The Crash Box Set, page 122
part #1 of EMP Crash Series
“When I was younger, I always thought that life had some kind of order to it, which was in part because of you. I knew that your job was to help the good guys and stop the bad guys. But now everything has changed. People can do bad things, and it doesn't matter. Sharon can do bad things, and I still...I still love her,” he said, admitting that to his mother for the first time, “and didn't think I could. I almost feel guilty for loving her, but I can't do anything else. I just...I just feel it, and it's so confusing. And the sailors. They can...they can eat people, and just be allowed to go free. There's so much sadness and destruction in the world, I just don't know how to live with it. There are so many people out there who want to hurt each other, and I don't know if I can live in that type of world. I don't know that I'm cut out for it.”
“Okay,” Maggie said, placing a hand on her son's arm. He was shuddering, and now he was crying too, which made it harder for her to remain composed.
“I understand how you can feel like the world is too complicated to understand, but unfortunately, that's what life is like. There are other punishments than being locked up, though. Those sailors are going to have to live with what they did, and they're going to have to face that every day. But I think that, in a way, you're punishing yourself as well, for what you did with the Lost Children.”
“I did so many bad things, Mom,” he said, crying. She opened her arms and took him in a warm embrace, holding his head to her shoulder, making comforting sounds as she tried soothing him.
“I know. I know, honey, but we all make mistakes, and we have to try forgiving ourselves because that's the only way we're going to be able to live. You know you can love Sharon despite what she did, and I love you unconditionally. You've been through so much, but you're still my son, and you still know right from wrong. I know that when the world around you is so chaotic, it's hard to figure out what you should do, but you've always had a good heart, and I know that if you look deep inside yourself you'll understand. I wish I could explain it better, or that I could make the world easier, but I can't. I hate that I can't, and I hate that I'm not a better mom to you. God, sometimes I wish that it was your dad that had made it through this instead of me. He was always so much better at this.”
“I miss him,” Tristan said.
“I do, too.”
“Really?” Tristan said, drawing back and sniffing.
“Of course. Just because your father and I got divorced doesn't mean that we stopped loving each other. It was just...it was just life, you know. I wasn't a good influence on you or him, and it wasn't a happy household. But I'm glad that you got to spend time with him, and I'm glad that he kept you safe and was with you when the world first went to hell. Because look,” she said, and took his hand tightly in hers, “we're in this together. Me and you. We're family, and that's a hell of a reason to live. You can look around you and see that the world is this big old mess, but look closer to home, and you'll see people who love you and care for you and want you in this world, starting with me.
“The only thing that kept me going in the early days was the thought of finding you and your father. That gave me a purpose, a mission, which is something I sorely needed. It was a long road, and I suffered a lot. I lost a hell of a lot of other people I cared about, but I knew that if I found you, then somehow it all would be worth it. It all would make sense. I haven't spoken much about that period with you because there was a lot of bad stuff that happened, but it led me back to you. I'm sorry that I haven't been around as much as I should. I promised myself that I wasn't going to make the same mistakes again. So, I'm going to resign as sheriff, and we can be a proper family. Just please, please, give it a chance to work, Tristan. I don't want to lose you,” and at this she burst into tears again.
At first, Tristan smiled and was overjoyed that his mother would make such a sacrifice for him, but the more he thought about it, the more he wasn't convinced. “Mom, I can't let you do that. Being a sheriff is what you're good at. It's what you're meant to do, and I know people around here feel safer knowing you look after them. I don't want to get in the way of that. And you're not a bad mom. You're amazing. You searched through remnants of the end of the world to find me! You've done so much for me, and I love you, I really do. I'm sorry for this list. It wasn't...it wasn't anything serious. We were just talking about it, and we decided to write it. I'm just...it feels like I don't know what's going on. I don't know where my place is, or what I'm supposed to do. I just feel a bit lost...”
“Believe me,” Maggie said, wiping her eyes as well as those of her son, “that's a sign that you're becoming an adult. When you're young, you look at older people and think they all have it figured out, but the truth is we're all still finding our way, and we all still make mistakes. It'll all be okay, though. We all muddle through somehow.”
“Yeah, we do,” Tristan said, and they smiled and gave each other a long, tight hug.
Both of them were glad to have resolved their issues, and they felt better for it. It was the longest hug they had shared since they had been reunited, and eventually Tristan managed to break free of his mother's grip. They chuckled a little as they breathed deeply, trying to recover from the outpouring of emotion.
“Now then,” Maggie said, with a twinkle in her eyes, “you wanna tell me what's going on with Sharon?” The color drained from Tristan's face as he swallowed hard, almost wishing they would return to the previous subject of conversation. In the end, he told his mom how he loved Sharon, although he wasn't sure what was going to happen.
“That's the exciting thing about being in love,” Maggie said, and was glad that her son had some usual teenage problems instead of being kidnapped by angry sailors.
Chapter 15
It was getting late in the evening, and most people in New Haven were winding down for slumber. Life was hard in New Haven, and everyone gave it their all every day. With the nights becoming dark early, and the chill settling in along with it, people were eager to slip into bed and warm themselves up, letting their dreams take them away. A few night owls stayed awake for longer, but mostly, at night, New Haven was a ghost town where little stirred. The stars twinkled overhead, peeking beyond the misty clouds that drifted across the sky, and the pale moon looked down over the settlement, taking its watch as the winter sun rested.
It had been a hard day for everyone. People were working hard to improve New Haven, and themselves. Freddie and Mindy had been putting plenty of work into learning about medical techniques, and how to teach them. They were just about ready to start the course, and both were a little nervous about having to teach. Hank had been doing his usual thing in helping Mack, and the three of them were sharing a drink before they left for bed. Hank and Mindy were sitting beside each other, Mindy occasionally resting her shoulder against the preacher. The two of them were not like Grace and Luis, or Tristan and Sharon, or even Saul and Alison. They weren't much for public displays of affection, and kept them down to a minimum, but they were able to relax in front of Freddie, who was sitting by himself, feet raised and looking as though he was posing for a painting. He took a sip of his drink and closed his eyes, feeling the warmth slip down all through his body, then let out a contented sigh.
“There's nothing like the satisfaction of a hard day's work, and a deserved drink after it,” he said.
“I think we all deserve drinks after today. Everyone's been working hard,” Mindy said.
“They need to with all that's happened, and with all that's going to happen,” Freddie said. Hank remained quiet.
“What do you mean?” Mindy asked.
“Well, just that with winter setting in people are going to have to face the fact that life is going to be hard. Some people may not make it through. I wouldn't say this so bluntly out there, of course, but between us three it's alright. Think about it. The temperature is going to continue going down, and if the patrols don't come back with enough food, we're going to have to come up with a new plan. As much as I love Mack, he's not a miracle worker. He can't conjure up food out of thin air,” Freddie said.
“I don't know, Mack's done a lot. I think you'll find a lot of people do think he's capable of miracles. It's a miracle that we're still here, and that he's turned our little settlement into New Haven. I think the mood around here is good. I'm glad that people are working hard to lay the foundation for the future. It's better than everyone just moping around, waiting for the inevitable to happen,” the blonde woman said.
“Oh, I quite agree. I'm just saying that I'm not sure it'll last. Mack is amazing, don't get me wrong, and I very much doubt I still would be alive if it wasn't for him, but we have to look at reality and accept the possibility that this winter is going to be the toughest test we've ever faced. Don't tell anyone else this, but I think Mack is more worried than he's letting on as well. I've gotten to know him quite well since we met, and I've started noticing a few of the ways he behaves. I think he's pinning all his hopes on Grace coming back with our salvation, and I'm just not sure that it's a viable tactic. As much as I love everyone here, they're still human, and all this work we're doing is going to fall by the wayside if they start getting fearful for the future,” the counselor said.
“I'd like to think that we're stronger as a community than that,” Mindy replied, her milky cheeks flushing with anger, “and that we all would remind each other of what's important if we falter. Isn't that right, Hank?”
“Hmm?” The preacher was staring into nothingness and gave an apologetic smile to his companions.
“I'm sorry, I think this has gone a little over my head,” he said, raising a glass filled with golden liquid. Freddie looked at him suspiciously, though, for Hank barely had touched a drop.
“Sure you're okay?” Freddie asked.
“Yes, yes, it's like you said, we've all been working hard, haven't we? And, for what it's worth, I agree with Mindy. I think the people of New Haven have shown that they can stick together, even when things look really bad. We all know that winter is going to be a test for us, but as long as we all stick together we'll be able to get through it, just like we've been able to get through everything else.” Hank said.
“As long as we don't turn to cannibalism like those monsters,” Mindy said, shuddering.
“I don't think it's very useful to think of them as monsters. They were just a group of people who chose to survive instead of starving to death. It's a fascinating case study. I wish we could have kept some of them around so I could have spoken to them about it. I'd love to have known about the state of mind it took for them to finally turn. Can you imagine how tense it was on that ship? Who was the first one to suggest the idea? Did they all agree quickly, or was it something that many of them had to be forced into? Did they get used to it by the end? Did they like it?” Freddie's eyes gleamed as he asked all these questions, his curiosity burning inside him. But as quickly as it appeared, the light in his eyes dimmed as he sank back into his chair and sighed.
“But I guess we'll never know now. They were so secretive about it, I never got a chance to ask them.”
“I can understand why they kept the secret, though,” Mindy said, “not that I generally agree with keeping secrets most of the time.”
“Oh, I know it's not like they could have come in here and announced that they had eaten people. Can you imagine what would have happened? Yes, they would have had to carry that secret around with them. I don't envy them that. A secret always comes up, especially when it's shared among a group of people that large. The toll that must have taken on them as well...it's a wonder they were able to function as well as they did.”
At this Hank looked up, although he still didn't say anything.
“I don't understand why people keep secrets. They never work out well,” Mindy said, “in all my life I've tried to be honest with people. It's far easier to do that than to keep track of lies and secrets, and all the worry that they're going to catch up with you as well. That's stress I don't need.”
“It has all to do with fear, isn't it? I've counseled a lot of people who have worked themselves up into such a state all because they've done something, and it's gone on for so long that they're scared of finally admitting it to the ones they love. Always sad, really, because it just makes the problem worse. But people get wrapped up in their own minds, and they create their own realities. You must be well acquainted with secrets as well, Hank?”
“What do you mean?” Hank said brusquely, and his tone surprised the other two.
“Just that you're a preacher, so you must have seen how keeping secrets takes a toll on people. I bet they've all felt better after they get it off their chest.”
“Oh...yes,” Hank said, “but sometimes people only have a secret they share with the Lord, and nobody else. The truth, though, the truth will light your way.” In some ways, it seemed as though he was talking more to himself than the other two.
“It's funny, isn't it? How truth is such a default state for us. Like, look at all of us in this place. We could have told people whatever story we wanted. Nobody really knew each other in the old world, so we can be whoever we want to be, and the rest of us just have to trust that they're not lying,” Mindy said.
“Yeah,” Freddie said, a wide smile coming across his face, “I was actually a porn star.”
“Oh, you are terrible,” Mindy said, laughing so hard that tears were filling her eyes.
“It is interesting, though, isn't it? How people are able to just create lives for themselves and maybe improve on things that they were unhappy with. Nobody can accuse them of lying. It makes you wonder what the truth really is.”
“It sounds as though you're finding a lot of things interesting lately,” Mindy said.
Freddie smiled again and nodded. He finished what was in his glass and leaned forward, pouring some more of the dwindling alcohol from the bottle into his glass, then offering it to Mindy, who said she wanted just a little bit. Freddie turned to face Hank, but his glass was still almost full. Freddie creased his brow, but didn't say anything.
“I am. Obviously, as a counselor, I've always been quite interested in the human condition and what makes people tick. I just wish I had the resources to do a proper paper about the effects an apocalypse has on people. Not that there's much point, because there wouldn't be anyone to read it, not any peers, I mean. I have so many observations and theories to explore, but it all just doesn't really mean anything in the end.”
“I don't know about that. I think it has meaning if you give it meaning,” Mindy said.
Freddie gave her an appreciative grin. “Thanks, but I'm not under any delusions about my career. I'm here to help people, and that's about the extent of my purpose.” He sighed heavily.
“Well, to be honest, I'm still trying to figure out my new purpose.” Freddie added.
“I thought you were happy being the one everyone went to when they needed to talk? And you did such a good job at helping the children get used to living here, and helping all the families get used to being close to each other again?”
“I am, and that's great, but I always felt as though I could do more. When I was focused on my career, you must understand that it was all I really had in my life. My ambition was to publish case studies, and go on the lecture circuit to give talks about my findings, and attend seminars. I was working toward all that when everything hit, and it all started going to hell. Then the adventure began. I didn't think I'd ever be stepping foot in this city again, at least not for a long time, and some of the stuff we went through...I never thought I'd see the likes of it. But instead of exploring the world, the road just led back here.”
“Do you want to leave?” Hank said abruptly. He'd been so quiet that the sound of his voice startled the other two.
“I don't know about that. I love it here, but to be honest, I look around at you two, at Mack and Anna, Grace and Luis, Saul and Alison, and all the others. I've become used to being on my own. A lot of people have reinvented themselves for this new world, but I don't feel much different for all of it. I'm still counseling people, I'm still single, and I don't want that to be the rest of my life.”
“Like you said, you can make your life into whatever you want it to be, even if you are the only one who knows the truth,” he said, and then swallowed every last drop of the drink in the bottle.
His words seemed to have a deeper meaning and he had been acting strange all night, but Freddie and Mindy both assumed it was just the lingering effects from the sailors visit. Hank was just a man, and like anyone else he was prone to moods, so his friends were inclined to give him some leeway to work through it himself.
“Well, it's up to you, Freddie, but for what it's worth, I think you're a valuable person to have in this place. I don't know what I would have done without you when we had to take care of all those injured. You know, I only ever had to take that medical course because of work. I hadn't actually put it into practice before. I was surprised that I was able to remember any of it! But it all came back to me.”
“And a lot of people are glad it did!”
“But you know you can change,” Mindy continued. “I was a bit like you, really, didn't know what I was doing with my life, and it got to a point where I realized that too many years had gone by for me to actually make a difference now. It was like I woke up one morning, and all my life had gone by, and there was nothing I could do about it. Then this all happened, and I really didn't think I would be able to survive. Maybe I was just lucky that I found the right group of people. Now I feel better than I ever have. It's almost like, in that other life, I was stagnating, and this one gave me a chance to do everything over again.”
“That's a good way of looking at it,” Freddie said, smiling, and the three of them continued to drink and talk long into the night, long after the bottle had been emptied. Although through it all, Hank remained surly and quiet, only occasionally offering a vague, slurred comment. By the end of it, Freddie and Mindy were beginning to get more concerned.
