.
Katie had never thought of that before, not until she had to sit there now and try to do what her mum would have. And it was so hard.
She wanted to tell her that. She wanted to hug her and say sorry and she’d never known how tough it was to be a grown-up with all that weight to bear.
But she’d lost her chance.
‘Thank you for your gift,’ Dilys said quietly to Cerys as they left that evening to go back to the cottage.
‘Well, I hope you like the scent,’ Cerys replied with a smile.
‘I wasn’t talking about the toiletries,’ Dilys said. ‘Thank you for your gift.’
And Cerys understood and nodded.
37
Lily arrived back from work after a ridiculously busy day dealing with the ‘January Sale’ at the salon, which was Angharad’s way of offsetting the post-Christmas slump by offering half price on hair colour for the first two weeks after the New Year. Angharad had been to a maternity appointment and felt drained afterwards so Lily had run the place on her own, which would have been fine but Angharad had clients booked in for half the day and she’d had to juggle them all to fit. As it was, she’d run over by an hour. She pulled into the farmyard and turned the engine off in relief. She was starving too as she’d skipped lunch to try to keep up and it was now past six o’clock.
Cerys came out of the cottage but there was no sign of Sammy. Lily frowned, pulling herself out of her fatigue to realise he hadn’t run out to see her as he usually did. Cerys opened the car door.
‘I am so glad you’re back. I’m wavering over calling a doctor.’
‘Sammy?’
‘Yes, he’s running a temperature.’
Lily shot out of the car and ran into the house. Sammy was lying on the sofa, pale and clammy.
‘He’s been struggling all afternoon,’ Cerys said behind her. ‘He’s had Calpol but it’s not bringing the temperature down.’
Lily bent down and scooped him up. His forehead burned against her and he whimpered in discomfort.
‘What do I do?’ she asked Cerys.
For the first time since she’d met Cerys, the older woman looked unsure. ‘We’re not registered at the doctor and it’ll be shut now anyway.’ She bit her lip. ‘I think I’d take him to A&E.’
Lily stared at her in horror. Cerys never flapped so her words filled Lily with dread. My God, was she going to lose Sammy? After everything?
She buried her face in his neck to hide her fear from him.
He craned his neck and whispered in her ear so Cerys couldn’t hear.
When Lily heard what he said, she stiffened and her head shot up. ‘I’ll take him now,’ she said, and she scooped him up in her arms to carry him to the car.
‘I’ll come with you,’ Cerys said, following her to open the door for her.
‘No, no! You stay here!’
Cerys stopped. ‘Lily, are you angry with me for not taking him sooner?’
Lily couldn’t look at her. She couldn’t afford to give anything away and she thought furiously while pretending to concentrate on manoeuvring him through the front door.
‘Of course not! But you can’t leave Dilys alone at night when we don’t know how long I’ll be. I could be ages.’
‘You don’t even know where you’re going though,’ Cerys protested.
And Lily knew how oddly she was behaving. Any other time she’d have been desperate for Cerys to come but she didn’t want Cerys to find out the truth, not like this. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll find it,’ she replied with a brightness that sounded false even to herself.
‘I’m sorry,’ Cerys said as she helped Lily get Sammy into his car seat. ‘It’s probably just a bug but it’s best to get him checked when Calpol hasn’t worked.’
‘Of course, no problem. We’ll be fine, honestly,’ she said, forcing a smile.
‘Hang on, I won’t be a minute,’ Cerys said. ‘Don’t go just yet.’ She rushed off to the farmhouse.
Lily strapped Sammy in and whispered, even though there was nobody to hear. ‘It’s okay, we’ll get some medicine and you’ll feel better soon, then it won’t hurt.’ He shifted uncomfortably in the seat and that pierced her like a spear – this was all her fault.
She hovered for a moment, wondering where Cerys was, and then went to open the gate. Cerys ran out as she was returning to the car and pushed a piece of paper into her hand. ‘Directions to the hospital in Bangor,’ she said. ‘Go down towards the bridge and look out for the signs to the university. If there’re no signs for the hospital, there’s some instructions from Dilys here on how to find it. Be careful, and pull over if you get lost and read these. Oh, I wish you had a phone!’
‘I know,’ Lily replied mournfully. ‘It’s my fault, I should have sorted something long before now. Thanks, Cerys – thanks for looking after him so well.’
‘I’ll have something ready for you to heat up when you get back,’ Cerys said, going to the gate so Lily didn’t have to get out of the car again to close it. Lily could see her waving through her mirror as she trundled down the track, with poor Sammy wincing at every jolt.
They drove off the island and into Bangor. It seemed to take forever to get there and Sammy was so quiet. She kept reaching back to touch the only part of him she could reach, which was his little foot. He slipped his shoe off so she could hold his toes, her hand cuddling them as she drove. He’d always loved that.
She had a brief moment of panic until she saw the signs for the university and then, soon after that, the hospital was signed too. She slowed right down and took her time through the unfamiliar streets. Slow and steady, and she realised she’d learned that from Cerys. For all this mess was completely her fault, she had a moment of pride then that she’d been able to learn something about being a proper grown-up mother.
‘Nearly there, Sammy, soon be feeling better,’ she crooned and again she realised that was what Cerys had taught her. She smiled a little, despite everything. She was getting better at this. At least until now.
The car park was pretty quiet as the hospital was mostly empty now and any evening rush to A&E hadn’t started. Lily eased Sammy out of the car seat and after a moment of watching him try to limp towards the doors, she scooped him up again and carried him.
The double doors parted automatically as they approached and she left the darkness of the car park to enter a too-bright reception area with plastic seats in rows attached to metal frames. Scattered among the seats were a few people already waiting, or perhaps still waiting after several hours. She hoped not.
‘Name?’ the woman on reception asked, barely looking up.
‘Mine or his?’
She did look up at that. ‘Which of you is ill?’ And then she saw Sammy’s pale, pained face. ‘What’s his name?’
‘Sammy.’
She typed that into her computer. ‘Surname?’
Lily paused. ‘White,’ she said uncertainly. The woman didn’t seem to notice.
‘Date of birth?’
Lily swallowed. And added a day and a month on to her reply.
‘Address?’
She gave Dilys’s.
The receptionist frowned. ‘Your GP?’
‘We haven’t got one yet. Only moved up here a few months ago and I’ve been so busy with my new job, I’ve not had chance to register us yet.’
The woman looked up at her as if she was completely stupid. ‘You need to register especially with a child that age. We’re not a replacement for your family doctor, you know.’ And there was an unpleasant edge to her voice. ‘Who was your old GP?’
Lily shifted Sammy in her arms and he moaned. His weight was starting to drag on her arms. ‘I can’t remember the details,’ she said snappily. Let the woman have as good back as she was giving. ‘Can we see a doctor please? He’s four years old and he’s had a temperature for hours. My mother told me to bring him and she knows what she’s doing. If she said he needs to come to hospital, then he does.’
Wow, she was proud of herself for that!
The woman looked at her like she was an unpleasant smell. ‘Sit over there. He’ll be seen as soon as someone is free.’
Lily found a quiet spot where she could arrange Sammy on a seat and he could put his head on her lap and lie down. The knot of fear in her stomach tightened again. They were taking a terrible risk here but he was so sick and it was all her fault that Cerys hadn’t recognised what this was earlier.
She wished she’d had that conversation with Cerys now, the one that she’d decided to have while they were at the Christmas fair. She’d been intending to do it this week but kept putting it off because she was scared to and now this had happened and it was too late. Cerys would have sailed in here and dealt with that receptionist far better but Lily couldn’t afford for her to come tonight and find out like this. She’d hate to see Cerys’s face if she found out that way. Lily would tell her, she would, but not like this. Cerys had done so much for her. She deserved a proper explanation.
She might understand, Lily told herself. If she explained properly, Cerys might just understand why she’d done it and forgive her. But Lily needed the right time and the right place to do it, because there was no coming back and she wasn’t ready for all those questions.
She really hoped they would be quick here. From the faces of some of the people in this waiting area, she wasn’t convinced, though they were all adults so she could only hope a young child would be seen soon.
She stroked Sammy’s hair softly as he lay with his head in her lap. It wasn’t at all like him to be so quiet. He must feel rotten as well as being in pain. They needed to hurry up before he got worse. She knew – even stupid her knew this – that he needed antibiotics for this and the faster he got them, the better he’d recover.
She sat still, with her stomach growling and protesting the longer it went on and poor Sammy shifting in the seat, trying to find some kind of comfort.
It felt like an age before a nurse called them through to a cubicle. ‘Does he see a doctor now?’ she asked.
‘No, I’m triage. I’ll look at him and then he’ll be put in a queue to see the doctor depending on the severity of his symptoms.’
Lily could have screamed but she bit her tongue for Sammy’s sake. The nurse took his temperature and grimaced. ‘No wonder he feels rotten. When did this come on?’
‘Just this afternoon. My mother was looking after him while I was at work. He was fine when I left this morning.’
The nurse frowned. ‘That’s pretty quick, and you said he’s complaining it hurts when he goes to the toilet? Okay, I’ll get a doctor to look at him.’ She smiled and ruffled Sammy’s hair. ‘Shouldn’t be too long, young man, and then we’ll have you feeling yourself again.’ She looked Lily over and nodded. ‘I’ll try to make it quick for you, okay?’
They got to wait in the cubicle, which was a huge relief as Sammy could lie down more comfortably. Lily sat on the chair by Sammy’s bed, stroking his hand while he tried to doze. He wasn’t even hungry, poor lamb.
It took around half an hour before the curtain moved again and a man entered, wearing a stethoscope. ‘Hello, I’m Dr Jones,’ he said with a smile. ‘Dr Rhys Jones, because there’s about four Dr Joneses working here at the moment. Perils of having a common name in Gwynedd, eh?’ He had a lilting accent that reminded Lily of Dilys and Cerys combined, and he had the dark hair and eyes she now knew were often a Welsh feature. She estimated he was only a few years older than her.
‘So who’s this?’ He went to the other side of the bed and grinned down at Sammy. ‘Let’s get you better. What’s your name?’
‘Sammy—’ Lily started to answer for him but Dr Jones held his hand up to stop her.
‘We like them to answer if they can,’ he said in a perfectly non-threatening voice but Lily wasn’t convinced. Maybe it was her paranoia but she didn’t think this doctor was as inoffensively benign as he seemed at the moment. ‘So what’s your name?’ he said again, perching on the edge of the bed.
‘Sammy.’
Lily could hear how unwell he was in his reply but the doctor didn’t seem as concerned.
‘Sammy what?’
Her child looked at her quickly and she knew he couldn’t remember. The doctor caught the look but didn’t comment.
‘And what’s your birthday?’ he asked, ignoring the lack of answer to his previous question.
She winced as Sammy told him the unedited version. She’d known it was a risk coming here but what alternative did she have when he was so sick? She couldn’t have registered him with a local doctor either because they would still have been found out.
The doctor wrote something on his clipboard and turned to her. ‘Shall we have a quick word outside?’ he said. ‘I’ll get a nurse to sit with him.’ Underneath the apparently friendly exterior, she could now see something else. Something that didn’t bode well.
She stood up and drew herself up to her full height. ‘I’d prefer it if we did that after he’s been treated. He’s really not well and I brought him here to get better. Isn’t that the most important thing? The rest can wait.’ She glared at him. It probably wasn’t very impressive but she saw a grudging acknowledgement. No, he was onto her and he didn’t trust her one bit but that was less important now than Sammy getting better.
He sighed thoughtfully. ‘Okay, Sammy, tell me how you’re feeling? Try to give me as much detail as you can, eh, so I can help you?’
He didn’t have a bad manner with a four-year-old but Lily was ready to bet he didn’t have kids of his own yet. But of course, that was to be expected at his age and with a career like this. Little ones didn’t fit well around that.
‘It hurts,’ Sammy said, looking fearfully towards Lily. She nodded to him – it was okay; he needed to tell the doctor.
Again, she saw Dr Jones assessing their silent communication.
‘And where does it hurt?’
Sammy pointed at his pants. ‘When I go for a wee?’
The doctor nodded. ‘And when did it start hurting?’
‘Before today,’ Sammy replied, his face creasing as he tried to think.
‘Before yesterday?’
‘Yes.’
‘Before this week?’
Sammy frowned. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘He can’t remember,’ Lily cut in. ‘He’s only four and not at school yet so he gets muddled with days.’
The doctor nodded curtly. ‘That’s okay. I’m just trying to get a sense of when it may have started. It doesn’t need to be strictly accurate. When did he tell you about it?’
‘He didn’t until I got home today,’ she said miserably. She knew why he hadn’t told Cerys but why hadn’t he told her?
