Disappeared, page 15
39
Lily bought a phone as soon as it was safe to leave Drew with Cerys again. She still couldn’t quite believe that doctor hadn’t grassed her up but it was time to face whatever was going on out there and what danger she was facing as a result of what Danny was saying about her. On her lunch break, she drove over to Bangor and got herself a basic pay-as-you-go smartphone, nothing fancy. The reception was pretty awful up at Dilys’s but when she was in bed that night, she sat and waited for the pages to load while she searched for evidence of what Dr Jones had said in the hospital. It didn’t take long to find it.
Her hands trembled and that familiar panic-surge of adrenalin coursed through her veins as she read the results of her search.
FATHER’S DESPERATE SEARCH FOR MISSING CHILD
POLICE CONCERNED FOR SAFETY OF MISSING GIRL
AFTER SHE VANISHES WITH MOTHER
FATHER BEGS FOR HELP IN SEARCH FOR MISSING
WIFE AND DAUGHTER
PUBLIC ASKED TO INFORM POLICE AFTER FEARS
FOR MISSING GIRL AND MOTHER GROW
Drew’s name, and hers, was all over the internet. Danny had got lawyered up and the media were on his side. In some of those papers, she was an irresponsible, unfit mother who’d taken off with his daughter and Drew wasn’t safe. In others, Danny was a distraught husband who just wanted his wife and child back home. Oh, he’d been clever. There wasn’t one quote from him that said anything negative about her but he’d managed to swing everything in his favour so it was her who sounded like the risk. She knew he’d do that. And nobody knew better than her how convincing he could be when he turned the charm on.
She threw the phone down on the bed, bile rising in her throat. She was never going to get away from him. She’d never be safe anywhere. She ran to the bathroom and heaved into the toilet until there was nothing left in her stomach, then collapsed onto the cold floor, her whole body in tremor.
How long was she safe here? How long would it be before somebody recognised them and phoned the police? She couldn’t keep pretending Drew was a boy forever and she was terrified that, even at this level, it was doing something awful to her little girl.
But she couldn’t go back either. She wouldn’t survive this time. Either he’d finish her or she’d do it to herself. And Drew would be left with him and that was unbearable.
She remembered his hands on her, pushing her down onto the bed, and the hate on his face as he did it.
She couldn’t go back. And she couldn’t stay either.
She didn’t hear the bathroom door open. She didn’t even know Cerys was there until she felt hands on her, cleaning her face and helping her back to bed. Cerys sat beside her as she lay unmoving and barely there. Cerys stroked her hair as if she was Drew. Like a mum. Lily couldn’t speak; she couldn’t even move.
‘You know, someday you’re going to have to trust me enough to let me help you,’ Cerys said softly. ‘You’re stronger than you know but we all need someone.’
She closed her eyes because that was true but Cerys was wrong – she wasn’t strong at all. Eventually, Cerys must have thought she’d fallen asleep and she left silently.
She wasn’t asleep. She was locked in the torture of her own head, in the fear, in the dark place he’d put her.
40
After Lily had fallen into a troubled sleep, Cerys went to the kitchen to make coffee. She wouldn’t be able to sleep now, not after seeing Lily in that state. Something had happened but she had no idea what, or how to get Lily to trust her enough to tell her.
She did wonder sometimes, because she wasn’t stupid, whether she was wrong to entirely trust Lily. She knew nothing about her and that was a risk. These things happened – people were conned and taken in. And the people that happened to believed they couldn’t possibly be mistaken about the person they had placed so much faith in, just like she felt about Lily.
So was she wrong? She felt right down deep inside that she wasn’t. That Lily was a lost, damaged child who wouldn’t have been that way had she had her as a mother.
But she was no fool, and damaged people could be dangerous. And she wasn’t stupid enough to think that damage could just be loved away. You couldn’t love a scar better. All you could do was show them they were still beautiful even with it.
For some people though, that would never be enough.
Was Lily what Cerys believed she was?
Or was she not?
That was the thing with unconditional love. It was what children needed. It was what Lily should have had. And if Cerys set conditions on it now, then it wasn’t what it needed to be at all, was it? So she had to have that leap of faith that all her maternal instincts were right and that she could believe in this girl.
Because if she didn’t, then she was just another one in a long line letting Lily down.
She was acutely aware that right now at this time, she was letting her own children down. The pain that caused when she allowed herself to let those thoughts intrude was so unbearable that she tried to shut them down as much as possible. Back in what was now the last depths of the blackness, she had thought everyone would be happier without her but now she knew that was wrong. And what it meant was that she was causing them pain. It was too unbearable to consider and the only way she could cope was to block it out and keep pretending that this time wasn’t real.
She wasn’t ready to face reality yet. Or the consequences of what she’d done.
It might come back, you see, she told herself. It’s only been such a short time that it’s been gone and what if it comes back? I can’t trust myself to be safe, not yet. I need more time. I need to know for sure.
They’d be hurting. She couldn’t hurt them more by making another mistake.
41
Cerys opened the door of the farmhouse, startled at the authoritative knock on the door. There was a youngish man standing there, somewhere between her Matt and Alex in age, she estimated. He had the traditional Welsh dark eyes and hair but was too smartly dressed to be local, in business trousers, an open-necked dress shirt and polished brogues. Neither good nor ill-looking but somewhere in the middle. His dress looked out of place in the farmyard but somehow he didn’t.
‘P’nawn da,’ he said in a local accent. ‘I’m looking for Lily and Sammy.’
Cerys went from curious to alert mode in a flash. ‘And who exactly are you?’ she demanded.
‘Dr Jones, from the hospital. Here about a follow-up appointment.’ He showed his hospital badge.
‘Oh!’ Relief flooded through her. ‘Oh, I am sorry, I didn’t know you were due to visit.’
‘Sorry,’ he said with a smile, ‘I’m not sure who you are?’
‘I look after Sammy while Lily is at work,’ she replied. She wasn’t sure what Lily had said so best to play safe and not claim any relationship.
‘She missed an appointment at the clinic for a check-up yesterday so I thought I’d call and check everything was all right.’
‘Oh yes, Sammy’s much better, thanks. Come in and see, if you like.’
‘Thanks.’ He followed her through into the kitchen.
‘Hi, Sammy,’ he said and Sammy looked up, startled. The doctor grinned at him. ‘Well, you look much better. How are you feeling?’
‘I’m fine now,’ said Sammy. He gave her an odd look, Cerys thought, but she couldn’t see any reason why.
Dr Jones crouched down on the floor beside him. ‘Are those dragons?’
‘Yes, Mummy bought them for me for Christmas,’ Sammy said, showing the doctor the small plastic figures he was playing with, bought from a tub in the gift shop in Beaumaris.
‘A proper Welsh dragon,’ Dr Jones pointed out, holding a red one up.
‘Of course,’ said Dilys, hobbling into the kitchen. She seemed short of breath and Cerys wondered if she was in more pain than she was letting on. ‘And who are you, young man?’
He straightened up, laughing, immediately completely at ease with Dilys in a way that told Cerys he really was a local boy. ‘I’m not that young,’ he protested. ‘Dr Jones, here to check up on Sammy after last week.’
She snorted. ‘You’re all young to me. Sammy’s fine now so I suppose you must know what you’re doing. You seem to have fixed him.’ She sat down heavily in her chair and winced. ‘Pity the one who was supposed to fix this wasn’t as good,’ she said, nodding at her leg.
He grimaced. ‘Being difficult, is it?’
‘At my age, you don’t heal well,’ she replied. ‘Don’t suppose it’s their fault. Still, I’m supposed to be getting the cast off next week and I can’t wait.’
He nodded sympathetically and turned to Cerys. ‘I could do with getting a urine sample to test the infection’s cleared up but I’ll need to get his mother’s consent if she’s not here.’
‘She’s at work,’ said Cerys. ‘I could call and you could speak to her?’
‘Where does she work?’
‘Beaumaris – the hair salon.’
He shook his head. ‘I’m going past on my way back. I’ll call in and ask her and leave a sample bottle with her. It’s not much trouble to pick it up again tomorrow. I’ll be over this way for another appointment.’
‘Will you now?’ Dilys muttered from the corner with a chuckle in her voice.
Cerys pretended she hadn’t heard her.
‘Okay, well, thanks for coming,’ she said to him.
‘No problem at all. Glad to see Sammy recovered and thanks for your time.’ He bade his goodbyes to Dilys and Sammy and left.
Dilys crooked an eyebrow at Cerys when he’d gone. ‘That’s interesting,’ she said.
Cerys raised an eyebrow back. ‘Do you think you’re reading too much into it?’
‘No,’ said Dilys with a laugh. ‘And a nice, local boy is just what she needs.’
Cerys was about to contradict her but then stopped. Maybe Dilys was right. Cerys had been about to tell her what Lily needed was to find her own well of strength, to become her own person, to learn to love herself. And all of that was true, but Dilys might have a point. Perhaps a decent local lad would help her do all of that. Whether this doctor was that or not, perhaps what Lily needed was just good, plain, old-fashioned love from someone honest and reliable.
Don’t we all need that? she told herself. And if Cerys still had that, would she be here now?
The door of the salon jingled and Lily glanced up from sweeping up the hair from her last customer. Her 3 p.m. had cancelled this morning so she had a rare afternoon break. Angharad was taking advantage of the January lull to put her feet up upstairs and take a power nap.
Lily froze, sweeping brush in hand, dangling a few inches above the floor, when she saw who it was.
‘What are you doing here?’ she said and she hated the tone of panic she could hear in her voice.
‘You had a clinic appointment for a check-up yesterday. You didn’t show. I was worried,’ the doctor said, coming over to the counter.
‘She’s fine. She’s much better.’ Lily could feel her heart pounding fearfully.
‘I know. I’ve just been up to your place and she looked fine.’
‘You’ve been up there?’ The brush fell from her hands to the floor with a clatter.
He pushed away from the counter and stooped to pick the broom up. ‘Don’t worry, I didn’t give the game away. They think she’s a boy, don’t they?’
Lily nodded miserably. ‘I can’t tell them. I don’t know how and I went and bought a phone and looked us up, after what you said. It’s everywhere, all over the news. I don’t know what to do.’
He propped the broom against the wall. ‘Who are they to you? Can’t you trust them?’
She shrugged. ‘The stupid thing is I don’t even know. Cerys is … she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I’ve lied to her and let her down. I’m so scared she’ll hate me.’
Lily looked down at her hands and they were trembling and she could feel the panic begin to take over, and suddenly she couldn’t breathe. She grabbed her chest but the air wouldn’t come in. Her mouth opened as she tried to suck it in but it wasn’t reaching her lungs.
She didn’t resist the hands propelling her into a chair. She was past resisting. She wasn’t even sure they were real. Her vision was going and there were bells ringing in her ears. Unceremoniously she felt her head shoved down between her knees.
‘You’re okay, don’t move, just rest like that,’ a distant voice said. ‘Rest easy and listen to me: breathe in, in, in, in and now out, out, out, out. Now slowly follow me: breathe in, two, three, four and out two, three, four, and in …’
The voice murmured on, softly and slowly above her, and she could feel a hand resting heavily but gently on her shoulder, a firm pressure. She tried to focus on the voice and the ringing started to recede a little. Eventually the hands straightened her up but she kept her eyes shut as the voice carried on encouraging her to breathe slowly and that pressure on her shoulder resumed.
She didn’t want to open her eyes and have the world come back.
In the end, the voice stopped and she had to.
He was on a chair beside her. ‘You had a panic attack,’ he said very quietly. ‘Have you had them before?’
‘Yes, occasionally,’ she said in a croaky voice. ‘Not for a while though.’
‘Not since you left?’
She nodded, her eyes welling up. No, she was not going to cry and shame herself in front of him, she was not. She already felt so dirty that he’d seen what had been done to her, so ashamed.
‘Are you okay?’ It was the kind of voice she could imagine him using on a very small and frightened child. So soft and so gentle it nearly made the tears start again. Kindness hurt very badly sometimes.
‘I can’t go back.’ She ground the words out like she was being dragged over glass.
‘You should never go back to someone like that,’ he said and she couldn’t look at him because she could hear his disgust and she felt so humiliated.
‘You know I’m an unfit mother. I didn’t bring Drew back to see you. That’s why you’re here.’
He tutted dismissively. ‘Rubbish! I came because I was worried about both of you actually. And Drew is absolutely fine and well-looked after. Believe me, I see neglected children and she’s not one of them.’ He hesitated for so long that Lily did glance up at him. ‘I shouldn’t say this because you’re not my patient but it was you I was more worried about. That’s why I came. When you didn’t come to the clinic, I was concerned for you. I thought you’d … oh, I don’t know what I thought … that you were scared maybe?’
‘Yeah, well I was.’
‘I’m supposed to report it.’
‘I know.’
‘I haven’t, and I’m not going to. I told you the file is lost and it is.’ He paused again. ‘Yes, I could get in trouble for that but if I know Drew is okay then nobody can say I put her at risk.’
‘And that matters to you?’
‘Of course. And the alternative is putting you at risk and I’m not doing that.’
She was surprised by the sudden tone of ferocity. She wanted to cringe away even though it wasn’t directed at her but she resisted the urge. Adrenalin was still coursing and she focused on his face, which strangely wasn’t fierce at all.
‘Why haven’t you told anyone about what he did to you? Or have you?’
She shook her head. ‘Because they’d believe him. Everyone always believes him, and they’d only need to look at my records, where I grew up, to know that I wouldn’t be a good mother.’
‘Did he tell you that?’
‘Yes.’
‘He lied, Lily. That’s not how we work. Not at all. We wouldn’t believe him that easily and nor would the police and social services, not if you spoke out. I’ve seen the articles and I understand why you think we would. But we are trained to recognise people like him and to look past the front.’
She really couldn’t stop the tears then. Explosive, messy tears with sobs that racked her body. She buried her face in her arms so he couldn’t see her. She had no dignity. She’d never had any. Her mother had stripped her of that, the system had put the boot in harder and then Danny had finished the job. She would never be anything at all, never.
‘Oh shit, I’m sorry,’ she heard him say. ‘I didn’t mean to do that. I don’t know what to do now, I’m not supposed to …’
She couldn’t process what he was talking about and his earlier words were going round and round in her head.
‘Oh, to hell with it,’ he muttered, and she felt herself being scooped against him, buried against warm solidity and cocooned as his arms wrapped her tightly. She waited for the panic of being trapped to come but it didn’t – it didn’t come at all.
‘You’re safe,’ he said. ‘You’re safe.’
And it was ludicrously untrue. She wasn’t safe at all. According to the press, half the country was on the lookout for her and Drew, and she could be dragged back to face the consequences and Danny’s fury at any moment. She was even less safe now than when she’d been back there trapped with him.
But for a few seconds here, now, she did feel safe. It could be deceptive, that. She thought she was safe with Danny once, way back when she met him, and look how that turned out.
She heard the doctor sigh and then the gentle touch of his hand stroking her hair, much as Cerys had done that night in the bathroom. He didn’t hold her as Cerys had, though, but like he was a wall that could keep trouble away. She wished that was true, that a person could do that for her, but she’d seen too much in her life to believe that could be possible. Still, it was a nice sensation even if it was fake comfort.
The floor creaked above them and she realised Angharad was up and moving about. She wriggled and he let go of her immediately. He looked more shocked than her, she realised, when she sat up and wiped her face dry with tissues from the counter.
